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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Final Loneliness Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 9th, 2013, 2:50pm Report to Moderator
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The Final Loneliness by Dustin Bowcott - Short, Drama - A lonely old man's life is slowly erased. 7 pages - pdf, format


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nawazm11
Posted: April 9th, 2013, 4:49pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm, I think your margins are off, Dustin. Which software are you using?
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Nomad
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Dustin,

This almost had a comedic feel to it with Death fading in and out, almost like he was becoming aggravated every time Fred found a reason to live.  

In the end I see that it's more of a sad story, but I couldn't help picturing Death throwing his scythe down and raising his arms up in frustration.

"We see" and "We scan" aren't necessary.  Just say, "ON THE TV SCREEN, the
presenter of the show is faceless, blurred beyond recognition."

"Pictures of Fred and his wife, stare at him from their perch on the wall"

You can minimize your use of adverbs.  Instead of "Walks slowly" Fred could, shuffle, limp, trudge.

I like the way Death takes a step back when he's losing his hold, but I don't like the way he fades in and out.

I'm not sure what kind of Granddaughter would abandon their Grandpa when it's obvious he doesn't want her to leave.  And the fact that she stays in the same diner is just rude.  I don't like Jenny.  I understand what her purpose in the script is, but you don't need to make me dislike her.  She could get a call from a boy and need to go meet him.  You could juxtapose the early stages of life with the later stages.

What does ,"growing stronger, more substantial", look like?

Overall this was a nice read.  I like the faceless people, they reminded me of Pink Floyd.  I like Death following Fred around.

With a few tweaks, this could be a solid short.

Jordan


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Heretic
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As I go:

Page 1: I like the faceless TV presenter but since we have very, very few images to get us to the hook (Death in the corner), I wonder if they could do a little more work. Any minor action/reaction from Fred would be cool. Something specific in the pictures of him and his wife would be cool. Just something to give us a bit more of a world, before that world gets upset.
I wonder if a NOTE: would do it, to just state that everyone is faceless? The repetition gets a little annoying in the read. Minor thought.

Page 2: I don't understand the beat where Jenny chooses to leave. She sat down and then initiated the conversation, and everything seems to go right in the conversation; so I don't understand why she chooses to leave. I imagine that she either becomes bored with him or gets embarrassed suddenly that she's talking to a stranger; I don't know. But either way, I'd like to see a bit more of a suggestion of what changes her intent here. One thing that might be cool is to give her some business here; she's fiddling with her phone, or has dropped stuff from her purse on the table, or has spilled something and is cleaning it up; that way there's a ticking clock for the scene. Fred has to engage her enough so that she doesn't leave the table when she's finished her task, and he fails to do so. One thought, anyway.

Page 3: Death fades/solidifies too much, I fear. We get what you're doing after the first couple times, so the gimmick either needs to be expanded, or established and then downplayed once we understand it. Perhaps the visual of death fading/reappearing could be made more interesting. For example, Fred bends down to help Maud with her groceries...when he straightens back up, Death has moved back several paces/disappeared/faded significantly, whatever. The problem I think you're facing is that as written, Death may as well be a meter graphic on the screen that goes up and down, you know what I mean? The image needs variety.

Page 4: The Romantic Interest taking the initiative can work fine in some instances, but I don't think it works here -- makes Fred too passive, and in something this short, I don't think he has time to be passive. If you want Maud to be the one to ask for a date, I think it should at least be propelled by Fred's behaviour somehow.

Page 5: There's a risk of confusion here. We don't know what Maude's house looks like so we don't know that it's her house she's standing outside -- we might think it was Fred's. On film, I mean.
"I know you're there, waiting." This line is entirely redundant; the previous line establishes this fact. Characters talking to themselves (I know that's not exactly what's happening, but in a metaphorical sense, it is) gets old real quick and I'd try to cut it down wherever possible.

Thoughts:

Yeah, it's good. A sad little story about human connection that isn't melodramatic. I think there's plenty of room to improve it within scenes, and I think as above that the Deathometer needs to be worked on as a visual. The idea of being frustrated with Death because even It won't chat with you is pretty excellent, though. The apparent reconciliation, I'm not quite so sure about; I don't really feel the beat between Fred's frustration and his acceptance. I know acceptance of death is necessarily on the actor, but since you've also layered this idea of Death as an entity who could provide conversation but doesn't, I think you need to find a way to pay off that layer. Fred accepts death, but how does he accept Death? Ya know? Unless I'm reading his dialogue wrong.

Good stuff.

Chris


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trickyb
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Hey Dustin,

Great theory behind this one and it's a neat story.

My only question is the same as Nomad, what does ,"growing stronger, more substantial", look like? maybe Death should start almost like a hologram and become full bodied as we go on?

Nice work

Michael


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Angry Bear
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Dustin, returning your read here.  

I'm not going to talk much about the writing. It's good, but for the purpose of screenplay reading goes, I would encourage you to trim your action descriptions and think more about each line or sentence representing a shot in the film. It helps people that make films to visualize the film. We often here people say "you need to write more visually". That doesn't mean more descriptions, it just means describing the shot. That would be my suggestion. I'm not looking for an argument. I know we disagree on this, but I felt I should mention it.

As far as the story goes, I like the idea that Death materializes more, the more he feels alone and fades when he interacts with others. That's good!

In this short, he only has interactions with his grand daughter and Maude. That's fine, but you need to add some more here in order to get a better emotional impact. His grand daughter insists that he doesn't really want her company so she goes and sits down at a different table. This didn't really make sense to me. I would have liked it better if she lied and pretended she had to be somewhere else so she can't stay. Or something along those lines.

The next issue is Maude. I understand that you want Fred to cook dinner for them, but then she never shows up. Not a bad idea at all, but it needs more development to work, IMHO. They don't even know each other and she invites herself to his place for dinner. Why does she do this? Perhaps show her being flattered by him. Show us some more emotion. Some sparks between them. I would also add a reason why she can't go. I know she gets a phone call, but maybe tell us why she can't come? Maybe her grand daughter has just been in a car accident or something.

The ending worked with Fred walking away with Death as his only companion.

Not bad, but needs some better emotional/character developments.

Hope this can be of any help.  Good Luck with it.  


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Dustin
Posted: April 10th, 2013, 10:56am Report to Moderator
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Wow... thank you for the reviews on this. I read through it after I posted it.. I know I should do that beforehand.. but somebody on here said they don't overthink shorts and I really don't overthink them, lol. These were written in 24 hours and I believe I have another one or two queued that were done the same way. sorry. I really didn't expect any reviews after I saw how badly written it is. So thanks for your patience, everybody.

Thanks Nomad... yeah I've been trying to drop those 'WE' things completely from my writing. I have seen it fly in some pro' scripts but I'm actually in agreement with you that it isn't necessary. I took on the style after seeing it, and it is easily removed again.

The Granddaughter is not actually a granddaughter, just a faceless stranger that happens to call him Grandpa... I can see now though that it is too easily misconstrued so needs to be changed.


Thanks a lot for your thoughts Heretic. I like how you can see the story flat out and yeah I have to agree with you across the board. The faceless note thing could work, especially if it is getting repetitive throughout the read. There's a definite weakness in the conversation with Jenny.

Yeah I get the solidifying thing needs more work and I agree the romantic interest may be a little too easy, it needs something more. Perhaps I should flip it, make Fred the instigator... show him at least fighting to stay alive. Yeah I like that. considering the scene in the cafe with the young girl, it seems more proper that Fred makes the first move.

I'll look into the new relationship layer of Death and Fred in more detail. On the one hand I don't want death to be a real figure, but on the other I must show death hanging around somehow. So it's a metaphorical Death... and Fred's final conversation with Death can only be one way. However, I'll work on it. When I get time. Not that I'm being dismissive of your comments in the slightest, there are several features in my head I still need to get out. These shorts were written during break time. When I get some more time like that I'll come back to them.

Thanks trickyb... glad you like the concept and yeah I'll try to write more visually from now on.

Thank you Angry Bear. I'm glad you like the writing, although I'm sure you're just being polite. I cringed when I read this back last night.

As stated above she isn't his granddaughter, definitely something I need to change. Thanks for helping show me that as that is something I would probably miss even on a rewrite.

Yeah thanks for the heads up on the Maude not turning up thing. I need to give more direction... but visually I think all that is really necessary there is an actress' shocked face. All the viewer needs to know is that it is something bad enough to prevent her showing up... but I agree with you in that I need to make the point clearer. Yes you have been helpful, thank you.
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rc1107
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Hey Dustin.

I don't think we've met, so first of all, welcome to the site.

I saw that you've been doing some reading on the boards lately and you've submitted a couple stories, so I thought I'd check them out.

I chose your drama one first since I'm not a huge fan of the supernatural.  :-)  It seems this one deals a little bit with the supernatural anyway, doesn't it?  It's actually a coincidence, as I have a short on the backburner dealing exactly with this same phenomenon.

Anyway, about the story, there's a little too much confusion to actually pull me into it.  I like the faceless people, and then they have faces during conversation, and I for the most part like Death following Fred around.  But during the conversations is when I think everything falls apart, in my opinion.

I really thought Jenny was Fred's granddaughter, so when I saw you say she was just a stranger, that came as a shock.  Even so, still having a stranger sit down, start a conversation, and then walk away to another table, doesn't make sense either.

I like the Maude and the possible situation that could've led up to, (possibly saving Fred?) but her not showing up was confusing also.  To be honest, at first, I thought she was looking at his address written on the paper, didn't like the area he lived in, and decided 'Oh, my, no way am I going there!'  Then, I remembered she was holding a phone, too.  It might not be important the reason why she can't go to Fred's, but I'd make it at least a little clearer that she gets information over the phone that something important's come up.

I do, however, really like at the end, how Fred does his dishes up, knowing the end's coming near.  It's great insight into his character.

This one may need some more work to pack a little more of a punch to the story, but there's a good start laid down with some interesting ideas for camera shots brought up that would make an interesting film.  A little less confusion would benefit the story, also.

I'll be checking out your other story soon.  Welcome to the boards again!

- Mark


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Dustin
Posted: April 15th, 2013, 12:22pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you for your thoughts, Mark.

Death in this story is purely metaphorical, which is why Fred's conversation can go only one way. The people being faceless isn't actually happening... it is just how Fred is seeing things. I suppose it is close to supernatural, but only in a satirical sense.

Yes Maude could have saved Fred.... the story is about the relationship between loneliness and early death.

Thanks for reading.
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colkurtz8
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Dustin

This didnít really work for me unfortunately but I definitely applaud your ambition.

I feel the execution, similar to ďAll About JanetĒ is too simplistic, overwrought and lacking any subtext. Again, similar to ďAll About JanetĒ you rely on a quasi deus ex machina device in order to propel the intended message which severely undercuts what are trying to achieve, neutralises the desired impact.

I like the visual metaphor of the faceless people even if its vulnerable to accusations of being overtly literal in regards the prevailing theme of the piece. I still think it would work as a suitably jarring effect though. Having DEATH follow him around in physical form is again nothing new. Maybe replace him with a symbol of death, a crow or Raven being the go-to example but perhaps look past these to something more obscure and visually interesting/unsettling.

Fredís final journey to his eternal rest is the real problem here though, plagued by tacky, hammering-you-over-the-head moments of hope before the wind is taken out of his sail again. The dialogue was stilted, too on-the-nose with Maudís forwardness feeling particularly rushed and mechanical.

My opinions with this particular piece aside (and thatís all they are, opinions) itís clear (at least from this and ďAll About JanetĒ) that you are trying to tell stories which carry moralistic weight, exploring heavy themes through characters based pieces rather rather than plot driven and thatís cool, Iím primarily more interested in that type of writing too, all I can say is keep it up.

Also, your work also has an intriguingly dark and trippy side to it which I respond to. The almost depraved invalid husband/bitter wife relationship dynamic, erotic sexual deviation (for want of a better term! Interesting visuals are found in there too whether itís depicting limbo or a manís withdrawal from society which also pique my interest.

Stay at it.

Col.


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spesh2k
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Hey Dustin,

I actually kind of liked this. It didn't feel comedic at all to me, as it was mentioned in an above post.

This was well written. Now, some readers/reviewers may question your use of the word "we" but it didn't bother me. The more scripts I read (produced and not produced), the more and more I see the use of "we". It's actually quite common, though I know it's frowned upon.

The main idea is to create an image inside the reader's head. This is a blueprint for a film after all, and you presented me with that image well. You mention in description that Death grows "more substantial" a couple times, and I was fine with that. It gives the reader the opportunity to have his own image - I pictured kind of like Marty McFly in Back To the Future, fading in and out. Only parts of his physical whole visible.

I like the idea of Death fading in and out as he interacts with people. And I liked the character, he felt like the warm and earnest type. And I liked the image of Death finding some humanity and offering him a hug. And taking him away. It's weird, I kind of found it cute in a way, rather than comedic (mentioned in an above post).

Just a few things. When you mention Jenny, you describe her as energetic and exuberant (I'm paraphrasing), but you describe her while she is faceless, which sort of threw me off. Maybe describe her when her face appears rather than before.

And why did Maude never show up for dinner? I see her with her cell phone and his phone number, but she kind of just hangs up (that's how it seemed). Did the paper with the phone number blow away?

Overall, I enjoyed it. It could've been a really depressing story, but the idea of having Death as his new companion at the end and giving Death a bit of a character arc, it made the story more warm than cold. Good read.


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Dustin
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Quoted from colkurtz8
Dustin

This didnít really work for me unfortunately but I definitely applaud your ambition.


Sorry to hear that... and thank you.


Quoted from colkurtz8
I feel the execution, similar to ďAll About JanetĒ is too simplistic, overwrought and lacking any subtext. Again, similar to ďAll About JanetĒ you rely on a quasi deus ex machina device in order to propel the intended message which severely undercuts what are trying to achieve, neutralises the desired impact.


Thanks for your thoughts Col. Overwrought and simplistic certainly needs chalking up.


Quoted from colkurtz8
I like the visual metaphor of the faceless people even if its vulnerable to accusations of being overtly literal in regards the prevailing theme of the piece.


That actually crossed my mind when I wrote it too. However, it works well I feel.


Quoted from colkurtz8
Having DEATH follow him around in physical form is again nothing new. Maybe replace him with a symbol of death, a crow or Raven being the go-to example but perhaps look past these to something more obscure and visually interesting/unsettling.


Death has to be physical. I feel it works better like that. Embracing a crow (or whatever) wouldn't have the same type of visual effect I'm going for.


Quoted from colkurtz8
Fredís final journey to his eternal rest is the real problem here though, plagued by tacky, hammering-you-over-the-head moments of hope before the wind is taken out of his sail again.


They're hardly tacky moments of hope. They are vehicles to show death fading once human contact is established.


Quoted from colkurtz8
The dialogue was stilted, too on-the-nose with Maudís forwardness feeling particularly rushed and mechanical.


I agree on Maude's forwardness.


Quoted from colkurtz8
My opinions with this particular piece aside (and thatís all they are, opinions) itís clear (at least from this and ďAll About JanetĒ) that you are trying to tell stories which carry moralistic weight, exploring heavy themes through characters based pieces rather rather than plot driven and thatís cool, Iím primarily more interested in that type of writing too, all I can say is keep it up.


My latest flick is just an excuse for sex, drugs and violence. So far I've written 86 pages in 6 days. I'm far more comfortable writing stuff like that. However, I also enjoy writing lots of other types of stories. I like to challenge myself.


Quoted from colkurtz8
Also, your work also has an intriguingly dark and trippy side to it which I respond to. The almost depraved invalid husband/bitter wife relationship dynamic, erotic sexual deviation (for want of a better term! Interesting visuals are found in there too whether itís depicting limbo or a manís withdrawal from society which also pique my interest.

Stay at it.

Col.


Thank you.
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Dustin
Posted: April 22nd, 2013, 3:22am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from spesh2k
Hey Dustin,

I actually kind of liked this. It didn't feel comedic at all to me, as it was mentioned in an above post.


Thanks.


Quoted from spesh2k
This was well written. Now, some readers/reviewers may question your use of the word "we" but it didn't bother me. The more scripts I read (produced and not produced), the more and more I see the use of "we". It's actually quite common, though I know it's frowned upon.


Yeah I saw it in a few scripts and adopted it. It does make the writing easier but I admit it doesn't look pretty and I have since stopped using it.


Quoted from spesh2k
The main idea is to create an image inside the reader's head. This is a blueprint for a film after all, and you presented me with that image well. You mention in description that Death grows "more substantial" a couple times, and I was fine with that. It gives the reader the opportunity to have his own image - I pictured kind of like Marty McFly in Back To the Future, fading in and out. Only parts of his physical whole visible.


Yes fading in and out is the way I saw it too.


Quoted from spesh2k
I like the idea of Death fading in and out as he interacts with people. And I liked the character, he felt like the warm and earnest type. And I liked the image of Death finding some humanity and offering him a hug. And taking him away. It's weird, I kind of found it cute in a way, rather than comedic (mentioned in an above post).


I found it cute too.


Quoted from spesh2k
Just a few things. When you mention Jenny, you describe her as energetic and exuberant (I'm paraphrasing), but you describe her while she is faceless, which sort of threw me off. Maybe describe her when her face appears rather than before.


That's a good idea.


Quoted from spesh2k
And why did Maude never show up for dinner? I see her with her cell phone and his phone number, but she kind of just hangs up (that's how it seemed). Did the paper with the phone number blow away?


I didn't want to go into too much detail on it. My hope was that the actress would facially convey something catastrophic had happened... something bad enough for her to forget all about the date. I can see that I need to make that area of the script stronger.


Quoted from spesh2k
Overall, I enjoyed it. It could've been a really depressing story, but the idea of having Death as his new companion at the end and giving Death a bit of a character arc, it made the story more warm than cold. Good read.


Thank you, this was my first outing into Serling's work. In his first twilight zone episode he dealt with Loneliness and its relationship to insanity. Insanity is another form of death.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 22nd, 2013, 3:38pm Report to Moderator
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Dustin

Just returning the read. I haven't read any other responses. As we go...

Not normally a fan of super's to start, even though I have used them as well. I wonder whether the second sentence could be left out, the first alone is a powerful statement.

I can imagine a few have mentioned the "we see" aspect, normally to be avoided in spec scripts , but not a big issue to me.

Faceless people  - I kind of get this, but in a way i was trying to picture what this looked like.

Then jenny changes, reason? Then revealed, that's fine

Like the way death appears and disappears with interaction.

Maud. - she doesn't waste time! Bit too forward?

Fred knowing about death, reminds me of "city if angels". I wasn't sold on his dialogue with death.

Also, whilst we have followed him, his day wasn't too bad with a nice chat with his granddaughter, and he picked up a date. Now the date didn't turn up, but wouldn't he want to find out why before giving up on life. Just felt a tad quick.

Overall I like the connection between death and a person's interaction with society, as well as the sense of it is all there, out in front, but is it within? How is a person connected, as well as disconnected. Death comes to Fred not because of illness, in the script, but through a sense of being lost, lonely, isolated.

Script wise, other than the points above, I would stress the randomness of  life even more, how fragile, how brittle it can be. The missed chances, the life that is on offer but not taken etc

All the best.


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Dustin
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Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Dustin

Just returning the read. I haven't read any other responses. As we go...

Not normally a fan of super's to start, even though I have used them as well. I wonder whether the second sentence could be left out, the first alone is a powerful statement.


I like to use them when apt. Not something I do all the time. I believe the second sentence is necessary as it contains the title of the story within it.



Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Also, whilst we have followed him, his day wasn't too bad with a nice chat with his granddaughter, and he picked up a date. Now the date didn't turn up, but wouldn't he want to find out why before giving up on life. Just felt a tad quick.


He was already giving up on life when we get involved in the story. Maybe he has had other dates not show up. whatever happens before is up to the viewer to determine. Else I'd be writing a feature.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Overall I like the connection between death and a person's interaction with society, as well as the sense of it is all there, out in front, but is it within? How is a person connected, as well as disconnected. Death comes to Fred not because of illness, in the script, but through a sense of being lost, lonely, isolated.

Script wise, other than the points above, I would stress the randomness of  life even more, how fragile, how brittle it can be. The missed chances, the life that is on offer but not taken etc

All the best.


Thanks for your thoughts.
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