Hi Dustin,

First of all, I like idea of the story.
I didn't consider Janet as Fred's relative, but I definitely misunderstood ‘faceless’ effect, that was read as a simply empty look/face expression. I understand why you made it but, in my mind, impervious faces without emotions are more horrible than just blurred ones.
Also, I should confess that I didn't feel a pity for Fred in the end. He seems passive and unsociable. Actually, he doesn’t make any efforts to communicate with people: Janet starts the conversation first as well as Maude proposes to invite her to the dinner while Fred only accepts their attention and inertly reacts. I believe that more efforts of Fred to communicate and somehow fail could make a story more dramatic.
Anyway, thanks for the story and keep writing.

With regards,
Oksana

I thought this was a very powerful short.
Death waiting until he finally gives up.
I've seen it in people. The giving up and telling others that they are ready to go.
Cindy

Hey Dustbin, been a while .... took a quick look at this, quite liked it really, but I felt the idea was better than the execution; my 25 cents:

- story almost felt cluttered at times, and like others I wasn't taken with Maude and I think the story could have (possibly) worked with just Jenny ...

- I never actually thought Jenny was the gran.d until I seen other posters, it's just a thing we say to old people over here when they get in our way .... but I liked the angle that she's more interested in her phone, half guessing she was on pof or similar. So with that established Jenny could easily be invited for lunch (assuming she actually is the gran.d), but then get a hook-up, leaving Fred alone ... story follows up on established elements then, and personalises the let-down ... but I'm just thinking out loud here.

- couple of action lines here and there I think could have been cleaner as AB suggested, like when Fred returns to his coffee, I think another line, and maybe something a little more descriptive, shuffles closer etc, just to give it a little something more

- col's views, some good points, but it's a thoughtful piece, the ideas behind it, but how can it be truly character-driven, when driven is not really what it's all about - plot-driven? Well there's the same problem, and with films the world over: that the protagonist succeeds and overcomes those obstacles, except for that final one that we all succumb to eventually, and as such it's about passive acceptance, and that's not something we're told films (scripts) are about, so cred on going against the grain that this one.

I clearly can't end on a compliment, so

- Death gives him a hug? WTF?????

I don’t know how many Death Personified scripts are floating in the aether, but enough that if we tackle this bent, we need to give it a bend.

More on that in a moment. First off, I get all philisophicaly philosophical and like to read a script that has a title such as this one and I think that the Super you gave at the beginning encapsulates what you wanted to achieve. I don’t think you developed it though.

Throughout this script we have Death skulking about behind our dear Fred, Death is portrayed in the typical way; so there’s nothing really new here.

I didn’t find this a bad read, only wanting. At the end of it, I was thinking, “What’s the take away?” I guess that was the point? Complete surrender.

Some of the first questions I was asking:

How are they faceless? Blurry fog faces? Black void faces? Maybe think on how you can capture what you want represented. And, maybe more reaction shots from Fred.

Fred’s conversation with Jenny does nothing for this script. It’s just there and doesn't contribute anything.

When Maude enters the picture it gets interesting, but it goes downhill from there. I didn’t understand what made Maude go “Oh no...” and then the resulting drop of the paper.

Maybe, what you could do is have Maude (poor Maude) have a heart attack right then and there. And Fred never learns why she never made it to supper.

Perhaps though, with Maude being on the other side, she can battle Death for Fred and leave something that hints she’s there.

Since Fred reads the newspaper, there could be a next day and he learns the truth, that Maude had no control over her failed arrival. I feel we need more here. So that we’re not left going, “Oh. Well.”

But, anywhoo, it's a good start.

Sandra

I think I saw so much more than other readers.
The faceless people (people who don't really matter to him).
I also saw death as not just death, but his way of wanting to let go of life. Only the faces matter, until they want to be faceless, too.

I really liked it.

Thanks all for reading this old script. This was my second short. I actually don't even want to open it to look at it, I'd likely cringe at some of the writing inside.


This is twice I've written about this subject matter, the other short 'A Friend in the End' has been picked up for production.

Cindy is correct in that I was attempting, albeit perhaps not as successfully with this short, to capture an old person's final loneliness. That time in their lives where they are completely alone. Family members no longer want to see them and their partner has died. They almost start fading into the background and, perhaps, the world around them does too.

So, yeah, death's embrace (hug) is something we accept willingly in the end. Perhaps even decide the when. Wouldn't that be nice?