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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Ephesian by Mark Lyons - Produced Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Ephesian by Mark Lyons - Produced  (currently 12502 views)
Forgive
Posted: April 21st, 2013, 4:07am Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Quoted from jwent6688
It's only 16 pages, take a closer look now or shut up. Sorry Mark, this guy pissed me off tonight and thinks his opinion is gold.

James



If I irritated you on a thread you should keep it to that thread instead of dumping it on another thread.

I only irritated you because you made a dumb comment and I commented on that. Here you've made a dumber comment. I'll take a look in my own time, not on your command.

And BTW, I don't consider my opinion to be gold, but I do consider yours to be horsesh1t.
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rc1107
Posted: April 21st, 2013, 9:01am Report to Moderator
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Hey James.

I was worried about coming off as overly dramatic, as it is a super-heavy piece.  But, at least I didn't hear melodramatic, which I think I'd cringe if I ever heard anybody say that about my writing.  (Not that it isn't.)

Hmm.  Honestly, I was so caught up in the theme of the story, I never really paid attention to the charge Antwan would actually get, whether it would be manslaughter or murder in the first.  I just assumed because it was the death of a baby, they would automatically go for the toughest sentence.  I'll have to check into that.  I suppose you'd be right, though.

You always got to go snooping around looking for plotholes, don't you?  :-)

I didn't want to turn around and make this one of my regular 'gross' pieces, hence nothing except just mentioning burning insides.  For once, I wanted to tell a straight up story with no spectacular gore.

Actually, you made a similar comment on one of my older scripts a while ago, and I did take your advice and I think it helped the story immensely.  I'll PM you about it later on during the week.

Anyhow, thanks for checking this out, James.  You got anything cooking besides the anticipation of 'So Dark'?

- Mark


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rc1107
Posted: April 21st, 2013, 9:06am Report to Moderator
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Hey Simon.


Quoted from Simon
Carefully written, well conceived. I'll take a closer look.


Thanks for the nod.  Can't wait to hear your in depth thoughts, whenever you got the time.

I know I've asked before, but you might not have seen the reply because I forgot what thread it was even on.  Do you have any work posted on the site I could check out?  I don't even know you're whole name to do any searches.

Let me know and I'll check something out.

- Mark


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M.Alexander
Posted: April 21st, 2013, 9:12am Report to Moderator
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Is this the same Simon?

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1366455635/

If so, the script looks good, but you gotta do something about that logline.
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Forgive
Posted: April 21st, 2013, 2:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Mark. I've nothing recent - but on the home page if you put my board name in and do the 'Simply Scripts' search you'll find a couple thing I posted a while back.
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Forgive
Posted: April 21st, 2013, 6:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark. Gave this a read tonight. I can see what CV means when he says its full of different levels. The problems with exploring something that has been put in a nutshell is that you end up with something that's bigger that the nutshell - pointless.

The way I'm looking at it - the prison - the institution - is representative of the world, and unable to forgive. Even though those within the institution had to question this - (Latessa ... rubs a temple).

The two guys - Michael and Antwan find grace (the principle behind the Ephesians passage) and good comes of it, but the institution can't, or doesn't have a way to, deal with it.

I got the feeling that both Antwan and Michael find some kind of faith - Michael makes a ready reference, and also says that he threw away the early letters, so both these guys have changed - and they meet in the middle of an institution that doesn't, or won't or can't.

Tiny tiny beef on page 11:
After a moment, Antwan's mother accepts it, and Michael sits
down with the Ellis family.

This kind of rolled into one, and at the time if really felt like a key moment, so it it had been written along the lines of 'a moment of recognition. Michael moves forward, and sits ...' just so that it's deliberated on a little bit more - it's just that he's making this very public statement at this stage, and it underlines what the whole undertone of the script is about.

Got to be honest with you here, this is a challenge you've set yourself with all the implications, subtexts and so on. I don't know if this is a first write or a fifth, but some diamonds are well worth cutting right.

Some of the dialogue here and there was a bit wordy, but not a major issue, and I wondered if the reporter would be a bit more inquisitive when he first goes in with Bayer?

Aside from that, this really works - I was left with more questions than answers, and in this context, I think that is what you want.
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CM
Posted: April 21st, 2013, 11:33pm Report to Moderator
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Great script.  Really enjoyed the media's point of view in the beginning.  Establishes a greater objectivity to the story.  

I also liked the pacing, for the most part.  The beginning is strong.  I flew through the first 8 pages.

The only critiques I had is that it's a bit wordy.  Sometimes less is more, ya know?  The characters seem to say TOO much.  It feels like competing monologues at times, which can get boring and take away from what they're saying.  Show it don't say it.  They're a lot of great moments in your dialogue that I think can be played out better and hit harder with the audience.  

Also, I would say cut the scene where he get's his last meal.  Though a good scene, great lines, it seems misplaced and disrupts the pace and tone.  It doesn't need it.  

Overall, I enjoyed it, but was left waiting for something more to happen.  Something else to stir the pot, but perhaps that would only work within a feature length.

Good stuff.
-C
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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 22nd, 2013, 10:52am Report to Moderator
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I quite liked this, a sad tale. Murder is murder... no matter who is doing it.

A few errors dotted about here and there that I'm sure others will have pointed out already. I would have liked a happier ending, I think.

I think this has been well researched, either that or you've been close to an event like this. Either way, I believed it and I'm a stickler for getting the details right. It certainly matters, and none more so than with this piece. It makes the piece work a whole lot better than had you been simply been guessing at security measures, etc.

I'm sure if you went through on another draft you would find the errors and make this run a lot crisper. It's selling point is the research. I also like Michael's struggle. He is told to spare his life just so that the state can get revenge. It just isn't right, isn't real justice. This could be a feature.. although to work it would be best based on a true story.

Nice work, over all.
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rc1107
Posted: April 23rd, 2013, 7:07am Report to Moderator
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Hey Simon.

I understand what you're saying about the nutshell.  There's a lot more to the story that I tried to contain.

This is, for all intent purposes, a second draft.  (Technically, still the first, because the only thing I really changed was I took out a couple extra-curricular scenes that didn't move the story along.  Just banter.)

But I do have a couple ideas on how to expand it into a feature if that time ever comes, so I'll have to wait and see what happens.

You're more than most likely write about the reporter.  I'm a bit green on the subject of journalism, and I've been nailed on not portraying his part correctly before, so I'll be working on him when the rewrite time comes around.

I'm glad it worked for the most part, though.  I wasn't really trying to sway anybody one way or the other on this issue, so I did just write it as a portrayal of what really happens, without any questions being answered.

(I was playing with the idea of stopping the story right before the warden's speech, so we never find out if the execution is stayed or not, but it just didn't seem right to me for some reason.)

Anyway, thanks for the read Simon.  I'll be checking out the story you pointed me to as quick as I can.

- Mark


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rc1107
Posted: April 23rd, 2013, 7:19am Report to Moderator
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Hey Cody.

Once again, welcome to the site.

Thanks for the compliments and your thoughts on the story.

Yeah, I've been busted on the dialogues in this coming off as monologues and believe it or not, they have already been cut down some.  Any future versions I do of this I'll take the knife to them again.

You're right about the last meal scene.  It was just a last minute throw-in to up the page count for a competition.  (The competition had to be a minimum 15 pages.)

I do enjoy it a lot, but you may be right.  Sometimes we just have to kill our babies.

I'm glad you enjoyed it, Cody.  I do have a couple ideas to turn this into a feature, but that's on the way way backburner for now.  Maybe someday, though.

I hope to see you again on the site.

- Mark


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rc1107
Posted: April 23rd, 2013, 7:32am Report to Moderator
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Hey Dustin.

Thanks for the read.  I'm glad you liked it.

ERRORS!?  You're kidding me!  Shit, you got the OCD part of me coming out.  Now I have to go back today and see what I did wrong.  :-)

RE:  A happier ending.    -    I actually thought about all three ways I could've ended this.  The one where he gets the stay.  One where we cut before the warden's announcement, so we don't know what happened, and one where he gets the juice.  (I know it's not electricitly anymore, but wouldn't the liquid drugs still be considered a type of juice?)

To me, him getting executed in the end was the most realistic ending, so that's why I chose that.

I've never been close to a situation like this, (hopefully I never will.)  But I do know what it's like to feel guilty about something and want to change because of it.  (It's not even close to murder, though.  :-)

But I also did a lot of research on the subject, though, so I'm glad to see that that paid off and I'm not coming off like a fish out of water.

And for the feature, this would work better as a true story.  It would give it a little more cred.  Fornutately, or maybe unfortunately, that's not the case.

Thanks for the compliments and the read, Dustin.

Now I'm going back to look for the damn mistakes.  :-)

- Mark


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DustinBowcot
Posted: April 23rd, 2013, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry man... I shouldn't really use throw away comments like that. It just means it isn't anything to worry about and the story is perfectly clear no matter what. Certainly nothing to take me out of the read anyway.

I could see this being made as a moral piece by some students. Hopefully this bump helps it along the way. Good luck.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 24th, 2013, 8:17am Report to Moderator
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Mark

Had a look and made sure I didn't read other comments first, so apologies for repeating etc

Title - no idea what this means lets see if it becomes clear
Another over black super to start - I seem to have read a few of these recently. Tend to be the type of scripts with a "message"
Interesting how you describe the chapters after first intro - quite like that where the initial scene is dynamic
Dead child on the first page - you haven't gone down the comedy route have you!! How do we knows its His child from a child?
Filter ? Must check this out - form of VO I assume
P7 two Michael's dialogues in a row - no break
P11 is there a need for the fade to?

Ok finished.

Well there was a message all right. I liked the way Michael chose to sit with the other camp, it just goes to show that actions speak louder than words. What I felt was missing was a degree of the backstory, the family situation. The first time we see the family, which weren't CAPED, is outside the prison.

The dialogue between the two lead characters seemed a tad on the nose. A bit of a love in. It appears this is the first time they have spoken, and the first time Michael has admitted he has read them etc. I felt it needed a degree of thawing, with a reveal. Maybe remove the section about the child's name being removed and go straight to the meeting?

I think this could also be shortened quite a bit. It feels like a 10 pager. One page to set up, nine to explore and reveal. I would have him walk out of the prison, then cut to the warden emerging only to see Michael in the other camp, quick flashback explanation, a stuttered confirmation of the death, maybe as a VO to the flashback to contrast the words and deeds.

However, once again you have taken on a biggie and given it a go.

Cheers

Bill


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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dogglebe
Posted: April 24th, 2013, 11:32am Report to Moderator
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I'm going to disagree with some of the comments, here.  This scrtipt could be cut to a third of what it is.  It's about Antwan and Michael.  It's not about the press or how the prison prepares for an execution or the protesters outside the prison.  You might as well have included a weather report and the latest sports scores.

The story should've started with Michael sitting in front of Antwan and finished with him leaving.


Phil



PS:  Was Antwan's initials intentional?  As a symbol of hios animalistic behavior?
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danbotha
Posted: April 24th, 2013, 8:57pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Mark,

I haven't read all the comments, so I apologize if I repeat what has already been covered by other readers. As always, you have delivered a screenplay that is brilliant in terms of story, writing and dialogue. You never seem to disappoint with your writing.

Funny enough, I wrote a short script similar to this one. I haven't submitted it yet, because I tossed it towards Mohammad who found a bunch of problems and issues with it. I'm still brainstorming how to hit the script from a different angle and deliver the goods. I appreciate concepts like this. You have an awesome way of portraying important themes relevant to us, no matter what the time-frame the story is set in. Good job.

If I had any problems with this, it would be the crying goes a little overboard for me. I know I can't say much as I fall victim to this often, myself, but it did feel like a little too much. Not melodramatic by any means, but maybe a little overdone.

Otherwise, it's a decent little script that delivers the goods.

Sorry I couldn't offer more.

Dan


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