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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Ephesian by Mark Lyons - Produced Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Ephesian by Mark Lyons - Produced  (currently 12504 views)
rc1107
Posted: April 24th, 2013, 10:07pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Bill (reef dreamer)
Another over black super to start - I seem to have read a few of these recently.


Yeah, I'm a huge fan of those for some reason.  I think it goes all the way back to my Stephen King-reading days, where he usually quoted an old passage from literature, and then a 1970's rock lyric.  I guess it kind of sets the tone for what's to come, whether in the movie, or in a book.


Quoted from Bill
you haven't gone down the comedy route have you!!


:-)  Not in my writing, no.  In real life, I'm probably the biggest goofball you'll ever meet.  (Not saying that I'm funny or humorous.  I'm just literally a happy-go-lucky goofball.)  But my subjects and themes in my stories I take seriously.


Quoted from Bill
Filter ? Must check this out - form of VO I assume


Hmm.  Surprised you never heard of it.  Yeah, it's technically a form of voiceover.  I consider (V.O.) to be more of a narrator speaking.  Something beyond the story giving us information.  I use (filter) whenever there's a voice from an electronic device, such as a telephone or television or an answering machine or, in this case, a walkie-talkie.


I agree what you're saying about the degree of the backstory.  There's a lot I want to show with this one, but wanted to contain it all in a short.  I think Simon was right when he mentioned some stories don't come off the way they're supposed to when they're put in a nutshell.

But I also understand what you're saying about this feels like a ten-pager.  It started out as an 8-pager, actually, but I added and added and added for a certain contest, which had to have a minimum page count.  After the contest was cancelled, I deleted and deleted and deleted, but still ended up with the 15 pages that I think should be there to tell the story as it is now, and hopefully still drum up interest for the feature I ultimately plan on making it.  (A couple years down the road, of course.)


Thank you very much for your thoughts, Bill, and thank you also for taking the read.  I know I've read a lot of your stuff, but Twinkle, Twinkle doesn't sound too familiar.  I'll take a look at it.

- Mark


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rc1107
Posted: April 24th, 2013, 10:32pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Phil.

I'm all caught up on reading some screenplays off the site for people, and I'm going to be getting to 'The Devil's Jokebook' very soon.


Quoted from Phil
You might as well have included a weather report and the latest sports scores.


I'm not going to do the director's job, too.  :-)

I see what you're saying there, though.  I think I just had the bigger picture (and a lot more of the story that I never got to) more in my head, though.


Quoted from Phil
Was Antwan's initials intentional?  As a symbol of his animalistic behavior?


Ha.  APE.  I didn't notice that before.  :-)  Not done on purpose, just a random coincidence.

Antwan was actually the name of the guy who shot up my dad's bar back in the 90's.  (Crippled the bartender and killed my guitar instructor.)

Paul  -  Because the letter of Paul to the Ephesians.

Ellis  -  Was watching basketball one of the nights I was working on this and I happened to notice Monta Ellis' stat line.  The name popped out at me.

Thanks for the read Phil and you're thoughts.  I'll be getting to 'The Devil's Jokebook' shortly.

- Mark


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rc1107
Posted: April 24th, 2013, 10:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dan.

Flattery will get you everywhere.  :-)

Seriously, though, thank you very much for the compliments.  Send on over the script you're working on if you'd like some eyes on it.  I'll be more than happy to take a look at it and see how far you've come since the last one of yours I read.  (And that one was very good if I remember correctly.)


Quoted from Dan
If I had any problems with this, it would be the crying goes a little overboard for me. I know I can't say much as I fall victim to this often, myself, but it did feel like a little too much. Not melodramatic by any means, but maybe a little overdone.


I know what you're saying here, and I do agree.  But, in my defense, Antwan's part was specifically tailored for a director's brother, who I think is going to be a very talented actor one day.  (The director is filming one of my shorts now.  I saw his brother's performance in something else and he could pull off real crying like it's nothing.  If you'd like me to shoot over a couple of his scenes, let me know.)  That's why I wasn't afraid to go overboard with the crying.  It's amazing how easy writing is when you know other pieces of the production are already in place.

Of course, this story will go very much over their budget, so reworking that scene will be beneficial spec-wise.

Thank you again for the read, Dan, and also for the kind compliments.  Can't wait to see something new from you.

- Mark


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CrusaderVoice
Posted: April 25th, 2013, 12:52am Report to Moderator
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I have to say...Monta Ellis shoots so much that you couldn't help but to have heard his name over and over again on any given broadcast.

That had to have been like some sort of subliminal message.

Also, the letter "D" does not appear in that character's name..."D" is also lacking in the game of Monta Ellis.
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khamanna
Posted: April 26th, 2013, 3:03am Report to Moderator
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Hi, Mark.

So I read the script - been planning to ever since I saw it here on boards.

On the first page - I think we don't need to see the baby Couldn't understand why he was lying on the street. And, I don't understand why Antwan did it. I think it would be good to see why, to hear him say something maybe.
Slow motion makes it overdramatic for me. I wish it's not there. Then there's a scene showing Bayer and Latessa. I wonder if you could cut it to bare minimum. See, at this point I don't understand what's going on, so I'm just reading something and not going into it--
up until the third page.
where you state that Antwan is about to be given death penalty. And then we see that Michael doesn't want it. That's when you pull me in - but way late for a 16 pager.

As soon as I knew that - it went very fast. Although the ending felt overdramatic. I wish it ended earlier - somewhere around Antwan getting inside the camera and Michael consoling his mother. I don't think we need to actually see him die.

Also, you could work on some of the dialog, I think. Or maybe what I say next will sound silly))

Like, on top of P 3 you have:
This visit will take place tonight. A second minimal-contact only visit will be allowed to the guilty tomorrow morning, the day of the execution. This second visit.." You use the word visit three times. I'd avoid that.

p3 I don't understand what Bayer wants to say here:
Members of the guilty's family will also be allowed to view the execuion from here, thought no one has come forward from that party". - no one wanted to see the execution? But Antwan's mom was there later.

And then again, I don't know if we need to hear all this stuff about the rooms. But your call really, I just want to get to the meat here. See if I"m not alone on this.

p4 Don't understand reporters question "the execution may be stayed for one reason or another"

It was interesting to see the coalitions fighting for or against death penalty and hear the concrete story and how these two (Michael and Antwan) came together to resent it. I really liked that Michael asks his sons name, Jeremy, erased from the case. Nice short overall.



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bert
Posted: April 26th, 2013, 10:33am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Mark.  Hope you are feeling better.  You have already received copious notes that I have not read, so I am just checking in to let you know I have looked and to drop a few thoughts of my own.

It seems to be well-received, and to me that seems justified.  It is a good piece.

I like the opening, but you describe a whole lot of action to sit through in slow motion.  I would keep it as-is, but lose the slo-mo aspect.  If you are going to specify that, it should have a crystal clear purpose to be there, and I do not see it.

And then I just read it through, with no real comments until the end.  I see what you are doing and have no problems with the way you are doing it.  The pace is fine, and Antwan's last words are great -- implying wit and an educated mind beyond the thug he once was.

All of this kind of leads to an anticlimax, however.  I was waiting for a message -- only to find that everything this script had to say was actually delivered several pages ago.

For my money, I would cut out the final scene entirely.  Just lop it right off.  I would end with Antwan's final witticism, then Bayer and Antwan -- their eyes moving from the phone to the clock as it ticks towards midnight.

And the call never arrives.

Everything that occurs after that seems superfluous to me.  My thoughts anyway.

Nice work, though.  Another fine example of your skills.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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rc1107
Posted: April 26th, 2013, 11:05am Report to Moderator
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Hey Khamanna!  Thanks for checking this out.

Actually, Antwan doesn't kill the baby on purpose.  He was shooting at somebody else and Michael happened to walk into the line of fire while pushing his baby in the stroller.  (Antwan references that later on during his and Michael's dialogue before the execution.)

You're right about the repetitive 'visits'.  I never caught that in my reads of it.  Good catch.


Quoted from Khamanna
Members of the guilty's family will also be allowed to view the execuion from here, thought no one has come forward from that party". - no one wanted to see the execution? But Antwan's mom was there later.


If any of Antwan's family wanted to witness the execution, they could've watched from that room.  But nobody wanted to watch him actually die on the gurney.  They instead waited outside with the rest of the media to hear that his death was official, which is where Antwan's mother was.


Quoted from Khamanna
Don't understand reporters question "the execution may be stayed for one reason or another"


It's legal talk.  A stay of execution means that Antwan's execution will either be postponed, or he won't be executed at all and he'll have to serve the rest of his life in prison, but at least he'll be alive.

Thanks again for reading, Khamanna.  And thanks for your thoughts.  I have a lot more thinking to do on this one.

- Mark


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rc1107
Posted: April 26th, 2013, 7:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Bert.

Physically, I'm feeling pretty good, despite everything.  I was supposed to be back to work last week, but that didn't work out.  At least I have all this extra writing time, though, which I've been making the best of.

Thank you very much for checking this out.  I was excited when I saw your name on the thread.  (Honestly, I'd rather see it on the Unproduced Scripts page, though.  :-)  I know how short on time real life gets, though.  I appreciate the time you took to read this.)

Regarding the slow motion:  The main reason I made it slow motion was because it happened in the past, I wanted a different feel than the rest of the script.  (It'd probably look a lot better onscreen than in the script, so I know what you mean.)  But also, I didn't want to have to deal with the cops' procedural dialogue, so slow motion was kind of the easy way out without having to deal with that.

Yeah, you're not alone in thinking that the end was anti-climactic.  Your suggestion about ending as the warden and Antwan stare at the clock just might work best.  Then, as it hits midnight, have the warden give the go ahead to the MD to continue, and end it there.

I don't know why it was important for me to want to show Michael ultimately sitting with Antwan's mother.  I guess to show that he knows how much it hurts to lose a son.  It doesn't seem that idea is coming across very well, so I should either cut it or highlight it better.

Once again, your thoughts and time are very much appreciated, Bert.  Again, I'd rather see your name on the Unproduced Script's page, but I'll like seeing it in my threads just the same.

- Mark


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Toby_E
Posted: April 27th, 2013, 6:00am Report to Moderator
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Mark,

I hate reviewing your scripts, because I enjoy them so much and rarely have anything constructive to say, which always makes me feel lazy

I really enjoyed this one.

You constructed genuine, sympathetic, 3-dimensional characters. I know how hard this is to do in a short, due to the constraints of the length of the piece, but you managed it.

The script also packed a real emotional punch, which very few shorts manage to achieve. So big congrats with that.

The only issue I had with this was regarding the first scene. Is it necessary? I don't really feel that it adds anything to the script, as we find out all the information from the flashback during the script.

I didn't understand the title, either. And to be honest, I might not have checked this out, had I not seen that it was written by you.

But minor, easy to correct issues.


Below are a few notes I made whilst reading:

Bottom of page 7- There is an unnecessary dialogue break in Michael’s dialogue?

Page 13- This line read a bit awkward: “Latessa takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and rubs a temple.” I think it’s the “a temple”. Might read better if it is “his temple”?


But great work, as always man.

And I hope the recovery is going well.

All the best.


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James McClung
Posted: April 27th, 2013, 7:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Mark,

I really enjoyed this one, as I have all of your scripts thus far. I feel like all of them have your voice, have been distinct, focused, and intimate, and were written for a reason you feel strongly about. I respect this greatly and try not to miss on opportunity to call out writers I think stand as their own.

From a technical standpoint, I think your writing is strong and you'll find things to improve and tighten up on your own. In terms of the story and, I suppose, the "essence" of your story, I also think it's very accomplished. I think quotes run the risk of coming off as an attempt to make work seem more sophisticated and insightful than it really is but it in this case, it was simple and summed up your story well.

I think what you put out here is very detailed, nuanced, and packs an emotional punch. That said, I think you need to scale it back some. I took it all seriously and don't think you came off as melodramatic or what have you but I think your story may speak louder than you think it does. A lot of the dialogue is more direct and spelled out than it needs to be. I think the characters may be spilling their guts more than people in real life would in similar situations.

We, as an audience, can pick up on a lot of the themes and subtleties going on here. You don't need to put them all out in plain sight. I think if you read back on what you have here, you'll know when to reveal and when to hold back. Your story will benefit from some well placed restraint, for sure.

Hope this helps. Again, I really enjoyed it.

EDIT: Sorry to come off so broad but indeed, I do think my comments apply to all characters and all sides that appear in your story (from Michael and Antwan to their respective families, from anti to pro-death penalty). The only exception I would note would be the media. Obviously, they do have a habit of making a circus out of everything, especially in the U.S.


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rc1107
Posted: April 28th, 2013, 1:33pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Toby.

Thank you very much for taking a look at this one, and thank you very much also for the compliments.

Regarding the opening scene:  I was out taking a walk and pushing my son in his stroller when I heard gunshots a couple blocks away.  Of course, I let my morbid (and frightened) mind wander a bit and I kind of felt obligated to use that as a starting point of the story.

I agree I probably could cut it out of the short version and it won't lose anything to the story as it is now, but, my ultimate plan is to start a feature and it would start way back at that beginning, and then unfold slower from there.

'The Ephesian' is actually in reference to The Bible.  A letter from Paul to the Ephesians.  Whereas the book of Ephesians is more about the unity of Church, I was hoping this story would be more about the theme of the unity of people as a whole.

Thanks for the notes.  The typos are changed.

Thanks again for the read, Toby.  I really appreciate it.  I had taken notice of 'Searching for Gemma' when I first saw it a bit ago and thought I put it in my queue.  I will be checking it out shortly for ya because it did seem interesting.

-  Mark

P.S.  -  I think the recovery's going well.  I'm not in too much pain at all, actually.  I am kind of itching to get back to work, though.  I'm running short on money.  :-)

Thanks again.


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rc1107
Posted: April 28th, 2013, 1:41pm Report to Moderator
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Hey James.

And a big thank you to you also for taking a look and the kind words.

I'm glad the quote at the beginning worked for the story.  I don't use those too often to start stories out because of the reason you stated, they try and make the story more reverent than it actually is, but it really seemed to fit here.  I will admit, though, that I do love seeing quotes at the beginning of films and books and, although I'll rarely use them, I am a fan of them.

I understand what you're saying about 'scaling back', and what to scale back on.  While I do try and be subtle about things a lot of the time so it doesn't look like I'm shoving messages down people's throats, I can see the spots you're talking about where I can scale back even more without the message being lost.

Thank you very much again, James, for taking a look for me.  I'm glad you enjoyed it.

- Mark


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alffy
Posted: April 28th, 2013, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Mark, I thought I'd read this but then realised I only read the first few pages and meant to come back and finish...damn my 3 second memory!

This has probably been picked up on but Michael has two dialogues in a row at the bottom of page 7.

I'll start by saying this was beautifully written and had a strong message.  The dialogue between Antwan and Michael was good, as was all the characters.  I will say it seemed a tad long for story though.  I won't rabbit on about the 'message' as I'm sure most have already covered this.

Overall I liked the story but I still think it could be trimmed.  Great writing though, Mark.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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rc1107
Posted: April 28th, 2013, 11:40pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Anthony!

I appreciate the read.

I forget what happened to make Michael have two dialogues in a row.  I think I had an action description between his two lines and deleted it, but forgot to run the dialogue together.  Thanks for the catch.

And I appreciate the compliments, as well.

I agree with you, there's probably a ton more that can be trimmed.  It was originally written for a contest where the script had to be 15-30 pages.  I had to BS a lot to get the page count up there, and when I went back to cut it down, I found out I kind of liked a lot of the BS and was very weary of what to cut and not.

In the future, I'm acually hoping to see if I can BS the story into a 90 page feature.  :-)

Thanks again for the read, Anthony.  I hope everything's been going good with you recently.

- Mark


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alffy
Posted: April 29th, 2013, 2:07am Report to Moderator
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I think you could spin this into a feature.  You've got the characters to build on and already suggested possible storyline's with Michael and Antwan's relationship and also the grieving families.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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