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Sorry. I just noticed your post on this. Thank you very much for taking the time to check it out and let me know your thoughts.
Quoted from johnny
I still thought more conflict would be appropriate in their discussion.
Yeah. In the rewrite before filming there's plans to amp up the conflict between Michael and Antwan instead of just absolute forgiveness at the onset.
Quoted from johnny
Antwan's last words were great, but felt forced. Can you explain this to me?
Comedy relief. Did it work? :-) Actually, in my head, it was just my way of showing that Antwan is being strong in the face of whatever's left to come, just like he promised Michael he would be. That line probably won't make the final cut anyway. It'll most likely be cut or changed. At least that's the plan. It was more of a nod to Oscar Wilde than anything anyway. It probably doesn't belong.
I enjoyed the protestors conflicting with in themselves, as I really think that this is what you were going for theme-wise.
How well you know me. :-) That's pretty much the exact theme I was going for. In fact, there's a newspaper journalist who described perfectly what the script was about. I'll find it and post it in a moment. I've been meaning to anyway.
Thanks again for letting me know what you thought, Johnny. As always, I'm surprised to see how well you know everything going on inside my head with my stories.
Mark, Congrats on getting this filmed. I read the article. This sounds like it is in capable hands and should turn out fine on film. I will read the script when I get off of work - after I finish Yesterday Syndrome (as I promised Michael).
Wishing you nothing but success!
Jeff
My Scripts: SHORTS Bed Bugs I Got The Shaft No Clowning Around Fool's Gold Five Days for Redemption
Hey Mark, just read this since you're checking out my work and this was listed in your signature. lol
Hey, Mark. Sorry it took so long to read this. I actually read it and went on vacation for a week before I replied with my thoughts. After reading this and the loglines of your other scripts, I can see why you didn't like A STAND AGAINST EVIL. There's a pretty noticeable difference in our choices of tone.
That being said, I thought your script was one of the best scripts I've read here. The concept itself wasn't really ground-breaking, but it was really well told. As someone who avoids writing drama for this very reason, I can appreciate how deftly you handled the characters, the dialogue, the events, etc. You did it really well.
The characters seemed real for the most part, not just stereotypes. I pictured Bayer as a pudgy bureaucrat, wearing a white short-sleeved button-up shirt, a shiny badge. Flat-top haircut, maybe a mustache, and one HELLUVA beer gut.
The dialogue gave me the most trouble, I think. It worked, but it was borderline flat. It made Michael seem like a bleeding heart who was always kind and compassionate and dull, not someone who had struggled internally with his feelings toward the man who killed his son. Some of the lines are so OTN that I picture Michael being a guy who likes to hear himself talk. Sometimes it comes off as self-righteousness. If that's your intent, okay. It makes for a more realistic character, but I didn't find him to be more interesting.
Congrats on this getting produced! It's certainly worthy of that status.
"I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'."
Thanks for checking this one out. I appreciate the compliments, especially since you're not a particular fan of drama.
I'm glad you brought up the internal conflict in Michael's character. That's one thing that's been talked about in pre-production talks, about Michael struggling a little bit more with forgiving Antwan so easily. I'm confident the film resolves that issue.
I admit the dialogue may read on the nose at some points, but I think it'll be cleared up when the actors get a hold of the dialogue. If they can reach the emotion the characters are going through, it should read very natural.
Thanks for reading this, Dan, and letting me know your thoughts.
I admit the dialogue may read on the nose at some points, but I think it'll be cleared up when the actors get a hold of the dialogue. If they can reach the emotion the characters are going through, it should read very natural.
That's a good (and exciting) point. It's also the fun part about directing.
"I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'."
New thoughts on the story are always very much appreciated.
I thought about that myself about the 'Father's here', line. But then I thought the cut to the praying with the priest would be a good jar from the expectations of a dramatic dad/son goodbye.
There are going to be certain changes to the script, nothing too-too dramatic, but the ideas they did bring up I loved and think they added a dynamic to the script that wasn't there before. I think they have the changes clear-cut in their head, so there won't be any overhaul or anything like that to the script.
Feel free to post your notes if you'd like and if you have the time. Like I said, they're always appreciated.
It's funny how you mentioned I should play the guard. I actually wrote that part for myself, even though I have no aspirations myself to become an actor. (I had to work the day of auditions, though. I wouldn't have had a good chance at all of getting the part, but I still would've tried. :-) (I also would've loved to play the priest. Father Lyons has a nice ring to it.)
Thanks again, Jeff, for checking it out. You'll be hearing from me soon.
Welcome back and congratulations on the success of The Ephesian. Can't wait to see it.
I actually just read this now for the first time. Can't believe I missed it. I won't bore you with my comments, none of which mean anything really seeing as its a film now. But this was really good. You make it look so easy.
Anyway, here's hoping you don't check the boards tonight. Rather, slam down a few adult beverages and enjoy your well deserved success!