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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Ephesian by Mark Lyons - Produced Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Ephesian by Mark Lyons - Produced  (currently 12500 views)
rc1107
Posted: August 8th, 2013, 12:09am Report to Moderator
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Hey Johnny.

Sorry.  I just noticed your post on this.  Thank you very much for taking the time to check it out and let me know your thoughts.


Quoted from johnny
I still thought more conflict would be appropriate in their discussion.


Yeah.  In the rewrite before filming there's plans to amp up the conflict between Michael and Antwan instead of just absolute forgiveness at the onset.


Quoted from johnny
Antwan's last words were great, but felt forced.  Can you explain this to me?


Comedy relief.  Did it work?  :-)  Actually, in my head, it was just my way of showing that Antwan is being strong in the face of whatever's left to come, just like he promised Michael he would be.  That line probably won't make the final cut anyway.  It'll most likely be cut or changed.  At least that's the plan.  It was more of a nod to Oscar Wilde than anything anyway.  It probably doesn't belong.


Quoted from Johnny
I enjoyed the protestors conflicting with in themselves, as I really think that this is what you were going for theme-wise.


How well you know me.  :-)  That's pretty much the exact theme I was going for.  In fact, there's a newspaper journalist who described perfectly what the script was about.  I'll find it and post it in a moment.  I've been meaning to anyway.

Thanks again for letting me know what you thought, Johnny.  As always, I'm surprised to see how well you know everything going on inside my head with my stories.

- Mark


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rc1107
Posted: August 8th, 2013, 12:10am Report to Moderator
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Welp, auditions are over and the SAG contracts are out and the story's one step closer to coming to fruition.

For anybody interested, a newspaper article was published in The Record Herald on the story and the production company behind it:

http://www.therecordherald.com/article/20130727/NEWS/130729888

Thanks again for everybody's reads and thoughts and suggestions along the way so far!


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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: August 8th, 2013, 8:59am Report to Moderator
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Mark,
Congrats on getting this filmed.  I read the article.  This sounds like it is in capable hands and should turn out fine on film.  I will read the script when I get off of work - after I finish Yesterday Syndrome (as I promised Michael).

Wishing you nothing but success!

Jeff


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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rc1107
Posted: August 8th, 2013, 10:35am Report to Moderator
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Hey Jeff.

Rags 2 Riches has been great to work with.  I think they have big things ahead of them.

'Five Days for Redemption' looks like it's right up my alley.  I'll be checking it out as soon as I'm done running around a bit.

- Mark


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DanBall
Posted: August 18th, 2013, 10:40am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mark, just read this since you're checking out my work and this was listed in your signature. lol

Hey, Mark. Sorry it took so long to read this. I actually read it and went on vacation for a week before I replied with my thoughts. After reading this and the loglines of your other scripts, I can see why you didn't like A STAND AGAINST EVIL. There's a pretty noticeable difference in our choices of tone.

That being said, I thought your script was one of the best scripts I've read here. The concept itself wasn't really ground-breaking, but it was really well told. As someone who avoids writing drama for this very reason, I can appreciate how deftly you handled the characters, the dialogue, the events, etc. You did it really well.

The characters seemed real for the most part, not just stereotypes. I pictured Bayer as a pudgy bureaucrat, wearing a white short-sleeved button-up shirt, a shiny badge. Flat-top haircut, maybe a mustache, and one HELLUVA beer gut.

The dialogue gave me the most trouble, I think. It worked, but it was borderline flat. It made Michael seem like a bleeding heart who was always kind and compassionate and dull, not someone who had struggled internally with his feelings toward the man who killed his son. Some of the lines are so OTN that I picture Michael being a guy who likes to hear himself talk. Sometimes it comes off as self-righteousness. If that's your intent, okay. It makes for a more realistic character, but I didn't find him to be more interesting.

Congrats on this getting produced! It's certainly worthy of that status.


"I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'."

THE PINBALL WARRIOR (scifi, WIP, ~30 pg.)
A STAND AGAINST EVIL (short, 9 pg.)
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rc1107
Posted: August 19th, 2013, 8:06am Report to Moderator
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Hey Dan.

Thanks for checking this one out.  I appreciate the compliments, especially since you're not a particular fan of drama.

I'm glad you brought up the internal conflict in Michael's character.  That's one thing that's been talked about in pre-production talks, about Michael struggling a little bit more with forgiving Antwan so easily.  I'm confident the film resolves that issue.

I admit the dialogue may read on the nose at some points, but I think it'll be cleared up when the actors get a hold of the dialogue.  If they can reach the emotion the characters are going through, it should read very natural.

Thanks for reading this, Dan, and letting me know your thoughts.

- Mark


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DanBall
Posted: August 19th, 2013, 8:53am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from rc1107
I admit the dialogue may read on the nose at some points, but I think it'll be cleared up when the actors get a hold of the dialogue.  If they can reach the emotion the characters are going through, it should read very natural.


That's a good (and exciting) point. It's also the fun part about directing.



"I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'."

THE PINBALL WARRIOR (scifi, WIP, ~30 pg.)
A STAND AGAINST EVIL (short, 9 pg.)
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: August 19th, 2013, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
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Mark,

I just got to read this.  Been traveling on business and haven't had a chance to comment.

I know this is going into production, so are you still wanting some feedback?

One thing, I would give the priest a name.  When the guard says, "father's here.", it seems like his father.  Make him Father Mike or something.

Also, would like to know if they want you to tweak the script as they go.  If there are a lot of changes you have to make.  If you don't mind.

I liked the script.  Sure there are other things I noted as I read, but you are getting this filmed.  So, not really sure I could offer anything.

Good job and good luck with the filming!!

P.S.  You should play the guard or another part in it!

Jeff


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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rc1107
Posted: August 20th, 2013, 12:40am Report to Moderator
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Hey Jeff.

New thoughts on the story are always very much appreciated.

I thought about that myself about the 'Father's here', line.  But then I thought the cut to the praying with the priest would be a good jar from the expectations of a dramatic dad/son goodbye.

There are going to be certain changes to the script, nothing too-too dramatic, but the ideas they did bring up I loved and think they added a dynamic to the script that wasn't there before.  I think they have the changes clear-cut in their head, so there won't be any overhaul or anything like that to the script.

Feel free to post your notes if you'd like and if you have the time.  Like I said, they're always appreciated.

It's funny how you mentioned I should play the guard.  I actually wrote that part for myself, even though I have no aspirations myself to become an actor.  (I had to work the day of auditions, though.  I wouldn't have had a good chance at all of getting the part, but I still would've tried.  :-)  (I also would've loved to play the priest.  Father Lyons has a nice ring to it.)

Thanks again, Jeff, for checking it out.  You'll be hearing from me soon.

- Mark


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rc1107
Posted: May 2nd, 2014, 6:03am Report to Moderator
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Finally, a vacation!  I can finally catch up on some SimplyScripts time.

Just wanted to post an update.  I'm in Baltimore on my way to D.C. now for the premiere of 'The Ephesian' at the Maryland International Film Festival!

I just wanted to thank EVERYbody here at the site for all the support throughout the years and of course Don for such a wonderful site.

I hope everybody's been good and I can't wait to catch up on what everybody here's been up to.

- Mark


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irish eyes
Posted: May 2nd, 2014, 9:33am Report to Moderator
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Good to have you back Mark 2.

Hope all goes well at the festival, rubbing shoulders with the big shots

Just remember us little guys

Mark 1


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rc1107
Posted: May 2nd, 2014, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
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Of course, I'll always remember you guys, Mike.


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rc1107
Posted: May 2nd, 2014, 2:32pm Report to Moderator
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I mean Matt.


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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: May 2nd, 2014, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
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Oh cool, one my favorite shorts has been bumped up...by Mark? Whadaya say there!?

Oh man I can't wait to see this. This is gonna be a homerun for sure, please share how everything goes at the premiere and congrats!
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SAC
Posted: May 2nd, 2014, 8:11pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Hey Mark,

Welcome back and congratulations on the success of The Ephesian. Can't wait to see it.

I actually just read this now for the first time. Can't believe I missed it. I won't bore you with my comments, none of which mean anything really seeing as its a film now. But this was really good. You make it look so easy.

Anyway, here's hoping you don't check the boards tonight. Rather, slam down a few adult beverages and enjoy your well deserved success!

Steve


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