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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Last Rites Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 7th, 2013, 6:29am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Last Rites by Gary Howell (hawkeye) - Short, Action, Drama - During the Battle of the Bulge, a U.S. Army priest must choose between doing his job and saving his own life. 10 pages - pdf, format


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Gary in Houston
Posted: May 7th, 2013, 7:32am Report to Moderator
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Wow!  That was quick!  Thanks, as always, to Don for putting this up and for all he and the moderators do for this site!

This was a piece I wrote this past week partly out of frustration over my inability to finish the 7 week challenge feature piece (which I'm still working on, btw).  I am perpetually fascinated by the history of World War II and the Korean War, and I'm intending to ultimately prepare a feature based on the Korean War's Battle of the Chosin Reservoir, a battle my father fought in, and he never spoke about until very late in life.  This short was originally set during that battle, but for reasons that become clear at the end, I had to change the setting to World War II.  Hope you enjoy this for what it is--a nod to the guys who served on the front lines but never fired a weapon.

UPDATE:  One thing I noted in the script at the end is that I make mention of a German soldier speaking in German, with American subtitles.  What I meant to do was to note to the readers that all German characters speak only German.  I hope that clears up any confusion at the end.

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned


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Gary in Houston  -  May 7th, 2013, 12:44pm
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rc1107
Posted: May 7th, 2013, 7:40am Report to Moderator
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Hey Gary.

I've been waiting to check out another one of your stories.

Hmm.  Interesting story you have here.  I liked it.

I will say I wasn't so sure about the beginning, though.  It was a little... offbeat, I'd say.  There were a couple times during their dialogues that I thought this was going to go into comedy territory, and looking back on it, I don't know why.

I think it was because of the characters' dialogue.  I kept waiting for one of them to bust out some Jewish jokes on Steinberg or something.  Maybe I've just come across too many of the religious discussions here on the board is why I kept waiting for the jokes to come flying.

But other than that, I was interested in this piece, Gary.  You put your characters in some awkward predicaments and it was nice to see their reactions and the choices they made.

I guess, all in all, this story reminds me of one of my favorite sayings:  "There's just enough religion in the world to make men hate each other; but not enough to make them love."

Although this is probably way too pricey to ever get produced, unless you work it up into a feature, (could be interesting following a priest through wartime, I don't know if it's ever been done before), it's still a story worth telling and worth reading.

Good job on this one, Gary.

- Mark


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Gary in Houston
Posted: May 7th, 2013, 9:17am Report to Moderator
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Mark, thank you very much.  I appreciate that. Also glad you are doing better after your injury!  I think I was going for this tone that was on the border of serio-comic, as I've found that many soldiers during wartime cope with the horror they're facing with a mixture of comedy and hostility.   I also deliberately stayed away from making jokes at Steinberg's expense as I didn't think it would fit in with the tone being set by the priest.

I do agree this would never be filmed because of the cost, and I do want to incorporate something along the lines of this story into a feature that highlights the unsung heroes like priests and medics and journalists who were on the front line.

Thanks again!

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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spesh2k
Posted: May 7th, 2013, 9:58am Report to Moderator
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Hey Gary,

Intriguing piece you have here. The writing was good, the description vivid. I felt like I was on the battlefield with your characters.

The story was different. I liked how Cahill gave Steinberg his Last Rites as he died despite his explanation earlier about how couldn't do it based on his religion.

And though it was sad Cahill died, the German priest performing last rites despite being from opposing sides was a great touch. Great way to end the story. In the end, despite the differences we have in philosophies, evil or not, we are simply men.

Now, this was a bit description heavy, though I feel it had to be to truly provide us with the chaos that ensued. But some of the wording can be trimmed in the description.

E.G. - LIEUTENANT DENNIS CAHILL, 26, moves about the bunkers. Tall and wiry, he not only is a lieutenant, but also a PRIEST. He wears the collar of the priesthood with his uniform.

We SEE that he is a priest simply by looking at the collar. And the two soldiers refer to him as Lieutenant - no need to tell us in his description. You can just write LIEUTENANT DENNIS CAHILL, 26, moves about the bunkers. Tall and wiry, he wears a clerical collar (or priest collar) with his uniform.

Also, the dialogue felt a bit expository on page 2-3. A lot of explanation. It is important to the story, but I'm sure there's a way to be more subtle with it without taking away from what the characters are saying.

Overall, nice job. The story breathes emotion and you have a good sense of setting.


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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Gary in Houston
Posted: May 7th, 2013, 12:39pm Report to Moderator
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Michael, thanks for the read--I greatly appreciate the comments.  One of my bad habits is providing too much exposition at times in the action and at other times in the dialogue.  I really had a concern about the back and forth between Cahill and Steinberg being too explanatory but I also didn't want it to go on for too long so I tried to put as much explanation in Cahill's response without it seeming over the top.  I also tried to get away from it as quickly as possible to move the story forward.  

Thanks again--I owe you and Mark a couple of reads.  I hadn't been focused on reviews too much lately but I'm getting back around to it shortly!

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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Heretic
Posted: May 7th, 2013, 12:58pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Gary,

I liked this one. The second half is very strong and definitely has characters facing tough, dramatic choices.

I think the exposition in the first half is very clunky. The worst offender is Cahill's line explaining the Catholic position on last rites, but I think quite a bit of it reads a little bit dull. I also think that the rising tension in the first half would work a lot better with a more defined inciting incident, and might make the expository stuff more interesting.

For example, if the short began with the classic Arrival of the Panicked Messenger -- though I think there's probably something better than this -- there'd be a lot more urgency to the first half, especially in conflicts like whether or not Cahill can perform rites for Steinberg. As it is, the short is halfway there...we know that the enemy is coming, and we know that it might be bad, but why do halfway when you've only got a few pages? I'd put it out there on page one: almost certain death is coming. So when Steinberg is questioning Cahill on whether he can perform rites, there's as much possible dramatic weight behind what is essentially exposition.

I also think you've built in, but not entirely capitalized on, another interesting dynamic: the Catholic soldier (forget his name) and his lack of knowledge about his own faith. There's something quite interesting, I think, in the line where he says something like, "Hey, I'm Catholic, does that mean I shouldn't kill?" People who feel a faith very strongly, but don't necessarily agree with all the rules that that faith lays out as an organization, are very interesting, and I think you could do more with this aspect of his character.

I gotta run now, but anyway, I enjoyed this, thanks!

Ooh and watch out for the word "sub-freezing" somewhere near the start...I'm sure it's cold, but it's not THAT cold.
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Gary in Houston
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Quoted from Heretic
Hey Gary,

I think the exposition in the first half is very clunky. The worst offender is Cahill's line explaining the Catholic position on last rites, but I think quite a bit of it reads a little bit dull. I also think that the rising tension in the first half would work a lot better with a more defined inciting incident, and might make the expository stuff more interesting.

For example, if the short began with the classic Arrival of the Panicked Messenger -- though I think there's probably something better than this -- there'd be a lot more urgency to the first half, especially in conflicts like whether or not Cahill can perform rites for Steinberg. As it is, the short is halfway there...we know that the enemy is coming, and we know that it might be bad, but why do halfway when you've only got a few pages? I'd put it out there on page one: almost certain death is coming. So when Steinberg is questioning Cahill on whether he can perform rites, there's as much possible dramatic weight behind what is essentially exposition.



Thanks for taking a look at this and your valuable comments. I really like the idea of having the urgency moved up to the beginning to prompt the discussion and make it feel more natural in the setting.

And I totally agree that the exposition got a little out of hand and I need to tighten that up.

On an unrelated note, every time I look at your profile pic, I can't help but think that Hillary Duff has taken time out of her busy day to review my work and craft a wonderfully thought out review.  So thanks Hillary!

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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stevemiles
Posted: May 7th, 2013, 2:23pm Report to Moderator
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Gary,

while some elements of this didn’t quite work for me I do think there’s a good deal of scope in the idea of a military chaplain as a main character.  It’s an interesting angle -- a strangely humane aspect of warfare that seems at odds with the reality.

While his dialogue on p.2-3 seems well researched (least to a heathen like me) Cahill’s explanation of his faith comes across as a tad heavy-handed; reading more like it’s written for the audiences benefit. To me this whole exchange seemed a little casual given the situation -- think you could really ramp up the tension here as they wait for the attack.  Also given the logline I’d liked to have gotten a better sense of Cahill and why he decides to stay -- despite the looming danger and orders to the contrary.

Writing wise I’d think about breaking up some of the larger blocks of action and trimming some of the more superfluous details to smooth out the read -- make it a little easier on the eye.

Not sure you need to introduce the German characters by name (and even rank) as their roles are fleeting.

Nice to read something with a bit of action in it. Best of luck.

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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Gary in Houston
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Quoted from stevemiles
Gary,

While his dialogue on p.2-3 seems well researched (least to a heathen like me) Cahill’s explanation of his faith comes across as a tad heavy-handed; reading more like it’s written for the audiences benefit. To me this whole exchange seemed a little casual given the situation -- think you could really ramp up the tension here as they wait for the attack.  Also given the logline I’d liked to have gotten a better sense of Cahill and why he decides to stay -- despite the looming danger and orders to the contrary.

Writing wise I’d think about breaking up some of the larger blocks of action and trimming some of the more superfluous details to smooth out the read -- make it a little easier on the eye.

Not sure you need to introduce the German characters by name (and even rank) as their roles are fleeting.



Steve, thanks very much for the read.  I agree that the tension probably could use some ramping up, and when I incorporate this into a feature that I plan in the future, I will definitely take that into consideration.  Looking back on it, I can see where it does come off as a bit casual given the circumstances.

Regarding naming the German characters, I typically always like to name any of my characters that have speaking roles, just because it helps me relate to them and get a bit of an understanding for their actions.  I understand your thinking, though.

Appreciate your comments!

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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DustinBowcot
Posted: May 8th, 2013, 3:53pm Report to Moderator
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It needs trimming down quite a lot and needs another draft to come up to standard. Upon saying that, I actually enjoyed the story. I felt for the priest when he died so you did a good job there.
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DV44
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Gary,

Nice job on this one. I've read all three of your short stories and enjoyed them all. But this one clearly ranks as my favorite.

I agree with some of the others that the action lines could be broken up. There's a couple of times that you go to five lines when you should be aiming for four lines or less. It reads faster that way. Also when you describe your characters you tend to overwrite a bit. One example on --

Page.2 LIEUTENTANT LEWIS PERRY, 25, a platoon leader, quickly approaches the foxhole occupied by Steinberg and Bauer. He is clean cut and built like a linebacker.

Could be --

LIEUTENTANT LEWIS PERRY, 25, platoon leader, clean cut and built like a linebacker, quickly approaches Steinberg and Bauer's foxhole.

Again, nice job. Man was that touching at the end. I loved the German priest praying with Cahill.

Take care and best of luck with future projects. By the way, I hope you enjoyed Vegas!

- Dirk
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AmbitionIsKey
Posted: May 9th, 2013, 7:13am Report to Moderator
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So, I enjoyed this, which is strange since this type of read is not my usual thing.

Like previously said, everything looks rather pushed together, you need to break up your action lines a lot more.  

The only other thing I could say is that the writing is simple and straight-forward and you managed to develop the characters well.

-- Curt


"No matter what you do, your job is to tell your story..."

Short scripts

GONE
(6 pages, drama/thriller)
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Gary in Houston
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Quoted from DustinBowcot
It needs trimming down quite a lot and needs another draft to come up to standard. Upon saying that, I actually enjoyed the story. I felt for the priest when he died so you did a good job there.


Dustin, thanks for the read.  I agree that there does need to be some trimming done, but I'm glad you enjoyed the story!

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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Gary in Houston
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Quoted from DV44
Gary,

Nice job on this one. I've read all three of your short stories and enjoyed them all. But this one clearly ranks as my favorite.

I agree with some of the others that the action lines could be broken up. There's a couple of times that you go to five lines when you should be aiming for four lines or less. It reads faster that way. Also when you describe your characters you tend to overwrite a bit. One example on --

Page.2 LIEUTENTANT LEWIS PERRY, 25, a platoon leader, quickly approaches the foxhole occupied by Steinberg and Bauer. He is clean cut and built like a linebacker.

Could be --

LIEUTENTANT LEWIS PERRY, 25, platoon leader, clean cut and built like a linebacker, quickly approaches Steinberg and Bauer's foxhole.

Again, nice job. Man was that touching at the end. I loved the German priest praying with Cahill.

Take care and best of luck with future projects. By the way, I hope you enjoyed Vegas!

- Dirk


Thanks Dirk!  Yeah, Vegas cleaned my clock, but I had a great time!  I hear you on the description and action comments--those are areas as a writer I still need to work on a lot--it has gotten better since I first started writing, though, thanks to sites like this and all the valuable feedback I get.

I'll hit you up soon--we still need to collaborate on a story!

Thanks again for the read!
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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