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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Castles Moderators: bert
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  Author    Castles  (currently 3105 views)
SAC
Posted: August 6th, 2013, 6:32am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Mark,

Thanks for the reads on both shorts. They were actually two little distractions that found there way in between me writing my next feature. And shorts are a good way for me to work on things to keep myself sharp. And to try different things out.

I'm glad you mentioned your 3 year old, because that's exactly what this story took its cue from. I have a four year old, and sometimes he'll just say something totally out of the blue that'll leave you scratching your head! It's a beautiful thing really.

These stories were not beated out. Just from mind to page. There was some symbolism involved in Castles that could have been better executed. Johnny Nuts noted the symbolism of the flag as an example. That's something that could have been fleshed out a little. But in the end it's just a dad and his boy, like you said. No more, no less.

Thanks for taking the time.

Steve



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SAC  -  August 6th, 2013, 6:46am
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irish eyes
Posted: February 26th, 2014, 11:19pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Steve

This was a cute little story, nothing that packed a punch or smoking hot baywatch lifeguards   just a simple father and son relationship.

I guess you that were not trying to leave the audience thinking about a deeper level although the "just like life" quote did leave me pondering a bit. I was thinking maybe his mother was eaten by a shark, but would have survived had she stayed and built a sandcastle

How did the lifeguard motion to an unseen swimmer, if he's unseen how did he see him? aha
I thought after the 3rd castle disaster the father would grab a bag of sakrete, maybe pour a foundation, install a mini septic system the whole works

Another nicely wrote short although not as creative as the others... missing David Hasselhoff

Mark

p.s I have 2 daughters 5 and 9 and always say profound things to me " Daddy you smell" What does it mean? there must be a deeper meaning


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SAC
Posted: February 27th, 2014, 9:05am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Quoted from irish eyes
I was thinking maybe his mother was eaten by a shark, but would have survived had she stayed and built a sandcastle


Hmm. Wife eaten by a shark. I'll save that one for the next time we get into a knock-down drag-out fight.


Quoted from Mark
p.s I have 2 daughters 5 and 9 and always say profound things to me " Daddy you smell" What does it mean? there must be a deeper meaning


Boy, that's so open to interpretation. The possibilities are just endless. Lately my son has taken to punching me in the nuts while shouting out "Family jewels! Family jewels!" Unfortunately, I know exactly how he learned that.  


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Gary in Houston
Posted: February 27th, 2014, 4:48pm Report to Moderator
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Steven, gave this one a read today and after I finished, I thought, "it's well written, but what's it about?" The best I can figure is that the boy keeps building sand castles, and they keep getting knocked over, and the boy makes a statement to the effect of "well, that's life." Okay, and...?  I guess I kept expecting something more.  

It felt more like a Fellini short, where a lot of things happen that have nothing to do with the story.  For example, why have something in there about the fishermen? Unless I missed something, they don't have anything to do with the boy, correct?  If not, it's overkill to include them. A seagull cries. Well, yeah, but you're at a beach and you would expect that. So why end your story on that note? It just seems an odd way to go with it.

Don't get me wrong, certainly it was a very visual story and you could clearly see all this happening, and the action was nicely written (if not a little odd at times), but I guess what I'm getting at is that it could be a much stronger story (and this is just my opinion), if something further happened while they are there, or alternatively, the story is a backdrop to why the dad and boy are there on their own.

Just my two cents, but it's certainly makes you think a little bit about what's happening here.

Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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dogglebe
Posted: February 27th, 2014, 6:36pm Report to Moderator
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You say that this short is based on characters from a feature you're writing.  I definitely got the feeling that this was part of a bigger piece.  Not enough happens for it to stand on its own, but it was a pleasant and believeable read.


Phil

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Gum
Posted: February 27th, 2014, 9:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Steve;

Short and sweet, a nice easy read that put me in a real laid back mood.

Not sure if there's any deeper meaning that a reader could pull from this, aside from the fact that it just resonates a moment in time. That is what life is after all, short little movies that play out in the mind of things that may or may not have happened at some point in time.

One thing you might have added was having 'Ray', perhaps gaze towards the sky, hand deflecting the sun, trying to contemplate why his son would even suggest, out of the myriad of toys a small child would ask for; something as obtuse as a Space Station. Unless he's crazy on Playmobil toys, then it's a given.

Then maybe have a small, somewhat insignificant sky anomaly take place when he's looking up. Nothing to weird, maybe something suggestive as a Chemtrail, or a shimmer in the sky, something that has the reader question 'Chance's' choice of words. Children are very clever at finding the truth that their parents fail to see.

As it stands, it works to tell a tale, just wish there was a deeper meaning I could pull from it. Hope this helps in some way. Take care... Rick.
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SAC
Posted: February 27th, 2014, 10:51pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Gary, Phil, AsfarasSiam,

thanks for the read, guys.  I really appreciate you taking your time to have a look.  If I can return a read, please let me know.


Quoted from Gary
Steven, gave this one a read today and after I finished, I thought, "it's well written, but what's it about?"


Great question, Gary.  I'll defer you to AsfarsaSiam's post where he says--


Quoted from AsfarasSiam
Not sure if there's any deeper meaning that a reader could pull from this, aside from the fact that it just resonates a moment in time.


That's really what it is.  I wrote this after I went to the beach with my wife and 4 year old son, and well, kids do say some strange things, so I just kinda pieced the two together and came up with this.  I know there's no hook, no twist--just a day at the beach.  It's what was in my mind at the moment, and I wrote it down.

And yes, we did build sand castles.


Quoted from Gary
It felt more like a Fellini short, where a lot of things happen that have nothing to do with the story.  For example, why have something in there about the fishermen? Unless I missed something, they don't have anything to do with the boy, correct?


Sort of correct.  The two fisherman are just representation of the boy and father, but at a later stage in their lives.  I'm big on symbolism.  Sometimes it works well, sometimes not.


Quoted from Gary
A seagull cries. Well, yeah, but you're at a beach and you would expect that. So why end your story on that note? It just seems an odd way to go with it.


Well, yeah, seagulls do hang out at beaches.  Why not end it that way?


Quoted from Phil
You say that this short is based on characters from a feature you're writing.  I definitely got the feeling that this was part of a bigger piece.  Not enough happens for it to stand on its own, but it was a pleasant and believeable read.


This isn't a scene from something bigger, though.  Just borrowed the characters.  Does it stand on its own?  Debatable.  At the time I thought it did.

Steve


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SAC
Posted: February 27th, 2014, 10:58pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Quoted from Gum
Then maybe have a small, somewhat insignificant sky anomaly take place when he's looking up. Nothing to weird, maybe something suggestive as a Chemtrail, or a shimmer in the sky, something that has the reader question 'Chance's' choice of words.


Perhaps a sun dog?



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Reel-truth
Posted: March 1st, 2014, 10:20am Report to Moderator
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Steve

I took a look at castles. I gotta’ say I liked it. I got good visuals of the boy and his father. It was a warm hearted little tale. I liked that the boy was so determined to rebuild his castle over and over again. It showed a type of strong character trail on the boys part. I did get what you were trying to convey about sometimes a child can say profound things that can make an adult step back in awe. And then get lost by typical child thoughts. But I can see where it may seem like the ending felt like… it just ended.

A gull cries. For some reason that felt poetic. I liked it. Nice touch.

Good job man
Marcello



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SAC
Posted: March 1st, 2014, 11:21pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Marcello,

Thanks for checking this out, bro.  I'm glad you liked it.

Steve


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StevenHarvey
Posted: March 2nd, 2014, 11:08am Report to Moderator
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Have to say, I really liked this. Particularly how simplistic it is, in the best possible way. I too was thinking there'd be something sinister about to happen but you stuck it out (I couldn't have resisted taking it in a darker direction) so congrats. A charming little story.

That said, I think the dialogue was little too simple, not that I'd want Chance quoting literature or anything... just that some of it was too obvious if that makes sense?

EG:

CHANCE
Hold me, daddy.

...

CHANCE
That was a big one, daddy! Bigger
than anything I've ever seen.

RAY
Yeah. That was a big one.


I just think this dialogue is unnecessary but that's just my opinion.

Overall, I like the flow of your writing, and wish I could keep my stories this pleasant, and simple (again, not in a bad way) as I tend to write convoluted stories.

-- Steve
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