Fashion Statement by Anthony Cawood - Short, Drama - A trio of friends sit in what appears to be a tattoo studio & try to decide what they should get. But it's not tattoos on the menu here. 6 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

I'm not too sure if you're on the boards, but I had to read your fisrt sentence three time - do you mean a McDonalds' burger or a Mac computer? If you are around, this needs re-working.

Well that was.. Interesting.

Sorry for the tardy response - didn't realise the script had gone live, will be more vigilant in future.

Mac seemed obvious to me given there's no A in McD etc but will amend to Mac Pro to make it clearer.

Matt - as an eternal optimist I'm gonna take 'Interesting' in a positive way

Thanks

Anthony

I liked it. Good story. Flow is jittery on the first page. I got instantly what was meant by the screen of a Mac.

This needs cleaning up for flow on the first page... make those action lines roll off the tongue. Don't get too tied up in describing them, dressed as a punk would suffice over all of that description. Use it to tell us something about them... the type of punk they are doesn't matter. Leave that to make-up and costume to figure out.

That may also be what is disturbing your flow on the first page. Your dialogue is good and natural, which is one of the more important aspects of writing a screenplay.

Nice work mate... something different.

Thanks Dustin, really appreciated, will have another look at flow at the start.

Glad you liked.

Anthony

This was good.

In the first page you know there's a twist coming. You can kind of guess what the direction is going to be, but it still works.

I like the last line, I think that's what makes it work.

I want to to say I liked it, but I dont know what the hell I just read. Somebody put a spoiler space down below. I read it twice and im still like...wtf.

I usually can stretch my imgination a bit when following a story. But if it's what I think it is, I just dont follow the suspension of disbelief . Maybe it's just my own taste

Yea the first page is a little choppy man. The dialogue fortuntaly helps throughout the script.

It's satirising the way youths today choose to mutilate themselves for the sake of fashion or belonging to a clique, even because they genuinely believe it looks cool. It takes a mere leap of the imagination to visualise the youth of the future getting into mutilation as a form of expression. Indeed, if we were to scour the deep web we would doubtless be able to find something along those lines already exists... somewhere.

Are they all girls? Did I Miss a line somewhere. I'm lost.

In the dialog there's, what seems to be, a bunch of commas missing.

I struggled reading it.

-B

I don't get it at all...maybe I'm too old to get the humor?  Is it supposed to be funny?

Issues by not giving your characters ages.  CONTINUED's on top and bottom of every page need to go.  Dialogue, to me, at least, is far from good.  If peeps actually talk like this, I sure haven't heard it.

Doesn't work for me at all, but again, I highly doubt I'm the intended audience.

Quoted from Dreamscale Dialogue, to me, at least, is far from good.

Ok it's not just me.

The others said it was good.

Being new, I just thought I was wrong or something.

It all just seems fake. It feels as if there reading a script that right in front of them.  Weird to say but it doesn't feel natural.

Well I guess it's good to stimulate debate

Dustin - thanks again!

So... yes it is satirising youth and fashion, check out some of the current body modification trends and we're almost there! I have no idea why people do it, but doesn't stop my imagination taking a very short leap... or filmakers filming it hopefully!

There are two girls and one boy, Ben is the boy and is reffered to in the script as He a couple of time - but I thought the name was enough... I didn't go for specific ages because 'show don't tell' and I think the script suggests a youth age range.

Dialogue and missing commas, have had a quick re-read and can't spot many - though on reflection there are way too many ellipses!

Humour (or humor if we must) - yes intent is dark comedy, sorry it fell short for some.

Dialogue, well I'm from the UK so youth lingo is probably different, but hey a couple of reviewers rate the dialogue and a couple don't, always good to get opinions.

Continued on top and bottom of pages... CeltX default setting, subsequently switched off.

'Feels as if there reading a script' do you mean they're reading a script or that there is a script there? Whichever you meant then I'm not sure I understand - wouldn't that only be obvious when filmed and the actors speak?

Anyway this is my most commented upon script to date - so using The Blacklist theory that polarising opinions are interesting too... then it's all great and useful.

Thanks all

I did notice a couple of typo's... but there aren't a bunch of commas missing. Certainly not enough to warrant mentioning them.

It is better to give an age range, but as you said in this case the subject matter calls for young actors, and anyone reading it will realise that. Of course, the odd person will get so confused that they won't be able to read any longer, but instances of that should be rare. The average IQ is 105, so anyone above that should be fine.

However... in future, put an age in brackets. I like to use, JOHN DOE (30s), ...

Also, look through for typo's. I noticed a too when it should have been two.

Code GWEN Oh I don’t know yet... why don’t you too look and work out yours first.

There are more that I've forgotten about.

I could see this one getting picked up by some student film makers that scour these threads from time to time looking for their next project. Cleaning up the things that have been mentioned will help your script look more professional, but won't do a thing for the story itself, which is sound, IMO.

Hi Anthony,

I agree with a previous poster about dialog issues - if I read the first half out loud it seems awkward. Second half improves. I would like to see a  more visual tie in between the dialog and images of carnage. Make the reader feel badly about someone's suffering when these knucle heads are rejoicing.

Gl with the script,

Tony.