SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 19th, 2024, 5:18am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Twisted Smile Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 7 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Twisted Smile  (currently 4578 views)
Don
Posted: April 19th, 2014, 7:15am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16369
Posts Per Day
1.94
Twisted Smile by Anthony Cawood - Short, Thriller, Dark Thriller - An dangerous old man has the twisted smile wiped from his face by an unexpected source. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 13th, 2017, 10:23am
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Andy JW
Posted: April 19th, 2014, 4:44pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
14
Posts Per Day
0.00
I like the concept but I think it could benefit by having a slower build up and more subtle approach.

Maybe it could take a bit longer to realise he's a bad guy. I would let up on Mae's constant use of Frank's name. I know you're employing it as a tool to convey passive-aggression, but I think you should hold off on it until the end when she has him right where she wants him.

I enjoyed the read and the fact that this could be produced for next-to-nothing definitely doesn't hurt your chances of someone picking it up!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 28
AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 20th, 2014, 5:17am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4311
Posts Per Day
1.14
Thanks Andy - appreciate the comments, I'll have a look at the build up an see if there's a different way in.
Thanks Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 28
LC
Posted: April 20th, 2014, 9:46pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7569
Posts Per Day
1.34
Hi Anthony, and welcome to SS.

SPOILERS FOLLOW:

Starting at the top, I'm not sure the audience is going to know it's a nurse's uniform unless Mum is actually wearing it. And, this would be a better visual imh. And, it would do away with the redundant and plodding 'typical family hallway'. Getting straight to the 'visual' is a good idea, given the medium is film.

I also suggest you do away with: 'Katy's, Mrs Green's Sarah's and Mr Dent's' just have her going to a friend's place would do the trick... and then obviously, she does the complete opposite.

Your actual writing is reading a little too passive i.e., you don't need 'stoops and... ' - 'plants a kiss or kisses her daughter' is fine.

Likewise: Be active i.e., use active verbs to describe both your dialogue and actions:

'Frank pitches forward and finds himself falling onto the
sofa.'

'pitches forward, falls to the floor/falls onto the couch' will suffice. Write what your audience will actually see on screen.

'They’ll just think an old man died
in his sleep.'


Hmm, I'm not sure this would fly. I'm pretty sure post-mortem techniques can easily tell if someone has been suffocated. I think you're going to have to be a little more ingenious or leave that bit out altogether, and ramp up Mae's character i.e.,

They're unlikely to believe a kid would murder... and I think if you develop her character more this would be far more creepy.

I didn't scan carefully for typos, but noticed:'Frank is lo longer' - 'no longer'.

Overall the dialogue throughout needs quite a bit of tweaking as it reads a little awkwardly and repetitive in places.

Right, I'll stop with the fine detail and just say you have managed nicely a creepy vibe with this one but then you unfortunately manage to kill it with it all being too convenient.

It's just all too easy for young Mae to carry out her plan unimpeded. And, at no time am I worried that Mae is ever in any danger from Frank.

Imh, you need to set that up first and then have her turn the tables on him. I think that's what you're going for, isn't it? Also, I think it'd be more effective if Mae was a little younger than 12-13 (btw just choose one age), or if she is this old - make her a little more sophisticated. At the moment her dialogue reads a lot younger... at least to me.

Like I said at the moment your setup is a little too contrived and convenient with Frank, especially the 'tea' scene which is the crux of your whole plot.

'That’s ok, I want to help the
school as much as possible.'


What if he hadn't suggested tea? What if she suggested it and he didn't want it? What was going to happen if her plan didn't work? Did she have another plan?

This is a solid premise and I encourage you to develop it, but you need to be far more inventive imh. Have a look at some clips on youtube for two movies in particular (regarding character) to give you inspiration:

'The Little Girl Who Lived Down the Lane'. & 'The Bad Seed'

Oh, and a tip - Anthony, read a few 'shorts' from the regulars and give feedback, and they'll respond in kind.

Very much looking forward to reading another draft.



Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  April 21st, 2014, 4:38am
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 28
AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 21st, 2014, 11:43am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4311
Posts Per Day
1.14
Thanks LC - really apreciate the great feedback and thanks for taking the time to go through the script and providing such a great level of constructive criticsm.

I will be ruminating and re-writing over next week or so to try and reflect some of these comments.

Re providing feedback for others/regulars... would love to but feel a little unqualified, I 've not been writing that long and have had nothing prodced yet (thought a couple are in pre). Maybe when I'm not quite so green!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 4 - 28
LC
Posted: April 21st, 2014, 11:53pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7569
Posts Per Day
1.34

Quoted from AnthonyCawood
Re providing feedback for others/regulars... would love to but feel a little unqualified, I 've not been writing that long and have had nothing prodced yet (thought a couple are in pre). Maybe when I'm not quite so green!


No professional credentials required, Anthony. If you're into writing and film you're more than qualified to give feedback on a script.

Just give your gut response re story, what works for you and what doesn't. Most people will thank you for the read and for your opinion.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 28
rendevous
Posted: April 22nd, 2014, 12:35am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Away

Location
Over there.
Posts
2354
Posts Per Day
0.43
Professional credentials? I think I had a problem with that once. Thankfully it cleared up. Just had to rub it with cream every now and again.

As LC says just read other scripts and tell them what you think.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 6 - 28
AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 22nd, 2014, 1:25am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4311
Posts Per Day
1.14
Ok - will do!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 7 - 28
AnthonyCawood
Posted: September 1st, 2014, 2:12pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4311
Posts Per Day
1.14
May be on a roll... after 'A Face in the Crowd's competiton placing yesterday I've just had an email to say that a NY production company want to buy this for an upcoming webseries.

I'm now going to buy a lottery ticket or two

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 8 - 28
DS
Posted: September 1st, 2014, 3:58pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
359
Posts Per Day
0.10
Looks like someone's having a good week. Congratulations!

- DS
Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 28
TonyDionisio
Posted: September 1st, 2014, 4:46pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Damnit, get to the point!

Location
Tennessee
Posts
768
Posts Per Day
0.20
Nice,
Go hit the casino and let it ride on black.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 10 - 28
DustinBowcot
Posted: September 2nd, 2014, 1:16am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Nice work Anthony. I haven't had anything produced yet either. Close with a couple of things (aside from my own), got a short and a feature in dev. A student was also supposed to have made The Final Loneliness, but I'm not sure that students count.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 11 - 28
AnthonyCawood
Posted: September 2nd, 2014, 1:49pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4311
Posts Per Day
1.14
Thanks all... thought I'd got another one today but turns out they want to make something I've already sold ;-(


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 12 - 28
Colkurtz8
Posted: September 9th, 2014, 7:08am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.31
Anthony

“MUM (30s) watches as MAE (12-13)”

- Is this the same Mae from “Father, Come Quick”?

“Mae passes Fank”

- Missing an “r” in “Frank”

“He turns the key in the lock and puts the chain on the latch
before following Mae.”

- Eek, all the signs suggest darkness afoot, it’s not looking good for Mae…

FRANK
Milky and four sugars, please Mae.
Give me a shout if you need a hand.

- Sh?t, that’s a lot of sugar.

Interesting twist with Mae becoming the hunter as opposed to the hunted, kinda reminded me of the turn in Hard Candy when, who you think is the victim turns out to be the one you should fear. I wonder though could you set it up some way at the beginning a clue or hint which only makes sense when Mae executes her plan of spiking Frank’s drink.  As its stands, it feels a bit random and contrived. An all innocent girl goes out to do good deeds for school, disobeys mother and comes across creepy old man. She drugs him while revealing, solely through dialogue, that kids have been going missing, she has been watching Frank and is now exacting revenge. It’s all just told to us thus it feels like we are only getting part of the story in which the bulk has happened before the script’s events.  As a result, its unsatisfactory.

I had a similar thing with a short of mine some time ago which took place in one house featuring a big confrontation over a bad deed just committed…but was essentially a lot of telling of events that had happened prior and culminated in what was going on in the short now. In other words, I was basically depicting the end of a bigger story. I was never happy with it and a couple of years after when re-reading it struck me to develop all this back-story into a script which would conclude with the short I had written.

I think that parallels with a lot of how I feel about this. There is the seed of a decent script here, the idea of a sweet mid teen girl getting revenge on a pedophile murderer of her school friends is an intriguing premise, especially if you can find a way to withhold that revelation until it’s happening on screen…but not when we’re only getting the final act of it. And I appreciate one method of withholding the twist is by telling it the way you have here but I think you can do better, this is sort of a short cut way to shock the reader with an unexpected surprise.

Personally, I felt too “dropped in” on the story without any context so it’s hard to be invested in it, everything comes across as too set up in order for this dramatic scenario to unfold, you know. As I said, the motivations are already there, you got a clear good vs. evil narrative with the somewhat unique touch of a young girl as protagonist taking on a very adult situation. It’s definitely worth expanding, in my opinion.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 28
LeeOConnor
Posted: September 9th, 2014, 7:24am Report to Moderator
New



Location
UK
Posts
148
Posts Per Day
0.04
Hi Anthony,

Nice short and a little strange, but in a good way.

I don't think this sentence is needed though "On the coat pegs are coats, cardigans, a couple of hats, and nurses uniform."

Other than a few typos you have this one down to a T.

Lee
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 28
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006