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Many thanks for the reads, appreciated as always...
Howard - No it's not the same Mae... my daughter's middle name is Mae and I seem to keep using it
Love Hard Candy, great taught script and awesome film - but not technically an influence on this as I wrote it as a short story 15 years ago, then adapted recently... though I'm sure some of the tone leached through.
Reveal through dialogue, yeah agree kinda... but, and I wrestled with it, I wanted it to look like he's the predator and she's at risk. I couldn't work out a way of showing that without giving it away. So agree it's a bit of a drop in but I think it makes sense as it unravels... hopefully anyway.
Lee - glad you liked and hopefully i've since tidied up the typos...
Created an 'Americanised' version of the script at the weekend which is now with the New York producer who bought it for his web series... looking forward to seeing what they do with it.
This is an intriguing short and certainly a different take on the subject matter. Libby touched on a lot of key points, so I'll reemphasize the areas that could use reworking.
SPOILERS **
Mae seems younger than her given age.
You're setting Mae up as the predator from start to finish — tipping her hand. Libby mentioned "turning the tables," which would allow Mae to seem like a victim falling into the pedophile's trap. That would create a sense of danger and dread. Once caught, she springs her surprise — victim turns aggressor. Col mentioned "Hard Candy," and that's a good film to see how this setup works.
As your story unfolds, we never see the pedophile in action. You gives us no visual reason to hate this guy. He's a victim from the outset. Consider finding a way for Mae to draw Frank out of his safe haven. I'd like to see how he targets Mae and lures her back to his lair.
Frank is described as a wild-haired, disheveled guy in his 60s. All through the story, I never got a sense of his physical menace. He seems kind of broken down and pathetic. I kind of felt sorry for him. And why is he masturbating before tea? Is that his brand of foreplay? He seems like a feeble, horny old man in a nursing home, ha ha.
Mae seems exceptionally adept at murder. She eases into the role of killer without a stumble. Is that your intent? Mae could be a junior female version of "Dexter." That would be interesting.
If you want to create drama and tension, show us how nervous Mae is in executing her plan. To plan the deed is easier than to execute it. A zillion things can go wrong once Mae is inside of Frank's house. As Libby mentioned, what if Frank doesn't want tea. Her plan works only if Frank takes the sedative.
Your job is to create obstacles, what if moments. If something can go wrong, it should. You have a wonderfully scary situation here: a young girl locked inside of a murderous pedophile's domain. Give us some thrills before Mae sacks the bastard.
I too thought that Mae should have a Plan B if the sedative angle goes awry. But being a kid, maybe Mae is not thinking logically. But if you want a Plan B, or an alternate Plan A, maybe Mae has a confidant. Her BFF who might be waiting outside, with her phone ready to call 911. In reality, it's hard to image a young girl concocting such a devious plan by herself — unless her name is Rhonda (Bad Seed). Just a thought. I'm okay without a Plan B given Mae's age and all.
On the surface this seems like a revenge tale. But the way the story ends, Mae's seeming glee at offing Frank has me thinking it's not really about avenging a schoolmate's death. It seems to be about opportunity. She kills a scumbag that doesn't deserve to live. This goes back to the similarities with Dexter.
Although your story needs work, I think you're on to something. The script travels a similar path to a story line I've been mulling over for a while. So, I'm interested in seeing what you come up with on a rewrite. Nice work at this stage of your writing career. Good luck.
Hi Abe and many thanks for the read, really appreciated.
Recently sold this script to a producer in NY who wants to use it as part of a webseries... will bear your comments in mind as I work on any amends for him.
Had a read through the reviews and would just say that I agree with everything Libby said in her outstanding response....but they're easy enough fixes.
Bad comments are like little murders. Good ones are smiles. Pick your poison.
Overall, this is a nice tale. But it begs the question of why Mae had to take matters into her own hands. In our world she would have been taught over and over that the authorities would handle frank. What forces her hand? And she possesses knowledge about frank how? Many people would have seen him hanging around the school, no? Mae would have informed the police, right?
It's not that Mae can't take matters into her own hands. It's that it is her first idea, not her last. After all, she becomes a murderess without much care or remorse. To make her sympathetic she should try to obey the law first? Otherwise, she's no better than frank.
It's actually almost the horror standard that the protagonist has to face a monster and become a bigger monster in order to win. That's probably 99% of horror films summed up in one line.
Sidenote: I think there's a peculiarly American obsession with sympathetic characters. The rest of us don't really care so much whether they are sympathetic or not....just so long as they are interesting. Probably a cultural thing.
Rich, yes she could have gone to the authorities, but she chose to take matters into her own hands, why... well it's a short and I like it to be a little ambiguous, as per Scar's comment - that can be scarier...
Hard Candy follows the same line, my 'hero' is just younger, so I want the audience to be conflicted at the end, I don't want Mae to just get a ass cos she's young.
That's what I was going for anyway... can't wait to see what it comes out like when it's filmed at some point this year.
Good one. Fix the few typos, tighten it up in the places already mentioned, and I don't see why you shouldn't start getting inquiries to shoot. Keep us posted if it does get shot. I'd like to see it.
This one has been sold to Bruce Lucas Films and will form part of a web series he's producing. It's due to shoot in NY sometime in the spring. I'm looking forward to seeing how it turns out.
This was a good little read. I to found myself drawing similarities to Hard Candy but that's not a bad thing because I love that movie.
As mentioned there are a few typos to tidy up but I think all of them have been mentioned in previous comments. Looking at the date of the last post I imagine they have been fixed up a long time ago.
Would have enjoyed seeing this developed into a web series.
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