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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Twisted Smile Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 19th, 2014, 7:15am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Twisted Smile by Anthony Cawood - Short, Thriller, Dark Thriller - An dangerous old man has the twisted smile wiped from his face by an unexpected source. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (1 edits)
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Andy JW
Posted: April 19th, 2014, 4:44pm Report to Moderator
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I like the concept but I think it could benefit by having a slower build up and more subtle approach.

Maybe it could take a bit longer to realise he's a bad guy. I would let up on Mae's constant use of Frank's name. I know you're employing it as a tool to convey passive-aggression, but I think you should hold off on it until the end when she has him right where she wants him.

I enjoyed the read and the fact that this could be produced for next-to-nothing definitely doesn't hurt your chances of someone picking it up!
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 20th, 2014, 5:17am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Andy - appreciate the comments, I'll have a look at the build up an see if there's a different way in.
Thanks Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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LC
Posted: April 20th, 2014, 9:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Anthony, and welcome to SS.

SPOILERS FOLLOW:

Starting at the top, I'm not sure the audience is going to know it's a nurse's uniform unless Mum is actually wearing it. And, this would be a better visual imh. And, it would do away with the redundant and plodding 'typical family hallway'. Getting straight to the 'visual' is a good idea, given the medium is film.

I also suggest you do away with: 'Katy's, Mrs Green's Sarah's and Mr Dent's' just have her going to a friend's place would do the trick... and then obviously, she does the complete opposite.

Your actual writing is reading a little too passive i.e., you don't need 'stoops and... ' - 'plants a kiss or kisses her daughter' is fine.

Likewise: Be active i.e., use active verbs to describe both your dialogue and actions:

'Frank pitches forward and finds himself falling onto the
sofa.'

'pitches forward, falls to the floor/falls onto the couch' will suffice. Write what your audience will actually see on screen.

'They’ll just think an old man died
in his sleep.'


Hmm, I'm not sure this would fly. I'm pretty sure post-mortem techniques can easily tell if someone has been suffocated. I think you're going to have to be a little more ingenious or leave that bit out altogether, and ramp up Mae's character i.e.,

They're unlikely to believe a kid would murder... and I think if you develop her character more this would be far more creepy.

I didn't scan carefully for typos, but noticed:'Frank is lo longer' - 'no longer'.

Overall the dialogue throughout needs quite a bit of tweaking as it reads a little awkwardly and repetitive in places.

Right, I'll stop with the fine detail and just say you have managed nicely a creepy vibe with this one but then you unfortunately manage to kill it with it all being too convenient.

It's just all too easy for young Mae to carry out her plan unimpeded. And, at no time am I worried that Mae is ever in any danger from Frank.

Imh, you need to set that up first and then have her turn the tables on him. I think that's what you're going for, isn't it? Also, I think it'd be more effective if Mae was a little younger than 12-13 (btw just choose one age), or if she is this old - make her a little more sophisticated. At the moment her dialogue reads a lot younger... at least to me.

Like I said at the moment your setup is a little too contrived and convenient with Frank, especially the 'tea' scene which is the crux of your whole plot.

'That’s ok, I want to help the
school as much as possible.'


What if he hadn't suggested tea? What if she suggested it and he didn't want it? What was going to happen if her plan didn't work? Did she have another plan?

This is a solid premise and I encourage you to develop it, but you need to be far more inventive imh. Have a look at some clips on youtube for two movies in particular (regarding character) to give you inspiration:

'The Little Girl Who Lived Down the Lane'. & 'The Bad Seed'

Oh, and a tip - Anthony, read a few 'shorts' from the regulars and give feedback, and they'll respond in kind.

Very much looking forward to reading another draft.



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AnthonyCawood
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Thanks LC - really apreciate the great feedback and thanks for taking the time to go through the script and providing such a great level of constructive criticsm.

I will be ruminating and re-writing over next week or so to try and reflect some of these comments.

Re providing feedback for others/regulars... would love to but feel a little unqualified, I 've not been writing that long and have had nothing prodced yet (thought a couple are in pre). Maybe when I'm not quite so green!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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LC
Posted: April 21st, 2014, 11:53pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AnthonyCawood
Re providing feedback for others/regulars... would love to but feel a little unqualified, I 've not been writing that long and have had nothing prodced yet (thought a couple are in pre). Maybe when I'm not quite so green!


No professional credentials required, Anthony. If you're into writing and film you're more than qualified to give feedback on a script.

Just give your gut response re story, what works for you and what doesn't. Most people will thank you for the read and for your opinion.



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rendevous
Posted: April 22nd, 2014, 12:35am Report to Moderator
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Professional credentials? I think I had a problem with that once. Thankfully it cleared up. Just had to rub it with cream every now and again.

As LC says just read other scripts and tell them what you think.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 22nd, 2014, 1:25am Report to Moderator
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Ok - will do!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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AnthonyCawood
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May be on a roll... after 'A Face in the Crowd's competiton placing yesterday I've just had an email to say that a NY production company want to buy this for an upcoming webseries.

I'm now going to buy a lottery ticket or two

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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DS
Posted: September 1st, 2014, 3:58pm Report to Moderator
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Looks like someone's having a good week. Congratulations!

- DS
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TonyDionisio
Posted: September 1st, 2014, 4:46pm Report to Moderator
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Nice,
Go hit the casino and let it ride on black.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: September 2nd, 2014, 1:16am Report to Moderator
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Nice work Anthony. I haven't had anything produced yet either. Close with a couple of things (aside from my own), got a short and a feature in dev. A student was also supposed to have made The Final Loneliness, but I'm not sure that students count.
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AnthonyCawood
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Thanks all... thought I'd got another one today but turns out they want to make something I've already sold ;-(


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Colkurtz8
Posted: September 9th, 2014, 7:08am Report to Moderator
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Anthony

“MUM (30s) watches as MAE (12-13)”

- Is this the same Mae from “Father, Come Quick”?

“Mae passes Fank”

- Missing an “r” in “Frank”

“He turns the key in the lock and puts the chain on the latch
before following Mae.”

- Eek, all the signs suggest darkness afoot, it’s not looking good for Mae…

FRANK
Milky and four sugars, please Mae.
Give me a shout if you need a hand.

- Sh?t, that’s a lot of sugar.

Interesting twist with Mae becoming the hunter as opposed to the hunted, kinda reminded me of the turn in Hard Candy when, who you think is the victim turns out to be the one you should fear. I wonder though could you set it up some way at the beginning a clue or hint which only makes sense when Mae executes her plan of spiking Frank’s drink.  As its stands, it feels a bit random and contrived. An all innocent girl goes out to do good deeds for school, disobeys mother and comes across creepy old man. She drugs him while revealing, solely through dialogue, that kids have been going missing, she has been watching Frank and is now exacting revenge. It’s all just told to us thus it feels like we are only getting part of the story in which the bulk has happened before the script’s events.  As a result, its unsatisfactory.

I had a similar thing with a short of mine some time ago which took place in one house featuring a big confrontation over a bad deed just committed…but was essentially a lot of telling of events that had happened prior and culminated in what was going on in the short now. In other words, I was basically depicting the end of a bigger story. I was never happy with it and a couple of years after when re-reading it struck me to develop all this back-story into a script which would conclude with the short I had written.

I think that parallels with a lot of how I feel about this. There is the seed of a decent script here, the idea of a sweet mid teen girl getting revenge on a pedophile murderer of her school friends is an intriguing premise, especially if you can find a way to withhold that revelation until it’s happening on screen…but not when we’re only getting the final act of it. And I appreciate one method of withholding the twist is by telling it the way you have here but I think you can do better, this is sort of a short cut way to shock the reader with an unexpected surprise.

Personally, I felt too “dropped in” on the story without any context so it’s hard to be invested in it, everything comes across as too set up in order for this dramatic scenario to unfold, you know. As I said, the motivations are already there, you got a clear good vs. evil narrative with the somewhat unique touch of a young girl as protagonist taking on a very adult situation. It’s definitely worth expanding, in my opinion.

Col.


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LeeOConnor
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Hi Anthony,

Nice short and a little strange, but in a good way.

I don't think this sentence is needed though "On the coat pegs are coats, cardigans, a couple of hats, and nurses uniform."

Other than a few typos you have this one down to a T.

Lee
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AnthonyCawood
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Howard/Lee

Many thanks for the reads, appreciated as always...

Howard - No it's not the same Mae... my daughter's middle name is Mae and I seem to keep using it

Love Hard Candy, great taught script and awesome film - but not technically an influence on this as I wrote it as a short story 15 years ago, then adapted recently... though I'm sure some of the tone leached through.

Reveal through dialogue, yeah agree kinda... but, and I wrestled with it, I wanted it to look like he's the predator and she's at risk. I couldn't work out a way of showing that without giving it away. So agree it's a bit of a drop in but I think it makes sense as it unravels... hopefully anyway.

Lee - glad you liked and hopefully i've since tidied up the typos...

Created an 'Americanised' version of the script at the weekend which is now with the New York producer who bought it for his web series... looking forward to seeing what they do with it.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Abe from LA
Posted: September 10th, 2014, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

This is an intriguing short and certainly a different take on the subject matter.
Libby touched on a lot of key points, so I'll reemphasize the areas that could use reworking.

SPOILERS **

Mae seems younger than her given age.  

You're setting Mae up as the predator from start to finish — tipping her hand. Libby mentioned "turning the tables," which would allow Mae to seem like a victim falling into the pedophile's trap.
That would create a sense of danger and dread.
Once caught, she springs her surprise — victim turns aggressor.
Col mentioned "Hard Candy," and that's a good film to see how this setup works.

As your story unfolds, we never see the pedophile in action. You gives us no visual reason to hate this guy. He's a victim from the outset. Consider finding a way for Mae to draw Frank out of his safe haven. I'd like to see how he targets Mae and lures her back to his lair.

Frank is described as a wild-haired, disheveled guy in his 60s. All through the story, I never got a sense of his physical menace. He seems kind of broken down and pathetic.  I kind of felt sorry for him. And why is he masturbating before tea? Is that his brand of foreplay? He seems like a feeble, horny old man in a nursing home, ha ha.

Mae seems exceptionally adept at murder.  She eases into the role of killer without a stumble. Is that your intent? Mae could be a junior female version of "Dexter." That would be interesting.

If you want to create drama and tension, show us how nervous Mae is in executing her plan. To plan the deed is easier than to execute it. A zillion things can go wrong once Mae is inside of Frank's house. As Libby mentioned, what if Frank doesn't want tea. Her plan works only if Frank takes the sedative.

Your job is to create obstacles, what if moments. If something can go wrong, it should. You have a wonderfully scary situation here: a young girl locked inside of a murderous pedophile's domain. Give us some thrills before Mae sacks the bastard.

I too thought that Mae should have a Plan B if the sedative angle goes awry. But being a kid, maybe Mae is not thinking logically. But if you want a Plan B, or an alternate Plan A, maybe Mae has a confidant. Her BFF who might be waiting outside, with her phone ready to call 911.  In reality, it's hard to image a young girl concocting such a devious plan  by herself — unless her name is Rhonda (Bad Seed).
Just a thought. I'm okay without a Plan B given Mae's age and all.

On the surface this seems like a revenge tale. But the way the story ends, Mae's seeming glee at offing Frank has me thinking it's not really about avenging a schoolmate's death. It seems to be about opportunity. She kills a scumbag that doesn't deserve to live. This goes back to the similarities with Dexter.

Although your story needs work, I think you're on to something. The script travels a similar path to a story line I've been mulling over for a while. So, I'm interested in seeing what you come up with on a rewrite.  Nice work at this stage of your writing career. Good luck.

— Abe

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AnthonyCawood
Posted: September 10th, 2014, 6:41pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Abe and many thanks for the read, really appreciated.

Recently sold this script to a producer in NY who wants to use it as part of a webseries... will bear your comments in mind as I work on any amends for him.

Cheers

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 23rd, 2015, 3:45pm Report to Moderator
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Bit redundant now, but I enjoyed this Anthony.

Had a read through the reviews and would just say that I agree with everything Libby said in her outstanding response....but they're easy enough fixes.

Good stuff.
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RichardR
Posted: January 24th, 2015, 10:03am Report to Moderator
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Anthony

Bad comments are like little murders.  Good ones are smiles.  Pick your poison.

Overall, this is a nice tale.  But it begs the question of why Mae had to take matters into her own hands.  In our world she would have been taught over and over that the authorities would handle frank. What forces her hand?  And she possesses knowledge about frank how?  Many people would have seen him hanging around the school, no?  Mae would have informed the police, right?  

It's not that Mae can't take matters into her own hands.  It's that it is her first idea, not her last. After all, she becomes a murderess without much care or remorse.  To make her sympathetic she should try to obey the law first?  Otherwise, she's no better than frank.

Best
Richard
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 24th, 2015, 10:19am Report to Moderator
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True, but that's quite scary in itself, isn't it?

Which is good for a horror.

It's actually almost the horror standard that the protagonist has to face a monster and become a bigger monster in order to win. That's probably 99% of horror films summed up in one line.


Sidenote: I think there's a peculiarly American obsession with sympathetic characters. The rest of us don't really care so much whether they are sympathetic or not....just so long as they are interesting. Probably a cultural thing.
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AnthonyCawood
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Rich/Scar

Thanks for the reads, really appreciated.

Rich, yes she could have gone to the authorities, but she chose to take matters into her own hands, why... well it's a short and I like it to be a little ambiguous, as per Scar's comment - that can be scarier...

Hard Candy follows the same line, my 'hero' is just younger, so I want the audience to be conflicted at the end, I don't want Mae to just get a ass cos she's young.

That's what I was going for anyway... can't wait to see what it comes out like when it's filmed at some point this year.

Cheers

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Iancou
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Anthony,

Good one. Fix the few typos, tighten it up in the places already mentioned, and I don't see why you shouldn't start getting inquiries to shoot. Keep us posted if it does get shot. I'd like to see it.

Ian


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AnthonyCawood
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Thanks Ian

This one has been sold to Bruce Lucas Films and will form part of a web series he's producing. It's due to shoot in NY sometime in the spring.
I'm looking forward to seeing how it turns out.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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AnthonyCawood
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;-(

Twisted Smile is available again after the web series fell apart...

I do get to keep the cash though



Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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TonyDionisio
Posted: June 13th, 2015, 5:12am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AnthonyCawood
;-(

Twisted Smile is available again after the web series fell apart...

I do get to keep the cash though



Sucks to hear that. Cash is king, however.
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Warren
Posted: June 13th, 2016, 12:35am Report to Moderator
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This was a good little read. I to found myself drawing similarities to Hard Candy but that's not a bad thing because I love that movie.

As mentioned there are a few typos to tidy up but I think all of them have been mentioned in previous comments. Looking at the date of the last post I imagine they have been fixed up a long time ago.

Would have enjoyed seeing this developed into a web series.


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AnthonyCawood
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Twisted Smile has been picked up (again), to feature in a Horror anthology along with another of my scripts... fingers crossed it happens this time!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Warren
Posted: June 11th, 2018, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats Anthony. Keep us posted.


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