Anthony
First off, I’ve read a couple of scripts from you on here lately and I’m happy to say that there seems to be progression on this one from a technical standpoint. It’s more concise and clear, less awkward phrasing so kudos on that.
The dialogue too, in comparison to “Above The Fog” for example, reads much more natural and realistic...and then I realised you posted this before that so I dunno.
This reads better anyway, in my opinion.
I like the central concept too of the AI endowed fridge with wifi capability. Possible not too far off in the future or is there already one on the market? Nothing surprises anymore.
MARY
Ok, ok, sorry too.
- Do we need “too” at the end?
“Mary is purring louder than Alf.”
- This made me laugh.
“Oh yes, but they are wrong again,
there’s four bags this time”
- Missing Mary’s name on top.
“Mary leaves the bags on the floor and starts immediately on
the doughnuts.”
- Ok, it seems like the donuts and Mary’s willpower is becoming the focus of the story so I wonder could you show more struggle. In other words, some body language to suggest a degree of guilt on her part. The first time, fair enough, they got the order wrong she gets two bags instead of two donuts, gives into the urges and eats them all, we’ve all done it
The second time when it’s four bags, we should see her wrestle with her appetite and conscious. Something tells me that Alf is intentionally screwing up her order to test her resistance, the title suggests this too so I’d like to see some reaction and fight on Mary’s part.
Instead, after she repeatedly tries to convince herself and Alf that she doesn’t want anymore, she just drops her shopping and tucks into them without any remorse as the quoted line above states. This indicates little progress in the character and it becomes just a repeat of the previous scene with the two bags of donuts.
MARY
Yes, it’s the fucking doughnuts!
Where are they you supercilious
automaton!
- I love the phrase “supercilious automaton” it reads great but I wonder would it work as well on screen within this piece? It seems to come out of nowhere, out of sync with the script’s language up to now. It’s like something from a Victorian novel or the mouth of a Coen Brothers’ character.
ALF
Yes, when I asked if you wanted the
last ones sending back and you said
“Sending” should be “sent”
- This ties in to what I was saying about Mary’s apparent lack of will power or even acknowledgement of it. Can she be so schizo in that after mistakenly getting the four bags and saying she doesn’t want anymore that she’d go lose her sh?t like that when there is none delivered the next time?
I mean, is she that blatantly contradictory? Maybe it’s because she lives alone, has no one to answer to so she’s afforded these lapses of reason by herself. I wonder is she losing her mind considering she’s that delusional. Or is the fact that Alf is only a machine she thinks can say what she wants and get away with it without repercussions…? Although his voice playback function undermines that.
Either way, it’s difficult to discern how stable minded Mary is as we don’t really get an insight into her.
I like the seemingly benign, always-at-your-beck-and-call nature of Alf. It reminds me a lot of HAL from 2001: and Gerty from Moon. You just get the feeling that behind the friendly, submissive exterior lurks something darker, covertly manipulative maybe.
Mary’s pigging out is reminiscent of the first murder in Seven too, although your character does it all too willingly. Nicely disturbing image though of her blue lipped, bloated corpse on the floor complete with donut remnants protruding from mouth!
It’s hard to tell by the end if Alf is actually a well meaning fridge freezer or did he intentionally lead Mary along by her gluttony and exploit that weakness. I detect a commentary underneath in regards our own insatiable hunger as a race, whether it be food, technology, comforts or otherwise, it’s an interesting angle to explore.
However, as I said already, I wanted to get more from Mary’s character, I wanted to see her struggle, wrestle, whatever with her temptations. She falls for them all to easily in my opinion...each time. I think you could inject some tension there between woman and machine, a less straightforward arc, you know. Even partial realisation from Mary, maybe she fights back, doesn’t succumb to her urges until Alf presents a new dangled carrot i.e. iced donuts or some other item of shopping that’s equally appealing and unhealthy which Mary can’t deny. As it stands, she falls right into the trap (if it is indeed one set by the inscrutable Alf!) again and again…and then she dies, game over. I know you probably want to say something about her (and our) nature with this but I think some development and nuance in the Mary character would go a long way to strengthening it.
Anyway, big improvement on the writing front and a cool main idea, well done.
Col.
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