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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Love Locked - bought Moderators: bert
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  Author    Love Locked - bought  (currently 2264 views)
Don
Posted: May 14th, 2014, 4:36pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Love Locked by Anthony Cawood - Short, Thriller, Dark Thriller - Susie spots the very first 'love lock' attached to the bridge and becomes obsessed with finding out who put it there. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  April 4th, 2017, 10:37pm
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 16th, 2014, 7:38am Report to Moderator
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For anyone thinking of reading... it's not a love story honest!!!

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Nathan Hill
Posted: May 16th, 2014, 9:16am Report to Moderator
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Took a read of this, and here are my opinions.

I liked the formatting at some points, other points it got confusing and hard to read.

Story: I'm sorry but I have no love for this story, the characters Sam and Susie were two VERY un-likeable people. I hated everything they said, just felt forced and cheesy.

The whole thing didn't interest me I guess, some sort of serial killer flick that I most likely didn't understand. BUT it was unique, maybe make the characters more likeable, instead of being annoying teens. Good idea but I just didn't like the story or characters.

MY OPINION. I'm sure this works with some people, keep trying at it, mate! I'm definitely not a screen writing master myself haha.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 16th, 2014, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Nathan.

Thanks for taking the time to read the script, will look at thr formating to make sure the differing scenes and timelines are clearer.

Regarding the characters... well at least one of them is definitely not meant to be likeable He's written that way to juxtapose why she finds the love gesture so intriguing... and if I managed to make you think 'annoying teens' then it was close for what I was going for.

I'll be collating the feedback all together and using it for a next draft, so thanks again.

Happy to return the favour on one of yours at some point, none of us are masters yet, but this community can certainly help us all,

Thanks

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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RegularJohn
Posted: May 16th, 2014, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Anthony.

You checked out my script so here to return the favor.

I agree with Nathan as far as your characters are concerned.  I know from your reply to his comment that you were aiming at a pair of annoying teens but that shouldn't suggest that they not be interesting.  I remember reading a piece of advice like:  a story can get by with a dull plot and interesting characters but never the other way around.  Annoying characters...sure but don't make them dull.

Sam clearly doesn't care about the locks but still gets dragged to them anyway.  The first time sure, the second time I can buy but I would think that he, being a d*ck, would simply dodge the trip all together.

I don't really think you need the supers to illustrate the passage of time.  A fresh message on a shiny padlock already suggests that the lock was fairly recent.  Susie also says that it's been the third on in a week or so.

I also didn't care much for the scenes where we saw the hands of the man making the padlocks.  Personal preference but things like that are better left up to mystery.  The scenes with the hands between Susie's trips are fine but not having them and her coming up on a second and third lock makes for a better flow IMO.  Hard to explain but the air of mystery surrounding it would be better if those little scenes were cut out.

"Stream of people becomes a trickle, then stops."  I don't know what this means.  You've used it twice so there must be a reason for this oddly constructed phrase.

I can see what Nathan means with the formatting.  The reason I think it's so hard to follow is because you're taking too much control on how you feel it should be shot.  It's tough but you need to have faith in whoever directs this thing as well as your reader.  If you feel that a particular shot or P.O.V. MUST be taken than go ahead and do it.  Otherwise, take it out.

I also recommend that you really utilize your sluglines.  Slugs are an awesome way of guiding your audience around so that we don't get lost.  Take for example the bridge scene.  There are quite a few places on a bridge that you could include such as:

EXT. BRIDGE - NORTH END - NIGHT
EXT. BRIDGE - CENTER - NIGHT
EXT. BRIDGE - DRIED RIVER BED - NIGHT

They can get a bit long but I'm sure that the reader will forgive you for the sake of clarity.

All in all I like the idea behind this one but I feel that you chose the wrong couple to follow.  A love struck teenager in this particular situation does well but all the banter and idle conversation swelled the read and diluted the impact that this story could have had.  Hoped this helped.  Take care.

-Johnny


A read for a read makes the whole world...better at reading.  PM me for a read.

Ring Finger
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stevemiles
Posted: May 17th, 2014, 5:11am Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

I do think there’s something to the idea, though it’s not quite there for me yet execution wise.  There’s a decent sense of irony at play.  Susie seeing a certain romance in the ‘love locks’ when in fact they represent something far darker -- it’s a kind of ‘curiosity killed the cat’ outcome.

Can’t say I felt much for either character.  Both felt pretty flat through their dialogue exchanges.  Sam’s a useful stooge for Susie to sound out her intentions, but I’d think about ditching their relationship angle (which is a dead end) in favour of building her interest as to who is responsible for the padlocks.

Susie herself doesn’t come across so much as obsessed than just curious which makes her decision to stake out the bridge seem somewhat forced.

Writing wise there’s a few instances where your orphan lines could be avoided:

‘Male hands attach an everyday padlock to the railings of a
bridge.’

-- could be

‘Hands attach a padlock to the railings of a bridge.’

-- or even

Gnarled hands attach a padlock to a railing.

Look at every sentence with an orphan and figure out if you can re-write it.  

P.7 -- Not sure what (or who’s) POV we’re seeing here as you transition straight to a FAST FORWARD -- which I’d avoid using.  There’s better ways to present a passing of time and show Susie watching.

With a bit of work I think this could be an effective short -- a pretty simple one to film too.  I do like how the whole ‘love locks’ become a kind of local ‘thing’ totally obscuring what they really mean.

Hope this helps. Keep at it!

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here:


http://www.sjmilesscripts.webs.com
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Dustin
Posted: May 17th, 2014, 6:55am Report to Moderator
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Not sure what people are talking about with the likeable character thing. It tells a story. There doesn't have to be arcs or any of that stuff in a short.

Another decent short from you Anthony. Nice and easy to film aside from the cages large enough to fit a person. I'd just switch that out for a locked room. Maybe treat bits of the dialogue here and there but, to be honest, decent actors will read dialogue the way they believe it should be read anyway. Scripts are merely a blueprint.

Well done mate. I can see a student picking this one up.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 17th, 2014, 8:35am Report to Moderator
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Always good to get a few different perspectives, obviously think Dustin is right as always

John - good points re POV, and slugs will look to revise... not sure re Supers... had the opposite feedback from wonkavite who suggested they'd help establish the timeline... stream becoming a trickle - meant to signify that the flow of other pedestrians reduces, will have another look.

Steve - Good point re Susie's obsession, will take a look. Thanks for the pointers re Orphans, will review them some more. Re fast forward and time passing, will have another look - any specific ideas or thoughts about where you've ssen it done where elsewhere?

Dustin - Thanks for the comments, will re-consider the cage for something more pragmatic and re-read/review the dialogue too.

Again thanks to all for taking the time to read and comment - always appreciated.

Thanks

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Dustin
Posted: May 17th, 2014, 8:46am Report to Moderator
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I didn't mean for you to change it. For story purposes it works better as the cage.

Different people will have different takes on it. For all you know there may be somebody out there with access to cages large enough, and strong enough to hold a person. Maybe even an old jail somewhere. You never know what people can get access to.

Your story will be twisted around whatever the producer's limits are. Students are quite lucky as they usually have the backing of their university so can be surprising with what they pull off.

Still though, you're selling a story... and a cage is darker, more malicious than a locked room, so I'd keep the cages. Leave the producer to figure out the rest.
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RegularJohn
Posted: May 17th, 2014, 1:38pm Report to Moderator
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I hear ya about the establishing a time line through supers, Anthony.  The thing is that the way you have it written, it was easy to follow without the supers.  The dialogue, the condition of the paint on the locks, the timeline was easy to read.  I would use supers to establish time if precision was vital to the story and there wasn't an easy way to illustrate a specific time without blatantly stating it through some kind of exposition but just my opinion.  Good luck.


A read for a read makes the whole world...better at reading.  PM me for a read.

Ring Finger
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 17th, 2014, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Dustin. John

I guess I'll leave both for now and see what (fingers crossed) develops.

Thanks again for the feedback.

Thanks

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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LC
Posted: May 18th, 2014, 2:10am Report to Moderator
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Hi Anthony.
First of yours I've read, I think.

A few tech details to start. Ignore them if you so choose.

You don't seem overly fond of apostrophes. FYI:

'pain's unbearable' - insert apostrophe.
'other's waists'  apostrophe.

I get it fits with Susie's dialogue to follow - but enigmatic would tech. be fine without the 'look'.

'Padlocks being added' instead of 'been'

Your spacing between scenes appears a bit out i.e., between the scene ending: 'Soon they are out of sight' and between INT. SMALL WORKSHOP and EXT. BRIDGE, AFTERNOON - and I'd personally go for a dash instead of a comma for the latter heading.

Why the incomplete slugs? It's not like they're one location i.e., mini slugs. Doesn't read clean to me.

'Two don't make anything a thing' - I like this dialogue, speaks to character so well done there. And 'who prodded you with the sulky stick'

Contrary to some other opinions I think you've worked the two characters nicely. Sam's not a dick imh, he's a typical young guy with a bit of edge. He takes the walk with Susie over and over proving his dedication and the passionate kiss backs it up even if he is a little gauche. That's what guys like this are supposed to be. If characters are too vanilla they're boring.  Susie is the sweet, romantic, naive foil to Sam's character. I think you've done that nicely and would advise not changing it.

Oh dear, poor Susie.

Nice transition to nasty Anthony. I didn't see it coming. Takes a dark turn. I think I like it.

Libby

P.S. Just wanted to add something. Thinking about your script the padlocks, though quirky, could spell the end for your perp. considering they're solid evidence. I'd think of some other quirky trademark that couldn't easily lead to his downfall. Just a thought.

Oh, and all the talk about cages to fit people made me think of the novel Alex by Pierre Lemaitre. I know it's off topic a little, but it's one hell of a read and not for the faint of heart.



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LC  -  May 18th, 2014, 4:58am
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 18th, 2014, 7:59am Report to Moderator
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Hi Libby and many thanks for the read, much appreciated.

Punctuation and grammar - many thanks will go back over and pay more attention... my grammar is getting better but it's still not my natural strong point!

Spacing, will have a look, not sure if I've hit enter too frequently or CeltX has 'helped' with some additional... will tidy up.

Slugs - will improve these, I think I was chopping an changing stuff around and have some poor ones hanging around.

And thanks re characters, I thought i'd written them with enough authenticity but difficult to judge sometimes!

Glad you liked the dark turn, and didn't see it coming... re padlocks... well I wanted to pick up on the relatively recent phenomenon (and I'd just added my own padlock to a bridge in Venice) but I wanted to take it to a darker place... done straight romance recently.

Not heard of Alex - will have a look and thanks for the tip.

Again thanks for reading and the feedback

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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stevemiles
Posted: May 18th, 2014, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

you could show the passing of time during the stake-out a number of ways.  Something as simple as showing Susie watching people pass on the bridge in daylight to inserting a LATER followed by same thing only now no people pass and it’s grown dark.  Perhaps give her an activity -- using her phone in some way could allow you to sneak in the time.  That or food.  Show her with a full bag of ‘something’ cut to later and it’s empty.  World’s your oyster.

Not that it can't work as written.  I’d just keep it simple for clarity.

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here:


http://www.sjmilesscripts.webs.com
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LeeOConnor
Posted: June 8th, 2014, 10:52am Report to Moderator
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Hi Anthony,

Personally I liked the script and how simple of a story it was.

I also like the character's who have created, the way they clash over this romantic gesture.

I personally hated Sam through this whole short, which of course was your angle here, but I obviously knew something was eventually going to happen to Susie but was kind of gutted when nothing happened to Sam.

Maybe a bit at the end where we see Sam looking at the padlock? Like the phrase "You don't what you had till you lost it" kinda thing.

But I for one liked it.
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