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Hey Anthony - I think this is the first of yours that I've read? Nice idea here & it works well. Execution IMO is off.
They continue to walk, arms round each others waists - up the slope of the bridge. They continue to walk, arms round each other's waists, up the slope of the bridge.
Susie spots the solitary padlock glinting in the sun. -- This isn't really a 'script' sentence, as it's not visual:
A solitary padlock glints in the sun. SUSIE (pointing) Hey, what’s that? -- and your wrylie should really indicate the manner in which something is said if there is likely to be any confusion - Susie pointing is an action, so belongs in an action line.
Susie breaks away from Sam and goes for a closer look. Susie squats and looks at the solitary padlock. She gently tugs on it - locked. --No need to repeat Susie on the second line, and the third line could just do with a conjunction, making two lines in total.
INT. SMALL WORKSHOP -- quite a few of your slugs are here 'n' there: INT. SMALL WORKSHOP - DAY (or NIGHT) does the job.
FAST FORWARD --you use this a bit & I've not seen it before. If it is a fast-forward, you've formatted it as a transition, and it's a special effect, so needs re-doing accordingly.
So-- in total, script-wise, was a bit of a crash, but you seem to have a bit of an eye for a story which worked well - some nice twists in there, and I felt it was engaging -- no doubt it needs tweaking here and there, but it's certainly worth working on.
I agree with Libby that you don't need to change your characters. Their age is right for the story (only a teenage girl e.g. would be so fascinated by this sort of mystery) and their tiffs and immature ways are "right" for their age. They also talk to and text each other like actual teenagers - good job with that (although the dialogue does fall a little flat at times).
One thing I'm not sure of is whether the man had known Susie before the fatal night. He did know her initials, right? Also, despite the dark, it is hard to believe that no one noticed him hitting and dragging her from the bridge. What if Susie had followed him to a more isolated spot before he attacked her?
Finally, I can accept that Susie was curious, but lovestruck? Not so sure about this. I doubt if a female of any age would find romantic a man who expessed his love for a different woman every week.
A nice and well-written script though, I enjoyed reading it.
Susie spots the solitary padlock glinting in the sun. -- This isn't really a 'script' sentence, as it's not visual:
A solitary padlock glints in the sun. SUSIE (pointing) Hey, what’s that? -- and your wrylie should really indicate the manner in which something is said if there is likely to be any confusion - Susie pointing is an action, so belongs in an action line.
I think those two examples give different visuals entirely. The way Anthony has written it she spots the padlock before we see the padlock. So the camera shows her spot something (actors can do that) and then it cuts to the padlock.
The way you've written it, we see the padlock first and then Susie points at it.
Forgive - thanks for all the fomatting tips, still learning so these are really appreciated. Will have a scan bac through. Glad you liked the story overall though.
Athenian - Glad you liked the script, re did he know her initials already - no I figured she'd have a purse, credit cards etc. Re attacking on the bridge, I wanted it to be here to continue as the focal point of the script - and it's why I had the other pedestrians disappear over time.
Dustin/Forgive - Thanks, will re format that sequence.
I don't believe that I have read any of your work before, so I wasn't sure what would greet me going into the read.
But I was pleasantly surprised. For the most part, I though this was a pretty decent little script, my friend. I thought the ending worked very well. Solid stuff.
Not sure if Sam is male or female? OK, he's a definitely male. The last two times I have seen a character named Sam in a script, they were female (damn script writers using unisex names). I think the main confusion for me came with their descriptions: SAM - "all hair, piercings and attitude" / SUSIE - "same age, more hair but less attitude." As you are directly comparing their appearances, I guess I just made the initial connection that their appearances were alike. My mistake!
Page 6- "Sam, why don’t you just fuck off and die!" - I would seriously consider scrapping this, because Susie is coming across as a really unlikeable person here. Not just that, but it was really over the top.
Quoted from DustinBowcot
Not sure what people are talking about with the likeable character thing. It tells a story. There doesn't have to be arcs or any of that stuff in a short.
I agree 100%. Normally, when arcs are included in shorts, they feel super forced because you need a lot more than ten pages to really flesh out arcs satisfyingly. And who cares if the character is unlikeable or not? I sure as hell don't. As long as this choice is justified in terms of the story you are telling, that's fine by me.
However, I personally feel that the ending would have packed a far stronger punch if we truly liked Susie because we, as audience members, hate seeing bad things happen to the characters we like. When bad things happen to characters we feel indifferent about, our emotional response to this is one of indifference.
Page 7 - "Stream of people becomes a trickle, then stops." - No idea what is happening here...?
As I said at the start, I thought the ending worked well. However, I can't help thinking that it did not pack as much of an ironical punch as it could have. So how could you improve this aspect...? Hmmmm. Not really sure! Looks like I'm going to be one of those super annoying reviewers who identifies a weakness but doesn't really have a suggestion for an improvement! But Susie is convinced this is a romantic gesture; Sam isn't. Maybe you could ramp up these arguments a bit more... maybe Sam claims this is more of a creepy gesture. And Susie gets annoyed with him, wishing that he was as romantic as PC. Maybe when they have an argument, Susie says something like "I bet PC wouldn't treat his girlfriend like this." Just some ideas! But I feel something like this could further bolster the irony of the ending.
Also, does PC always get his victims on the bridge, or was this just an opportunity he could not refuse? I'm guessing it was the latter, because the padlocks started with - I presume - his first victim?
Anyway, solid stuff here, Anthony. It still needs some work to bring the idea up to its full potential, but good work nonetheless.
Hey Toby - many thanks for the read and glad you liked.
Just f*** off and die - i'd seen as said in an exasperated/frustrated way but can see how this could be misconstrued.
Stream of people, I meant a steady stream of people crossing the bridge, slows to a trickle of people as it gets later into the night, before finally stopping leaving no one crossing the bridge. Will try re-word to make this clearer.
PC and his victims, intentionally enigmatic, viewer can read into it that he takes them on the bridge but I don;t think this needs to be spelled out.
Thanks for the great suggestions and again, really please it worked for you in the main.
Another solid entry from you. Well done. So you labeled this a thriller but the problem for me is that it doesn't really feel like one until we get towards the end of the story. I get the mystery behind the initials on the padlock but for the majority of the story it's about Susie coming off like a hopeless romantic. Not a bad way to go but the story itself lacks tension throughout. Adding little things here and there goes a long way. Maybe Sam can question why PC doesn't take down the old padlock if he's already moved on to the next girl? Or why does the guy choose to write in red every time? Or why does he place the padlocks here on the bridge? It's questions like that that could get the reader thinking something bad could be happening at the same time Susie is downplaying the situation by thinking the guy is being romantic. Just a thought.
Anyways, great job once again and best of luck on future projects!
That's the trick though... the viewer is meant to be lulled into a false belief that the padlocks are there for romantic purposes. That's good story-telling in my opinion.
Dustin is right on this one, I want a twist that isn't too telegraphed, though I think there's some clues with the fact that the unseen man creates the padlock in a workshop with tools, hammer etc - i.e. not with the object of his affection as a shared experience.
But it could be amped up a bit depending on the directors needs with elements such as the one you suggest.
Love Locked, has been bought by RWH Productions in the UK, they hope to film in the next couple of months. Look forward to seeing what they do with it!
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