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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  To the Edge with Mr. Pembry Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 23rd, 2014, 5:05pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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To the Edge with Mr. Pembry by Ben Kelley - Short, Thriller - A man gets in his car to go to work and it doesn't start... So he snaps. 9 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  August 8th, 2014, 1:30pm
revised draft
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JimiLamp
Posted: July 23rd, 2014, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Ben, nice job with this. Writing is pretty solid. Good pace. Got hooked right away and wanted to see where it was going. Had a bit of a "Falling Down" vibe. Love that movie. Also liked how you ended it. Was hoping it was going the suicide route or f-it, shoot out with the cops. Also thought the beginning was kind of funny. Thought the subtle tonal shifts worked well. If that was something you were going for.

Only gripes I had was the use of Series of shots. Not a huge deal, just thought you could do without them. And the "Matrix" reference. It took me out of the story for a split second.

Overall, Nice job. Enjoyed the read.
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JimiLamp
Posted: July 23rd, 2014, 6:35pm Report to Moderator
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*Was hoping it WASN'T going the suicide route or f-it, shoot out with the cops.
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BenKelley
Posted: July 24th, 2014, 8:00am Report to Moderator
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Hi Jimi,

Thanks for your comments.  

The SERIES OF SHOTS are meant to be quick cuts, so we don't have to wait for him to walk across the room, just keep rolling.  

And the little Matrix reference was just meant to get a chuckle out of the reader before the emotional last scene that follows.  That's definitely something I might take out.  


TO THE EDGE WITH MR. PEMBRY (Short - 8 pages)
HYPNOTIZING TO GET AHEAD  (Thriller - 109 pages)
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BenKelley
Posted: July 24th, 2014, 8:05am Report to Moderator
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My favorite aspect of this story is that Mr. Pembry never says a word.


TO THE EDGE WITH MR. PEMBRY (Short - 8 pages)
HYPNOTIZING TO GET AHEAD  (Thriller - 109 pages)
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BenKelley
Posted: July 25th, 2014, 7:34am Report to Moderator
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Some info for whatever it's worth:

TIME TO SHOOT
It’ll probably take three shooting days:
1)     The Pembry House (INTs and EXTs)
2)     The upscale neighborhood, the big house
3)     The woods, the swamp

There are many opportunities to open things up cinematically.  The script doesn’t have a lot of talking in it; it’s meant to be mostly visual.

THE CAST
There are four roles, MR. PEMBRY, MRS. PEMBRY, OFFICER CONRAD, and YOUNG WOMAN.  Both Mr. Pembry and the Young Woman never speak.

RAMPAGE SEQUENCE
The biggest concern is how to approach the sequence where he’s doing damage.  As it is in the script now, he smashes the car with a shovel, breaks down the front door, smashes a TV, rips kitchen cupboards off and snaps them over his knee, smashes plates, and rips couch cushions and throw pillows.  

I think you could just accumulate pieces of junk and populate the sets with it; junk car, outdated TV, cheap plates and pillows.  The breaking down of the door can maybe just be done with sound effects.  The cupboard doors are tricky; maybe you could just buy one or two and temporarily replace the original cupboard doors with them so he could break them, then put the original doors back on afterward.

This sequence can easily be rewritten and tailored to fit the filmmaker’s needs, as can anything else in the script, of course.

POLICE CRIUSER
A police car is needed.

SPECIAL EFFECTS
There are none.  Except for MAYBE the gunshot?  But that’s more of a sound effect.

QUESTIONS
If anyone has a question about the potential production of this project, we talk about it on this discussion board, or you can email me: benkelley13@yahoo.com


TO THE EDGE WITH MR. PEMBRY (Short - 8 pages)
HYPNOTIZING TO GET AHEAD  (Thriller - 109 pages)

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BenKelley  -  August 3rd, 2014, 8:20am
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bert
Posted: July 26th, 2014, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
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Gave this a look.  You write well.  I particularly liked how you formed our mental image of Officer Conrad.  Sometimes you do go on a bit much, however.  On pg. 5 for example, you have several paragraphs describing the EXT. ROAD when, really, any one of those paragraphs would suffice.

This flowed well, though, with good momentum, and a few thoughts occurred to me while reading.

I would have Pembry drop his ring into the garbage disposal.  Flip it on.  Leave it on.  Just walk away and leave it running and grinding.  Just a thought.

I would also say that his wife talks on the phone too much.  We do not need all of that backstory, and much of it is on-the-nose and cliché.  Her talking with the operator robs the scene of its immediacy.  I would scale it back, let us fill in the blanks for ourselves.  The "why" of Mr. Pembry losing his $hit is not really that important.

I do not understand why you chose fear -- "pure fear" -- for Pembry at the sight of the police cruiser.  I seems like the wrong emotion, and not really in character considering all that has gone before.

I also would not include the scene at the pool, unless you change it up a bit, and really use it to increase the stakes somehow.  The way you have it, nothing happens.  At all.  It is just filler.  That scene is a use-it-or-lose-it scene, you know?  Either you are adding something to his character or you aren't.

I did enjoy your story on the whole.  The ending was less than I was hoping for, but your choices at that point are a matter of personal taste.  I kind of see what you are going for and how others may think it works just fine.

Nice work.  Welcome to the boards.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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BenKelley
Posted: July 26th, 2014, 2:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Bert,

I appreciate your detailed comment.  You make excellent points. Thanks for taking the time.

With the paragraphs on pg. 5 describing the neighborhood, my intention is for him to suddenly stumble into this perfect world, where everyone's lives appear stereotypically perfect, as his world is going to $hit.  I saw it as somewhat of a sequence, as opposed to a quick establishing-type scene.

With the scene at the pool, Mr. Pembry is just lost at that point.  He doesn't know what he's doing, just wandering, not knowing what he's searching for.  In an earlier draft, in the scene before, there was a fence with a door that he broke, and it was implied he was trying to hide knowing the cops are after him; then he randomly encounters the girl.  The point of the scene is at the end when he's knocked out of his daze and seems confused like, what the f*** am I doing?  Nothing logical or forced happens here because he's lost without objective or understanding.  Also there's no dialogue, so the reader/audience can decide for themselves what it means.

Your right that the wife's lines are on-the-nose.  The backstory with the engine needing to be replaced on one car, and then their other car suddenly having something wrong with it are actually inspired by reality.  It happened to my parents, lol.  Thankfully my father didn't lose his $hit, but that's where this idea came from, so I'm gonna keep that.  The bank "having a foot in the door" might be too much, but clichés are usually clichés because there's some widespread truth that everyone can relate to.

With the "pure fear" stage direction, it's meant to be sudden panic.  I need him to shift gears and flee immediately.

I love your suggestion with the garbage disposal.  No going back after that.

With the end, my intention is that all hope is not lost, no matter how close to the edge of the bottom you get.


TO THE EDGE WITH MR. PEMBRY (Short - 8 pages)
HYPNOTIZING TO GET AHEAD  (Thriller - 109 pages)
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Colkurtz8
Posted: July 28th, 2014, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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Ben

No need for the script’s title at the top of the first page.

Good start, straight in there, instant drama.

I think you mean SMASH CUT: instead of HARD. No big deal.

The scene of Michael whacking the guy made laugh as I instantly thought of John Goodman in the “This is what happens when you fu?k a stranger in the a?s! ” scene from The Big Lebowski

“Its dull complexion is a recent development. Likewise with
the crab grass and weeds on the lawn.”

- I don’t know how you would convey this recent neglect on screen. It’s an effective visual clue to show that the family has fallen behind on house work due to mounting financial pressures, let themselves go, etc. However, the way its written is practically an unfilmmable. Maybe take out the "recent develpment" part.

“A TV's screen SHATTERS after he knocks it to the floor. He
SMASHES a digital converter box against a wall.”

- Sh?t, this ain’t going to help the dire financial situation!

“He squeezes a container of dish washing soap down the drain.”

- Sorry, I dunno if this is meant to be funny. It just seems so arbitrary compared to the carnage he’s causing elsewhere around the house.

“He slips the ring off his finger and drops it at her feet.”

- This, I presume, is a pretty unexpected reaction from Michael thus I would’ve liked to have seen Janet’s response to such a definitive gesture.

On pages 4 and 5 when Michael vacates the house while the police cruiser arrives on the scene it felt like you missed an opportunity for a bit of chase, especially with the athletic cop. Janet has told them Micheal is armed so Officer Conrad would’ve given chase. You could have a short pursuit but Micheal evades them since he’s familiar with the area. Then continue your story in the wealthy neighbourhood as its written. Just a suggestion.

“A sun screen bottle is atop celebrity gossip magazines on a pool-side chair.”

- I like how you opened this scene with the above visual. Gives us an insight into the people living in the house. Classic case of “showing not telling”, nice touch.

I suppose the chase comes on page 7 so an earlier one may not be necessary. Worth considering though.

“Officer Conrad leads the way for Mrs. Pembry. They follow
broken twigs and kicked-up patches of earth. He's got a
pistol drawn. Gets farther and farther ahead of her.”

OFFICER CONRAD
Keep up, ma'am.

- Considering that Michael is armed, his attitude towards Janet upon leaving the house and his general unhinged-ness, I don’t believe Officer Conrad would allow her to come with him in pursuit of her husband. It would be far too dangerous and unnecessarily putting her life at risk.

Fingers crossed that Michael doesn’t end up shooting her...

“Officer Conrad runs at 20mph.”

- Sorry, I couldn’t help chuckling at the “20mph” part. I wouldn’t specify speeds like that, especially in imperial measurements, get with the program, it’s metric, man!
Seriously though, you could rewrite it as:

“Officer Conrad dashes through the trees” or “sprints” or any equivalent of running really fast.

I notice you use SERIES OF SHOTS a lot, some will have a problem with it, I think it actually suits the helter skelter of both Micheal’s mindset and the chase sequence. Helps the flow and franticness of such a scene.

“He dodges low branches like it's the Matrix.”

- I’d tone it down a bit by losing the filmic reference, it’s too much in my opinion.

Sh?t, hate to say it but you really lost me on the last line…actually more accurately, the last word. I like the script as a whole, there is potential here, no marks for originality but I did like your treatment of crippling debt and the level of desperation and madness it instigates in people. I like how you brought it into the woods as if going back to nature, a simpler time, away from the hustle and bustle of the rat race and contemporary, money worshipping society.

I was also happy that you didn’t have Michael kill himself. Instead he faces the reality of his situation, perhaps finding some tranquillity in his bucolic surroundings, some perspective but…under no circumstance, as far as I’m concerned anyway, should he “smile”. No way, it totally jars, doesn’t ring true.

As I said, you can have Michael take stock at his idyllic, peaceful environment (as you already suggest) the trees, sun, the quiet untouched landscape. He spots the flower but maybe his expression turns reflective, a certain somberness but appreciation for the newly opened  lily but that’s enough. Think about it, he’s not going to actually smile in light of what he has just gone through and the implications of his actions.

Also, perhaps he sees the flower before he tosses the gun. In that this sign of nature’s ongoing cycle of rebirth encourages him not to take that last fatal step. Just a thought.

Regards

Col.


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BenKelley
Posted: July 29th, 2014, 7:48am Report to Moderator
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Hi Col,

I appreciate your detailed comment.  Thanks.

I'm going to get rid of the title on pg.1, and make that cut SMASH TO:.  I think I also might get rid of the SERIES OF SHOTS since many have said it's not necessary; it's true it all can work without this designation.  Also, the Matrix reference is going to go.  And you're right about how I should just say Officer Conrad is hauling a$$ instead of running "20mph."

Your right about the "dull complexion being a recent development" being unfilm-able.  I should give a brief list of things that are wrong, like there's mildew overtaking it, some roof shingles are peeling off, etc.

There's no chase early because Officer Conrad, though not seen, is briefly talking to Mrs. Pembry, probably surveying the damage.  He would wonder where Mr. Pembry might be going and she would mention the only thing nearby is the upscale neighborhood, so they get in his car and head there.  

Officer Conrad takes Mrs. Pembry with him simply because I just need her to be there, since she's a principle character.  Maybe he thinks she can talk him out of whatever he's doing.  I took creative liberty with this aspect.

And at the end, Mr. Pembry "smiling" might be a bit much.  The idea I mean to convey is: all hope is not lost.


TO THE EDGE WITH MR. PEMBRY (Short - 8 pages)
HYPNOTIZING TO GET AHEAD  (Thriller - 109 pages)
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Colkurtz8
Posted: July 29th, 2014, 9:25am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from BenKelley
The idea I mean to convey is: all hope is not lost.


- Exactly, I appreciate that and it gives this otherwise bleak piece a glimmer of hope. Its just an outright smile is not the most subtle way of going about it.



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MarkRenshaw
Posted: July 29th, 2014, 10:27am Report to Moderator
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Hi Ben,

This start reminded me of Basil Fawlty beating the car up with a branch in Fawlty Towers. As such I approached this thinking it was a comedy which was probably bad as it took me a while to work out it wasn't and I didn't get emotionally involved. It did seem funny at the beginning so when it got serious there was a tone shift that didn't really work. If you want this to be a serious thriller then I'd ramp it up at the beginning, hitting a car with a spade is quite comical.

It didn't help with some of the descriptions like "Officer Conrad runs at 20mph - I actually lol'd at that.

Some of your action is unshootable. A bit of flair to set the scene for the reader is one thing but if you do too much it takes up valuable space in the script and become a distraction. For example:

"Then glares at the house. It's been a fixture on this wooded back road for many decades. Not too big, not too small.Its dull complexion is a recent development. Likewise with
the crab grass and weeds on the lawn."


That takes up 4 lines in the script and yet all the audience will see is a house, they won't know any of this other stuff about the recent development unless you find some way to show them, E.G. A flashback.

Some formatting issues E.G. The montage isn't formatted properly, you use caps to indicate shouting instead of using parentheticals, your characters should be in caps only the first time they are introduced; stuff like that - all minor but they add up so you may want to read up on some script formatting guides and check out published work; some folks ditch scripts if the basic stuff is wrong.

The English is clumsy E.G. "Mrs. Pembry is on the phone wandering the mess."

Basically a nice idea for a story, it flowed well in parts but lots of errors and clumsy writing, all of which can be improved with research and practice so keep on writing!


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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BenKelley
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So there's a new draft up now.  I incorporated much of the feedback that I had received, so thanks to everyone who took the time to comment.

There's still room for improvement.  I'm committed to getting better, so please keep the feedback coming.  


TO THE EDGE WITH MR. PEMBRY (Short - 8 pages)
HYPNOTIZING TO GET AHEAD  (Thriller - 109 pages)
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DS
Posted: August 3rd, 2014, 9:04am Report to Moderator
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Hi Ben - My thoughts on the script:

P1: From what I've read you should never change the name of a character in the script during the course of it, despite whatever twist it would give away.

WOMAN (V.O) should instantly be MRS. PEMBRY (V.O).

P3: She already called the police. Why do it again? Everything she says this time it just seems like a bad plot device. She's telling too much information about story background. Just to mention it, I thought the extra information in the first call fit in nicely. It added a good comedic feel to the script, revealing just as much as necessary. I'd recommend removing the second call in overall. Maybe there could be a letter from the bank falling on the floor as Mr. Pembry flips the table over instead.

P6: While I could accept the officer having Mrs. Pembry on the backseat for her own safety in case Mr. Pembry would come back to the house or to talk him out of it if necessary in a future situation... An officer would never ever ask the perpetrator's wife to run along chasing him, especially not if a gun has been fired.

I thought it was a nice story keeping us on the edge of the seat about what he's going to do with some subtle comedic nuances. And despite all that I think it manages to give everyone some food for thought, which would work especially well if filmed in the US. Sometimes the most regular people just snap and when they do... would anyone really want them to have a gun?

- DS
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BenKelley
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Hi DS,

You make all good points.  Thanks for taking the time.

As for the WOMAN (V.O.) vs. MRS. PEMBRY (V.O.), it's interesting.  While starting OVER BLACK, I decided to call her WOMAN initially simply because we haven't seen her, then once we've entered the scene, I introduce her.  You're not wrong.  I think it works either way.

As for your interpretation that she calls the police a second time... She actually never hangs up, just lowers the phone; I should probably make that more clear; I didn't realize it wasn't clear, so thanks for mentioning it.  Your right about the additional info in that second conversation with the police probably not being relevant.  

The idea about a bank letter, or maybe just bills in general, falling off the table when he flips it as a good one, an opportunity to show and not tell.

You're right that Officer Conrad taking Mrs. Pembry along for the chase is basically bull$hit, to be honest, lol... I took creative liberty here... I need my principle characters together.  I try to rationalize it my head by thinking maybe he has her there to talk Mr. Pembry out of whatever he's doing.  

Thanks for noticing the subtle comedic undertone.  And I do intend for this to be shot in the U.S.; I live in small town in the northeast, which is what I saw in my head while writing.


TO THE EDGE WITH MR. PEMBRY (Short - 8 pages)
HYPNOTIZING TO GET AHEAD  (Thriller - 109 pages)
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