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Don
Posted: September 6th, 2014, 7:39am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Broadcast by Howard Jensen (colkurtz - Short, Drama - An aging DJ is deemed surplus to requirements while a young couple go through a crisis. 20 pages - pdf, format


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
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DS
Posted: September 6th, 2014, 10:49am Report to Moderator
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Hey Col:

This was refreshing. A feel-good story about love and it really delivers. I've always liked the "addicted to their job" angle and it fit in really well here. Felt for Dusty straight from the opening pages. His character reminded me of a radio host in Estonia, where I live. I don't listen to the radio, but during some visits to the countryside this summer, the radio was on and I caught a program called... well it would be "rock fart" in translation a few times. It's an expression in Estonian for an old man who's obsessed with Rock. The host was clearly the old school type, really passionate about it and spit facts out after another. His knowledge of the subject was impressive, along with that passion it just made you want to keep listening.

Loved the "full of beans" quote. All the characters seemed realistic and I liked all of them. I didn't care for the young couple for a good part of the script, but I warmed to them in the end, especially because of how the story tied together. I like how you didn't make the station managers antagonists. Max had some good lines too. You did especially great with the dialogue here in my opinion.

I wasn't fond of the ghost wife at first, but then I realised that how much it adds to the love story. The exchange between Edna and Dusty also started to carry a lot of weight for me. The subconscious internal voice with the truth and Dusty clinging on to his job.

I think music can really add to a film. I plan to get back to this and listen to all of the songs brought out during another read and experience this script to the fullest. I've only heard one song you listed which is Dylan's Simple Twist of Fate which I thought fit in here incredibly well. I googled "I got it bad and that ain't good" to see about the ending meaning and if there is one I didn't get it. I don't think that song fits in at all actually. Maybe there wasn't supposed to be an extra meaning with the ending song, I don't know. But I think that there should be.

I didn't like Edna putting the needle in the groove. I wanted to see her as his imagination (mainly because of the exchange between them I brought out above) and that took me out of it.


Quoted Text


P7:  "Edna is no longer lies beside him."

P11: "Polly crosses her legs, seductively finger a napkin" fingers.

P13: Wrong name. Jay instead of Max.



Am I right in thinking that there is absolutely no chance this will ever get made? The amount of money necessary for using a song on the screen... I've heard some horror stories.


- DS
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TonyDionisio
Posted: September 6th, 2014, 11:31am Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Hey Howard,

I wandered about page 8, sorry. I'm not connected to the music -  maybe that had something to do with it,  i dunno. Writing is polished,  however.  

Gl with the script

Tony
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: September 7th, 2014, 5:42am Report to Moderator
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Hi Howard

Think I owe you a read or seven

I thought this was really evocative and loved the use of sound/songs as a thematic to intertwine the two strands.

As DS points out, might make it difficult to film due to getting rights. But, I guess not necessarily impossible. Fingers crossed.

The characters and situations felt real to me, Dusty in particular shone through.

I had two piece that didn;t work quite as well for me
- Dusty and the gun, I didn't think there'd been enough resentment established for him to kill himself on air, whilst doing the job he loves... just a thought.
- There's a lot cutting between very short scenes, e.g. pages 13 and 14 have 15 scenes/shots it might make for an overly staccato rythm in those sections.

Overall though I enjoyed it and the writing was strong.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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colkurtz8
Posted: September 7th, 2014, 9:30am Report to Moderator
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DS

Thanks for taking the time and your detailed thoughts, much appreciated, friend.


Quoted from DS
A feel-good story about love and it really delivers.


- Its is definitely one of the more "happy" scripts I've written. In that it ends on a seemingly positive, upbeat note...but I wouldn't call it a completely feel-good story. Although, I totally understand if that's the impression you would get. What I mean is, Dusty is basically back where he started, in that he is back in the comfort of his delusion of still having Edna around. I wanted to give the impression that although the beauty and love of music can bring people together, help those that are stricken, even mend relationships, it also assists Dusty in re-establishing the figment of his imagination (Edna) Is that a good thing? I dunno. Maybe losing his job might have been the best thing that could've happened to him if he had chose to use it as a spring board to start a new chapter in his life, free from the trappings of a past trauma...but of course most of us will retreat back into our memories and fantasies to derive comfort. And thatís understandable too, itís the easy way out. Dusty chooses this path.


Quoted from DS
I've always liked the "addicted to their job" angle and it fit in really well here. Felt for Dusty straight from the opening pages. His character reminded me of a radio host in Estonia, where I live. I don't listen to the radio, but during some visits to the countryside this summer, the radio was on and I caught a program called... well it would be "rock fart" in translation a few times. It's an expression in Estonian for an old man who's obsessed with Rock. The host was clearly the old school type, really passionate about it and spit facts out after another. His knowledge of the subject was impressive, along with that passion it just made you want to keep listening.


- Cool, glad you were able to draw some parallels with a real life guy. He does fit that stereotype of the enthusiastic old fashioned, music lover alright. Ha, I dig the "Rock Fart" nickname, pretty much sums him up although he is more of a jazzy guy


Quoted from DS
I like how you didn't make the station managers antagonists. Max had some good lines too.


- Thanks. When Dusty was rambling on, getting all philosophical and that I wanted it to be emotional, heartfelt and honest but I also realised that it could be just as easily be deemed hammy and sentimental. Thatís Maxís role, he is the voice of the cynic, the guy whoíll roll his eyes rather then bring a tear to them. He needed to be there so the reaction would be balanced between respect for Dusty and derision at his mawkishness.


Quoted from DS
I wasn't fond of the ghost wife at first, but then I realised that how much it adds to the love story. The exchange between Edna and Dusty also started to carry a lot of weight for me. The subconscious internal voice with the truth and Dusty clinging on to his job.


- Ya, I hoped readers would pick up on Edna's seemingly on-the-nose dialogue when she first appears and consider it unreal or clunky...only when you find out that she is in Dusty's imagination does it start to make more sense.


Quoted from DS
I've only heard one song you listed which is Dylan's Simple Twist of Fate which I thought fit in here incredibly well.


- Ya, maybe too well I dunno. Itís in my top 5 Dylan songs and Iím a huge fan so I wanted to put it in there.


Quoted from DS
I googled "I got it bad and that ain't good" to see about the ending meaning and if there is one I didn't get it. I don't think that song fits in at all actually. Maybe there wasn't supposed to be an extra meaning with the ending song, I don't know. But I think that there should be.


- Such a beautiful song. Itís actually on ďThe Big LebowskiĒ soundtrack. In the film, it plays over the post ďcoitusĒ scene between the The Dude and Maud in bed and he talks about his past as roadie. Iím really glad you brought this up too as it relates to what I said earlier about this not being an entirely happy ending. The song is about loving someone even when itís not good for you which correlates with Dustyís undying love for his deceased wife almost to a fault since it prevents him from moving on.


Quoted from DS
I didn't like Edna putting the needle in the groove. I wanted to see her as his imagination (mainly because of the exchange between them I brought out above) and that took me out of it.


- Interesting point and I see what you mean. I figured since itís all in Dustyís head he just imagines Edna putting the needle on the groove as if she is playing her part, however small, in helping him regain his old life. Itís more symbolic than anything. I wonder if I had Dusty in that particular scene too, beside her as she starts the record? I think it is significant that we see her do it though since she is the main reason why Dusty is continuing to live, to work, to love and appreciate music.


Quoted from DS
Am I right in thinking that there is absolutely no chance this will ever get made? The amount of money necessary for using a song on the screen... I've heard some horror stories.


- Totally, I never wrote this with the intention of getting it made. When an idea for a script comes to me, I do try to keep it within logical production parameters but I donít let it stop me writing something either if itís going to fall outside those boundaries. If its wroth writing Iíll write it. Most of these songs are pretty old though so maybe they are in the public domain, I never checked. Either way, itís safe to say that if this was ever to be made, the music would invariable change.

Thanks again for your comments and the few typos you picked up too.


Tony

Thanks for making the attempt and I appreciate your honesty, cheers.

Col.


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Angry Bear
Posted: September 7th, 2014, 11:03am Report to Moderator
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I was going to do page by page notes, but there wasn't really anything to write notes about. I think you did great here with this story. It could be a little shorter. Not much, but a little. I found myself thinking it should move along just a tad faster when I was somewhere near the end of the middle or so. I don't think it would hurt to have this two pages or so shorter.

The story was well written and I appreciated some of your word usages. My only gripe would be what was IMHO the misuse of continuous and later in your slugs, but I'm not expert so take that with a grain of salt.

The story was nice and bitter sweet. A couple of things I questioned while reading was, did Janet just kiss someone else or have sex with him? Seems to me she only kissed him, in which case, running off and considering going to a motel with a hooker seems a bit over reacting.

Also, why would Dusty throw away all those old albums and the near perfect condition record player. Those are worth money these days and I thought Dusty would definitely know this. Even if he's considering taking his own life, IMO, a real collector and lover of those things would never toss them in the garbage.

Where did Dusty get his gun from? I know they're easy to get, but somehow, Dusty didn't come across as someone who keeps a gun under his pillow. People who aren't used to guns tend to be afraid of them. I can't imagine one having one under a pillow.

When Janet called Dusty at the station and somehow his station was playing at the diner where Wes happened to be, I knew where this was heading.

Just a few thoughts. Other than that, I think you did a great job.

Oh, and I appreciated that there a lot fewer ...  than there was in Pecking Order.



Page 1.   Great mix of Dusty's radio voice and Janet's and Wes'.










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LeeOConnor
Posted: September 7th, 2014, 12:42pm Report to Moderator
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I really enjoyed this. I found it fresh and a pleasure to read.
As stated, Dusty stuck out a mile, I really felt for him.

Good luck with this.

Lee
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colkurtz8
Posted: September 7th, 2014, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
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Anthony


Quoted from AnthonyCawood
Think I owe you a read or seven


- No hassle, don't feel obligated, I never have a problem reading stuff from active members.


Quoted from AnthonyCawood
I thought this was really evocative and loved the use of sound/songs as a thematic to intertwine the two strands.


- Cool, glad that worked for you.


Quoted from AnthonyCawood
As DS points out, might make it difficult to film due to getting rights. But, I guess not necessarily impossible. Fingers crossed.


- Nah, it would be virtually impossible or at least not worth the trouble.


Quoted from AnthonyCawood
- Dusty and the gun, I didn't think there'd been enough resentment established for him to kill himself on air, whilst doing the job he loves... just a thought.


- It is an extreme measure alright but this is a man with (in his eyes) has no reason to exist now. Once he loses his job, his illusion of Edna becomes impossible also, he can't bring himself to face her. Also, there is the influence of the film "Network" on him too. I made sure to specify that he puts in the DVD to suggest that he owns the film and loves it (I do ) He sees Howard Beale as a martyr for his kind, the shunned employee cast on to the scrapheap, deemed expendable. Of course Beale is shot by the studio in the film (though he does threaten to do it himself near the beginning) so Dusty goes one better and controls his own destiny by pulling the trigger himself. There is the case of Christine Chubbuck doing it back in the 70s too.


Quoted from AnthonyCawood
- There's a lot cutting between very short scenes, e.g. pages 13 and 14 have 15 scenes/shots it might make for an overly staccato rythm in those sections.


- I take your point. Although, think of films nowadays with their MTV style editing popularized by someone like Tony Scott or James Wan. Eroding attention spans demand this so I don't think the cutting here would be a problem on screen, audiences are used to it, itís the norm now.  Here, since its cutting between two concurrent stories it gets busy thus the rapid scene changes reflect this. Plus, a couple of them are just inserts. All I can do is make it readable on the page and easy to follow while conveying the visuals. Think of it as one big montage

Thanks again for taking the time.


Pia

Always nice to get a read from one of the siteís elder statespersons Thank you.


Quoted from Angry Bear
I was going to do page by page notes, but there wasn't really anything to write notes about. I think you did great here with this story. It could be a little shorter. Not much, but a little. I found myself thinking it should move along just a tad faster when I was somewhere near the end of the middle or so. I don't think it would hurt to have this two pages or so shorter.


- It could be, maybe itís all the scenes going back and forth or Dustyís verbose character. I always imagined it not being as long as the page count suggests. Although, the song cues would add some time too so it would probably balance out. Anyway, I think itís fair to say the majority of films could do with being shorter


Quoted from Angry Bear
The story was well written and I appreciated some of your word usages. My only gripe would be what was IMHO the misuse of continuous and later in your slugs, but I'm not expert so take that with a grain of salt.


- Really, I always take care with slugs and make sure they are not confusing or misleading.


Quoted from Angry Bear
The story was nice and bitter sweet. A couple of things I questioned while reading was, did Janet just kiss someone else or have sex with him? Seems to me she only kissed him, in which case, running off and considering going to a motel with a hooker seems a bit over reacting.


- She only kissed him and yes Wes going off with a hooker would be extreme but he never did it and I made sure to not give any definite indication that he was going to. He probably appreciated the attention and the company of Polly when she approaches him and may have, for a split second, entertained the idea as the ultimate fu?k you to Janet for her betrayal but I donít think he would've actually gone through with it. Janetís request and subsequent song just helped push him in the direction of reconciliation a little quicker. I do believe they would've gotten over this bump in their relationship with or without Dustyís influence. It was just the notion of temptation rearing its head for Wes when he was at a particularly vulnerable time which interested me.


Quoted from Angry Bear
Also, why would Dusty throw away all those old albums and the near perfect condition record player. Those are worth money these days and I thought Dusty would definitely know this. Even if he's considering taking his own life, IMO, a real collector and lover of those things would never toss them in the garbage.


- Of course you are right in everything you say but itís more a symbol of how far he is gone, how pointless he considers his existence to be. The vinyl represent that old life, the satisfying job, the loving wife. Itís more like a cleansing process for him at this stage.


Quoted from Angry Bear
Where did Dusty get his gun from? I know they're easy to get, but somehow, Dusty didn't come across as someone who keeps a gun under his pillow. People who aren't used to guns tend to be afraid of them. I can't imagine one having one under a pillow.


- Good question and I was waiting for someone to ask it. I figured since Edna was killed in a home invasion (as mentioned to Max on page 9), that Dusty would keep a weapon in the house as a precaution for fear of it happening again. Thatís why itís under his pillow. Its the reason for the locks on the door as well. Notice how he only locks them on the first and third nights when Edna is "there" but doesn't bother on the second day when she has "left" him.


Quoted from Angry Bear
When Janet called Dusty at the station and somehow his station was playing at the diner where Wes happened to be, I knew where this was heading.


- It does come together rather smoothly alright, contrivance central over here! But hey thatís the power of music!


Quoted from Angry Bear
Oh, and I appreciated that there a lot fewer ...  than there was in Pecking Order.


- Ha, I stand by my use of Ö expect a lot more Ö in future script I may post hereÖÖ


Quoted from Angry Bear
Page 1.   Great mix of Dusty's radio voice and Janet's and Wes'.


- Cheers.

Thanks again for taking the time, Pia, much appreciated.


Lee

Thanks for checking this out, glad you responded to Dusty.

Col.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: September 7th, 2014, 3:43pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Col,

Only seems like yesterday I was reading a new script of yours.....err....it was I think.

As ever you handle scripts with an assured touch. Not alway easy to put a finger on how, or why this is better than most, but you do. You don't over stay your welcome, and keep the scenes connected. Nice writing and use of words as well - I try to take note.

It makes your work stand out. I like the way you try to weave concurrent, or different time zone scenes togther like a...searches for the writer words...oh you know.

This time I have read other comments first. Don't know why, just did. Back to story, my comments are - sorry I didn't take notes so these are my reflections...

1) page length - I agree with Pia this feels like a shorter script. If you up the stakes at the beginning this may be this would change the feel.

2) dusty and the gun - I understand why, it just felt a tad off. Difficult to say why. If he hadn't drunk in 30 years, but opened a bottle, we would get the same feeling of self destruction etc

3) Edna - I liked this angle but not sure about him mentioning it. She could be useful in showing change. As a static situation , ie Edna just being there, I suppose it shows consistency but it also, to me, evokes an unreal situation. Someone who is lost, trapped.?? Needs to change?

4) I would stress the connection that the young coupe, have with his show - may be a shared link, how they met etc this would give credibility to the pay off.

Theme

Is it acceptance ? Dusty needs to move on. Wes needs to accept?

Is it honesty? Honest music, honest talk etc.the new radio folk aren't honest at the station and that's the difference

Is it love - the wrap all concept. What we do for it etc?

Standing back, we all have to go, we all have to change. Edna's gone. The station needs to change. But...does that mean we don't have value, we can't still connect. But what is the value?

I offer a few options for thought...

Dusty, say after a Drink, realises he's got to change, but still wants to carry on. He lives/loves music. It's his soul, it's what people live to hear from him.
Edna says he must keep the albums - he realises this is part of his problem, he's living a past, a fake past. Love sets you free, not holds you back.
He tells listeners he's off - does anybody else want him?
The girl rings up says how much she needs him, explains about her husband - who loaners - dusty plays the right song
Another radio station offer him a role.
The new management offer him to stay, he refuses - moves on.
He sits back down one night, puts on a soulful tune, on the computer this time  - he's moved on
Edna could still sit in her chair listening - I always knew you had it in you etc - a spiritual connection still there. Change doesn't lose everything.

Sorry, for a load of thoughts. I did enjoy this and I applaud the craft.

All the best.


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Angry Bear
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Quoted from colkurtz8
Anthony
Always nice to get a read from one of the siteís elder statespersons Thank you.

WHAT?????? I'm the fucking Joe Biden of SS?????




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rendevous
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Better that than the Dick Cheney of SS.

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Out Of Character - updated


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khamanna
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Hey, Howard.

I really enjoyed it. I think the slow build up made it shine.
A few thoughts:
for me Turner's change of hearts was a bit sudden. So, I'd think you need more there.
Also, Dusty planning to shoot himself - it looked like he was going to do it right into the microphone. I don't know if he was, he's not the kind of man who would upset his fans this badly, but that's what it look like from the way it's narrated. I'd advise to change that, as Dusty comes of as a cold prick in this case. And I'm pretty sure he's not.

Edna, I know she left and all, but she put him down very badly on p5. She talked about Dusty not being able to carry on for so long - I just wanted to strangle her. It's like she made him reach for that gun. And that weakens the ending as I don't want to see Dusty with Edna anymore and I think I should want them together. So, I suggest you make changes to that part as well.

And lastly, did we get a shot of Wes calling Janet, or them together? I'd want to see them to gether. Maybe just me. Or maybe I missed that part.

A load of comments - strange - I did enjoy it thouroughly.
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colkurtz8
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Bill


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Only seems like yesterday I was reading a new script of yours.....err....it was I think.


- So you did! And thank you very much for doing so.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
1) page length - I agree with Pia this feels like a shorter script. If you up the stakes at the beginning this may be this would change the feel.


- When I outlined this I forecast-ed it to come in under 15 pages but when I wrote it, I was left with 22 pages or something and got it down to 20. Yeah it could be shorter and I tried to keep it as lean as possible but didn't want to sacrifice the storytelling either. Length is always an issue with me, it seems like I'm forever trying to lose pages.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
2) dusty and the gun - I understand why, it just felt a tad off. Difficult to say why. If he hadn't drunk in 30 years, but opened a bottle, we would get the same feeling of self destruction etc


- As I said to Pia, this is the thought process of a man who has lost his reason for existence. Plus there is the influence of "Network" on him too. In particular Howard Beale who Dusty sees as his silver screen inspiration, although Beale worked on the small screen Also, the taking-to-drink direction has been done a million times before, including in my own scripts. I liked the idea of Dusty drawing parallels between Beale and himself.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
3) Edna - I liked this angle but not sure about him mentioning it. She could be useful in showing change. As a static situation , ie Edna just being there, I suppose it shows consistency but it also, to me, evokes an unreal situation. Someone who is lost, trapped.?? Needs to change?


- I take it you mean Dusty's "I felt unworthy" line, right? I could probably go without specifying that but it is the only line that explicitly refers to Dusty's need and reasoning for Edna's presence, it sums it up. Perhaps I should have more faith in the reader's ability to join the dots.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
4) I would stress the connection that the young coupe, have with his show - may be a shared link, how they met etc this would give credibility to the pay off.


- I liked the conflict of Janet liking Dustyís program but Wes hating it. I can recognize why someone like Dusty with his nostalgia trips and overt enthusiasm could annoy people too. Wes is one of these people. It also adds a bit of tension in the opening scenes when Dustyís chattering away in the background adds to Wes's already pis?ed off mood. The payoff is more got to do with the power of music and what it can do in changing people but also provide a refuge for those who want to remain where they are. They was the original notions I wanted to explore when coming up with this.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Is it acceptance ? Dusty needs to move on. Wes needs to accept?

Is it honesty? Honest music, honest talk etc.the new radio folk aren't honest at the station and that's the difference

Is it love - the wrap all concept. What we do for it etc?


- These are part of it and all inform one another, especially with Dusty and I'm glad you pointed that out. Dusty really needs to get his head right which is why I don't think the ending is entirely happy.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Standing back, we all have to go, we all have to change. Edna's gone. The station needs to change. But...does that mean we don't have value, we can't still connect. But what is the value?


- True, the element of change and moving on play into what you mentioned above and Dusty's reluctance to do this on a number of levels. Janet's reaching out to him through his program was a way to show he still has meaning and relevance and which is what ultimately pulls him away from the precipice. Itís a simple message but one that can be all important to someone at a certain stage of their life, to prove they still have something to offer. This ties in to Dusty's "relationship" with Edna's spirit too, he needs to feel worthy in her eyes in order to earn the right to communicate with her.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Dusty, say after a Drink, realises he's got to change, but still wants to carry on. He lives/loves music. It's his soul, it's what people live to hear from him.
Edna says he must keep the albums - he realises this is part of his problem, he's living a past, a fake past. Love sets you free, not holds you back.
He tells listeners he's off - does anybody else want him?
The girl rings up says how much she needs him, explains about her husband - who loaners - dusty plays the right song
Another radio station offer him a role.
The new management offer him to stay, he refuses - moves on.
He sits back down one night, puts on a soulful tune, on the computer this time  - he's moved on
Edna could still sit in her chair listening - I always knew you had it in you etc - a spiritual connection still there. Change doesn't lose everything.


- Some great suggestions in there, cheers. I think Edna is part of his past so keeping the records goes along with that. If Edna suggested he get rid of them, she is, in a way, saying to put her behind him as well. They go hand in hand, one is representative of the other. I liked the idea of Dusty not giving the station a definite answer whether he will come back or not, that was important to me. Maybe Dusty just wanted to justify himself to Edna which Janet and the other callers achieved. Plus, when Mr. Turner talks about "bouncing around ideas" I entertained the notion that they might pitch an Agony Uncle type show to him where he would take calls and help people with their problems. Made me laugh anyway

I love your idea of him playing songs on the computer to show his "moving on" but this is a celebration of the past, vintage music and the vintage ideals that go along with it. But more importantly, I wanted to leave that bittersweet taste in the ending of yeah, Dusty has been shown he still matters, he can face Edna again but he is still living within his delusion. I recognized that some people were quick to say itís too sentimental and schmaltzy to which I was quick to point out that itís far from that. There is a caveat here. I guess itís my aversion to complete and utter positive endings. This is the best you're gonna get from me


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Sorry, for a load of thoughts. I did enjoy this and I applaud the craft.


- Its all good, man, the more ideas thrown around the more chances I get to learn and improve. Thank you, sir.



Quoted from Angry Bear

WHAT?????? I'm the fucking Joe Biden of SS?????




- Nah, I was thinking more along the lines of fucking Dan Quayle!


Khamanna

Thanks for checking this out.


Quoted from khamanna
for me Turner's change of hearts was a bit sudden. So, I'd think you need more there.


- Fair point but as I said to Bill above I don't specify what ideas Turner and Quinn have been discussing. Who knows what they have in store for him. Itís never confirmed that they're going to let Dusty keep his job just because he got a few callers saying how much they enjoy his program.


Quoted from khamanna
Also, Dusty planning to shoot himself - it looked like he was going to do it right into the microphone. I don't know if he was, he's not the kind of man who would upset his fans this badly, but that's what it look like from the way it's narrated. I'd advise to change that, as Dusty comes of as a cold prick in this case. And I'm pretty sure he's not.


- Yeah, it was going to be his swansong. Selfish maybe but at this point Dusty thinks he has no listener-ship, no worth, no reason left to be around. Plus, he's a big fan of Network, with Howard Beale being his hero. I acknowledge that this won't really work if you're not familiar with the film. Itís in my top 3 of all time.


Quoted from khamanna
Edna, I know she left and all, but she put him down very badly on p5. She talked about Dusty not being able to carry on for so long - I just wanted to strangle her. It's like she made him reach for that gun. And that weakens the ending as I don't want to see Dusty with Edna anymore and I think I should want them together. So, I suggest you make changes to that part as well.


- I'm glad you brought this up and I see your point. However (although it isn't apparent then as we only find out she's dead on page 9) this is Dusty's interpretation of how Edna feels about him, its all a projection of Dusty's inadequacy, how useless and unworthy he feels before Edna (real of otherwise) without his job. I wanted readers to dislike Edna from that scene and be wondering why she is being so cold and unsympathetic. Only later, when we find out she is a figment of Dusty's imagination, that we understand why she spoke in that manner. Your response is totally natural and I agree with you, it was my intention.


Quoted from khamanna
And lastly, did we get a shot of Wes calling Janet, or them together? I'd want to see them to gether. Maybe just me. Or maybe I missed that part.


- No, because Wes is away at work all week so they don't get a chance to share a scene face to face. I hoped Wes making the phone call to Janet would be enough to indicate reconciliation. Plus, the fact that Janet phoned Dusty's station to thank him for helping her suggests they made up.

Thanks so much for taking the time, really appreciate it.

Col.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: September 9th, 2014, 2:04am Report to Moderator
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Hey col

All the best with this.

I can totally appreciate your desire to write the script you have in mind. I often get useful comments from others but it's not the script I want to write.

A couple small things, suggestions etc

Gun - if you go down this route I would agree it needs a to be a little clearer when he intends to use this. A bit of mystery is good but I recall being unsure about what I was seeing. A re read may help but you may care to check this. I also wonder whether you could make it a poignant gun. His dad's, or one used by someone famous etc something which further reconnects with a 'golden time'

Radio. - I also understand, and like, the idea of Wes not liking the station. I haven't re read the script but perhaps he could make that comment to her, yet once in the dinner asks for it to be turned up - it could show an underlying need to re connect. Otherwise, it does feel a tad unlikely that one radio station is playing, he happens to be there and hear it etc and the message gets through - I know this is film and we can accept things but a little more connection may help

All the best


My scripts †HERE

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colkurtz8
Posted: September 9th, 2014, 7:03am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Gun - if you go down this route I would agree it needs a to be a little clearer when he intends to use this. A bit of mystery is good but I recall being unsure about what I was seeing. A re read may help but you may care to check this. I also wonder whether you could make it a poignant gun. His dad's, or one used by someone famous etc something which further reconnects with a 'golden time'


- In his speech before playing the Dylan song, he says this is his first and last song of the program and that its his last show. So, in other words, his last ever song. He then readies the gun on his lap so the impression I wanted to give was that he was gonna do it once the song was finished, as if it was his funeral song.

Good suggestion about the gun. Khamanna wondered why he had it in the first place which is because of the home invasion that killed Edna so because of that back-story it sort of has to be a new gun, purchased in haste on the back of such a tragedy. Like Khamanna, I don't see Dusty as keeping a gun normally but circumstance has forced him to.


Quoted from Reef Dreamer
Radio. - I also understand, and like, the idea of Wes not liking the station. I haven't re read the script but perhaps he could make that comment to her, yet once in the dinner asks for it to be turned up - it could show an underlying need to re connect. Otherwise, it does feel a tad unlikely that one radio station is playing, he happens to be there and hear it etc and the message gets through - I know this is film and we can accept things but a little more connection may help


- Wes does verbalize his dislike of Dusty's constant upbeat tone during his fight with Janet at the beginning  and switches off the radio. When it comes on in the diner, he initially frowns upon hearing Dusty's voice which changes once he hears Janet's request while totally ignoring Polly's advances. And yes, I can't argue with it being a major coincidence but I needed to find a way for Wes to hear Janet's plea as he obviously wouldn't be listening to it in his truck.

Thanks again for your further comments. I owe you, bud.

Col.


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