Quoted from AnthonyCawood Ah, shame though - thought you had an alternative ending for me to weave in Alffy

Is that a challenge? lol

Ok, what if the iRobot isn't a vacuum robot after all and is in fact a grass cutter which follows Roy up the hall, destroying his carpet as it goes?

LOL - well the iRobot company do make them as well, may draw too many comparisons with King's 'Lawnmower Man' though

Thanks

Anthony

Hey Anthony,

Writing as I read and as my mad ideas appear in my head. Also not read other comments yet.

iRobot -  A clever play on I Robot. Who knew that Issac Asimov would predict Apple's global technological world dominance?

The postman seems overly described for someone who's not quite a teen and (maybe) fairly new at his post. Is this needed for the story?

Ah, the paranoia of the elderly, I look forward to this mental state.

Although it takes 4 lines to describe Roy, I do love the imagery.

On my browser (Firefox version 33)  there's big gaps between each scene. It may just be me but worth checking.

I don't trust those robot vacuum things. I think the new terminator movies are about them and rightly so!

Not sure about the note, maybe condense it a bit. Notes on screen are notoriously hard to read the longer they are. Is it needed at all?

I had to look up what Woodlouse means. It's a bit like a Woodlice. Has he said that because the design reminds him of this?

Page 5 - iRobot moms off. Should be moves off. Typos are the bane of my life, I can only spot typos other people make.

"A sinister SCUTTLING emanates from behind the cooker, a rat in armour, machinating." - I love this description.

"Smothered by the geriatric wrestler's body slam" - Great way to convey something quickly and concisely.

Wow that was great, I loved it. Having Roy so elderly and vulnerable made this all the more exciting. It depicted that generation's distrust of technology perfectly.

I do feel cheated as I wanted more; more of a cat and mouse game between Roy and iRobot. That's good as you want the audience to want more but it felt like this had just got going when it stopped.

But a very enjoyable read nonetheless and this would make an excellent short if produced.

Mark

Hi Mark and thanks for the read and all the positive comments, really appreciated and really pleased you liked the script.

Postman description, no maybe not, but i'm trying to beef up/improve parts of my writing and Postman is the opposite end of the spectrum in terms of age and attitude to Roy, so a little indulgence on my part.

Bigs gaps and typos, think I've fixed all these now, and I'm the same, snow blind with my own work - eagle eyed when it't not mine

I had one of the robot vacs a few years ago, an early http://www.irobot.com model, as a gadget freak I really liked it but it was a little like having a woodlouse/lice running round under your feet.

Wanting more, well I was trying to keep it shortish to avoid it dragging, perhaps I could expand a little - will have a tinker.

Now to find a producer!

Cheers

Anthony

Hi Anthony,

Here is my review...

After reading the logline twice (English is not my first language) I found it intriguing.

Sci-Fi, IRobot and 'fight to the death... over the kitchen table'... sounds interesting. Genre name, title and logline work together perfectly and make people curious about this story.

From the first line I can see that you are a good writer. And, obviously you know the screenplay format so, I will only talk about the story...

I liked your character description. Without Roy's good description, the story could suffer. His military connection was nicely done. I imagined him feeling like a solder on the battleground...

Angry old solder against IRobot!

And, even though I new where the story was moving, I still was very satisfied. In fact I wanted it to be ended like that.

I liked it all.

So, I had to read it twice in order to find something that I could talk about. And, I think I found something...

I was out of the story only once: when Roy reads the note...

The postman delivered a package in the morning from his daughter and... she was coming to check soon.

I said to myself: my post service does not work that fast!

And... that lead me to a suggestion:

what if Roy opens the package and reads: FROM WENDY! He calls out to his wife something like: Maggie. Your daughter sent as a package... But, Maggie does not respond. She's somewhere else - in another room.

The fight starts and at place of Wendy, Maggie enters in the room. She helps her husband and they argue if IRobot really attacked Roy...

I mean, in place of a daughter/Dad story, you could have husband/wife story. You could even make his wife a part in the fight...

I don't know, it's just another idea... Frankly, I like it the way you wrote it.

Thanks,
datha

Hi datha and many thanks for the read and the review - great that the script worked so well for you.

The UK post service (largely due to small size of the UK) does offer next day delivery, you pay more but many people will do so when sending items of value.

Thanks for the suggestion re Maggie, it's an idea and if I need to expand it I may consider something along those lines.

Cheers

Anthony

Anthony,

This was a decent story. You have a consistent tone throughout, and your characters seemed well thought out and colorful. Your dialogue was good. I could visualize this.

The only issues I have here is some of your phrasing seems a little off, and I feel you can cut back on your action just a tad. As is, it reads a little flowery. I'm at work, but if you want me to go into a little detail later on I will.

The irobot turning itself back on at the end is something we've seen before. Works for what it is, but a little contrived.

Overall, though, pretty good.

Steve

Hi Steve, thanks for the read and comments, appreciated as always.

If you get a chance later to give a couple of examples of the off phrasing and the flowery bits (a little intentional on my part), that'd be a great help.

Cheers

Anthony

Anthony,

Okay, continuing on from earlier.

Pg 1

Postman sighs and rummages in his pocket.

He holds up his ID badge.

-- Now, why is this on two separate lines when they could obviously be easily condensed into one. I know some people do this for effect, but for the effect of the postman holding up his badge?

Pg1 into 2 -- obvious formatting error as the name ROY at the bottom of page 1, but dialogue at top of page 2. Perhaps you didn't notice, or maybe this is just in the early stages.

Pg 4 - top

Reads.

-- might you want to say "It reads:" ? Just reads sounds a little awkward IMO.

Pg 4 - bottom

In the background, steam rises and the kettle switches off.

-- Is there a ghost in this house?  AHA! LOL! Maybe there is. I missed that earlier. Am I to believe that iRobot has turned off the kettle?

Pg 5 -

Roy steps back in surprise, teetering unsteadily before remembering to use his stick.

-- Would sound much better like...

Roy steps back in surprise. He teeters unsteadily before remembering to use his stick.

-- not a great example, but at least I got rid of one "ing."

Pg 6

The table meets his grasping hands, he steadies himself.

-- Just reads awkward.

Pg 7

... effort etched on his face.

-- Just me, but I'd be a little more descriptive than that. Maybe "clenches his teeth" or something of that nature.

There are a couple more like that, but those are basically the ones I noticed most. Take it for what you will. Just my observations.

I must apologize, I think I misspoke when I said "flowery." The writing isn't really that, it's basically good but a little on the longish side in some spots.

And on second read, I actually enjoyed it a lot more. I think Wendy really adds a good measure of humor at the end. But the battle of Roy vs. iRobot, now that I think of it, reads very funny. Good job on this. Consider me turned.

Steve

Hi Steve

Thanks for expanding on these, appreciaated.

Think I agree with most of these, will look to revise these examples a bit further.

Kettle switching off, well UK kettles do switch themselves off when they get to boiling point, otherwise they'd just boil dry and most do it with a switching/clicking sound... US kettles different?

And really glad that you liked it more second time round, thanks for turning

Cheers

Anthony

This was decent. I thought it had funny moments but overall I thought this could have played out in four pages.

I didn't see the reason for the the mailman at all. You introduced him and gave him lines as if he were going to play an intricate roll in the story. And the way he smiled when he walked off I thought he would have something to do with the robot malfunctioning. His whole character could be scrapped.

Your protag being a vet didn't have anything to do with the story either. I wish it played a part somehow.

Your title needs to change. iRobot is... well, you know.

Hi Jeanpierre and many thanks for the read.

The mailman allows me to establish a little bit of Roy's charcter in advance and set up his daughter visiting later and him being a vet has a little more of a role in the latest draft.

Title, well obviously it's a play on the film of a similar name (but not the same), but it's also the name of the company who make the vacuum's (www.irobot.com)... and it seems to be a good talking point too, so hopefully get me some more reads

Many thanks

Anthony

This is very much in the same vein as something I uploaded to the site a couple of days ago (hopefully it'll get posted soon), and I completely understand what you're going for.

As it stands, it seems to me like a decent little writing exercise, something that a person could film themselves with the help of a couple of actors (and an i-vac willing to play the part, of course).

I agree with comments above about your descriptions being too long, I reckon a leaner version of the screenplay, with all of the main events untouched, could come in at about 5 pages.

I won't make any suggestions as to what could be added, but from this point you could either beef it up - weave some sybolism through it, play on the theme more (even something as small as a news report discussing the use of drones (I know, I said I wouldn't suggest anything)).

Or, you could strip it down, make it leaner and faster, and go for a wham-bam thank you m'am kinda short.

All the best.

Greg

I would like to see more description of Roy's domicile. We don't really know too much about him and I'm not satisfied to just see a cranky old man. Some old people are quite pleasant, why is Roy such a grump?
I think you could cut the entire beginning and start with Roy opening the box and then focus on who Roy is and why he doesn't like the vacuum.  
I'm also not sure what this story is about. I was expecting a more defined result but it just seems like we are getting a slice of this guy's life.
Also, is this vacuum 3 laws safe?
-Tom

Greg/Tom - many thanks for the reads and the thoughts, really appreciated.

Greg - As I think I said in a previous response, kinda experimenting with the descriptions a little so thanks for your thoughts. I think the length of the film (rather than page length of script) would be pretty much unffected by streamlining descriptions but still tinkering with the script so we'll see.

Tom - Agree some old people are nice, but nice characters are often a bit dull, so the scene with the post man is used to help establish Roy's cantankerous character in a show not tell kind of way. In terms of why he's a grump... I'm not convinced it's critical to have this level of depth in a short of this type, which is after all a comedy at heart.  

3 Laws Safe - too funny, may try and weave that in somehow

Many thanks

Anthony