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iRobot (currently 4854 views) |
Don |
Posted: November 6th, 2014, 5:44pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
iRobot by Anthony Cawood - Short, Sci Fi, Action - The delivery of an unexpected package leads to a battle between man and machine, a fight to the death... over the kitchen table. - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown) |
Don - March 13th, 2017, 10:19am | | |
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LC |
Posted: November 6th, 2014, 6:57pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7581 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Hi Anthony,
Gave this a quick read and enjoyed it for the most part. You have the characterizations down nicely - the old guy, the postman.
You do the man v technology theme well. I especially liked the Fridge 'short'.
This one, I feel, needs ramping up a little - a vacuum cleaner works on suction - I'd play that up. I thought the final 'battle' should have encompassed this more and had your lead character really getting into some strife. It reads a little 'light' to me at the moment. Amusing, but personally I would have taken it into darker territory. Perhaps incorporate the medals he wears into the story - the vac could suck them up and spit them out onto the floor - or maybe they could be lost entirely - perhaps fly up in the air and out the window. Roy could slip on the floor going after them and really engage in battle with the vac - and then have Wendy walk in...
Just a note on the current draft - coupla typos: 'seperates' 'separates' to name one, and the writing could do with a bit of an edit imh - pare some of the descriptions back a little.. You've got some weird spacing going on with a couple of pages too - big gaps of white space.
Finally the title: perhaps iVac instead, seeing as iRobot is so well known.
Enjoyable read. Would just like to see you incorporate a bit more into the battle.
P.S. Shouldn't this be in 'Shorts' - might get more attention there. ?? |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
LC - November 6th, 2014, 7:26pm | | |
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LeeOConnor |
Posted: November 7th, 2014, 4:08am |
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LocationUK Posts148 Posts Per Day 0.04 |
Hi Anthony,
Nice tale. Entertaining and good description.
These are my thoughts, just my opinion of course.
I did feel that there was an overuse of sound effects e.g "CLICK" I completely understand there is not much more you can do with this to tell us what the irobot is doing but For example:
"Slo-mo pinball sounds drift up, THUNK, THUNK, WHIR, CLICK, THUNK, as the cleaner tries and fails to negotiate the tangle of table and chair legs."
In my opinion the pinball sounds clarify what is going on under table without the "THUNK" etc.
Perhaps if Wendy was to come in on all the action and start attacking her as well? Kind of a present that has back fired. This will justifying why her father hasn't moved with the times. (Not suggesting everyone should have an irobot to in with the times, you know what I mean)
A bit of dialogue from Roy at the end didn't sound right to me "That'll learn ya" I'm not sure if thats a northern thing, but maybe "that'll teach ya"?
The title is what intrigued me to this "irobot" I can't help but point out but this has been used before, besides you not using the comma of course.
Either way I found this script enjoyable to read.
All the best
Lee |
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: November 7th, 2014, 4:26am |
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I don't think Asimov has been dead long enough to use iRobot without somebody saying something about it. I could be wrong... but there was a recent feature film with Will Smith too. It's been a pretty famous title in the world of Sci-Fi since the 1970s. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: November 7th, 2014, 4:32am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Hi LC/Lee, Thanks both for the reads and coments, much appreciated as awlays and glad you both liked it. LC - Formatting, typo's etc... apols, finished this on my iPad (so cut donw version od CeltX used) whilst on hols, so there's still a bit of tidying to do. Re the battle and upping it a little, yep agree, was trying to keep it believable and also leave it open that there is no sentience involved - just an old man who doesn't like technology... but the idea with the medals is great, will look to incorporate that. Both - iRobot as a title, yep there is at least one already, fairly famous too I used it for this because the lead company who make these vacuums is iRobot (www.irobot.com) and given one of their devices had inspired the idea... well seemed a little homage was in order. Of course, and as Lee mentions, it's also a little intriguing due it's familiarity. Lee - Point taken re pinball sounds, will reduce in script... had wanted to use the sounds as the iRobot's dialogue and that sequence sort of cheats on that a little, so will tidy up. Re Wendy, see where you are coming from but wanted to leave it as a lingering doubt that the iRobot is just making random sweeps and it's attack is in Roy's head... until the Terminator insired close of course. 'That'll learn ya'... yes, just a slang term... think it's origins are Norfolk but it's used in US too (so I'm led to believe), not grammatically correct of course but a little more colourful. Again many thanks for taking the time to comment. Anthony |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: November 7th, 2014, 4:35am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Hi Dustin... iRobot... as mentioned above it's the name of the company who make the vacuum's... and I think I'm right that you cannot copyright a title (at least that's what the Google searches suggest)... However, I'm not wedded to it... but then again, seems to be a talking point, maybe that's a good thing and will get some additional reads/script requests Anthony |
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LC |
Posted: November 7th, 2014, 4:39am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7581 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Further to what you just said, above, you're right. Character dialogue doesn't have to be grammatically correct. 'That'll learn ya' - I like, (and am familiar with) and, I think it suits Roy. |
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: November 7th, 2014, 4:59am |
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Hi Dustin... iRobot... as mentioned above it's the name of the company who make the vacuum's... and I think I'm right that you cannot copyright a title (at least that's what the Google searches suggest)...
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Yeah, you're right. It was I, Robot. That is pretty clever. |
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LeeOConnor |
Posted: November 7th, 2014, 6:20am |
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LocationUK Posts148 Posts Per Day 0.04 |
I quite like the title that LC suggested "IVac" |
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Athenian |
Posted: November 7th, 2014, 7:56am |
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January Project Group
Posts203 Posts Per Day 0.06 |
Hi Anthony,
Another well-written short by you. Mobile robot vs old dude with movement constraints is a pretty cool idea.
Libby gave you some great suggestions. Here are a couple additional thoughts:
- Initially, Roy ignores and diminishes the vac, but perhaps not to the degree that would warrant vengeful fury. What if he threw the package on the floor, for instance, causing minor damages to it? Or maybe he could hit it with his stick, unsatisfied with its performance.
- The ending is predictable - too common in thriller/horror stories to serve as a twist. Also, even if the vac is "alive", how could it threat Roy now that Wendy is there with him? Unless you are implying that Wendy, who is in a hurry, won't take the broken machine with her immediately. In that case, you should make it a little clearer.
Solid and enjoyable script, though. It would make an entertaining film.
Manolis |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: November 7th, 2014, 8:29am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Hi Manolis and thanks for the read, glad you liked the script/concept. Like the idea re throwing the package on the floor, will look to incorporate that. The end, agree but that's also the point, a comedic take on a genre staple... in my mind's eye a crippled robot vacuum coming back to life is absurdly funny - well hopefully Thanks Anthony |
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alffy |
Posted: November 8th, 2014, 4:00pm |
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Old Timer
LocationThe bleak North East, England Posts2187 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
Hey Anthony This was a nice little read and I really liked Roy and his nemsis; the iRobot. It was a funny little tale of old not embracing the new, but I did feel it was going to go somewhere it eventually didn't. I was half expecting so little pay off at the end but instead it was a simple conclusion. I'm not saying this is bad and maybe it's just me that was expecting something else? Anyway, I enjoyed this and that's all that matters I guess. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: November 8th, 2014, 8:08pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Hi Alffy and thanks for the read, really appreciated and glad you liked the scipt.
Intriqued to know where yo thought the script was going?
Thanks
Anthony |
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alffy |
Posted: November 9th, 2014, 3:03pm |
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Old Timer
LocationThe bleak North East, England Posts2187 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
I'm not sure where I thought it was going to go but it just left me thinking there should be more.
Still funny though. |
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Reply: 13 - 43 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: November 9th, 2014, 5:01pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Ah, shame though - thought you had an alternative ending for me to weave in Alffy Still, good that you think it's funny. Thanks Anthony |
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alffy |
Posted: November 10th, 2014, 3:24pm |
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Old Timer
LocationThe bleak North East, England Posts2187 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
Ah, shame though - thought you had an alternative ending for me to weave in Alffy |
Is that a challenge? lol Ok, what if the iRobot isn't a vacuum robot after all and is in fact a grass cutter which follows Roy up the hall, destroying his carpet as it goes? |
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Reply: 15 - 43 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: November 10th, 2014, 3:31pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
LOL - well the iRobot company do make them as well, may draw too many comparisons with King's 'Lawnmower Man' though Thanks Anthony |
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Reply: 16 - 43 |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: November 11th, 2014, 6:33am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.59 |
Hey Anthony,
Writing as I read and as my mad ideas appear in my head. Also not read other comments yet.
iRobot - A clever play on I Robot. Who knew that Issac Asimov would predict Apple's global technological world dominance?
The postman seems overly described for someone who's not quite a teen and (maybe) fairly new at his post. Is this needed for the story?
Ah, the paranoia of the elderly, I look forward to this mental state.
Although it takes 4 lines to describe Roy, I do love the imagery.
On my browser (Firefox version 33) there's big gaps between each scene. It may just be me but worth checking.
I don't trust those robot vacuum things. I think the new terminator movies are about them and rightly so!
Not sure about the note, maybe condense it a bit. Notes on screen are notoriously hard to read the longer they are. Is it needed at all?
I had to look up what Woodlouse means. It's a bit like a Woodlice. Has he said that because the design reminds him of this?
Page 5 - iRobot moms off. Should be moves off. Typos are the bane of my life, I can only spot typos other people make.
"A sinister SCUTTLING emanates from behind the cooker, a rat in armour, machinating." - I love this description.
"Smothered by the geriatric wrestler's body slam" - Great way to convey something quickly and concisely.
Wow that was great, I loved it. Having Roy so elderly and vulnerable made this all the more exciting. It depicted that generation's distrust of technology perfectly.
I do feel cheated as I wanted more; more of a cat and mouse game between Roy and iRobot. That's good as you want the audience to want more but it felt like this had just got going when it stopped.
But a very enjoyable read nonetheless and this would make an excellent short if produced.
Mark |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: November 11th, 2014, 2:00pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Hi Mark and thanks for the read and all the positive comments, really appreciated and really pleased you liked the script. Postman description, no maybe not, but i'm trying to beef up/improve parts of my writing and Postman is the opposite end of the spectrum in terms of age and attitude to Roy, so a little indulgence on my part. Bigs gaps and typos, think I've fixed all these now, and I'm the same, snow blind with my own work - eagle eyed when it't not mine I had one of the robot vacs a few years ago, an early http://www.irobot.com model, as a gadget freak I really liked it but it was a little like having a woodlouse/lice running round under your feet. Wanting more, well I was trying to keep it shortish to avoid it dragging, perhaps I could expand a little - will have a tinker. Now to find a producer! Cheers Anthony |
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datha |
Posted: November 12th, 2014, 3:26am |
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Posts38 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
Hi Anthony,
Here is my review...
After reading the logline twice (English is not my first language) I found it intriguing.
Sci-Fi, IRobot and 'fight to the death... over the kitchen table'... sounds interesting. Genre name, title and logline work together perfectly and make people curious about this story.
From the first line I can see that you are a good writer. And, obviously you know the screenplay format so, I will only talk about the story...
I liked your character description. Without Roy's good description, the story could suffer. His military connection was nicely done. I imagined him feeling like a solder on the battleground...
Angry old solder against IRobot!
And, even though I new where the story was moving, I still was very satisfied. In fact I wanted it to be ended like that.
I liked it all.
So, I had to read it twice in order to find something that I could talk about. And, I think I found something...
I was out of the story only once: when Roy reads the note...
The postman delivered a package in the morning from his daughter and... she was coming to check soon.
I said to myself: my post service does not work that fast!
And... that lead me to a suggestion:
what if Roy opens the package and reads: FROM WENDY! He calls out to his wife something like: Maggie. Your daughter sent as a package... But, Maggie does not respond. She's somewhere else - in another room.
The fight starts and at place of Wendy, Maggie enters in the room. She helps her husband and they argue if IRobot really attacked Roy...
I mean, in place of a daughter/Dad story, you could have husband/wife story. You could even make his wife a part in the fight...
I don't know, it's just another idea... Frankly, I like it the way you wrote it.
Thanks, datha |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: November 12th, 2014, 3:45pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Hi datha and many thanks for the read and the review - great that the script worked so well for you.
The UK post service (largely due to small size of the UK) does offer next day delivery, you pay more but many people will do so when sending items of value.
Thanks for the suggestion re Maggie, it's an idea and if I need to expand it I may consider something along those lines.
Cheers
Anthony |
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SAC |
Posted: November 12th, 2014, 4:34pm |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3201 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Anthony,
This was a decent story. You have a consistent tone throughout, and your characters seemed well thought out and colorful. Your dialogue was good. I could visualize this.
The only issues I have here is some of your phrasing seems a little off, and I feel you can cut back on your action just a tad. As is, it reads a little flowery. I'm at work, but if you want me to go into a little detail later on I will.
The irobot turning itself back on at the end is something we've seen before. Works for what it is, but a little contrived.
Overall, though, pretty good.
Steve |
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Reply: 21 - 43 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: November 12th, 2014, 4:51pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Hi Steve, thanks for the read and comments, appreciated as always.
If you get a chance later to give a couple of examples of the off phrasing and the flowery bits (a little intentional on my part), that'd be a great help.
Cheers
Anthony |
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Reply: 22 - 43 |
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SAC |
Posted: November 12th, 2014, 9:08pm |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3201 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Anthony,
Okay, continuing on from earlier.
Pg 1
Postman sighs and rummages in his pocket.
He holds up his ID badge.
-- Now, why is this on two separate lines when they could obviously be easily condensed into one. I know some people do this for effect, but for the effect of the postman holding up his badge?
Pg1 into 2 -- obvious formatting error as the name ROY at the bottom of page 1, but dialogue at top of page 2. Perhaps you didn't notice, or maybe this is just in the early stages.
Pg 4 - top
Reads.
-- might you want to say "It reads:" ? Just reads sounds a little awkward IMO.
Pg 4 - bottom
In the background, steam rises and the kettle switches off.
-- Is there a ghost in this house? AHA! LOL! Maybe there is. I missed that earlier. Am I to believe that iRobot has turned off the kettle?
Pg 5 -
Roy steps back in surprise, teetering unsteadily before remembering to use his stick.
-- Would sound much better like...
Roy steps back in surprise. He teeters unsteadily before remembering to use his stick.
-- not a great example, but at least I got rid of one "ing."
Pg 6
The table meets his grasping hands, he steadies himself.
-- Just reads awkward.
Pg 7
... effort etched on his face.
-- Just me, but I'd be a little more descriptive than that. Maybe "clenches his teeth" or something of that nature.
There are a couple more like that, but those are basically the ones I noticed most. Take it for what you will. Just my observations.
I must apologize, I think I misspoke when I said "flowery." The writing isn't really that, it's basically good but a little on the longish side in some spots.
And on second read, I actually enjoyed it a lot more. I think Wendy really adds a good measure of humor at the end. But the battle of Roy vs. iRobot, now that I think of it, reads very funny. Good job on this. Consider me turned.
Steve
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: November 13th, 2014, 2:31am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Hi Steve Thanks for expanding on these, appreciaated. Think I agree with most of these, will look to revise these examples a bit further. Kettle switching off, well UK kettles do switch themselves off when they get to boiling point, otherwise they'd just boil dry and most do it with a switching/clicking sound... US kettles different? And really glad that you liked it more second time round, thanks for turning Cheers Anthony |
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Jean-Pierre Chapoteau |
Posted: November 13th, 2014, 8:28am |
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New I write.
LocationAtlanta, GA Posts110 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
This was decent. I thought it had funny moments but overall I thought this could have played out in four pages.
I didn't see the reason for the the mailman at all. You introduced him and gave him lines as if he were going to play an intricate roll in the story. And the way he smiled when he walked off I thought he would have something to do with the robot malfunctioning. His whole character could be scrapped.
Your protag being a vet didn't have anything to do with the story either. I wish it played a part somehow.
Your title needs to change. iRobot is... well, you know. |
| I DON'T READ REVIEWS BEFORE I REVIEW!! |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: November 14th, 2014, 2:24am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Hi Jeanpierre and many thanks for the read. The mailman allows me to establish a little bit of Roy's charcter in advance and set up his daughter visiting later and him being a vet has a little more of a role in the latest draft. Title, well obviously it's a play on the film of a similar name (but not the same), but it's also the name of the company who make the vacuum's (www.irobot.com)... and it seems to be a good talking point too, so hopefully get me some more reads Many thanks Anthony |
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GregT |
Posted: November 14th, 2014, 9:12am |
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LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts37 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
This is very much in the same vein as something I uploaded to the site a couple of days ago (hopefully it'll get posted soon), and I completely understand what you're going for.
As it stands, it seems to me like a decent little writing exercise, something that a person could film themselves with the help of a couple of actors (and an i-vac willing to play the part, of course).
I agree with comments above about your descriptions being too long, I reckon a leaner version of the screenplay, with all of the main events untouched, could come in at about 5 pages.
I won't make any suggestions as to what could be added, but from this point you could either beef it up - weave some sybolism through it, play on the theme more (even something as small as a news report discussing the use of drones (I know, I said I wouldn't suggest anything)).
Or, you could strip it down, make it leaner and faster, and go for a wham-bam thank you m'am kinda short.
All the best.
Greg
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TomV |
Posted: November 14th, 2014, 10:58am |
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Posts18 Posts Per Day 0.01 |
I would like to see more description of Roy's domicile. We don't really know too much about him and I'm not satisfied to just see a cranky old man. Some old people are quite pleasant, why is Roy such a grump? I think you could cut the entire beginning and start with Roy opening the box and then focus on who Roy is and why he doesn't like the vacuum. I'm also not sure what this story is about. I was expecting a more defined result but it just seems like we are getting a slice of this guy's life. Also, is this vacuum 3 laws safe? -Tom
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Reply: 28 - 43 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: November 14th, 2014, 11:26am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Greg/Tom - many thanks for the reads and the thoughts, really appreciated. Greg - As I think I said in a previous response, kinda experimenting with the descriptions a little so thanks for your thoughts. I think the length of the film (rather than page length of script) would be pretty much unffected by streamlining descriptions but still tinkering with the script so we'll see. Tom - Agree some old people are nice, but nice characters are often a bit dull, so the scene with the post man is used to help establish Roy's cantankerous character in a show not tell kind of way. In terms of why he's a grump... I'm not convinced it's critical to have this level of depth in a short of this type, which is after all a comedy at heart. 3 Laws Safe - too funny, may try and weave that in somehow Many thanks Anthony |
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stevemiles |
Posted: November 15th, 2014, 4:43pm |
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January Project Group
Posts745 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
Hey Anthony, been meaning to get around to reading this for a while.
‘...liverspots and shaving nicks.’ Nice description.
I like the overall idea, just expected it to build to a more satisfying conclusion. Perhaps work more edge into Roy’s torment?
I’d almost want to draw more on the old soldier aspect. What if the machine were made in Germany/Japan (assuming Roy’s a WWII veteran) make this battle almost personal to poor old soldier Roy. Really send him over the edge with this thing scuttling around locked in ‘Deutsche’ mode and spouting German commands. Just a thought. Anyways, it’s a simple and fun idea and nicely characterized. For me it just needed a little more to make it pop.
Steve. |
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Reply: 30 - 43 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: November 15th, 2014, 7:22pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Hi Steve and thanks for the read and comments, appreciated.
I've altered and amended it a little based on SS feedback, so I think the conclusion may be a little better in latest version - including a little more on the soldier aspect.
A Made in Germany stamp on the box is certainly a possibility.
Cheers
Anthony |
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Reply: 31 - 43 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: December 7th, 2014, 8:03pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
iRobot just announced as a semi-finalist in Reel Writers Screenwriting Contest, winners announced 15th Dec - fingers crossed! |
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LeeOConnor |
Posted: December 8th, 2014, 7:58am |
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LocationUK Posts148 Posts Per Day 0.04 |
Well done for getting to the semi final, mate |
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Reply: 33 - 43 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: December 29th, 2014, 4:11pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
iRobot has just being annonced as a Finalist in Short Screenplay Contest run by Cherub Films.
Along with Second Chances by Dustin Bowcott...
Anthony
(It also ended up as a semi-finalist in Reel Writers comp) |
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Reply: 34 - 43 |
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: December 29th, 2014, 4:56pm |
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Reply: 35 - 43 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: December 29th, 2014, 5:35pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
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Reply: 36 - 43 |
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TonyDionisio |
Posted: December 31st, 2014, 12:52am |
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Been Around Damnit, get to the point!
LocationTennessee Posts768 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
Congrats fellas. Nice job indeed. |
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Reply: 37 - 43 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: December 31st, 2014, 2:06pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Ah well, have to content myself with a finalists spot, Dustin too...
Still two SS'ers in top 8 out of 320 entrants cant be bad! |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
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Reply: 38 - 43 |
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: December 31st, 2014, 2:27pm |
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Guest User
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Assholes... I mean, ah well, win some, lose some. |
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Logged |
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Reply: 39 - 43 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: December 31st, 2014, 2:49pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
LOL... I've had a 1st, 2nd, 3rd, finalist and semi-finalist this year, not gonna complain too much Woulda been nice to finish in the cash spots though, pay for a few more entry fees! |
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Reply: 40 - 43 |
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Colkurtz8 |
Posted: January 13th, 2015, 11:54am |
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Old Timer
Location--> Over There Posts1731 Posts Per Day 0.30 |
Anthony The Postman is young, late teens, acne scars still evident - but not fresh, uniform too starched and new, his first proper job, first month or two, maybe. - A lot of unfilmmable speculation going on here. I’m not bothered by it so much but others will be. “and superficially frail,” - This struck me as an odd description given he’s 80 years old. And reading on, he is indeed frail all over, inside and out, (hearing, sight, arthritis, balance) so why include “superficially”? POSTMAN Jeez. - Wouldn’t Postman be accustomed to Roy’s carry on by now thus his pikey signature method shouldn’t come as a surprise. Some serious line spacing going on between scenes, three lines at least! White space is our friend yes but not the needless kind Good intro to the Roy character nonetheless, your classic ornery octogenarian. Plus you have us wondering why he is so wary about associating himself with this mysterious package. With verbs like “heads through”, “ambles’ and “deft flicks” describing Roy’s actions (as well as putting his stick to one side) indicate that his frailty was all an act for the postman. Hence the “superficially” mention? ROY Bah, bloody rubbish. - Ok, so he didn’t actually order it. I thought his ignorance of the package was all part of his curmudgeonly distrust of the Postman. “wanders slowly, unsteadily,” - And now he’s back to frail old man again. Hard to pin this dude down, eh IROBOT Whir, click. - Is it actually saying these words or just making the sounds? “a rat in armour, machinating.” - Ha, I really liked this description. IROBOT O.S. Scuttle. Whir. Click. - So I can presume he is saying these words now? “Feigns cleaning the skirting again.” - I’m struggling to see how you visualize the feigning. Some CGI I suppose as opposed to clever editing which would’ve conveyed the effects up to now of the Robot avoiding Roy and essentially being anthropomorphized into a rat. A couple of chuckles in this as machine turns on man...or was Roy just misinterpreting the iRobot’s programmed vacuuming movements? Initially it was hard to know for sure but as I read on it it’s definitely implied that the circular gadget means treachery! Is out to fu?k with the old man! I did find though I was getting more amusement out of the turns of phrase you use to describe its maneuvers, which is testament to your writing, rather than the events it was depicting. It was all a bit silly and simplistic, a little too harmless. I remembered reading something similar on the boards recently which featured a wayward kettle that had a few more laughs in it, it pushed the concept a bit further, realized the absurdity and really exploited it. I feel you kind of pulled back a bit here and perhaps that was your intention, you wanted to keep it light. We got the rat comparison, the pinball antics under the table and chairs which I liked before Roy falls on it. Then his daughter comes home (who takes in the scene remarkably well considering) and it just ends with the prospect of the iRobot not been done quite yet. Like when the prostrate, bullet riddled villain’s eyes spring open as our hero hobble away. Nothing very new there. A decent concept, could make for an amusing short and to your credit you kept it brief. I do think its lacking a little push in the bizarre direction to fully utilize its potential. Have Roy totally lose his sh?t and destroy the house in his pursuit of it. Get the robot knocking stuff to thwart his efforts, go crazy! Col |
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Reply: 41 - 43 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: January 13th, 2015, 2:18pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Hey Col thanks for the comments, think this is a slightly old version of the script so some of your observations have been picked up in the revisions. I was going for a light man vs machine riff, in this case luddite geriatic vs mini terminator, so yes the end and the light coming back on was definitely homage to those sort of twists... though fairly sure not seen it done with a vacuum cleaner I'll double check the white space, certainly wasn't intended to be three lines of it. Feigns cleaning the skirting and the general movement of these sort of vacuums is very eratic and they constantly veer off and take unusual routes. Hopefully this can be achieved through editing alone. There's definitely a few stylistic/formatting liberties too, I think they enhance the read a little - though I agree some may not like em. The Whir, Click could be sounds... but Roy hears it as dialogue... for the viewer it depends on if you think that Roy is over reacting to the random movements of the unit, or that the unit is in fact alive... I hope this is left largely unresolved as I wanted it to be ambiguous. This adds to me AI Fridge, and the other writers kettle... oven is next Thanks as always for the read and notes. Anthony |
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Reply: 42 - 43 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: December 21st, 2018, 6:07am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
iRobot has been optioned, one of 8 optioned by the same producer. |
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Reply: 43 - 43 |
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