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You've used unkempt twice in descriptions of people and also used 'kept' in the description of a house. I think it would be better, aesthetically, if you changed those words up a bit.
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Alexander gingerly swings his legs over the bed and deftly
slips his feet into fluffy slippers.
I don't think 'gingerly' fits very well in this sentence. He carefully swings his legs over then deftly slips his feet into the slippers. If he is so deft, why be so ginger? It reads odd to me and I think you could lose the word 'gingerly' and not harm the action at all. However, if gingerly is important, and I can see that it might be, then perhaps slightly struggling to get in the slippers might be more apt?
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Holding the light is a slight of frame youth.
slight-of-frame... I had to read it a couple times to decipher it. Should YOUTH be uppercase? It may be better if you reword it.
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Surprisingly deft hands...
This is a 10 page script which is why I notice the use of deft again. I wasn't surprised that he has deft hands. Who is it surprising to? Be wary of telling the viewer/reader what they should be thinking. Surprisingly isn't a good word for a screenplay... unless it's in dialogue. Great in a novel... although they can be overused in those too.
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Ancient lottery ticket, pocketed... just in case.
Nice.
Yeah, in my short story the guy broke into a psycho's house.. but the psycho would deliberately leave his windows open and door unlocked just waiting for someone to come in.
Kyle/Dustin - many thanks for the reads and comments, really appreciated.
Kyle Like the idea for a slight extenstion of the intro, don't want to overplay Geoff but your idea may work. Also agree re the baseball bat, not very English, so may a croquet mallet or a hockey stick. Good call.
Many thanks and glad you liked,
Dustin Unkemmpt, gingerly, slight of frame/surprisingly - will have a look, think you are right in all cases.
Many thanks and glad you liked too, I had a similar thought re leaving wndows/doors open with this one, but dropped that when I decided to use Geoff as a catalyst.
Hey, Anthony. Great read. You really grabbed my attention with that bit about Agnes being excited that someone might have broken in, and of course the big twist at the end didn't disappoint. I liked it.
I might take a stab at putting a bit more into that first scene, though. Something to give us a sense of who Geoff and Baz are to each other. Did they just meet randomly and start up a conversation? If so, who innitiated it? Geoff? How did he approach his prey? Currently, it seems Geoff is too minor a character for the role he plays in this whole scheme. It took me a reread to even remember who he was when he showed up at the end. I think a bit more of him at the start could go a long way.
Hi Jared, many thanks for the read, really appreciated and really glad you liked it.
I've changed the first scene a little, Geoff has slightly more to sy for himself and he now subtly gives Baz a choice. It's not obvious and not a lot longer but I think it makes more sense and reads better without spoiling the reveal. (thanks to Kyle for the suggestion).
For 10 pages this read very quickly. I few things confused me though:
Why does Baz keep slipping in the kitchen? I thought you were going to reveal that he was standing in blood, but no. Also when he swings open the fridge door, it hits Alexander in the face. I imagined a small fridge (waist high) for some reason, so when it hit him in the face I wonder how Alexander was so low? Might just be me being confused here?
anyway I liked the ending but I did wonder how Baz knows Geoff and what he meant by 'papers' and the relation to his 'bones're aching'?
Good story though, and entertaining throughout.
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Hi alffy and thanks for the read, really appreciated.
Re fridge, I'd envisaged a combo fridge freezer, fridge top half so it would hit him in the face... I'll try make this clearer in the script.
So Baz is meant to be a poor, chav, drug addict... paper in this context means money and the bones aching are withdrawal symptoms... trying to add a little colour
Slipping in the kitchen, I think it was because it was dark... but kinda like the blood idea, may incorporate.
Pretty straight forward stuff, nothing wrong with that -- but it did feel like I was waiting for something ‘else’ to happen. Think Khamanna hit on an idea to parallel Baz’s addiction with their need for human flesh. Another dimension to keep the reader/viewer working.
I like the nod to Sawney Bean -- remember reading the legend of him and his cannibal clan a while back -- horrific stuff. The legend of Christie-Cleek is another good one too -- not as detailed, though perhaps in part a precursor to Sawney. His alleged method of capturing his victims would make for some good horror in itself.
All the best,
Steve
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
Nice job. Good idea. Couple points. If Geoffrey is recruiting, let him recruit. He gets a hefty man, not some skinny kid. He asks about family because he can't risk his life with someone who has folks who will care. I don't know about the UK, but in the US, criminals want an empty house because an occupied house might have an armed resident. Geoffrey might want to assure the criminal that the house is unoccupied. And he might alert the occupants that they might be invaded. Otherwise nice work. Keep it up
Hi Richard and thanks for the reads and thoughts, glad you liked...
He gets a skinny kid as addicts are often malnourished and deserate enough to take risks... not always but often, the occupied bit isn't quite the same here as no one has guns, burglars here often break in when people are asleep upstairs nd scarper when there's any noise. Of course may have to alter this if it ends up being filmed somewhere else.
Letting the occupants know, yep someone else made the same point, so I've fixed that in my current draft, thanks.
Right out of the gates I can tell you are a good writer. You got format down. And your descriptions are fantastic. Though some may find them a bit excessive...
I did have some confusion at the start when the voices are talking over black. I think it would have helped if you had specified whether the voices where male or female. I know we soon after discover who the voices are, but there still needs to be a mention about the sex of the voices are before they are identified.
As for the story, I like it. It's a sorta anti-home invasion thriller. And I liked the minor twist. nothing mind blowing, but a great way to tie it in with the start. I do feel this could have used a bit more violence. But that's just a personal taste. What violence there is is great.
You do a good job with your characters as well. Most of the dialog is great, tho I feel like some of Alexander's is a bit on the nose.
Overall good job. I'll keep an eye out for what you do next.