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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Bump in the Night Moderators: bert
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  Author    Bump in the Night  (currently 5496 views)
DustinBowcot
Posted: November 28th, 2014, 10:00am Report to Moderator
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You've used unkempt twice in descriptions of people and also used 'kept' in the description of a house. I think it would be better, aesthetically, if you changed those words up a bit.

Code

Alexander gingerly swings his legs over the bed and deftly
slips his feet into fluffy slippers.



I don't think 'gingerly' fits very well in this sentence. He carefully swings his legs over then deftly slips his feet into the slippers. If he is so deft, why be so ginger? It reads odd to me and I think you could lose the word 'gingerly' and not harm the action at all. However, if gingerly is important, and I can see that it might be, then perhaps slightly struggling to get in the slippers might be more apt?


Quoted Text
Holding the light is a slight of frame youth.


slight-of-frame... I had to read it a couple times to decipher it. Should YOUTH be uppercase? It may be better if you reword it.

Code

Surprisingly deft hands...



This is a 10 page script which is why I notice the use of deft again. I wasn't surprised that he has deft hands. Who is it surprising to? Be wary of telling the viewer/reader what they should be thinking. Surprisingly isn't a good word for a screenplay... unless it's in dialogue. Great in a novel... although they can be overused in those too.

Code

Ancient lottery ticket, pocketed... just in case.


Nice.


Yeah, in my short story the guy broke into a psycho's house.. but the psycho would deliberately leave his windows open and door unlocked just waiting for someone to come in.

Nice short... works for me.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: November 28th, 2014, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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Kyle/Dustin - many thanks for the reads and comments, really appreciated.

Kyle
Like the idea for a slight extenstion of the intro, don't want to overplay Geoff but your idea may work. Also agree re the baseball bat, not very English, so may a croquet mallet or a hockey stick. Good call.

Many thanks and glad you liked,

Dustin
Unkemmpt, gingerly, slight of frame/surprisingly - will have a look, think you are right in all cases.

Many thanks and glad you liked too, I had a similar thought re leaving wndows/doors open with this one, but dropped that when I decided to use Geoff as a catalyst.

Cheers

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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DustinBowcot
Posted: November 28th, 2014, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
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I think stealthily would be a better fit than gingerly. When I read gingerly I see an old man cautiously moving his legs maybe because of age.

All aesthetic anyway... the script works fine as is.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: November 28th, 2014, 4:47pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Dustin, went the other way and kept gingerly but switched deftly out, mkes for a better fit later when Baz gets the better of him.

Many thanks


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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jofferhall
Posted: December 1st, 2014, 8:46pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Anthony. Great read. You really grabbed my attention with that bit about Agnes being excited that someone might have broken in, and of course the big twist at the end didn't disappoint. I liked it.

I might take a stab at putting a bit more into that first scene, though. Something to give us a sense of who Geoff and Baz are to each other. Did they just meet randomly and start up a conversation? If so, who innitiated it? Geoff? How did he approach his prey? Currently, it seems Geoff is too minor a character for the role he plays in this whole scheme. It took me a reread to even remember who he was when he showed up at the end. I think a bit more of him at the start could go a long way.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: December 2nd, 2014, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Jared, many thanks for the read, really appreciated and really glad you liked it.

I've changed the first scene a little, Geoff has slightly more to sy for himself and he now subtly gives Baz a choice. It's not obvious and not a lot longer but I think it makes more sense and reads better without spoiling the reveal. (thanks to Kyle for the suggestion).

Thanks

Anthony




Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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alffy
Posted: December 3rd, 2014, 4:05pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Anthony

For 10 pages this read very quickly.  I few things confused me though:

Why does Baz keep slipping in the kitchen?  I thought you were going to reveal that he was standing in blood, but no.  Also when he swings open the fridge door, it hits Alexander in the face.  I imagined a small fridge (waist high) for some reason, so when it hit him in the face I wonder how Alexander was so low?  Might just be me being confused here?

anyway I liked the ending but I did wonder how Baz knows Geoff and what he meant by 'papers' and the relation to his 'bones're aching'?

Good story though, and entertaining throughout.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: December 3rd, 2014, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
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Hi alffy and thanks for the read, really appreciated.

Re fridge, I'd envisaged a combo fridge freezer, fridge top half so it would hit him in the face... I'll try make this clearer in the script.

So Baz is meant to be a poor, chav, drug addict... paper in this context means money and the bones aching are withdrawal symptoms... trying to add a little colour

Slipping in the kitchen, I think it was because it was dark... but kinda like the blood idea, may incorporate.

Glad you liked the script overall.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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stevemiles
Posted: December 5th, 2014, 1:04am Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

Pretty straight forward stuff, nothing wrong with that -- but it did feel like I was waiting for something ‘else’ to happen.  Think Khamanna hit on an idea to parallel Baz’s addiction with their need for human flesh.  Another dimension to keep the reader/viewer working.

I like the nod to Sawney Bean -- remember reading the legend of him and his cannibal clan a while back -- horrific stuff.  The legend of Christie-Cleek is another good one too -- not as detailed, though perhaps in part a precursor to Sawney.  His alleged method of capturing his victims would make for some good horror in itself.

All the best,

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: December 6th, 2014, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Steve - appreciated.

I like the Christie-Cleek  tale too, his hook would be great on film

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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RichardR
Posted: December 6th, 2014, 9:45pm Report to Moderator
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Nice job. Good idea. Couple points. If Geoffrey is recruiting, let him recruit. He gets a hefty man, not some skinny kid. He asks about family because he can't risk his life with someone who has folks who will care.   I don't know about the UK, but in the US, criminals want an empty house because an occupied house might have an armed resident. Geoffrey might want to assure the criminal that the house is unoccupied. And he might alert the occupants that they might be invaded. Otherwise nice work. Keep it up
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: December 7th, 2014, 11:13am Report to Moderator
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Hi Richard and thanks for the reads and thoughts, glad you liked...

He gets a skinny kid as addicts are often malnourished and deserate enough to take risks... not always but often, the occupied bit isn't quite the same here as no one has guns, burglars here often break in when people are asleep upstairs nd scarper when there's any noise. Of course may have to alter this if it ends up being filmed somewhere else.

Letting the occupants know, yep someone else made the same point, so I've fixed that in my current draft, thanks.

Cheers

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Zack
Posted: December 10th, 2014, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Anthony, wanted to return the read.

Right out of the gates I can tell you are a good writer. You got format down. And your descriptions are fantastic. Though some may find them a bit excessive...

I did have some confusion at the start when the voices are talking over black. I think it would have helped if you had specified whether the voices where male or female. I know we soon after discover who the voices are,  but there still needs to be a mention about the sex of the voices are before they are identified.

As for the story, I like it. It's a sorta anti-home invasion thriller. And I liked the minor twist. nothing mind blowing, but a great way to tie it in with the start. I do feel this could have used a bit more violence. But that's just a personal taste. What violence there is is great.

You do a good job with your characters as well. Most of the dialog is great, tho I feel like some of Alexander's is a bit on the nose.

Overall good job. I'll keep an eye out for what you do next.

~Zack~

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Zack  -  December 10th, 2014, 5:12pm
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: December 10th, 2014, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the read Zack and really appreciate the comments...

You'll be pleased to know that in my new version the voices over black are called out as male and female.

I'll have another look at Alexanders dialogue, my dialogue is getting better, but still far from perfect.

Most of my other shorts are on here, Graft and iRobot are the other recent ones.

Many thanks

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 11th, 2018, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
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This has been picked up for a Horror anthology along with Twisted Smile...  


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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