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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Jessup - In Production - Teaser Trailer Up Moderators: bert
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  Author    Jessup - In Production - Teaser Trailer Up  (currently 3525 views)
Don
Posted: January 8th, 2015, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Jessup by Mark Lyons - Short, Drama - After an outburst at work, a young man obsessed with control is ordered to see a therapist, who might just be as equally manipulative as he is. 11 pages - pdf, format

If you have some spare coin to throw their way...






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Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  May 6th, 2017, 1:43pm
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LC
Posted: January 9th, 2015, 3:10am Report to Moderator
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Really nice blend of simmering confrontation and quietly combative leading character and antag from the outset. And you've already got me saying 'ewww' with the description of the soda and the spittle. Not to mention what comes later...

But, where's the description of your main character, at least? (See below)

This is a terrific story but I think it could be even better if you up the stakes.

The one thing I would have liked to see is if Jessup had actually done something really horrible or highly questionable on the job. He's being called in for what? Insubordination? Right, reading on he had an 'outburst' and yelled/called his supervisor out over something, yet this will be overlooked if he has some counseling due to the fact he's a valued employee. That doesn't seem that big a deal really.

Take it a step further even if your audience never actually knows what this terrible deed is.

I picture part of this guy's M.O. would be in manipulating and getting one over those weaker than he is - in particular females - perhaps some sexual harassment - or worse even (ramp up the stakes - perhaps an alleged rape or act of indecency/assault) so that his job is really on the line. Whatever it is make it bad, even if it's only alluded to. I also wonder if it would another dimension if Simplot were in fact a female or if the supervisor (who we don't ever see) is female.

Likewise when Simplot is trying to intimidate Jessup but failing perhaps Simplot pulls something out of his hat. This would further ramp up the tension/battle of wits and thereby make Jessup's need for revenge (and what he does at the end) more potent and justified.  Perhaps Simplot holds a trump-card or at least pretends to have some info on Jessup that no one else knows about - this would really threaten Jessup - doctors can often subpoena records and if he's been in trouble in the past then this info wouldn't be hard for him to come by.

Jessup sits quiet, but the anger might slowly be building in
his eyes.


Apart from not being fond of the 'might' in description I got no sense at all that Jessup was feeling threatened at this early point. I think it's best to wait on that until something really threatening is in fact revealed. Perhaps give this guy a (show) instead of (tell) here - maybe a nervous twitch - something subtle that with time gets worse or becomes more noticeable.

Likewise on  p6 I'm not sure you should have 'the anger rises again in jessup' - Like I said at this point I still picture him pretty cool.  Simplot is the one who appears rattled.

Jessup reveals to Simplot exactly who is in relaying how he manipulated and bullied his own mother but perhaps if it was a worse recounting of events. Unless he's not revealing all of the story... Make sense? Make him dangerous.

Your story definitely packs a punch due to the rather gratuitous scene at the end. Your main character is obnoxious and possibly a sociopath and he sets out to get one over the other guy but I think this would be far more effective if there was more at stake for Jessup which would in turn justify what he does at the end.

A couple of issues of phrasing for me but I think this is probably a personal style thing.

This one:

'Pop runs straight through me anymore'

I think the word 'anymore' is superfluous - if you're referring to the character's inability to control his bladder at a previous time - in other words he doesn't have that control anymore then it could be reworded to reflect that.

How does having better supervisors make his (Jessup's) tasks more important? I don't get that?

'gone in a heartbeat' is enough if you ask me without the pre-qualification of 'not even'.

If you can't start controlling 'these tantrums' or 'your temper' instead of 'your tantrums' - I dunno - maybe personal choice again.

'You're a young kid' would suffice as 'kid' or 'you're just a kid' - sounds even more condescending without the 'young' ironically, least imh.

'You're a crybaby.  You're a crybaby in all sense of the word.' - 'every sense of the word.'

'You're a disgusting drinker' - I suppose this says it all but perhaps Jessup would be a little more articulate - something like: 'you clearly have issues with personal hygiene and your table manners belong in the gutter. Just a suggestion.

Also, I pictured Jessup just a little bit older - I don't know perhaps a little more life experience under his belt to reflect his conniving manipulative ways. And, some description of him would be good as I said above - you've got none at the moment.  

As an aside to the above - I just finished watching The Fall - terrific series about a psychotic murderer/rapist. The lead role features Jamie Dornan - soon to be seen in Fifty Shades Of Grey - (which I will not be rushing to see btw) but the interesting point is that the character and casting of him is polar opposite of your stereotypical 'bad guy'. Usually bad guys are depicted as 'ugly on the inside, ugly on the outside' - this guy has matinée good looks and it works for the part and is mentioned in the story. How could someone this good looking be such a monster? You get the gist - I'm interested in how you picture your apprentice sociopath.

Love the final 'Am I pressing any buttons' line. The double entendre is terrific. Great finish!




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LC  -  January 9th, 2015, 3:27am
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rc1107
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Thanks, LC, for taking a look at this!  I'll respond as soon as I get back from some running around.  I just wanted to post before it slips down the portal and I lose it forever.

- Mark


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Stumpzian
Posted: January 10th, 2015, 6:01pm Report to Moderator
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First, this is a good one. Smartly handled. You clearly know what you're doing.

Second, my main objection: Mr. Simplot should be identified as a "company" counselor. He in no way behaves as a licensed therapist would. Even a dysfunctional therapist (and they're out there) would not approach a client in this manner. BUT -- if he works for the company, I can see it. The Macy's psychologist in the '47 "Miracle on 34th Street" comes to mind (Mr. Sawyer).

I don't agree that Jessup's transgression should be bigger. What he did is the appropriate level for a referral of this kind. A sexual offense? He'd be out. No story.

Small stuff: The use of "anymore" is regional. It always sounds off to me when people say it, but it IS used that way.  Like Pop and Soda. But for those who haven't heard it, maybe best to change,

Very entertaining. Of course, some actor's going to have to pretend to rub his face in pee-pee.

Henry



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LC
Posted: January 10th, 2015, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Stumpzian
I don't agree that Jessup's transgression should be bigger. What he did is the appropriate level for a referral of this kind. A sexual offense? He'd be out.


Hmm, you're probably right. I still think not knowing exactly what Jessup is guilty of but alluding to the fact it wasn't nice (i.e., something a little more sinister than an outburst) might add another dimension. A quietly powerful piece nonetheless.



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RichardR
Posted: January 10th, 2015, 10:27pm Report to Moderator
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Mark

Take all comments with a grain of salt.

First, nice job. You manage to set up a good little battle here.  However, I have a few nits. First, in most cases, coincindence should not favor the protagonist.  The spittle and the urine are coincidental and hence not part of his plan. What happens if they're not there?  If he wants to walk away with a sabbatical, he should have a plan going in. Generally, coincidence works against the protagonist.

That doesn't mean he can't use urine. It just should be his own. He can lie about that. And he can get DNA from the can without all the spittle.

Beyond that, in this game of tit for tat I think you might consider more reversals. Yes he removes the cassette (and I'm not sure the machine would work without a tape inside), but simplot has backup.  Jessup disables that and simplot has another.  Eventually, Jessup has the last laugh, but it shouldn't be easy.  Keep us guessing.

Good job

Best
Richard
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LC
Posted: January 10th, 2015, 11:08pm Report to Moderator
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Richard, great insight about coincidence favouring the protagonist. It does appear a little convenient.

I suppose the way around this is to have a line where this is not Jessup and Simplot's first session. That'd take care of that.

This guy is a sociopath (least that's my impression) at the very least he has an antisocial personality disorder - I wonder what he would have done as an alternative. I don't think lying about the urine would work - DNA of the sputum and the urine could surely be isolated from the source?

Plus it would defeat the yuk factor and the glorious visual if Jessup used his own.  

Anyway, just wanted to say good observation Richard and now I'll back off and let Mark do the responding...  


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Stumpzian
Posted: January 10th, 2015, 11:17pm Report to Moderator
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No no no no...this doesn't depend on coincidence...Jessup's an opportunist. He took advantage of  Simplot's trip to the bathroom. Hence, the story. If not that, he would've done something else. But THIS is the story.



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LC
Posted: January 11th, 2015, 2:51am Report to Moderator
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I know I said I wouldn't but... Henry's comment prompted more thought. I'm inclined to agree the character of Jessup would've found a way no matter what.

Having said that I'll be considering the point Richard made when creating characters and scenarios.


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rc1107
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Damn it, I suck at technology.  I was trying to figure out how to embed a video (of course I did it wrong) and I ended up deleting my whole post!

As soon as I get back from today's running around, I'll write it out again and get back to everybody.

Thank you all for checking it out!

- Mark


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RichardR
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I fully agree that jesssup is an opportunist.  That's his persona and charm. That he uses the urine isn't a problem. That it works is what I question. The opportunist doesn't find the key to the lock in the corner of his cell.  Of course, if his first gambit fails,  he'll try something else and eventually succeed.  Not because he luckily found something but because he leverages simplot in a way that exploits simplot' weaknesses.  The prisoner escapes when he fashions a key from the chicken bone the guard tosses in scorn or the bone from the finger he rips from his hand.

I will apologize in advance if I have misread the characters and story.  I think the piece would be stronger if finding the urine doesn't work and forces jesssup to attack from a different angle.

Best
Richard
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rc1107
Posted: January 12th, 2015, 8:27am Report to Moderator
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Hello again.  Sorry for such the delayed responses.

I just wanted to say that Libby hit the nail on the head about me not giving a proper character description.  But I have an excuse this time!  'Jessup' was actually written for a specific actor who wanted to use a couple scenes for his acting reel.  So I suppose when I wrote this, I skipped over his decription, already knowing what the actor looked like.  I should've went back and put in more of a description when I decided to post it here on SS.

He actually did end up filming the script and did use a couple snippets of the screenplay in his reel.  Here it is:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YOtn2-avAnQ

The 'Jessup' cuts begin at 0:21 and end at 0:51.

Sorry I didn't embed it.  That's what I was having trouble with yesterday and ended up deleting my whole post to everybody.  I'll figure it out and edit it at some point.

But I just wanted to post the reel up so people could get a drift of Jessup and see if that's somewhat what everybody had in their head while reading.

Now...  Onto the questions and debates...


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LC
Posted: January 12th, 2015, 9:32am Report to Moderator
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rc1107
Posted: January 12th, 2015, 9:43am Report to Moderator
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Showoff.


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LC
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Quoted from rc1107
Showoff.

You just cracked me up so much. It took me three goes too... So don't feel bad.



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