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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Simpatico Moderators: bert
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: January 29th, 2015, 3:45am Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed it, Libby.

Most of the things I felt have been dealt with elsewhere.

Overall feeling: Very well written, with good wit and energy...somewhat underwhelming conclusion.

I felt that after 20 minutes the audience needed something "bigger" to help the story stand out from the competing pack (I'm imagining watching this in a festival).

I felt the Chad/Melissa ending significantly undercut the previous scene, taking it from an emotional high to a feeling of being underwhelmed. At the very least you should consider switching the order those scenes are presented. Show that Cad and Melissa are too caught up in themselves to fall in love, but then finish with Ann and Bob.

The last few seconds of a film are really critical...it's the emotion that the audience are left with...and that's how they feel about the film overall. A mediocre film with a strong ending will be remembered more fondly than a great film with a mediocre ending.

I think you need either something very leftfield...(Some crazy "Let's all have an orgy" type vibe) or I would go the whole hog with the happy ending and have them all fall madly in love...with the other pair. So Bob and Melissa end up together and so do Ann and Chad.

The script feels a bit like it's hedging its bets at the moment...like it doesn't want to commit to one thing or the other. That's OK for a very realistic, arty type story, but I don't think it fully suits the material here.

Just my opinion. Good stuff, as usual, Libs.

Rick
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alffy
Posted: January 30th, 2015, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hey LC

You've got plenty of feedback so I'll keep my thoughts short and sweet.

The intercut between the two conversations works really well throughout and the dialogue was top notch. I found it to be very entertaining and the 20 pages flew by, though I almost missed the last page lol.

I really enjoyed the story itself too.  I liked how Ann and Bob got together; the quiet ones always find love

I've not really anything else to say, sorry.  I don't have any real issues so this review is little more than praise and not entirely useful lol.  I'm sure you've got some useful tips from previous comments; I've not read them.

Good work.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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LC
Posted: February 2nd, 2015, 2:47am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr.Ripley
I really liked this. The only thing I will suggest is to make the intercuts between the two pairs... better.I mean, I was able to visualize it all but someone might complain it got a bit confusing. Lol.

But you weren't confused were you? That's rhetorical. I think it works well. Who knows what might happen in a shooting script.

Quoted from AKA Gabe
That's all I got to say. It's really good. Talking about finding your soulmate. Lol.

Glad you enjoyed it! Thanks for input Gabe, much appreciated.


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JimiLamp
Posted: February 3rd, 2015, 6:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hi LC,

Really enjoyed this. The 20 or so pages breezed by. I thought the dialogue was great. Natural. Got a strong sense of each character in a short period of time.

Also thought you handled the intercutting well. Once the setting and characters were established, I had no problem keeping up. In fact, I would imagine trying a few different angles would probably lead to things getting more confusing, "stilted" - had to do it - and add unneeded pages.

Don't have too much to add in ways of critique. Thought the writing was quite solid.

My only gripe would be the ending with Ann and Bob. I personally would have liked them to have had their moment - notice the mistletoe - then go for a more restrained kiss. Maybe a little awkward. Adding a little more subtlety and tension. That's how I imagine their interaction based on what I picked up from their personalities. Although, I can see, based on their previous, individual conversations, that going for the second deep kiss is cute and kinda funny. For me, it felt a bit off.

Just a subjective opinion. Certainly still works as is.

Great work, LC.

Look forward to Stilts. Love the title. Already a little creeped out.

Best of luck.
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LC
Posted: February 4th, 2015, 3:05am Report to Moderator
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Rick, thanks so much for giving this a read.


Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
... Overall feeling: Very well written, with good wit and energy...

Thank you, good to hear.

Quoted from Rick
... somewhat underwhelming conclusion.... I felt that after 20 minutes the audience needed something "bigger" to help the story stand out from the competing pack (I'm imagining watching this in a festival).I felt the Chad/Melissa ending significantly undercut the previous scene,

Point taken. Quite a bit of the feedback suggests you're not alone with this opinion. Rather ironic that I added that final scene at the suggestion of another reader who felt the Chad and Melissa thread was crying out for a post-script.

Quoted from Rick
... taking it from an emotional high to a feeling of being underwhelmed. At the very least you should consider switching the order those scenes are presented.

I've changed the current draft so the Chad and Melissa scene rolls over the credits. I think that may work but then again perhaps it might come out altogether. Switching the scenes didn't work so well momentum wise.

Quoted from Rick
The last few seconds of a film are really critical...I think you need either something very leftfield...(Some crazy "Let's all have an orgy" type vibe) or...

I absolutely agree with you on the first point... I'm not sold on an 'orgy type vibe' though.    It might tip it over into farcical romp territory - which would amuse some audiences I suppose... I do see what you're saying re the tone of this and satisfying the audience.

Quoted from Rick
The script feels a bit like it's hedging its bets at the moment...like it doesn't want to commit to one thing or the other. That's OK for a very realistic, arty type story, but I don't think it fully suits the material here.

Hedging. You think? Oh, you mean with Melissa and Chad? In that regard, you're right it does. Both couples with happy endings I thought might leave an audience groaning. I went with Steve's earlier advice and tweaked Ann and Bob's big moment - not too much but just a bit, so hopefully that'll give it a more self assured and satisfying denouement. I rather liked leaving it open as far as Melissa and Chad went because they're both so sure of themselves.

Quoted from Rick
Just my opinion. Good stuff, as usual, Libs.

I really appreciate you weighing in on this Rick. Your comments are always very insightful and you have a knack of analyzing a story - I said as much last OWC - so thanks again.

P.S. I hope you're getting some interest with Deep In The Bone, that was a cracker.  


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LC
Posted: February 4th, 2015, 3:21am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from alffy
Hey LC You've got plenty of feedback so I'll keep my thoughts short and sweet.

Thanks Alffy. I appreciate you giving this a once over.


Quoted from alffy
The intercut between the two conversations works really well throughout and the dialogue was top notch. I found it to be very entertaining and the 20 pages flew by,


Another fan of the intercut - heartening and consolidating to hear, thanks. Glad you found the dialogue easy on the ear too.


Quoted from alffy
though I almost missed the last page lol.

Yep, it wasn't good where that page fell. I've since corrected it in the new draft, yet to put up.


Quoted from alffy
I've not really anything else to say, sorry.  I don't have any real issues so this review is little more than praise and not entirely useful lol. Good work.

I dunno, praise is always nice   and I'm happy nothing really stuck out for you as an issue. Proof will always be in the pudding of course... I really appreciate you taking time out to give this a read and your opinion, so thanks Alffy.


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LC
Posted: February 4th, 2015, 4:28am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Jimi
...Really enjoyed this. The 20 or so pages breezed by. I thought the dialogue was great. Natural. Got a strong sense of each character in a short period of time.Thought the writing was quite solid.

Thanks so much Jimi. Glad it was all pretty smooth for you.

Quoted from Jimi
... I would imagine trying a few different angles would probably lead to things getting more confusing, "stilted" - had to do it - and add unneeded pages.

Ha, ha, good pun. My thinking too. I tried it the 'correct' way - (least to some) and it didn't read well. The page count would have been a big bloat too, you're right.

I paraphrased your other main point below - hope you don't mind.


Quoted from Jimi
... My only gripe would be the ending with Ann and Bob. I personally would have liked a more restrained kiss... Felt a bit off...  Adding a little more subtlety and tension. That's how I imagine their interaction... Just a subjective opinion. Certainly still works as is.


I think larger than life applies here. I'll go even so far as to say I've actually known this kind of instant attraction/lust to happen, so while I appreciate it won't appeal to everyone I think it's not outside the realms of reality. The 'kiss' is what it's all about after all is said and done and it's also the feel good moment so...


Quoted from Jimi
Look forward to Stilts. Love the title. Already a little creeped out.

Well that's nice to hear. Now I've just got to hope the script lives up to its name. I had it done then it went back to the drawing board and now it's looking okay again - with a few tweaks. Depending on the announcement I might hold it back till after the OWC though. Sorry to drag out the suspense. Thanks again Jimi.


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Colkurtz8
Posted: February 13th, 2015, 8:04am Report to Moderator
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Libby

I don’t know why but I always thought you were American. The use of “mate” and “arse” suggests British though. Of course you could still be from the US and just choosing to write with this vernacular.

“Chad is conventionally handsome in a ken-doll way,”

- Good description. I must use “ken doll handsome” sometime in the future.

ANN
So, was he a good kisser?
Melissa scrunches her face up.

- Chad possesses “infinitely kissable” lips but can’t put them to use properly. Dang, if he only
knew what he had!

MELISSA
That’s a prefeminist
myth perpetuated by our
grandmothers to stop us tarting
around.

- Great line.

“He tucks the g-string back into his pocket.”

- I love the fact that he has pulled this intimate item of clothing from his pocket in a bar and its never acknowledged. He’s just casually carrying it around with him for such a demonstration.

I was engaged with this all the way through even of the sometimes perfunctory dialogue cast me adrift. I mean, there is nothing new or fresh in the character’s pontifications. We've heard it all before; men from Mars/woman from Venus type attitudes, looking for meaningful relationships past the ephemeral gratification of sex, the ever ticking biological clock, lust v love, looks v personality etc.

However, there was enough naturalism and lightness of touch in there to keep me reading and I did enjoy the intercutting back and forth. How you intertwined the conversation topically, gauging the opposing interpretations and reactions of Chad and Melissa in particular. I often have concurrent scenes going on in my scripts so I responded to that aspect. It was well crafted.

The ending, as they say, can make or break a film and I enjoyed this. I didn’t anticipate Ann and Bob would get together until Chad and Melissa went to their respective bathrooms, so basically the penny dropped for me right when you wanted it to. Some will probably see it before then; I’m usually slow with these things. Hence, it worked for me.

I dug the opposing developments in the final scenes too; Ann and Bob immediately kissing (mistletoe or not) and feeling totally at ease with one another could have oozed saccharine sentimentality but you had set it up earlier and it transpired like that for a reason. It functions on a thematic level rather than it just being a cheap, manipulative happy ending… Meanwhile, Chad and Melissa fuss over the superficialities in front of the mirror when we know that inside, beyond the aesthetics, there is nothing between them, especially for Chad. It’s all false projections and surfaces, doomed to never last. Good job with that.

It might interesting to change the gender roles too given the more liberated, (supposed) equality driven times we live in. Too long has the woman been portrayed as the clinging “you’re my last hope” archetype (especially when they reach a certain age) while the man is more blasé, aimless, less inclined to commit and only out of sex. That could be worth flipping on its head with Chad assuming Melissa traits and vice-versa. Just a suggestion.

Anyway, overall I warmed to this as I read. It’s interesting to see someone have the confidence and bravery to just focus on characters talking in rooms. As traditionally un-cinematic as that sounds, it can be compelling and viscerally enthralling (like a well choreographed actions scene) when those characters have something to say. Like I said, this threads somewhat over familiar old ground but I certainly admire and applaud the effort (without meaning to sound like a condescending prick, sorry).

Col.


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DustinBowcot
Posted: February 13th, 2015, 8:38am Report to Moderator
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I always thought she was an Ozzie.
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LC
Posted: February 15th, 2015, 5:28am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from man of many monikers
I don’t know why but I always thought you were American. The use of “mate” and “arse” suggests British though.

Dustin hit the nail on the head - mind you my writing is sometimes influenced by he who keeps me warm at night. He hails from up your way - not Thailand - the other place, and the one next door, so... Perhaps I'm inadvertently developing some weird cross-cultural thing. However, I will always spell arse the correct way.  

Thanks for the complimentary remarks re the dialogue. It's always nice when things go down smoothly.

Re: the Ken-doll description - I have a male friend who is the epitome of Ken. His hair is so perfectly coiffed he does that little air kiss thing for fear his hair will be messed up... and he's straight as a die too.


Quoted from Col
I love the fact that he has pulled this intimate item of clothing from his pocket in a bar and its never acknowledged. He’s just casually carrying it around with him for such a demonstration.

Thanks, glad you liked that. Actually, you're the only one to mention it. I've changed the ending slightly when Chad and Melissa are in the restrooms and I deliberated over him accidentally pulling the g-string from his pocket with his comb - to top n tail that, but I've left it alone at this point. It could be overkill. Of course, trust your keen eye to remember it being there and then not reappear.

Quoted from Col
I was engaged with this all the way through even of the sometimes perfunctory dialogue cast me adrift... There was enough naturalism and lightness of touch... and I did enjoy the intercutting back and forth. How you intertwined the conversation topically, gauging the opposing interpretations and reactions of Chad and Melissa in particular. I often have concurrent scenes going on in my scripts so I responded to that aspect. It was well crafted.

Thankyou! The 'he said, she said' thing was indeed the objective. And don't think I'm not crafty enough to notice how you inveigled yourself in the compliment you just paid me.   Just kidding, I have noticed that same trademark in your writing.

Quoted from Col
The ending, as they say, can make or break a film and I enjoyed this. I didn’t anticipate Ann and Bob would get together until Chad and Melissa went to their respective bathrooms, so basically the penny dropped for me right when you wanted it to. Some will probably see it before then; I’m usually slow with these things. Hence, it worked for me.

Excellent. I'm with you. I'm often a little, shall we say, surprised too. I think enough people won't see it coming - I hope so anyway.


Quoted from Col
I dug the opposing developments in the final scenes too; Ann and Bob immediately kissing (mistletoe or not) and feeling totally at ease with one another could have oozed saccharine sentimentality but you had set it up earlier and it transpired like that for a reason. It functions on a thematic level rather than it just being a cheap, manipulative happy ending…

Good to hear. Yes, in no way did I want the denouement to appear like emotional manipulation but like I've said previously I think there's plenty of realism here too - love at first sight and instant physical intimacy does sometimes happen. Nothing wrong with giving an audience a feel good ending either imh.


Quoted Text
Meanwhile, Chad and Melissa fuss over the superficialities... when we know that inside, beyond the aesthetics, there is nothing between them, especially for Chad... It’s all false projections and surfaces, doomed to never last. Good job with that.

Could be perceived that way - it's definitely the way I set up Chad's character - one foot out the door, always thinking something/someone better will come along, though I hope a few pieces of his dialogue point to the fact he's not too black and white.


Quoted from Col
It might interesting to change the gender roles too given the more liberated, (supposed) equality driven times we live in. Too long has the woman been portrayed as the clinging “you’re my last hope” archetype (especially when they reach a certain age) while the man is more blasé, aimless, less inclined to commit and only out of sex. That could be worth flipping on its head with Chad assuming Melissa traits and vice-versa. Just a suggestion.

I did give that some thought but much I hate to say it I've too many girlfriends who fit Melissa's mould - this actually was inspired by a conversation I had with a 'disappointed' girlfriend - plus I feared the male character with these traits could come across as whiny and could be unlikable.  I know to a degree I'm presenting stereotypes but I also tried to show contradictions and complexities within these characters too cause none of us is ever that cut n dried - hmm, maybe in our late teens and early twenties we know it all, but beyond that age I don't think so.

Quoted from Col
Anyway, overall I warmed to this as I read. It’s interesting to see someone have the confidence and bravery to just focus on characters talking in rooms.
Yay, I'm glad you feel this way. Woody Allen's been doing it for yonks and I'm not suggesting I come anywhere near close but I'm quite a fan of dialogue driven material and this pretty much wrote itself - and that's not something that happens everyday.


Quoted from Col
As traditionally un-cinematic as that sounds, it can be compelling and viscerally enthralling (like a well choreographed action scene) when those characters have something to say.

Very well said! If only I could come half way close to achieving that definition.


Quoted from Col
Like I said, this threads somewhat over familiar old ground but I certainly admire and applaud the effort (without meaning to sound like a condescending prick, sorry).


Hmm, well...

Nah, just kidding.   I think you tipped the balance in my favour. Col, I'm happy you enjoyed it. Thanks for your always well considered thoughts.  



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RichardD
Posted: March 18th, 2015, 1:37pm Report to Moderator
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How's it going Libby?

I see you got almost 2,000 views of this short. wow, I'm blown away. Kudos.

I almost guessed you for a Kiwi by the dialogue, but I'm glad I didn't due to the fact that you're an Aussie. And now knowing this, I read the characters using your disincentive accent the whole world loves so much.  

After all the comments you've already gotten I'm not sure if mine will mean much, but here is what I took from it all.

I liked it, first off. It's a hip look at present day banter in a pub/bar. The dialogue is spot on as well.  

The INTERCUT was not confusing....nice.

You could, if you wanted, just as easy write a prequel or an continuation to these friends night out if you wanted. just a thought since you set it up so well.

The rest of my review are just my interpretations of the conversations.    

page 8

MELISSA
Exactly. Beer, shag, kebab, and not necessarily in that order.

Just confused me at first, but just because of our countries different slang. "kebab"? does that refer to a meal after sex? If so, I get it, it's just in the USA the term I'm more familiar with is "Find 'em, feed 'em, fuck 'em, forget 'em".  Feel free to use it if you want.  


page 10

MELISSA
Destiny? Please. That�s a per-feminist myth perpetuated by our grandmothers to stop us tarting around. Gotta put yourself out there kiddo.

Classic!


page 12

BOB
I think some people are just not into the kissing

- delete "the" or make it "the whole aspect of kissing"


page 14

CHAD
This, Bobby-boy, is one of the oldest tricks in the book. If you leave something you gotta come back for it. Gettit?

- The old "George Kostanza" method of getting a second date. Classic.

twirling the G-string around is a good touch. Smelling it would also show arrogance.


page 15

Bob�s stung by the comment, but hides it.

"Bob has a knee jerk reaction to the sound of Simonne's name being said, but his emotions betray nothing"  


page 16

CHAD
Dodged a bullet though, I reckon.

Chad is the antagonist of the conversation and since he used the word reckon (sounds like what a cowboy would say); what came to my mind was him using his index finger and thumb to emulate a gun, and then bending his thumb as to pretend to be shooting said bullet at Bob.  

Then Chad says; "The �one� is the biggest manufactured construct ever. Brought to you by Hollywood and sponsored by Hallmark.

I like that, but Chad seems to let his arrogance slip out at times, and I pictured him being more vicious, like; "The "one" is a layer cake myth with all the ingredients of Adam and Eve, Walt Disney's Happily Ever After, and all the pretentiousness of a Hallmark card."


page 20

When Bob and Ann meet and say "Hi".

Hi just seems like an outdated word.  Try out;  Ann "Hey"   Bob "Hey, you"   Sound cheesy? maybe, but it can also sound smooth. haha


page 21

Chad pulls out a comb, hair�s perfect. Pockets the comb. Smooths a stray eyebrow hair instead.

To me, after his little chat with Bob, maybe a little cockiness has been bestowed onto him, and with his hair looking perfect, and feeling like a million bucks, Bob could make the reference to Chad's "Dodging the bullet" line. Using his index finger and thumb in the shape of a gun, he could point it at himself in the mirror, and shoot. Kinda showing that "he ain't dodging this bullet, and he doesn't want to either."


All and all, I would definitly recomend Simpatico to all my female friends for sure.



Quoted from LC
**I might actually change it to the original idea I had of formatting it so that extra scene comes in post/midway through the credits.


Let me know if you change anything around. I'd like to see where this story goes if you alter it.

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RichardD  -  March 18th, 2015, 5:20pm
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LC
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Rick, thanks so much for having a look at this.

Kiwi? Oh dear, we're known for our intense rivalry you know?

On to your comments:
Glad you liked the intercut and that it worked for you.


Quoted from RichardD
Just confused me at first, but just because of our countries different slang. "kebab"? does that refer to a meal after sex? If so, I get it, it's just in the USA the term I'm more familiar with is "Find 'em, feed 'em, fuck 'em, forget 'em".  Feel free to use it if you want.

Re: 'Beer, shag, kebab' - this references men's baser instinct according to Melissa and the idea that alcohol, sex, and food is the way to a man's heart.

Kebab shops are common in Oz and Britain - so when you've got the munchies after a big night out they're often the first go-to choice. Chad might be more inclined to use a phrase like the one you suggest, but Melissa, (though not the most refined lady,) would be a bit more subtle. 'Shag' is slang for sex, so...

Re: 'the kissing' - this is a deliberate choice on my part, as if it's an entity unto itself, bigger than just 'kissing' and relating to the actual act of intimacy itself.


Quoted from RichardD
twirling the G-string around is a good touch. Smelling it would also show arrogance.

Eww, no. I don't think so, no offence. Though I get that some guys would indeed big-note themselves by doing something like this in public, even for Chad I think this would be taking it a bit too far - and for this particular story. I get where you were coming from though.

Bob's stung by the comment, but hides it.

Quoted from Richard
"Bob has a knee jerk reaction to the sound of Simonne's name being said, but his emotions betray nothing"

There are parallels in some of the lines of the two couples. This one:
Ann looks momentarily affronted at the mention of ugly sex-face and Leonard in the same sentence, but recovers perfectly.  
Even so I need to keep some of the descriptions more brief for economy and I chose the 'stung' line cause I think it sums it up in less words.

CHAD
Dodged a bullet though, I reckon.


Quoted from RichardD
Chad is the antagonist of the conversation and since he used the word reckon (sounds like what a cowboy would say); what came to my mind was him using his index finger and thumb to emulate a gun, and then bending his thumb as to pretend to be shooting said bullet at Bob.  

Hmm, Chad is antag? I agree the two guys often relate in a quietly adversarial manner and Bob comes out on top in the end but I'd argue that Chad is the central protag character all the way through, as is Melissa.

Re: 'reckon' it's pretty common usage around these parts and not a lot of cowboys round here either.   Re the 'gun', I do get what you're saying and it's not a bad suggestion. The only thing on reflection might be that the miming of a gun with the finger has been a bit overused. It certainly does fit Chad's character so it's not beyond something he would do. I'll keep it in mind.

The one is the biggest manufactured construct ever. Brought to you by Hollywood and sponsored by Hallmark.

Quoted from Richard
I pictured him being more vicious, like; "The "one" is a layer cake myth with all the ingredients of Adam and Eve, Walt Disney's Happily Ever After, and all the pretentiousness of a Hallmark card.

Hmm, gotta say I think I prefer mine in this instance. Bit too much going on there, imh.


Quoted from RichardD
When Bob and Ann meet and say "Hi". Hi just seems like an outdated word.  Try out;  Ann "Hey"   Bob "Hey, you"   Sound cheesy? maybe, but it can also sound smooth. haha

Interesting you brought this up.  'Hey' has effectively become the norm which is exactly why I had Bob and Ann revert to good old fashioned 'hi'. They are both more conservative in character and this scene is quietly breathless and romantic so... Yours would most likely work just as well but 'hi' was a specific choice.

Chad pulls out a comb, hair's perfect. Pockets the comb. Smooths a stray eyebrow hair instead.

Quoted from RichardD
To me, after his little chat with Bob, maybe a little cockiness has been bestowed onto him, and with his hair looking perfect, and feeling like a million bucks, Bob could make the reference to Chad's "Dodging the bullet" line. Using his index finger and thumb in the shape of a gun, he could point it at himself in the mirror, and shoot. Kinda showing that "he ain't dodging this bullet, and he doesn't want to either."

Chad thinks/says Bob dodged the bullet so I'm not sure exactly what you mean here. It's Chad in the bathroom and he's cocky all the way through. I understand what you're saying in the second part I think, about Chad miming in the mirror. Only thing is the audience is left (hopefully) not knowing which way Chad is going to go when he opens that bathroom door. I see the synchronicity of your suggestion in tailing your other suggestion though.

One of the tweaks I have made in this scene is for the g-string to fall out of Chad's pocket when he pulls his comb out. I think this could be fitting as a top n tail.

Rick, I'm glad you enjoyed this and I'm quite chuffed you chose it as one of your first reads. I will be putting the edited version up soon - I changed a few little things in the denouement (hopefully not to its detriment) and ran the bathroom scene over credits.

Rick, let me now when you've converted Under The Moonlight to Trelby.

One last thing I am wondering if the title of this is a little bit too clever/sophisticated for its own good and for what the story is essentially about - dating/two couples, battles of the sexes, 'he said, she said' etc.

So, I'm open to all suggestions anyone might have for a change of title.



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"Hey"    

Haha see, this is why I like discussion boards. You could have just as easily gotten snotty and mad with my comments but instead you stayed classy and addressed each one. I actually hear where your coming from (the land down under & with your story). After reading your responses I realize why you worded the story the way you did.... because it worked that way so well. my comments were just opinions of a typical American dude and meant no malice to your writing. To be honest, I made it a point to read your script because you were one of the most pleasant and informative people I met on SS so far.

As far as my scripts, I have been re-working my last 3 because I write my screenplays as if I were the director, and that's probably the wrong way to do so.  Plus I'm in the process of converting my own personal life experiences that are similar to that of Jack Kerouac and his novel "On The Road" into screenplay form.  

When they're ready, I'll defiantly post them.

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LC  -  March 28th, 2015, 2:56am
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DanC
Posted: March 30th, 2015, 11:36am Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Hi Libby,
    I'm new to the site, and I read your script.  At first, I thought this wasn't for me, but, I gotta say, I was wrong.  It was cute.  A nice little slice of life for singles.  

The dialog felt natural for the most part.  Your intercut scenes are a bit confusing.  It might be helpful if you state that the guys are X amount of tables away, unbeknownst to the women.  

I do think it might be fun to see someone pass out or some other random event to keep the reader off balance.  Over drinking is a problem.

I loved the Ann and Bob hook up and wish you had drawn that out more.  That's the meat and potatoes of the script.

Now, here is what I wish you'd do.  Let Ann and Bob finish each others' sentences as they talk to their friends.  Let the audience see that they are a perfect match and we yearn to know if they will pass gently in the night or meet up.  I think you have a very compelling story, but, a bit more dialog about what Ann and Bob look for in a mate and less on the other 2.  Honestly, the other 2 aren't nearly as interesting as the 2 unsuspecting future lovers.  IMO, that's the payoff.

I think it's okay to specify that the post scene happens post scene.  To be honest, I almost wish they don't hook up at the end.  He's a jerk and she's really judgmental.  Or have one or the other say "what the hell was i thinking earlier about this?" as a voice over or something.

Really cute story.  I have seen your comments on others stories and you're pretty tough.  But, that's good in my book.  The people reading scripts won't be nice.  

Best of luck to you.  Do you enjoy fantasy?


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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LC
Posted: April 23rd, 2015, 1:59am Report to Moderator
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RichardD thanks for your comments. I notice you didn't stick around very long which is kinda sad and a little puzzling. Hopefully that means you reinvented yourself with another username?

And DanC. thanks you so much for giving this a read and offering your feedback. I'm not sure about one of them passing out, although I do like watching physical comedy, and Melissa did do exactly that the night of... Whether she and Chad hook up at the end? I rather like leaving it open ended. And, the Post Credits scene is in the latest revamp. Thanks again.


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