Here's an updated version - some minor changes following feedback.

I'd be grateful if Don or one of the Mods could update the original script link, when you get time. Thanks.

http://ellcee.yolasite.com/resources/Simpatico.pdf

Quoted from LC I'd be grateful if Don or one of the Mods could update the original script link, when you get time. Thanks.

Done.  

I read this one yesterday. I didn't know you were going to do a rewrite. I thought it was great with great snappy dialogue. Any suggestions from me would've been to trim it just slight. Also to make it a tad more visual. A little more cinematic. It's a good script and wouldn't be expensive, so it will probably get produced. Congratulations on the comp.  

Quoted from Grandma Bear Done.   I read this one yesterday. I didn't know you were going to do a rewrite. I thought it was great with great snappy dialogue. Any suggestions from me would've been to trim it just slight. Also to make it a tad more visual. A little more cinematic. It's a good script and wouldn't be expensive, so it will probably get produced. Congratulations on the comp.

Thanks, Pia!

I really wouldn't call it a rewrite.

SteveC. mentioned a couple of things along the same lines as you mention with regard to it needing a few more cinematic touches, and it resonated with me.  So, I added a couple of visual tweaks, specifically in regard to Bob and Ann, (and another visual with Chad and the gstring at the end, to top n tail.) Bob tracks Ann in the crowd in this version, then loses her... I think it's a nice touch. As for the rest I'd be surprised if those who've read it pick up on the changes. They're subtle.

Thanks also for your comments - especially the 'snappy dialogue' one, that means a lot - and for updating the link so fast. I'm really glad you enjoyed the read considering you usually get more pleasure (for want of a better word) from delving into the darker stuff.  

Libby,

Thought I'd stop by and return the read.. Honestly, I'm not sure if there's much I can really add to the plethora of feedback within this thread, however...

I won't lie, I read this before -- your first version that is...I'm sneaky like that. I don't recall the subtle nuances of the original version, but I (read) your comments indicating you scripted some more visuals for the viewing audience, and that's probably a smart thing to do because the end product has to be just as appetizing visually.

Regarding the dialog, whatever you did... or 'are' doing, works. I fell right into this, again actually. The second read was even more entertaining regarding your  'laissez-faire'  approach towards this crazy symbiotic dance called mating, and I commend you for that. The only way I can envision myself trying to write like this and not failing, is to charge my laptop, climb up into the canopy of a jello tree, and begin  from there... I much prefer your version.

In my neck of the woods, a 'Beer Garden' is usually some temporary set up within a street festival or convention; where you can sample 500 beers or so from around the world. The set up usually lacks any particular value of 'atmosphere' cause people are always half in the bag and can't remember where they are, let alone what it looks like. However, the name of the festival etc., is usually designed to entice people to come out and party... Meet me at Oktoberfest!!  And of course the poster ad shows this buxom German woman hoisting a keg over her head...it's  Vunderbar !

The scene you set up sounds much more enticing, especially if it's during a festive season with lights and boughs, etc.

We have a large Francophone community here as well, and I'll frequently run into a gaggle of them. I don't understand much, but there are a few phrases that one can't help adopt, in particular 'L'esprit de l'escalier' or stairwell wit. The unfortunate malady of coming up with a good comeback only when it's too late. However, can be turned around to say 'Avoir l'esprit' , having a constant wit or, in the vein of this script, an open mind or group spirit -- French is messy like that.

I think you, as a writer, have this innate ability to encapsulate this persona into your scripts. You unconsciously tell the reader, or viewer,  to keep an open mind as you invite them into your story. I'm not saying Beer Garden is not the most appropriate name for the scene, just saying 'Avoir l'esprit' is a constant theme that carries this piece into 'Wickedly Playful' and 'Exceptionally Fun'.

Nice work Libby, I can see why the 'LA Comedy Festival' rang this in!

Sup Libby bruh,

This really is a fantastic piece, if any of y'all want to know how to write realistic banter... check this shit out. I thought it was incredibly well done, realistic, and convincing.

You created a contrast between Melissa and Ann straight off the bat with your descriptions, and of course we've got the same thing with Chad and Bob, the insensitive "jack the lad" prick VS a somewhat, pleasant mannered Bob.

They way Bob and Ann came together at the end was well done, Ann didn't need to tart herself up to get the attention of Bob, there was just that attraction there without anything superficial so to speak.

This works on a comedy level, because of the banter, but more importantly it works on a human level for me.

21 pages flew by, just like that because the dialogue was free-flowing and smooth, it was natural.

This was a much better outing than Scooter, and I mean... 10x better, perhaps I enjoyed it more because of the adult theme.

Very impressed Libby.

EDIT: Also, I loved the use of INTERCUT and DUAL DIALOGUE, handled very well from a technical perspective.

Good shit, good shit.

Wow, what a splendiferous review, Rick. I read through it three times just for it's poetry and entertainment value alone... and not because it's flattering to Simpatico but because of your unique point of view from another part of the world that is obviously quite different to my own. Ah, don't you just love the Internet for that alone.

Thanks for the compliments regarding the dialogue - it did kinda take on a life of its own really, and I think you might be doing yourself an injustice in saying its beyond you if this is anything to go by. Great visual of yourself you set up there btw.  

I'm familiar with Oktoberfest - only by reputation, and friends who have been. Yep, in Australia we spend most of the time outdoors - beer gardens are pretty much a staple fixture - typically an annex to the main hotel - some more elaborate than others. We have one not too far away that is huge and with an enormous Oak tree right bang in the middle of the yard - long leisurely lunches of snags, steaks and jugs of beer by day, and a real pick-up joint at night - it was the inspiration. And you're right, during the festive season they go all out and dress it up to look the part.

Thanks for the read and review Rick, all the Francophone references were truly lovely. Do you remember a writer on here by the name of Michel? Might be before your time... Sometimes sentences of his would get a lil' lost in translation, but he also came up with some real gems just by virtue of not being a native English writer - 'the giggling river' still stays with me. Someone told him to correct it, I think, but it was perfect for the piece. Your words had the same effect, so thanks again.

I've had some really generous and terrific feedback on this and people do seem to enjoy it which is pleasing.

Now, all I need is the ultimate compliment - for someone to actually pick it up...

Sup Fen bruh!

You know I'm going to keep calling you that unless you tell me it's gotta be Max.

Quoted from Fen This works on a comedy level, because of the banter, but more importantly it works on a human level for me.

That was the idea. Glad it got you on this deeper level - and you read between the lines. It's all about love really, despite the superficial appearance, and I think overall people get the more in-depth layers to it.

Quoted from Fen Very impressed Libby... Good shit, good shit.

Another one with a way with the words! I genuinely mean that, Fen - if I didn't know any better I'd say 'Chad' rubbed off on you. No misinterpreting you gave me the highest of compliments. Good lesson in unique character voices too.  

Quoted from Fen Also, I loved the use of INTERCUT and DUAL DIALOGUE, handled very well from a technical perspective.

Thank you. I think it keeps the pace going, and I think a deft editor could make it work well.

Thanks again, mate. I appreciate it. Going to give your Airline short another read in the next day or so, see what you did with the new draft.  

Awesome! I'm happy you enjoyed the feedback, truly. It's a good thing too cause I'm (now) officially out of French phrases, lol.  

Umm, I might have been around here the same time as a writer by the name 'Michel'. I don't, however, recall seeing a script called the 'Giggling River'. I will agree though, a title like that could definitely stick with you, lol.

Quoted from LC Now, all I need is the ultimate compliment - for someone to actually pick it up...

I'll second that motion! I think this story is ripe with sweet ideas and playful nostalgia... like a daydream.

Best of luck to you, Libby. Till then...

FYI, Rick: The 'giggling river' from the French writer was actually in description of that script, not the title, but it still did the trick. Think he was going for something like 'bubbling brook'.   No need reply to this. Thanks again.

I think you're both wrong. I think it was a giggling brook.

R

Shamelessly bumping Simpatico.

It is available for production once again.  

Sorry to hear that. It's a good script so hopefully somebody else picks it up.

Good luck.

Know that feeling Libby, hope it gets optioned by someone else!

Ugh - really?!?  Hmmmm... me thinks it's time to re label Simpatico on STS, and re-run relatively soon!  

Sorry to hear it fell out of production - rooting for you that you find a new home for it.