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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Simpatico Moderators: bert
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  Author    Simpatico  (currently 16568 views)
Reef Dreamer
Posted: March 4th, 2016, 5:48pm Report to Moderator
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It's not a shameless bump...just sensible.

Why let this fade away?


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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LC
Posted: March 4th, 2016, 6:21pm Report to Moderator
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Aww, I didn't expect that. You SS guys/gal warm the cockles of me' heart.

Thanks for the cheer-leading. Much appreciated.

The LA guys (relatively new Producers) didn't reach their target funding. And, I only gave a three month option, so...

Here's hoping someone else jumps on board.


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rendevous
Posted: March 4th, 2016, 7:50pm Report to Moderator
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The three month idea sounds clever. Either they get their act together and do it or they lose out and you get your story back. I like that.

This was a good script. Not quite as good as mine obviously. Nevertheless, it'd be interesting to see a decent production of it.

R


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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DustinBowcot
Posted: March 5th, 2016, 3:33am Report to Moderator
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3 months is normal for short films. I usually grant a little more time, but chances are if they haven't got it together in three months then they never will.
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IamGlenn
Posted: March 5th, 2016, 6:19am Report to Moderator
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Hope someone else picks this one up, Libby. I enjoyed it when I read it and it'd work nicely on screen.

Surely it's a no brainer..


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Athenian
Posted: March 5th, 2016, 7:58am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DustinBowcot
3 months is normal for short films. I usually grant a little more time, but chances are if they haven't got it together in three months then they never will.


I had a short of mine filmed about a year and a half after I gave the director my permission. And she seems to have done a good job. So you never know. But in Libby's case, I don't understand how they couldn't find the money for what would normally be a low-budget film.

Anyway, best of luck, Libby!  
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DustinBowcot
Posted: March 5th, 2016, 10:43am Report to Moderator
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It's not necessarily the money, but crew etc. Often the crew are involved for free with short films... when things go wrong, then it can be hard to come back from it.
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LC
Posted: March 7th, 2016, 4:12am Report to Moderator
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Thanks, Glenn, Manolis and Ren, and Dustin for your additional thoughts.

Btw, I'm not a hard arse when it comes to the three month option. If the production team have actually started putting things into place etc. and need an extension I'm more than happy to do that. After all, we all want to see our material come to life.

I have a feeling something went awry with crowdfunding on this one, in fact I had no idea they were attempting that. Overall I think people are a bit over this type of fund raising. Don't even get me started on the rich and famous guys seeking public funding - that to me is just rude. Apart from that you've either really got to have a worthy cause and/or have some proper rewards/perks in place - (which the well off guys often have) or it's like I said... Not another one.  

I did email the producers too to see how it was all progressing, but as is often the case (when something doesn't go according to plan), I didn't get a reply email. That was my cue to move on.  

Again, thanks guys for all your support. It means a lot.  


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Abe from LA
Posted: March 13th, 2016, 10:27pm Report to Moderator
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A bump for you, Libby.

Any luck with picking up a new producer? Are you still open to some heavy discussion of 'Simpatico,' or is it locked and loaded?  I'll read in a few days and comment, but just thought I'd bring it to the surface for a breath of air.

Abe
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LC
Posted: March 14th, 2016, 8:55am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Abe. Mighty nice of you to give it a bit more air.  

No luck, as yet, with a Producer, but I'm hopeful.

Of course, feel free to comment. Discussion? You bet, just know I don't plan on making changes to the current draft. I'm pretty happy with it and it made Top 3 at the LA Comedy Festival (which thrilled me) so...

But yes, I'm looking forward to hearing your thoughts.


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Abe from LA
Posted: March 19th, 2016, 8:02am Report to Moderator
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With three jobs and no days off, writing even this short script review is a bit of a mountain climb. So, onward and upward.

SIMPATICO by Libby Chambers

As I was reading this — running through my pea brain was that Simpatico is too long, too talky, and how dramadies/romcoms are my mortal enemies. But (after finishing your script) if I ripped you for my initial thoughts, I’d be committing a sin. As it turns out, this script of yours is pretty darned good. All of my groans and gripes (to come) are on the creative side, so that’s good news. We all share different visions, and so I can respect yours.

On the technical side, Simpatico hits its marks square between the eyes. Based on your logline and the read, it played out true to form. Your dialogue was succinct, consistent, and established both forward movement, and the state of mind of your characters. Good on you.

For a conversation-driven piece, I was surprised at how it breezed along.  You do a nice job of getting us into the story quickly, and bookending ‘love’ from the perspectives of Chad and Melissa (opening pages) to Bob’s meet-up with Ann (last scene). Chad/Mel deal with exploits, game playing, controlling the moves, and a lot of posturing, while I think Bob/Ann measure love through experiences, by being vulnerable, and risk-taking.
Romance is in the eye of the beholder.

The ebb and flow of conversations was easy to follow and weaves a thread the lives of our 4 characters, which of course was your goal; while also giving the relationships momentum toward their conclusions. Rather impressive.

I’ll tell you up front, I didn’t like Ken and Barbie (Chad and Melissa). They are soap opera personalities. Stereotypes. Their incessant “I’m cool” babble kept me from madly loving your story. I’m certain that was your intension. I saw Chad and Melissa as the same character from different genders. I will admit that their recounting of the ‘one nighter’ was amusing, and you do the whole male/female viewpoints of the romp quite nicely. It felt real. But still, by story’s end, I had my fill of those two.

As much as I disliked C & M, I liked Bob a great deal, and almost liked Ann.  Of the four characters, I think Bob is the most pivotal, and Ann the weakest. Bob is flawed in just the right ways. Upon meeting him, my initial thoughts were, “this bloke is married!” From head to toe, he has the appearance of a guy aging naturally, who appears settled, and ‘not’ trying to be anything more than he is. Of course, he isn’t/wasn’t married, but he fit that profile.
I also like Bob because he is intellectually superior to Chad. It shows. There was that occasional spark of conflict in Bob and Chad’s conversation that kept me hooked.

I say Ann is the ‘weakest’ of the four because she came off as a bit flat. She isn’t, or doesn’t seem to be brainier than Melissa, and for the most part, just seemed simple — in conversation, and thought. Less mature. Is that how you wanted to paint her? I preferred a bit more from the gal.  She doesn’t have to be smarter than Barbie. Ann does have an endearing quality, and that is she yearns for a sort of snap-love moment — a love at first sight. That I liked.
Perhaps you can infuse her character with a bit more passion. Maybe Ann is the romantic, a dreamer, the one holding out for her white knight. If it was there in your story, sorry that I missed it.

To me, this is as much a story about relationships between friends as it is about their romantic longings. Chad and Bob a have good conversation, because I sense a certain give and take. With Mel and Ann, it seems Melissa dominates the conversation — she tends to be condescending to her friend. Ann comes off to me as somebody younger, less worldly, a little shy, and perhaps sheltered in her upbringing. This bothered me because I felt Ann didn’t offer much to the conversation. Examples: the first words out of her mouth (page one), “what, his penis?” accompanied by a giggle. Right there I envisioned Chrissy (Suzanne Somers) from “Three’s Company” TV series. Yup, airhead Chrissy. It was an ‘oh shit’ moment for me. My respect for Ann teetered.
Even Melissa reacted with an eye-rolling, oh please response.
Unlike Bob, I couldn’t get a strong character read on Ann.

Chad and Melissa, I wouldn’t touch. In terms of characterization, I see that they perfectly serve your purpose. And the logline pretty much puts them in the spotlight. That’s your choice.

But I wonder if you are stonewalling the story a bit by downplaying your B characters? Bob and Ann are clearly the more interesting people.  Would you dare use them in a more influential way?

And with that, I segue to what “I wanted to see.”
In a nutshell:  1)  I wanted to see a little more point/counterpoint in the conversations;  2)  I thought Bob should be local, but Ann could be an out-of-towner; 3)  the ending absolutely made the story work for me. But it seemed inevitable. So, could you raise the stakes? Throw a couple of hurdles between Bob and Ann? 4) I would suggest that Bob track Ann earlier, losing her and being disappointed; 5) Christmas works fine for the time of year, but you might also consider New Year’s eve.

I’ll expand on the 5 or so suggestions tomorrow.
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Abe from LA
Posted: March 21st, 2016, 6:36am Report to Moderator
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I referred to it as point/counterpoint, but it’s really an exchange of ideas and power — and power.
On Page 3, Chad says, “And a majestic arse.” Bob responds with, “Call me old-fashioned but it’s the face for me. Every single time.” That’s an interesting point Bob makes. One of my favorite lines. It begs for some exploration. Can you expand on Bob’s point? Bob is looking for a relationship, not a one-night stand.

What if Chad questions the effectiveness of a relationship based on an attraction to ‘the face.’ Chad could challenge Bob to put it to the test. There’s an opportunity at the bottom of page 13-top of page 14, when a “nubile, young waitress” clears a table. Chad blurts out some crude comment about the girl’s arse, and she cracks a smile in response.
Bob could say something about the waitress’s face, perhaps her eyes or lips, and see what kind of response he gets.

Your script, Libby, has little moments like this; room for your B characters to voice their opinions, which would bring out their personality.

On page 3, Chad asks, “would you say women are still into romance?”  A rhetorical question, but I wanted Bob to do something visual, a romantic gesture, even if Chad shoots him down. There’s a chance right there to create a memorable scene.

I do like the way Chad continually offends Bob with insensitive remarks about Simmone, and how there are a lot of opportunities to meet ‘the one.’

There’s a good op to bring Ann out more. At the bottom of page 8, Melissa mentions Leonard, who is a guy that Ann was seeing. Melissa says, “Aw, shame. You two looked so good together.”
Ann counters with, “What does that even mean? We looked good together?”  That was a great comeback line. Expand on it. Melissa can tell Ann/us what Leonard looks like — surfer type, athlete, a guy in uniform, outdoorsman, etc. Set up what kind of guy Ann has been seeing. Suggest what type Ann prefers. Make him so different from Bob.

Page 9 — didn’t care for Ann’s turnoff description of Leonard. “Guy chewed with his mouth open.” Yeah, but that’s a general negative habit that would turn many people off. Could it be more personal, such as Leonard’s narcissistic trait?
And if Ann is going to bag Leonard on his open-mouthed chewing habit, can she at least end the topic by mentioning what she did like about the guy. Ann is sweet, and I think you would do her justice if she mentions something nice about Leonard — nice hands, he loves cats, volunteers at the senior center, writes poetry, so on. What did she find attractive about the guy?
Like I said, Ann is a sweetheart. That’s my gut feeling.

So, in review:  Allow Bob to show his romantic side. I like that he is attracted to “the face.” That makes Bob a cool guy. It’s not just about tits and ass, for him.
If Bob offers bits of wisdom, it leaves bread crumbs. Maybe we’ll even think that Chad might learn something, and that gives us hope for him moving forward.
As for Ann, although she seems simple, gullible (agrees with Melissa too often) and easily swayed, perhaps she isn’t. I saw how Melissa “undoes the top two buttons on Ann’s blouse.” And moments later, Ann buttons up again.  Good job.  Despite what Melissa says, Ann’s “best assets” are hidden.

Friends of friends are bound to meet. And that’s why I knew Bob and Ann’s meeting was inevitable.  So, how about some hurdles?

My first thought is that Bob is local and Ann is not. Bob seems to know a lot about Chad and his relationship with Melissa. I’m thinking he’s a businessman of sorts. When we meet him maybe he has joined Chad for a drink after work, but might be heading out to see his parents for Christmas.

Ann seems like a visitor. In fact, she’s my quintessential small town, Iowa prom queen: down home, fresh off the farm, girl-next-door type. And what if, she’s on her way back to the states, but the flights are snowed in? So she’s killing time in the pub, before heading to the airport. You would also be creating a second chance for Bob. One true love’s visa expired and left him. He won’t let this love get away.

The beauty of ‘love at first sight’ is that the odds of meeting should be astronomical. Think of reasons why Bob and Ann shouldn’t meet. It should feel like a chance encounter, with all the stars perfectly aligned.

Absolutely loved the scene of Bob tracking Ann in the pub. But thought it should come a bit sooner. Maybe we see Ann leave the pub for a taxi. Let us/Bob think that he missed his chance.

And then… there she is. Ann returns to retrieve something forgotten. Instead of B and A meeting together at the bar, what if they are at opposite ends of the bar. That is symbolic of the distance they have traveled in space and time to be together when their gazes meet.
So all of these people in between them keep obscuring their vision of each other.

I only mentioned New Year’s Eve because it has a countdown. It seems that a 10, 9, 8 countdown as they come together will automatically lead to a kiss as the New Year rings in. Followed by fireworks.  No spoken words needed.

Those are my thoughts on Simpatico. But you have a very solid story even if you keep it as is. Afterall, it’s already a top three placer in one contest, so you’re doing something right.

Last thoughts: Bob and Ann don’t have to be a perfect physical match to be a perfect fit.  And that’s why your ending is so fitting, and satisfying. Cheers!
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LC
Posted: March 31st, 2016, 7:33pm Report to Moderator
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Abe, just wanted to drop in and acknowledge and thank you for your very detailed feedback.

I'm flat out at the moment but I will respond to a lot of your points v.soon.






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LC  -  April 13th, 2016, 12:33am
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LC
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Abe, finally getting back to you. Sorry, for the delay. It means a lot to me that you took the time to read and give your point of view on everything from logline to characters, to story, and even theme, of Simpatico... And, in the process you gave it a nice little bump yet again.

I think it was Dave (eldave) who mentioned earlier on in the thread that he'd like to see me develop this into a feature... And, I might look at it again in the future when I'm done with something I'm working on at the moment.

Suffice to say Abe, wow, your very thorough dissection of Simpatico will come in handy when and if I do decide to revisit these characters.

Rest assured, your comments have not gone unnoticed, in fact the opposite, and I'm really grateful for the time and effort you put into it.  

P.S.
Good news is the previous production may not be dead in the water as I first thought. It appears it may be a case, (as often can happen), of the lowly writer being the last to know as I've discovered some still photography online. Maybe, hopefully, I'll be able to confirm this in the near future, fingers crossed.

In the meantime however, Simpatico is still available for production.



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LC  -  April 13th, 2016, 3:54am
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DanC
Posted: April 19th, 2016, 12:55am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from LC
Abe, finally getting back to you. Sorry, for the delay. It means a lot to me that you took the time to read and give your point of view on everything from logline to characters, to story, and even theme, of Simpatico... And, in the process you gave it a nice little bump yet again.

I think it was Dave (eldave) who mentioned earlier on in the thread that he'd like to see me develop this into a feature... And, I might look at it again in the future when I'm done with something I'm working on at the moment.

Suffice to say Abe, wow, your very thorough dissection of Simpatico will come in handy when and if I do decide to revisit these characters.

Rest assured, your comments have not gone unnoticed, in fact the opposite, and I'm really grateful for the time and effort you put into it.  

P.S.
Good news is the previous production may not be dead in the water as I first thought. It appears it may be a case, (as often can happen), of the lowly writer being the last to know as I've discovered some still photography online. Maybe, hopefully, I'll be able to confirm this in the near future, fingers crossed.

In the meantime however, Simpatico is still available for production.


Libby,
     I can't believe this hasn't been made yet.  I mean, this could easily win an award b/c the writing is so strong.  All the filmmaker has to be is competent and the actors have to be good and bam!  award.  

Fingers crossed for you.  

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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