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The L Equation (currently 4384 views) |
Don |
Posted: January 29th, 2015, 6:19pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
The L Equation by Anthony Cawood - Short, Romantic Comedy, Drama - A talented mathematician slaves over an equation that could change the face of humanity, as his dedicated assistant struggles to tell him exactly how she feels. 9 pages - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown) |
Don - March 13th, 2017, 10:20am | | |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: January 30th, 2015, 9:53am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.59 |
Hey Anthony - There are two spelling mistakes and a missing word in the logline. That's bad dude, if I wasn't familiar with your previous work I would have taken this for a newbie and may not even have read any further. The logline and title are the first thing we read so take your time with it, don't rush it as an after thought!
The script itself is fine if a little predictable. I had to read it a couple of times to realise he was trying to get the program to match him up with Anna but he ignores the result anyway so I didn't see the point.
As a scientist his character would be more inclined to believe the data and results we've seen so far. He should think he has no chance with Anna, only for her to them prove him and the algorithm wrong maybe.
Another possible angle is for him to be completely oblivious to Anna as she thinks. In desperation she types in her name, then his name and for it to say 'MATCHED' for the penny to drop with him.
I hope that helps.
-Mark |
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RichardR |
Posted: January 30th, 2015, 1:26pm |
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Posts889 Posts Per Day 0.26 |
Anthony,
People love to get comments that praise, so accept them. The others? Yours to keep or toss.
I understand the gist here. Our nerd is working on an algorithm to predict successful matches of men and women. Think E-harmony. It works for everyone except the one crucial to him--ironic. So, he tosses the algorithm to get the woman he desires.
I think you can take this idea and make it work better. For one, I didn't get the scene with the woman and mum. Is that supposed to say she likes the nerd as much as the nerd likes her? Or is there something else there?
The dialogue needs cleaning. It's a bit longish and on the nose. Take a look. Also, the tension between these two could be ratcheted up. When she arrives, she makes sure she looks good, alluring. When he interacts, he tries like hell to be charming. Give us some sexual tension.
You might get more play out of this one if the algorithm works in real time for other couples. Not the classics who have already matched but people who are looking to match. The irony heightens if the nerd can match everyone but himself and the woman he wants. The pain deepens also. At least, until he realizes that it's only probability...not infalliability.
Or if he discovers that he's classified her as something she isn't. And only discovers a data mistake at the end. Or double cross the audience and have even the data fix fail. Lots of ways to get more audience buy in. Give it a thought.
Best Richard |
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Reply: 2 - 28 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: January 30th, 2015, 2:31pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Mark, Richard,
Many thanks for the reads, much appreciated.
Cannot believe the typos in the logline, rookie error, DOH - will see if I can get that fixed.
What I was going for was that he's created a program that can 100% accurately predict compatability... but he realises through the course of working on it that maybe it working perfectly doesn't make it the right thing to do. So cold hard science versus emotions and nature... he sacrifices his work for a chance with Anna.
You both make some good points though so will be looking to revise in next draft.
Many thanks
Anthony |
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Stumpzian |
Posted: February 5th, 2015, 7:49am |
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January Project Group
LocationNorth Carolina Posts662 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
Anthony,
I like the way this develops. That is, we don't know right away what he's working on and keep reading to find out. Your writing makes this easy. The dialgue seems fine to me, including the understated scene with Mum. A necessary scene, in my view.
Criticism? The ending. I had a "huh?" moment with it, maybe because it came on too quickly.
Regards, Henry
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Reply: 4 - 28 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: February 5th, 2015, 8:38am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Hi Henry and thanks for taking a read, really appreciated.
There's some tweaks I've made since the original comments above, so glad it reads well for you.
Re the ending, thanks will have a look at this, any specific bit you'd call out?
Cheers
Anthony |
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Stumpzian |
Posted: February 5th, 2015, 9:00am |
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January Project Group
LocationNorth Carolina Posts662 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
any specific bit you'd call out?
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Just went back for a second read. The ending is fine. My fault -- usually I read "problem areas" twice before commenting. I didn't do that this time. My attention must've wandered without my being aware of it. I'll go back and edit my earlier comment. No, wait. Then your comment won't make sense. Henry |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: February 5th, 2015, 1:42pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
No worries Henry, glad it made sense on second read, will still review just to make sure it's as clear as possible.
Thanks
Anthony |
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Heretic |
Posted: February 5th, 2015, 10:31pm |
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January Project Group
LocationVancouver, British Columbia, Canada Posts2023 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
Not a big fan of the first scene. The attractive woman walks in with no purpose other than to tell the guy he's a genius -- we've seen a lot of useless female characters hovering soulfully around the men they support, over the years. Gotta be a more interesting way to frame this discovery -- which I'm assuming based on the first scene is some sort of scientific proof for love? I don't read loglines -- and a more interesting dynamic to frame our two leads, here.
The second scene is entirely exposition of her unrequited love. This can be established in the first scene, guaranteed (even with the script as is). I'd cut this scene if there's not more to it.
On 5, Brendan says he's "almost there." I know this is soft sci-fi (math-fi?), but I don't think math proofs are an "almost there" kinda thing, y'know? Not a quantifiable task with a project-able ending time.
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I very much like the basic premise of a mathematician frustratedly trying to prove the emotion that he's subjectively aware of. I don't think the execution is working at the moment. There's very little conflict, and there's very little character. There's not much of a hint of personality for either of these people, really, except that they're the sort of unattractive characters that get played by very attractive actors. The key element of the story is Brendan's obsession -- a mathematician who believes in proofs but doesn't trust himself. Anna, too, doesn't trust herself -- essentially, she doesn't trust that she is deserving of reciprocated love. But these traits don't really drive the story. Rather, they're just sort of incidental, because we know where the story's going and it never deviates from that track.
In order for romantic stories like this to work, the key weaknesses of characters need to push them apart as well as bringing them together -- drama is different people in the same space with different objectives, or whatever, so Brendan and Anna's divergent approaches to the same goal would ideally result in different objectives scene to scene, and thereby nearly push them apart forever before bringing them together. Maybe it's cute the first time Brendan ignores Anna because he's engrossed in his work, but the second time, once she's decided she has to tell him, it's suddenly way more painful for her to be ignored, and she storms out just when we think they're finally gonna get together. Y'know? I won't go through a list of cliches, but it's that sort of dramatic moves that this script is currently missing.
I do think that part of this stems from them just not being very dimensional characters. Almost all of the dialogue is essentially expositional, and it's hard to fall in love with characters (in a rom-com way, I mean) when that's the case. These are people with pretty amazing jobs, and they must be pretty interesting people. It'd be nice to see 'em breathe a bit, hear what they're like.
By the way, I liked the un-ironic, sincere approach to romance, here. That's needed sometimes. |
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TonyDionisio |
Posted: February 6th, 2015, 2:07am |
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Been Around Damnit, get to the point!
LocationTennessee Posts768 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
Dialog exchange read smoothly. I kinda liked the relationship -- had no problem with her dolling up and flirting. Office romance FTW! |
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Reply: 9 - 28 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: February 6th, 2015, 4:07pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Heretic / Tony - many thanks for the reads and the feedback much appreciated. Heretic - think you have some really valid points re conflict and it being a little too straightforward, torn on this a bit because I also think that the conflict in romantic drama's is also often overdone (you mention cliches)... there's a balance to be found and not sure I've found it yet. I don't intend for them to be played by attractive actors, but will leave that to whoever picks up the scripts up (fingers crossed) Tony - thanks glad it worked for you. I am seriously considering re-writing this with a gender swap for the protags too, Thanks Both |
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TonyDionisio |
Posted: February 6th, 2015, 5:28pm |
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Been Around Damnit, get to the point!
LocationTennessee Posts768 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
Ugly fat people look twice as ugly and three times as fat on screen. |
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: February 7th, 2015, 3:19am |
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Guest User
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Ugly fat people look twice as ugly and three times as fat on screen. |
Plenty of great actors out there that don't score high in the looks department. Neither weight nor looks should be a barrier to anyone acting... nor should it be a consideration for producers. Unfortunately, the prettiest, less able actors usually get through because the producer either wants to bed them or already has. If you want people to be staring at a bit of tit on screen rather than concentrating on your story... go for the prettiest actors. If you want people to concentrate on the story, cast real people. |
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: February 7th, 2015, 3:31am |
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Read the script and it's a nice idea. It just needs some work to make it special. Not quite sure how you will accomplish that at the moment. It's written well with some nice subtext that keeps the viewer guessing.
I was expecting a twist at the end that never came and I did feel a little let down by that. I think that could be what is missing. Maybe he destroys all of his work only to discover that she really doesn't love him.
Good luck with it mate. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: February 7th, 2015, 7:17am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Thanks for taking a look Dustin, I know you normally swerve Romance, so appreciated. Re twist, yes possibly, the most obvious one is to go further in setting up their comparability and having him denying the evidence of his heart and accepting his algorithm... Feels a bit harsh I'll keep working on it. Agree totally re actors point, as a writer I want people who can play the role not distract from it. Thanks Anthony |
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Colkurtz8 |
Posted: February 11th, 2015, 9:08am |
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Old Timer
Location--> Over There Posts1731 Posts Per Day 0.30 |
Anthony “family resemblance clear.” - I liked that terse description to convey that they’re related. “Book, Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton Result: Matched” - Is this to be taken with a nudge and a wink since these two had more than one run at it? “flicks the laptop screen to it's screensaver.” - How do you do that? T’would be a useful trick to learn. Many a time I could’ve done with knowing it Some interesting stuff here, I liked the idea of the equation judging the compatibility of people through (presumably) cold, hard, scientific means. That desire for foreknowledge of whether a nascent relationship will work or not has cropped up time and again in literature and films. Particularly in the dystopian genre where a society will practice eugenics or utilize genetic engineering to pair off like with like for the ostensible goal of harmony and synchronicity...but we all know it’s for reasons more sinister and oppressive than that. That’s why I was shaking my head and clicking my tongue at Brendan’s intensive efforts to develop such a horrible thing with the blinkered Anna cheering him on. Do these people know what they’re doing to our freedom of choice! However, the essence of the piece, as in the parting message, is an encouraging one, and I essentially like where you took it. Even though Brendan’s formula has told him he and Anna are not a match he’s willing to give it a shot and see what happens, something very human about that which machines will never grasp. Reminds me of Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind which can only be a good thing. Was it an influence? Unfortunately, and you can probably guess what I’m going to harp on about now...for a concept so rich and expansive, an 8 page script (7 and a bit really) is never going to cut it, never going to do it justice. I still think it partially works for what it is but there is something unsatisfactory about it. From the lack of clarity regarding the equation and where it’s getting these “matched/unmatched” results from to the context of Brendan’s profession and his relationship to Anna. On the other hand, I get this is all about posing that central question, it’s just the story feels primed for development, something to really delve into and explore because all be get here is a glimpse. Maybe you have ideas to take it further, it’s definitely something worth pondering. However, you could easily get bogged down in the science of it in having to validate this mysterious L-equation which I’d totally understand if you wanted to leave it completely unknown. I mean, where does one begin to explain that! Just one thing, when Anna is talking to her Mum, is she just telling her daughter to tell Brendan she likes him or are they referring to something else? Col. |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
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Reply: 15 - 28 |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: February 11th, 2015, 1:36pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Col, as always, thanks for the fantastic notes... Taylor/Burton... they were said to be too in love, so they split up and got back together repeatedly. Screensaver trick - see http://www.howtogeek.com/146439/how-to-make-windows-start-the-screensaver-immediately-when-locked/I think you are right, at least in part, re length but I was avoiding any heavy science as one of the key theme's (for me anyway) is that maybe, sometimes. there's more to life than science, as Brendan discovers. Explaining the L Equation, was always intending to leave this vague, not sure how I'd explain it. But there's more work for a re-write anyway so may try and expand some in future drafts. Eternal Sunshine influence - a little though not consciously Anna and Mum, yes wanted her to express her feelings and break the action from the Lab, but I know that it isn't strictly speaking a necessary scene. Many thanks Anthony |
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DebbieM |
Posted: February 11th, 2015, 6:44pm |
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This is a cute short, I liked it. loved the line "surrounded by the air of geekdom" I can picture Brendon very clearly. haha. It doesn't need to be explained, I enjoyed it, nice fun short. I would like to see more banter between them though Debz |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: February 11th, 2015, 7:11pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Hi Debz - thanks for reading and getting stuck in so quickly Really pleased you liked the script... more banter, will have a look at this in the next draft, Left me know when you want the favour returning. Cheers Anthony |
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TonyDionisio |
Posted: February 11th, 2015, 7:53pm |
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Been Around Damnit, get to the point!
LocationTennessee Posts768 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
Quoted from DustinBowcot
Plenty of great actors out there that don't score high in the looks department. Neither weight nor looks should be a barrier to anyone acting... nor should it be a consideration for producers.
Unfortunately, the prettiest, less able actors usually get through because the producer either wants to bed them or already has.
If you want people to be staring at a bit of tit on screen rather than concentrating on your story... go for the prettiest actors. If you want people to concentrate on the story, cast real people.
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Interestingly, as a side note, not to create any drama in this instance, I remember reading about how human beings are 'hard wired' to initially be sight prejudice when they first encounter someone - - Mostly this is a mechanism of defense, so a person can know if another poses a danger to someone or not. When I started bing watching Burn Notice, I told my Dad about how I enjoyed the show. He said no way he could stand watching the overbite on the lead character (forgot his name) so, I guess it doesn't matter about stories or acting to some. Same to be said of lust or love. Film median is visual, so the visual attractions to the actors are powerful. Beauty with acting abilities rare, yet most preferred. Lindsay Lowhan. |
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eldave1 |
Posted: February 11th, 2015, 7:57pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
Anthony - I thought this was well written. A couple of thoughts: I would have found this far more interesting if the characters were flipped. i.e., Anna was the smart mathematician and Brendan was the love stuck friend. Not sure this one worked:
Quoted Text Result: Matched - Book, Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton |
Their relationship was far from ideal. If you wanted to include them then it should serve as a more WTF moment for Brendan. That is how is it that a couple that couldn't stay together is on the match list? |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: February 11th, 2015, 8:19pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Thanks Tony/eldave - comments always appreciated Tony, Yep and guess that's why it's love at first sight Eldave - Yep, I mentioned in an earlier response that I was going to swap the genders round, just need to crack on and revise it! Taylor and Burton, they had a fiery relationship but their passion for each other was legendary... The equation doesn't just predict soft focus romantic love, which is why I used them. Thanks both Anthony |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 1:48pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Update A French graphic design student is going to use the L Equation as the central theme/idea for their Masters final exhibition... no, I'm not entirely sure how that will work but I'm intriqued to see how it comes out Anthony |
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LeeOConnor |
Posted: February 16th, 2015, 5:10pm |
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LocationUK Posts148 Posts Per Day 0.04 |
Hi Anthony,
Well written but I have to say a little predictable. It's a very simple story of human emotion against science and facts etc, but I feel as if something more was needed.
A few suggestions have been made but they would be all to cliche in a story like this.
I'm not really sure what to make of it to be honest and I'm all out of ideas without changing the simplicity and story all together.
Besides that, it kept me reading but I just felt I needed that wow factor at the end.
I look forward to seeing the new draft.
Cheers mate,
Lee |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: February 20th, 2015, 8:21am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Thanks for taking a look Lee, appreciated.
I've taken into account most of the feedback in the new draft so it may work better now.
It's an intentionally gentle tale so wow factor may prove difficult, but will keep plugging away.
Cheers
Anthony
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: December 21st, 2018, 6:09am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
The L Equation has been optioned, one of 8 optioned by the same producer. |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: December 21st, 2018, 6:13am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.89 |
HUGE congratulations Mr Cawood - (This congratulations extends to all 8 options)
On a side note, 8 options seems like a lot for one producer in one go, is this normal in the business? - Are you expecting them to make all 8? - I know almost nothing about this business so I am just curious.
Matt |
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Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: December 21st, 2018, 6:17am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4319 Posts Per Day 1.14 |
Hey Matt Nope, this is very unusual in my experience... he's paid for the options though and intends to seek financing to make a web series from the 8 shorts as they have thematic links. It may come to nothing but only time will tell |
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eldave1 |
Posted: December 21st, 2018, 5:32pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
Very cool, Anthony - congrats |
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