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Glitch by Anthony Cawood - Short, Sci Fi, Drama - A desperate wife resorts to extreme measures to ensure her husband gets the lifesaving operation he needs. - pdf, format
Boy, you sure turn these out. One good idea after another.
The premise for this one is first rate. I was riveted to the "procedure" as it was happening.
Things to think about: 1. When a person's appendix needs to come out, the pain beforehand is ACUTE. George didn't seem to be in any pain at all. 2. Could you do without the beginning section? Start in the kitchen? 3. George's comment at the end: Is it too comical for what we've (audience) just been through? Might work on the screen as comic relief, though. Not sure.
I have to say that was a good one. It definitely grabbed your attention and held it. Aside from Henry's comments, I would add that I wonder why Amber isn't visibly shaking due to nerves-- she is about to cut open her husband.
I probably would have ended with the question: "Hey, how we gonna do my vasectomy now?" Gallstones are soooo humdrum. You say "vasetomy" and every male will have sympathy pains.
Anyway, an enjoyable script that would be easy to film. Keep them coming.
Hi Henry/Ian, thanks for the reads and comments, really appreciated.
Henry Re the pain, I had him wincing when swapping the bulbs but I think you are right, I'll amp that up some more. Beginning, wanted to show the getting of the bootleg and the flying cop car, just to show the futuristic part. Agree re ending, but currently drwing a blank for something else.
Ian Good point re the nerves, will add in some additional elements. Vasectomy... I actually started with that as the main procedure, wrote a couple of pages, but felt too comic given the tone I was going for.
Glad you both liked in the main though, glad I manged to get the prodecure to work well for you both.
Kept me riveted too...I did not get that it was futuristic by the mere mention the cop car "glided" by. The opening scene was a bit confusing in that "Tall guy" was later changed to George..Good read though, suspenseful and required a bit of medical knowledge...nice job
I was a bit lost at first from the tall figure and little figure, but reading further I realized it must've been George.
Top of page 2 - "taller than’s decent"
- Final Fantasy 15 - Gears of War 12 - GTA 11
In all honesty, I wouldn't be surprised if they games do actually come out.
I enjoyed this, first time surgeon with a buggy guide makes this risky procedure amusing, I was expecting some sort of "catch" at the end, maybe a step that the machine skipped or maybe he was going to wake up to find himself cut open, machine malfunctioning, and his wife going crazy, but it was good.
The beginning is a bit vague. Are the two cloaked figures the husband and wife? All these scenes seem to be there for is to let us know this is a sci-fi setting. I think you could just start in the kitchen and still convey that.
The amateur surgery using the VR helmet is really what makes this short stand out. It adds tension as well as comedy and I think it was a great choice to make the VR helmet's AI a bit flaky.
You did your research and sold the operation on me. Although I'm not qualified at all in this area it seemed very believable to me.
The ending fell a bit flat though. If he did need two operations she could have carried on while he was open to do that. He would need to recover from this operation before having another. Alternative ideas:
-He wakes up to find out she's taken out the wrong organ. (Comedy) -She's killed him. As she's sobbing we cut to the VR helmet. It offers the opportunity to re-try from a saved place. (Tragic) -We cut to them later eating his cooked appendix, he makes a joke about it tasting better raw (Just Plain Weird)
Mark
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Hey Mark thanks for the read and the notes, really appreciated.
A few people have commented on the opening sequence, which is meant to be a clandestine meeting where he buys the dodgy software... it's clearly too vague/subtle, will look to revise.
Thank you re the AR/VR, that was my 'what if' for this short, and the operation was research a little and isn't too far away from reality and great that the tension is coming over.
The ending for this one is definitely it's weak spot at the moment, thanks for the alternative suggestions... I may well mash them together!
On the real picky side - I kept stumbling over this description:
Code
GEORGE, late 20s, super thin and taller than’s decent, steps
I would just go with very tall or taller than average. Maybe it's just me.
Yo have already received some comments on the opening - I concur with them. I would rather have the wife and husband together agonizing over whether they ought to buy the thing or not.
Overall - compelling stuff here. I think it has a great premise for a feature.