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I've changed the intro a little still starts in the alley, but I've taken out reverted to character names and expanded a little to make it clearer. I think if I remove this section then the dire straits they couple are in mey be too reliant on exposition in the house... we'll see if this works better for people.
Description, I've been willfully trying to make the descrips different of late, 'taller than average' seems too normal... but will have another look.
Glad the script and premise worked for you though.
This was pretty cool. I got a little confused at the beginning. Who is Small figure? Is that Weasel? I think the suspense was done well though. I loved Amber's scene with the AVR. Ah i could feel her frustration!
- Ha, clever indicator to show approximately how far we are into the future.
AMBER Open... I guess.
- I hope this isn’t a decision which will impact later because surely she would’ve done some degree of research beforehand or there would be a way of looking it up considering the complex gadgetry at her disposal.
AMBER Layers, shit, how many?
- I know we’re in a futuristic world here where technology is doing more and more of the heavy lifting but she is grossly underprepared for this delicate and literally life threatening undertaking. What’s up with that? Do your homework, woman! This is your partner godammit!
I do love the concept of the assisted virtual reality helmet though which effectively allows anybody become a surgeon, cool idea.
AVR This is the Appendix, please locate it for removal.
- Ok, this is one faulty machine. I see where the script’s title comes from now. Made in China, yes?
“Ichor”
- Kudos for dropping this term in.
AMBER Is that stitching?
- Holy sh?t, she is performing an operation and doesn’t know this? Poor George is indeed in big trouble…
I enjoyed a lot of things about this. The mysterious opening scene in the alley, the broken, decaying city and the enigmatic set up of George changing the bulbs. It poses a few questions and gets us engaged, good job with that.
First I thought it was going to be a homemade abortion. When George lays on the table, I figured (with crossed legs) that we were going to witness a homemade vasectomy…Then you introduce the virtual reality helmet and the true nature of matters are revealed.
I was still contorting and wincing throughout the whole process which was offset and diffused (your intention I imagine) somewhat by the defective helmet and Amber’s growing exasperation with it. I thought it was almost too jokey and pushing for laughs at times, particularly with Amber’s sarcastic responses since we are essentially in the middle of a very serious situation. Again, this is her partner and these extreme measures are borne out of necessity and poverty but the tone became increasingly lighter as it went on.
The glitch(y) machine had both the effect of eliciting chuckles as well as making me feel all the more uncomfortable because any second it could lead Amber to make one irreversibly wrong incision or snip. It straddled that fine line between nervous comedy and eminent horror which was a product of the scenario you created. Either way, I enjoyed it, an odd but engaging and singular scene.
However, (and there’s always a but, right ) I felt the ending was a big letdown. The punchline didn’t do anything for me. Again, this might be to do with me struggling to reconcile with the serious/comical tonal pitch shifts. For all the bizarre stops and starts Amber goes through with the bug ridden machine and her own lack of anatomical knowhow, it essentially amounted to nothing because we are left with the impression that George has emerged unscathed. Thus, it all felt rather inconsequential.
On top of that, after the botched procedure, I just find it hard to believe that there wouldn’t be some repercussions, some side effect of Amber fooling around with George’s intestines like that. Even if it was something ridiculous done for a laugh; like his voice is really squeaky now, or urine is coming out of his asshole, farts through his mouth, etc. You know, something bizarre which doesn’t let Amber off scot free.
As it’s written, it almost comes off as a warning against over reliance on technology, especially those new fangled gimmicky gadgets that come and go, a reminder that surgeons spend many years in training for a reason, a “don’t try this at home” PSA. Yes, I’m being facetious here and perhaps you were just doing it for kicks because there isn’t really much else to take away from this…and of course not every script needs to have a point or a message.
Anyway, I do appreciate the inspired central concept here. I just wish there was a more fully realized story around it.
Hey Col - thanks as always for the awesome notes, truly appreciated...
If memory serves you tend to downlad the scripts and read later? The ending on the currently uploded version has therefor changed and is hopefully better now, was certainly an issue to start with as I got there and ran out of steam a little.
I considered both the other procedures you mentioned, nearly went with vasectomy but decided they were both a little cliche.
And yes she's definitely under prepared, they've assume that they'll just be able to laod the Doctors training program into the AVR and all will be fine, so her concerns and the bits she doesn;t now are I guess meant to be the escalation of her being out of her depth.
In terms of message/theme, there's a little about reliance in technology - there usually is in my scripts, but also meant to be about desperation and poverty driving extreme actions. Of course there's also a large slice of 'just because', in this case because I thought the central idea of the AVR and the op were pretty strong and would work visually.
I also really wanted to see if I could write an operation that was compelling and believable.
Thanks again for the read and comments. if you get chance have a look at the revised ending, love to know if you think it works better.
if you get chance have a look at the revised ending, love to know if you think it works better.
- Ha, I like the change, works much better in my opinion.
I wonder could have the AVR go into death rattles and die right after its "That is a duodenum" line. That way, Amber won't be able to perform any more procedures with it, like, say, duodenum reattachment surgery It would give the punchline greater impact I think.
Maybe end with her trying desperately to shake the machine back to life. Just a suggestion.
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!