SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 19th, 2024, 3:45am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Glitch - optioned - Help It Get Made! Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 14 Guests

 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Glitch - optioned - Help It Get Made!  (currently 8271 views)
AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 14th, 2015, 4:32am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4311
Posts Per Day
1.14
Thanks for the read eldave, appreciated.

I've changed the intro a little still starts in the alley, but I've taken out reverted to character names and expanded a little to make it clearer. I think if I remove this section then the dire straits they couple are in mey be too reliant on exposition in the house... we'll see if this works better for people.

Description, I've been willfully trying to make the descrips different of late, 'taller than average' seems too normal... but will have another look.

Glad the script and premise worked for you though.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 15 - 68
eldave1
Posted: February 14th, 2015, 12:09pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Yep - the premise is golden


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 68
DebbieM
Posted: February 14th, 2015, 1:31pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
23
Posts Per Day
0.01
This was pretty cool.
I got a little confused at the beginning. Who is Small figure? Is that Weasel? I think the suspense was done well though.
I loved Amber's scene with the AVR. Ah i could feel her frustration!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 17 - 68
AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 14th, 2015, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4311
Posts Per Day
1.14
Hi Debbie, thanks for taking a look appreciated.

Glad you liked it overall, and think I've tidied up the beginning,

Cheers

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 18 - 68
Colkurtz8
Posted: March 4th, 2015, 9:42am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.31
Anthony

“Gears of War 12”

- Ha, clever indicator to show approximately how far we are into the future.

AMBER
Open... I guess.

- I hope this isn’t a decision which will impact later because surely she would’ve done some degree of research beforehand or there would be a way of looking it up considering the complex gadgetry at her disposal.

AMBER
Layers, shit, how many?

- I know we’re in a futuristic world here where technology is doing more and more of the heavy lifting but she is grossly underprepared for this delicate and literally life threatening undertaking. What’s up with that? Do your homework, woman! This is your partner godammit!

I do love the concept of the assisted virtual reality helmet though which effectively allows anybody become a surgeon, cool idea.

AVR
This is the Appendix, please locate
it for removal.

- Ok, this is one faulty machine. I see where the script’s title comes from now. Made in China, yes?

“Ichor”

- Kudos for dropping this term in.

AMBER
Is that stitching?

- Holy sh?t, she is performing an operation and doesn’t know this? Poor George is indeed in big trouble…

I enjoyed a lot of things about this. The mysterious opening scene in the alley, the broken, decaying city and the enigmatic set up of George changing the bulbs. It poses a few questions and gets us engaged, good job with that.

First I thought it was going to be a homemade abortion. When George lays on the table, I figured (with crossed legs) that we were going to witness a homemade vasectomy…Then you introduce the virtual reality helmet and the true nature of matters are revealed.

I was still contorting and wincing throughout the whole process which was offset and diffused (your intention I imagine) somewhat by the defective helmet and Amber’s growing exasperation with it. I thought it was almost too jokey and pushing for laughs at times, particularly with Amber’s sarcastic responses since we are essentially in the middle of a very serious situation. Again, this is her partner and these extreme measures are borne out of necessity and poverty but the tone became increasingly lighter as it went on.

The glitch(y) machine had both the effect of eliciting chuckles as well as making me feel all the more uncomfortable because any second it could lead Amber to make one irreversibly wrong incision or snip. It straddled that fine line between nervous comedy and eminent horror which was a product of the scenario you created. Either way, I enjoyed it, an odd but engaging and singular scene.

However, (and there’s always a but, right ) I felt the ending was a big letdown. The punchline didn’t do anything for me. Again, this might be to do with me struggling to reconcile with the serious/comical tonal pitch shifts. For all the bizarre stops and starts Amber goes through with the bug ridden machine and  her own lack of anatomical knowhow, it essentially amounted to nothing because we are left with the impression that George has emerged unscathed. Thus, it all felt rather inconsequential.

On top of that, after the botched procedure, I just find it hard to believe that there wouldn’t be some repercussions, some side effect of Amber fooling around with George’s intestines like that. Even if it was something ridiculous done for a laugh; like his voice is really squeaky now, or urine is coming out of his asshole, farts through his mouth, etc. You know, something bizarre which doesn’t let Amber off scot free.

As it’s written, it almost comes off as a warning against over reliance on technology, especially those new fangled gimmicky gadgets that come and go, a reminder that surgeons spend many years in training for a reason, a “don’t try this at home” PSA. Yes, I’m being facetious here and perhaps you were just doing it for kicks because there isn’t really much else to take away from this…and of course not every script needs to have a point or a message.

Anyway, I do appreciate the inspired central concept here. I just wish there was a more fully realized story around it.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 19 - 68
AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 4th, 2015, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4311
Posts Per Day
1.14
Hey Col - thanks as always for the awesome notes, truly appreciated...

If memory serves you tend to downlad the scripts and read later? The ending on the currently uploded version has therefor changed and is hopefully better now, was certainly an issue to start with as I got there and ran out of steam a little.

I considered both the other procedures you mentioned, nearly went with vasectomy but decided they were both a little cliche.

And yes she's definitely under prepared, they've assume that they'll just be able to laod the Doctors training program into the AVR and all will be fine, so her concerns and the bits she doesn;t now are I guess meant to be the escalation of her being out of her depth.

In terms of message/theme, there's a little about reliance in technology - there usually is in my scripts, but also meant to be about desperation and poverty driving extreme actions. Of course there's also a large slice of 'just because', in this case because I thought the central idea of the AVR and the op were pretty strong and would work visually.

I also really wanted to see if I could write an operation that was compelling and believable.

Thanks again for the read and comments. if you get chance have a look at the revised ending, love to know if you think it works better.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 20 - 68
Colkurtz8
Posted: March 5th, 2015, 7:53am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.31

Quoted from AnthonyCawood
If memory serves you tend to downlad the scripts and read later?


- True, this had been on my computer for awhile.


Quoted from AnthonyCawood
if you get chance have a look at the revised ending, love to know if you think it works better.


- Ha, I like the change, works much better in my opinion.

I wonder could have the AVR go into death rattles and die right after its "That is a duodenum" line. That way, Amber won't be able to perform any more procedures with it, like, say, duodenum reattachment surgery It would give the punchline greater impact I think.

Maybe end with her trying desperately to shake the machine back to life. Just a suggestion.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 21 - 68
AnthonyCawood
Posted: March 5th, 2015, 3:25pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4311
Posts Per Day
1.14
Thanks for the additional thoughts Col and glad the ending works better now.

Like the ideas re the death rattle and trying to shake it back to life, I'll include in a future version.

Cheers

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 22 - 68
AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 20th, 2015, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4311
Posts Per Day
1.14
Glitch now optioned by a producer in LA.

Fingers crossed!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 23 - 68
Iancou
Posted: May 20th, 2015, 4:27pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Southeastern United States
Posts
159
Posts Per Day
0.04
Great to hear, Anthony. Keep us in the loop.

This is one more example that keeps the rest of us hopeful and inspired. This also shows that any of us can do it with perseverance and hard work.

Best of luck.

Ian


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 24 - 68
AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 20th, 2015, 4:56pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4311
Posts Per Day
1.14
Thanks Ian and will do... now for the long wait to see if it ultimately gets made


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 25 - 68
DanC
Posted: May 21st, 2015, 11:16pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1131
Posts Per Day
0.35
Hey Anthony,
Congrats on this getting optioned.  You deserve it bud.  This was a really fun story to read.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 26 - 68
DustinBowcot
Posted: May 22nd, 2015, 2:19am Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from AnthonyCawood
now for the long wait to see if it ultimately gets made


Well done and good luck.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 27 - 68
Colkurtz8
Posted: May 22nd, 2015, 7:31am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.31
Best of luck with this Anthony, its good work.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 28 - 68
AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 22nd, 2015, 8:05am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4311
Posts Per Day
1.14
Thanks Dustin/Col


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 29 - 68
 Pages: « 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006