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I enjoyed your script. It was well written, could easily picture everything that was going on and the dialogue was pretty good too.
Although the idea of a fictional character becoming real isn't too original (stranger than fiction is the first one that comes to mind) I like your take on it. I think you could take it further as I'm intrigued by who, or what, is next through the door. I think there is room for some more visual comedy with the rewriting of the Ken character, maybe Jack puts something in that Ken doesn't know about, like a huge fat arse or something? haha
Anyway, enjoyed the script and think it would work as is but there's definitely scope for more on the idea.
I liked this, easy to visualise, great tone and pace to it...
Yes. It's nearly as good a proper eclair with a decent cup of tea in front of the fire on winter's night while an old labrador lies at your feet. Christ, I'm turning into an old man. I meant obviously it's as good as a night on the tiles while being chased by stacks of women. Because they fancy me like crazy, not because I stole their handbags. And coats.
I have no issues with the ambiguous ending, but I'm English, I think we cope with such things better
Indeed. Glad to hear that. I'd go on about the recent election, but I'm sure you're bloody sick of it by now. It was like the end of Lost. Queue joke about the future of the UK and the skies darkening as the four horsemen grow nearer. I must remember to edit this bit later.
Interesting idea that Englishness makes you better able to deal with ambiguous endings. You may very well be right. I'll have to think about that.
Potentials twist idea, take it ot leave it dead at the side of the road as you see fit... maybe he could come out of the bathroom to find his antagonist writing the author out of the story... and they then wrestle over the keyboard...
They kinda do that already. I guess you mean make it more up front. I'll have another look at it. There does seem to be a consensus to add to the end. I'm not quite convinced this would add, rather than detract.
Yes. Makes a change, doesn't it? Usually it's the same old sheet, or word to that effect.
I was doing an Adele for a while there. But I found my fanbase wasn't quite as upset by my absence. So I thought I'd write another one, just to spite them.
Good to hear from you too. I see you've done a proper Sight & Sound style dissection thing here. Admirable, and appreciated. You certainly have an eye, or even two.
I'm not sure how my little mutterings will stand up under such scrutiny. I feel like I'm about to be inspected by a doctor. I do hope I don't go all floppy. Please ensure you warm your hands.
- A nitpicky thing but was this lamp meant to be in the previous scene? I only ask because it wasn't stated before now so I got the impression that it had just appeared. Especially since you refer to it as “a” not “the”. It just feels odd that you would only mention it now, like it carries some significance...and I promise that’s it for talk about the lamp, moving on.
You're leaving S&S in the dust there. I mention the lamp as he's gonna bang his head on it soon after. Felt a bit wrong just to say he bangs his head on it before I drew attention to it. It may stick out out a bit in the script, but you'd see it before he clunks his head.
“Just before he turns it on the doorbell rings again.
He turns with puzzlement to the front door.”
- Did he not hear it the first time? Isn't that what woke him up?
You must be one of those people who jumps up wide awake as soon as the alarm goes off. Jack on the other hand is of not much use to anyone until he's had a cup of tea and watched the telly for at least half an hour.
He's no idea what woke him up. He would have trouble discerning his elbow from his arse until you give him a while.
KEN You put your house in the script, had me, the bad guy, your antagonist, turn up. So, here I am. To antagonise.
- I'm a sucker for meta fiction and films about film making but they are very common. We've seen this conceit done many times before so I'm hoping you bring something fresh to it...reading on...
I too enjoy a good suck on meta fiction. Hmm, I could have phrased that better.
You want fresh? Personally I'm hoping for amusing and competent. Still, you never know.
KEN And I ain’t too happy with the way I look, Jackie boy. Look at me... the hair, the waistline. These horrible shoes. And what is it with that tin-can of a car.
- A small thing but Ken has just listed the things he is ok with concerning his character so shouldn't this line start with "I" not "and"? I’m assuming the different spellings of "Jacky/Jackie" is intentional, that would just be you being you, right
The 'and' business will become clearer later.
The various spellings is me just being me. I don't know if you've noticed yet, but I can be a bit of an arse. Possibly located in the lower left cheek.
KEN Could’ve been worse. Could have been Top Gun. So why’ve I got a got a mouthful of broken gravestones?
- I wonder could you reference a less obvious film than Top Gun at which to poke fun? It’s too easy. Tony Scott has made a few other candidates ripe for such cheap shots.
They're not as well known though. I did try a few others, but it was the only film I came up with that fitted. Plus it also starred Val Kilmer, the aforementioned Elvis in Scott's True Romance. Methinks it was too good a fit to change.
“I wonder you reference a less obvious film than Top Gun to poke fun at? Tony Scott made many candidates ripe for cheap shots.”
- This is cool direction to take it. You could have some funny visual touches here with Ken changing before our eyes as Jack types. I get why you kept it off screen too though.
As you say, it'd be hard to get to work on the page. You get the idea though. An imaginative director could make it work easily enough though.
Unfortunately, Jack's script is going to get seriously bogged down in character description by the sounds of it. It would get torn apart on the boards here
“as he whispers in Jack’s ear”
- Just curious but why is Ken whispering?
I think Jack could handle it. He seems to holding up reasonably well considering he's had a gun up his nose.
He was whispering to intimidate. It worked too. It also saved me having to write down all his directions to Jack.
“Ken puts his hand out to stop him. Gestures to the pages with the gun.”
JACK It might take a little time.
LIVING ROOM
"Ken hurries across the room. He opens the bathroom door."
KEN What are you doing with those?
JACK I’m just gonna go through them as I... you know. Helps me go.
- I'm confused about the above part. Jack grabs the pages on his way to the bathroom and Ken calls him on it to which Jack says it’s (the sh?t) going to take some time. I assumed he means he’ll have something to read when on the bog, don’t we all...and it seemed as if Ken took is word on that too.
Personally I don't read whilst on the throne. But I've heard many do. Seemed like a fitting excuse too. Not sure why you're confused. You seem to grasp it.
Ken's not the sharpest tool in the box. He just presumes the writer is going to review his work while he um, you know, answers nature's call. He can't see a problem with it. But we can. Or some of us can.
However, in the next scene you have Ken hurrying across the living room towards the bathroom, opening the door without a knock and essentially asking Jack the same question (though verbally this time, not with the gun) as to what he is doing with the pages to which Jack goes on to explain again. Why? Wasn't this established in the office as Jack was leaving when he grabbed the pages?
It doesn't make sense.
Oh yes it does. It doesn't only if you're assuming nothing has changed. But something has changed in Ken, or else he wouldn't be worried enough to knock on the door.
It wasn't established in the office, as it would have give it all away. And then where would be?
Also, why didn’t Jack lock the door given what he was up to?
He was in a hurry. May seem a bit lame, but I've been in houses where there is no lock on the toilet.
This may lead you to question the morals of the people who invite me in. Hmm, understandable.
Anyways, it suited my purposes. Let's put it this way - if they had a lock on the toilet you'd have had at least half a page of a piddly poor sub Shining routine, which wouldn't have been much fun for anyone .
Unfortunately my trouble with that moment effected my enjoyment of the last page a little bit. When Jack started to change the script with the eyebrow pencil I feared it was going to end with Ken being foiled in the most obvious of ways. Especially since Ken had been suspicious of Jack’s motives for bringing the pages into the bathroom in the first place, it would just seem a bit lame for him to be undone by such a predictable plan.
No it didn't. It affected it. Sorry about that, my inner pedant got the better of me.
I don't think you picked up on some of the stuff I was implying. May not have been quite clear enough. I know you read it thoroughly.
However, to your credit you flipped things nicely with the twist of having Ken doing some writing of his own which set up that classic presumed-dead-antagonist-reaching-for-the-gun-behind-the-unbeknownst-protagonist’s-back. Playing with that cliché was purely intentional I presume and it worked well.
I did wonder though as to when Ken could’ve made this change to the script. Was it while he was in the throes of his heart attack? I mean, how else would’ve known how Jack was going to kill him off? Yes, he was clearly suspicious of him bringing the pages into the bathroom and acted on it but Jack could’ve killed him off in any number of ways which could’ve negated his rewrite.
I know it's a bit late now, but I wouldn't look too closely into it. It's not The Fourth Protocol. The guy is a character from from a story, it's amazing what they can get up to when you're not watching them.
In my defence - he didn't have to type a lot and he could have done it as soon as he got an idea Jack was up to no good, from his point of view.
Jack could only negate his rewrite if he knew he what he was up to. He'd also have to know what the rewrite said, so he could do his own one-upmanship.
You have two versions of the script in that last scene; Jack’s version where Ken dies of a heart attack and Ken’s version where he is ok one minute after being “improved” in every way then suddenly he’s “on the floor, apparently dead” before his “hand reaches for the gun”. In other words, there are some serious continuity issues with Ken’s version. Obviously, he’s not a writer
Steady there, Pauline Kael. In your 'umble. Besides, that type of stuff seems to be going down very well for The Affair.
As I said to an earlier poster, the whole thing is a bit of a stretch, to be honest.
I think it works. At the moment you're coming over as someone who would sit there sneering at Back To The Future and shouting 'But it's bloody impossible! every five minutes or so. 'Eighty eight miles an hour, my arse.'
Also, who could that be knocking on the door? It’s not said that it was written into the script as it was at the beginning. Granted a lot of writing as been done by Jack with Ken peering over his shoulder but we are not told anything specific about it. On that note, I wanted to know more about the actual script Jack was writing even if it was just the broad strokes, as if he’s writing an outline or something.
Indeed, who could it be? I thought it was just a good ending. You'd see more if it was filmed, as they'd have to show you something. It didn't suit to state straight out exactly who it could be.
I mean, the ringing doorbell makes for a neat bookend with both Jack and Ken locked in a fight but it doesn’t make much logical sense as far as I can tell, even within the skewed world of the script.
Have you seen The Shining and Back To The Future? Neither made a lick of sense. They did work though.
I think it does make sense, even in the skewed world of the script. It's a doorbell ringing, not the appearance of a portal to another world or a huge arse appearing in the ceiling.
I enjoyed your script. It was well written, could easily picture everything that was going on and the dialogue was pretty good too.
Ste,
Many thanks. There's little else you could say that would please me better. Apart from maybe how flawless my skin is. It covers the whole of my body, you know.
Or maybe the pertness of my cheeks. No, not those ones.
Although the idea of a fictional character becoming real isn't too original (stranger than fiction is the first one that comes to mind) I like your take on it.
I heard about that one. I've still yet to see it, some Ferrellitis / US comedy phobia I have.
I think you could take it further as I'm intrigued by who, or what, is next through the door. I think there is room for some more visual comedy with the rewriting of the Ken character, maybe Jack puts something in that Ken doesn't know about, like a huge fat arse or something? haha
There's an idea. I think the possibilites are endless. Probably why quite a few liked it so much.
I was gonna work on adding or changing some of this script but then this producer guy got in touch.
So, I'm pleased to announce this script got optioned the other day. So hopefully sometime soon I'll be able to post a link to the filmed version. Should be good.
Anyway, enjoyed the script and think it would work as is but there's definitely scope for more on the idea.
Cheers
Ste
Many thanks, Ste. I'll get round to returning the read soon.
If I owe anyone else a read and they have anything specific in mind then do please PM me.
Thanks to all who read and commented. It is much appreciated. The producer hasn't asked me to take this thread down as of yet. So I'll leave it up here for now.
Hey, Congrats on this being made. I know I enjoyed it when I read it. I read above about the producer not asking you to take it down yet, so, yeah, congrats.
I was gonna nominate it for STS, but, this is better.
You deserve the attention this gets.
In other news, if you wanted to read mine, I have 2 shorts up in the "my work in progress" section. If you're busy, I understand.
Let me know if you need anything else read. Always happy to lend a happy hand.
Dan
Ps, my helping hand is going NOWHERE close to any cheeks! Got it!
I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good. I enjoy writing the same. Looking to team with anyone!
You must be one of those people who jumps up wide awake as soon as the alarm goes off. Jack on the other hand is of not much use to anyone until he's had a cup of tea and watched the telly for at least half an hour.
He's no idea what woke him up. He would have trouble discerning his elbow from his arse until you give him a while.
- Fair enough, I hate mornings. Coffee and cereal gets me going.
Ken's not the sharpest tool in the box. He just presumes the writer is going to review his work while he um, you know, answers nature's call. He can't see a problem with it. But we can. Or some of us can.
- Ok, I can get past the fact that Ken doesn’t suspect Jack’s plan by bringing the pages into the bog with him but my confusion is more to do with the way the scene plays out. My understanding is that Jack takes the pages and gets up to go to the bathroom. Ken gestures to them with the gun as if to say “What are you doing?” to which Jack replies, “It might take a little time.” Fine, I’m on board so far. Then in the next scene you have “Jack hurries across the room. He opens the bathroom door.” With Ken asking the same question again, except verbally this time: “What are you doing with those?” I don’t know if you have made alterations to this part since I read it but it looks as if Ken is asking this question from the office. He hasn’t moved, right? In that case Ken never enters the bathroom, he just appears to ask the same question twice, once with a gesture of the gun and another in dialogue. This jarred for me.
Oh yes it does. It doesn't only if you're assuming nothing has changed. But something has changed in Ken, or else he wouldn't be worried enough to knock on the door.
- Yet here you acknowledge that he does enter the bathroom without knocking so now I’m even more befuddled. Also, what has changed in Ken between now and the office? Jack hasn’t located the eyebrow pen yet so no rewriting has been done.
No it didn't. It affected it. Sorry about that, my inner pedant got the better of me.
- Thanks for picking up on that, I can never discern when to use one or the other and just always go with the “e” variant. Plus, your pedantry towards grammatical accuracy will hopefully help you understand my pedantry towards story.
I know it's a bit late now, but I wouldn't look too closely into it. It's not The Fourth Protocol. The guy is a character from from a story, it's amazing what they can get up to when you're not watching them.
In my defence - he didn't have to type a lot and he could have done it as soon as he got an idea Jack was up to no good, from his point of view.
Jack could only negate his rewrite if he knew he what he was up to. He'd also have to know what the rewrite said, so he could do his own one-upmanship.
- Ya, I can concede that my comments were over analyzing it thus I tempered them with an admission of this. Still, I believe it’s no harm to draw the writer’s attention to it as it may get them thinking of ways to tighten up or rethink certain choices. Tis better than some cu?t banging on about format, right
Quoted from rendezvous
I think it works. At the moment you're coming over as someone who would sit there sneering at Back To The Future and shouting 'But it's bloody impossible! every five minutes or so. 'Eighty eight miles an hour, my arse.
- Ha, nah my main issue was how Marty could blaze straight into Johnny B Goode with only a 3 chord warm up. My implausibility meter went off the chart! Ridiculous!
I see you've responded to my responses. Analysis of analysis. I feel like one of us should be lying down on a long couch in a darkened room with many cushions whilst a man with a slight Austrian accent probes us. With words I mean. Let's not lower the tone. Not just yet, anyway.
Oh dear. I know the feeling. Have you seen the TV remote lately? I mean recently, I don't call the TV remote 'Lately'. One time I left it in the fridge. Sorry, I meant to text that bit.
- Ok, I can get past the fact that Ken doesn’t suspect Jack’s plan by bringing the pages into the bog with him but my confusion is more to do with the way the scene plays out. My understanding is that Jack takes the pages and gets up to go to the bathroom. Ken gestures to them with the gun as if to say “What are you doing?” to which Jack replies, “It might take a little time.” Fine, I’m on board so far. Then in the next scene you have “Jack hurries across the room. He opens the bathroom door.” With Ken asking the same question again, except verbally this time: “What are you doing with those?” I don’t know if you have made alterations to this part since I read it but it looks as if Ken is asking this question from the office. He hasn’t moved, right? In that case Ken never enters the bathroom, he just appears to ask the same question twice, once with a gesture of the gun and another in dialogue. This jarred for me.
You seem allergic to paragraph breaks. Have you been reading Jonathan Swift again? We've talked about this.
I took the liberty of bolding the key line, for those who skim. Lazy barstards. It's all right, they'll skim over this bit.
Hmm, okay. I'm gonna have a look at the script.
Back now. Apart from a typo I haven't made any alterations, so we're talking about the same thing. Regular readers will know that is probably more rare than it should be.
You recall near enough. You've never realised something a few moments later than you should have done? I do it all the time, like when I should have stopped the car instead of ploughing through that red light.
Once the police started chasing me I said to myself 'Hmm, I probably should have stopped back there.' The policemen agreed with me, once they'd broken all my windows and pinned me on the ground. The judge did too.
I think I said in an earlier post to your good self that Ken isn't the sharpest tool in the box. So to summarise, he just realises a bit later than he should have done. He did so we could have a story. If he didn't Jack would still be sat there playing with Ken's part (no, dirty) and character. I doubt you'd like that any better.
I mean if Liam had realised he should have taken better of his daughter and wife, as should Jack Bauer, then they would have saved us the trouble of avoiding all those Taken films and the pants 24 turned into.
Sorry it jarred for you. But I have the words 'mountain', 'mole' and 'bananas' coming to mind. I'm not sure why. I just had a tangerine.
Yet here you acknowledge that he does enter the bathroom without knocking so now I’m even more befuddled. Also, what has changed in Ken between now and the office? Jack hasn’t located the eyebrow pen yet so no rewriting has been done.
Hmm. Elvis, my dog, not the dead King, is having a great time with a bone here. He won't let go of it, even for a biscuit. Would you like a biscuit, Col?
I refer the honourable bone , sorry, I mean man, to the answer I gave earlier. Moving Swiftly Jonathan on...
- Thanks for picking up on that, I can never discern when to use one or the other and just always go with the “e” variant. Plus, your pedantry towards grammatical accuracy will hopefully help you understand my pedantry towards story.
- Ya, I can concede that my comments were over analyzing it thus I tempered them with an admission of this. Still, I believe it’s no harm to draw the writer’s attention to it as it may get them thinking of ways to tighten up or rethink certain choices. Tis better than some cu?t banging on about format, right
I've done my own analysis and there's no 'z' in analyse, or analyzing. Especially not for an Irish lad.
I just read that back and realised what a tosser I come across as sometimes. Hmm, you can alter that final qualifier as you wish. Apologies.
Anyways, you're right about some vaginal slang banging on about format. Sometimes you have to help someone who doesn't know. But it should be about the story. Otherwise it's like inspecting the paint on a car with no fecking engine in it.
- Ha, nah my main issue was how Marty could blaze straight into Johnny B Goode with only a 3 chord warm up. My implausibility meter went off the chart! Ridiculous!
Good point. The band picked it up the beat a bit too damn quick. Most bands would still be trying to get right the next day. Good man, many thanks. See you on the other side, of the OWC I mean. We're not dying. At least I hope not.
I see you've responded to my responses. Analysis of analysis. I feel like one of us should be lying down on a long couch in a darkened room with many cushions
- Fu?k it, lie back, shut your eyes, go to your happy place. You may feel something cold and metallic...
You recall near enough. You've never realised something a few moments later than you should have done? I do it all the time, like when I should have stopped the car instead of ploughing through that red light.
I think I said in an earlier post to your good self that Ken isn't the sharpest tool in the box. So to summarise, he just realises a bit later than he should have done. He did so we could have a story. If he didn't Jack would still be sat there playing with Ken's part (no, dirty) and character. I doubt you'd like that any better.
Sorry it jarred for you. But I have the words 'mountain', 'mole' and 'bananas' coming to mind. I'm not sure why. I just had a tangerine.
- Ok, I get it, just felt odd when reading it. I had Ken pegged as an idiot but it’s pushed too far here to the point of incredulousness in my opinion. The flow of that scene just doesn’t feel right to me. And hey, molehills may someday become mountains, just like rescuing all those pennies buried in the couch may someday become something beautiful, like a pint or a sandwich.
Hmm. Elvis, my dog, not the dead King, is having a great time with a bone here. He won't let go of it, even for a biscuit. Would you like a biscuit, Col?
- We spoke about this. You know what I like with my tea. Dunkability factor is paramount!
I've done my own analysis and there's no 'z' in analyse, or analyzing. Especially not for an Irish lad.
- That’s the glories of spell check for ya, you crusty, imperial prick. Bloody empire thinking right there. Old Britannia casts a short shadow now, son! Labor, honor, color, neighbour, “aloominum” and “leesure”. So there!
...but you’re my crusty (but benign) imperial prick so I love you all the more, sweet pea.
Now you will feel the cold, metallic sensation recede...
See, not too painful and relatively unintrusive. You can pull up your (small and long) pants now.
When I was young, last year or so. Maybe a bit further back. Okay, a lot further back. Anyways I happened to frequent building sites. Cos I worked there. The Irish lads there called me plastic paddy.
And when I go to Ireland they call me a tan bastard. In Australia they just called me a pommie knobhead.
I do wonder what they would call me in the America. But I won't go, as they'd probably shoot me.
Now. From then I got some advice about this script from a erm, friend, shall we say. Yes we will.
Anyway, long story short this is no longer optioned. At the mo. I mean now. Sadly the second time it has been optioned and a film didn't result. Ah well, so it sometimes goes. At least it comes back.
So, any budding Lynches or Scorceses or Nolans who are looking to option this should contact me before someone else does and I let it out for another three month option. I also take cash, bad cheques, diamonds and of course, my favourite... gold bullion. Actually the only thing I have trouble taking is advice. Bit of a knobhead, you see. Sometimes, well...
Actually, you can option it for a few pints down the local, if you ask me nicely. Which is also how you get to Oldham. Please do think about that last one. Personally, I like to say it out loud in the presence, but not earshot of a nice lady. Or not.
Ahem. Where was I, oh yes. I was down the shops, and I have put up a slightly new version of the script. Minor changes as suggested by my earlier said friend.
Hope you like it. Oh yes. Don't get too excited, oh no. There's only the odd extra word and the odd missing one. Oh go on then. Dance. I will if you do.
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