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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Fault Moderators: bert
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eldave1
Posted: May 23rd, 2015, 6:54pm Report to Moderator
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Nice effort here - I enjoyed it. A couple of nits:


Quoted Text
Mark Kate shrugs.


Think you mean Mary.


Quoted Text
No... It was my fault, Mommy. It was
mine. I led him on. I...


Led him on didn't strike me as a line coming out of a 13 year old girl.

Very nice job.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts

Revision History (1 edits)
eldave1  -  May 24th, 2015, 9:16am
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SAC
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 12:50am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Quoted from LC
Steve, good to see this up. Did you alter much from the original draft? If you have I'll look forward to giving this a re-read after the OWC. Intrigued with what changes, if any, you have made to it.


Hey Libby,

Thanks for checking in, also for reading this before anyone else did.

I did make a few changes, notably in the dialogue between Mary Kate and the doctor. Tried to add a bit more clarity but I still think it needs more. I wanted to stop short of literally spelling it out for the reader, so I'll see what else it may need in that scene the lends more understanding to the set up.

Steve


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DanC
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 1:46am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from SAC


Hey Libby,

Thanks for checking in, also for reading this before anyone else did.

I did make a few changes, notably in the dialogue between Mary Kate and the doctor. Tried to add a bit more clarity but I still think it needs more. I wanted to stop short of literally spelling it out for the reader, so I'll see what else it may need in that scene the lends more understanding to the set up.


Steve



Hey Steve, nice job with it.  Was I close with my interpretation of it?

It was an interesting read.  

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Colkurtz8
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 1:33pm Report to Moderator
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Steve

“Mark Kate shrugs.”

- "Mark" should be "Mary"

DR. ADAMS
Right here. See? Learning, memory,
emotions... It's all broken down into
categories and sub-categories. Watch.
Mary Kate, try and think of something
happy. A happy thought.

- Are we in the future here or does this technology exist today?

DR. ADAMS
Are you sure? Because they will come
for whoever is causing her emotional
distress. The C.M.S. doesn't ask
questions. I've seen cases before
where--

- Oh, is she an android of some sort? Reading on...

“He gently caresses her cheek, offers a smile full of yellow
stained teeth.”

- Ah, never trust I guy with stained yellow teeth. I knew there was something off about him

Seriously though, I don’t mean to make light of what is an uncomfortable and troubling scene. I thought he just physically abused her and Abby (not that that's ok or anything of course) but the sexual element does add to the tragedy and depravity of the situation.

ABBY
No, no. You don't understand...
(to the men)
She doesn't understand! He's a
predator! He's a—

- I would leave out the word “predator”. Too on-the-nose and informal, like she's quoting a news article.

So I’m still unsure whether she is all android or just the chip, I’m going with the former. In either case we are in the future here as either technology hasn’t been developed yet, at least to my knowledge. I’m not saying this should be clarified up front, I understand its part of the surprise to find out what Mary Kate actually is, I’m just confirming it for myself.

In essence I think you’ve got the makings of a great story here. This couple adopts one of these androids, the husband is abusive so the wife takes measures to get rid of him by installing the chip to alert her manufactures of mistreatment of their product. However, in order for this ploy to work, it requires a sacrifice of the android’s dignity. Abby essentially takes away her daughter’s free will, encourages her, or at least stands by passively, while David does these horrible things to her, for what she sees is the greater good.

This is particularly resonant at the end when Mary Kate, with all the innocence of a child, blames herself for “leading him on”. She simply doesn’t understand what Abby was trying to do, as flawed a plan as it was.

While the ending is tragic and cruelly ironic in that not only is Mary Kate been taken away but David is not, I did wonder how this came to be.

DR. ADAMS
Are you sure? Because they will come
for whoever is causing her emotional
distress. The C.M.S. doesn't ask
questions. I've seen cases before
where—

Doesn’t Dr. Adams say here that C.M.S would come for the perpetrator, not the victim? That’s evidently how Abby interpreted it and I did too. So why would he (or should I say you, the writer) mislead Abby (and us) like that...other than to have the shocking ending we get? Also, even if Abby had misinterpreted Dr. Adams in some way, surely she would’ve read the fine print in regards putting in the chip before any steps were taken. It seems implausible that she would make such a grave mistake.

As a result, I did have a problem with the ending, it just doesn’t make much sense other then imply Dr. Adams is a liar or Abby was very foolish. I appreciate that you want to punish her for the decision she made in letting David have his way with Mary Kate but the whole thing left a bad impression on me for the reasons I stated above.

Of course I could be doing some misreading of my own and you could have a perfectly reasonable explanation for the way things transpire as they do.

Col.


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SAC
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Dan,

Thanks for reading, man. You were close, but in no way did I intend this script to be misleading, or start up a guessing game as to what's really going on here.

But you were right in stating that Mary Kate blames herself. An in that regard, if she's the one to blame and her mislead emotions are reading that way, then she would be the one taken away by the CMS. I actually forgot what the acronym means.

Steve


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SAC
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 6:30pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Quoted from Max


I just read the script.

Basically he has no grounds to blame anybody... I think that was the point. She accepts the blame because... as you saw in the flashback... she too had a bruise on her face, suggesting that he beats her up as well. As an abuse victim, she's submissive to him.

They took the wrong person away... why? Maybe has something to do with the technology not being 100% perfect, this is a world where maybe the innocent get punished and the guilty get away with it.

Good work I think, snappy little read.

Would like the writer to chime in again so I can ask him a few questions


Max,

Thanks for checking this out. But they did take the right person away. Mary Kate blames herself, so her emotions would read, to the powers that be, that she is the guilty one.

I hope this clears up the confusion, and I also welcome any suggestions as to how I can clarify this even further. I don't think it's a big rewrite, maybe just a line or two of dialogue, I think.

Steve


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Max
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 7:04pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Ain't nobody write like that, bruh.

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Quoted from SAC


Max,

Thanks for checking this out. But they did take the right person away. Mary Kate blames herself, so her emotions would read, to the powers that be, that she is the guilty one.

I hope this clears up the confusion, and I also welcome any suggestions as to how I can clarify this even further. I don't think it's a big rewrite, maybe just a line or two of dialogue, I think.

Steve


Wow, okay, I get it.

It's a tricky premise to work with, because essentially what you're saying here is that everybody who blames themselves would get fucked over by this state of the art technology.
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SAC
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 7:33pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Well, right. I guess it is tricky. Abby's intentions were in the right place. She thought they'd take her abusive husband away, but it backfired. Anyway, that's the gist if it. No secret.

Steve


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Max
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 8:19pm Report to Moderator
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Ain't nobody write like that, bruh.

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This is some Minority Report typa shit.

lol.
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LC
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 8:27pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Max
This is some Minority Report typa shit. lol.

SS review of the year. Steve, you should put this one of Fen's in your sig under the script title.



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Max
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
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Ain't nobody write like that, bruh.

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Quoted from LC

SS review of the year. Steve, you should put this one of Fen's in your sig under the script title.



Haha, I'm just messing

Concepts like these are tricky to figure out. Plus, sometimes you have to put a bit of exposition in there to flesh things out for the reader, which can sometimes fall flat.
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SAC
Posted: June 20th, 2015, 8:29pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Eldave,

Thanks for reading and commenting. I'm glad that you liked it.

Col,

Thanks for reading. No, Mary Kate is not an android. She's all human. The chip that was implanted in her was meant to monitor her emotions, and lead the police, or CMS, to take into custody whoever was causing her emotional distress. The way it turns out, that person was her simply because she blamed herself for the abuse all along. But I can understand your confusion.

This still needs a bit of tweaking, I reckon, as its just not clear the way it's written. But it's really an easy fix, when I think about it.

Hope to see something of yours on the boards soon, Col!

Steve

BTW, a few people mentioned Minority Report after reading this. I think that's some cool shit, right there!


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Colkurtz8
Posted: June 21st, 2015, 5:11am Report to Moderator
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Steve


Quoted from SAC
Thanks for reading. No, Mary Kate is not an android. She's all human.


- Oh dear, that's a major misinterpretation on my part then.


Quoted from SAC
The chip that was implanted in her was meant to monitor her emotions, and lead the police, or CMS, to take into custody whoever was causing her emotional distress.


- I got that part but thought the chip activation was just an extra precaution to protect these androids from mistreatment by their human owners. Since they have become so human-like they've been given human rights, so to speak.

Also, the fact that the authority was called C.M.S who I've never heard before (and sound privatized for some reason) gave me the impression that we were in the future. That this was some new organisation set up to monitor and police these androids. So you see, my mind went waaaay down the rabbit hole.


Quoted from SAC
The way it turns out, that person was her simply because she blamed herself for the abuse all along. But I can understand your confusion.


- This is a great concept actually which makes me see the ending in a whole new light. I should've picked up on it. However, one has to assume that it will only be a matter of time, after some questioning from C.M.S, for them to figure out what's going on and come back for David.

Still, in regards providing a ironic and tragic ending, it works. Good job with that.

Col.


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Mr.Z
Posted: July 3rd, 2015, 10:49am Report to Moderator
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Hi Steven,

Love sci-fi, so this was right up my alley. The family dynamics were pretty clear; the dad hits the wife and abuses the daughter. That worked well.

What was a bit of a head-scratcher was the deal with the chip and why the authorities take the daughter away. I gather that this world you created isn't like ours, that it functions differently; I think you need to explain the rules a little more so we know how this world works. That would allow for a deeper understanding of the story as it unfolds.

Very intriguing piece though. Good job.


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SAC
Posted: July 3rd, 2015, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Z,

Thanks for the read. I listed the genre as drama, but its really sci-fi, I suppose. Never tried sci-fi so this was a bit of a stretch for me. But drama is at the heart of this and that's where I'm comfortable.

I agree it needs fleshing out to get a better picture of this world. I don't see it as much different than ours, but its a little different. The doctor explained to Abby that the CMS will take away whoever is causing Mary Kate's emotional distress. Since Mary Kate blames herself, she is the one taken away, leaving the father as the "victim," so to speak. Now that I think of it, it's also a commentary on the state of the system, where they just kinda go "by the numbers." Not taking feelings and extenuating circumstances into consideration.

Thanks again for the read!

Steve


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