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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Fault Moderators: bert
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  Author    Fault  (currently 4859 views)
LC
Posted: July 4th, 2015, 3:33am Report to Moderator
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Stevo!

Finally got around to checking out the changes you made, and I see it is a lot clearer than in the original draft. That said, to familiarize myself with what was going on I did have to read it twice.

These are the notes I wrote down as I read:

I don't understand the SLUG - HALLWAY
Abby talks to the doctor out there? Presumably Mary Kate is still in the doc's room? I'd think about reversing that. Minor nitpick.

DR. ADAMS
Are you sure? Because they will come
for whoever is causing her emotional
distress. The C.M.S. doesn't ask
questions. I've seen cases before
where--

Okay, here's where I have a problem re story. This dialogue (above) really points to the imperfection of the current 'system'. The doctor is warning the Mum effectively that things could go wrong (dialogue points to the fact they obviously have before - i.e., taken away the wrong person) which leads me to question why is 'Mum' being so obstinate and waving Doc's warning away. And what kind of system is it that this type of error can occur. Of course I get that this is the premise of the whole story but surely it'd be more dramatic if the doctor said nothing can go wrong - it's a system we've perfected etc.

Moving on:
I do not like this line of dialogue, sorry. Now, not only is the system imperfect but these guys also don't know who they're looking for. They need to appear at least that they know what they're doing, surely.

MAN #1
(to Abby)
Where's the victim? Where's the
victim?

How did the Swat mob finally work it out - from the device that's been attached to her?

I understand that Mary Kate ends up being the guilty party because she's the one causing herself emotional distress. Hence she's led away. As far as she's concerned she's to blame for her father violating her. The old 'She was wearing a very short skirt, your honour. She was asking for it'.  That about right?

However, I'm trying to imagine this played out on screen and imh you're expecting a heck of a lot from you audience in not just figuring all of this out but in also buying into a system that on the one hand is supposed to be rather evolved/futuristic/sophisticated, and yet so flawed. Victims of abuse are typically going to blame themselves in part for what's going on - it's commonplace - their emotions are going to register that. It's already been established Mary Kate is unable to register a happy thought.

You could argue all of this is the key to the story you're telling - to this world. I just think you need more examples of this flawed futuristic society for it to be effective.

Perhaps if Mary Kate were to have a conversation with one of her friends - or in therapy discuss her feelings of self-loathing.

I don't know I could be wrong - perhaps the dark nature of this is all that is needed for it to have the effect you want. It's definitely a very imaginative idea, but I think it needs the futuristic element ramped up at the very least - not 'flying cars and shiny robots' futuristic, but dark and bleak.

There's lots to like in the tone and sinister feel of this and despite my reservations with your story I really like this but I think you need to go further with it in terms of perhaps creating a futuristic society that has a lot of technological things going wrong.

Well written as usual. Asides didn't pull me out of the story or bother me either, btw.


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Warren
Posted: April 23rd, 2018, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi Steven,

What a fantastic piece. Gave me chills.

I obviously don’t know what the original version looked like, but this is clear enough to get the gist of what’s going on. We obviously don’t understand it all, but it doesn’t impact the core of the story.

I can’t really fault it, but if I had to it would be a small nit. I'm really not a fan of characters being listed as #1, #2, and #3. Other that the fact that it looks god-awful in a script, I think they can be differentiated in a better way. Maybe a simple description then link that to the character, if you know what I mean. Probably a little harder to do with three guys all dressed in tactical gear.

Wouldn’t really matter if you didn’t change it though.

Great work!


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SAC
Posted: April 23rd, 2018, 8:54pm Report to Moderator
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… but some dreams do

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Warren,

Hey man. Thanks for digging this up. Had so many issues trying to get people to understand what was happening early on, so I'm happy you got it.

One of my darker scripts for sure. In regards to #1, 2 and 3. As you can see, this was last commented on three years ago. Today, perhaps, I might change the names, or did something different with it. Don't know, really. Been so long!

But thanks again for reading this. I've got a bunch of scripts on here, with only a small handful I consider good. This is one of them, imo.

Steve


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Warren
Posted: April 23rd, 2018, 9:04pm Report to Moderator
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Totally agree, it's a really good script.


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SAC
Posted: April 23rd, 2018, 10:07pm Report to Moderator
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… but some dreams do

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Quoted from Warren
Totally agree, it's a really good script.


Thanks, Warren. I appreciate you saying that. Man, you on some kind of reading binge!


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EricP
Posted: May 6th, 2018, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Don
Fault by Steven Clark - Short, Drama - In a time when emotional pain is a crime, a teen must decide the fate of a loved one. 9 pages - pdf, format


Hi Steve,

thanks for sharing your script.

I had a bit of trouble getting into this one. The writing was polished, but I was confused in some parts.

Based on the log-line I expected the teen to be the protagonist. However in this story she was a passive character, not an active one. The story lacked a clear-cut protagonist, which left me a bit confused. The story contains quiet a few plot-holes.

Mary Kate communicated to the doctor that she was being abused. The blank screen  meant she was calling for help, but why didn't the mother already know this? If the doctor had to try and persuade Abby to call the C.M.S. this would imply that Abby knew what was happening to Mary Kate.

We also don't actually know when the chip was used. The C.M.S. came in like a swat team - which is a bit over the top - then arrested David while he was sexually abusing Mary Kate.  

David exclaims, "you put the God dam chip in her", but the story doesn't flush out how David knew about the chip in the first place.

Once again, why would the Doctor and Abby go to all the trouble in putting in the chip in Mary Kate, when they could have just called 9-1-1 at the doctors office?  

Also, I don't think Mary Kate would be wearing a gown if the procedure was to transplant a chip in her arm.

Also, one moment came across as gratuitous. On page 5, when we see David, spread "Mary Kates" legs to essentially sexually abuse her. It was very graphic to me. You don't need to show me this to communicate that "David" is a pedophile. You've already implied that before on page 2 when David adjusted his belt.

I would encourage you find another way to write this moment if you think it's necessary to convey David's pedophilia in a literal way.

The most important take away is if Mary Kate is the protagonist, she needs to become more active. Things shouldn't just happen to her, she must engage and show us how strong she really is. She is strong enough to do what her mother cannot; set a trap to catch her creep of a  father and lock him away.

That leads me to the last moment. The fact we focus on David's menacing eyes, implies that Abby and Mary Kate are still not safe. If that turns out to be the case it puts David back in control. Hence the ending would lack poetic-justice.


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SAC
Posted: May 15th, 2018, 10:16pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Eric,

Thanks for reading this. I'll try to answer your questions best I can.

The mother did know Mark Kate was being abused. By inserting the chip it meant she wouldn't have had to call CMS or the police. I feel Abby was scared to call the cops in the first place, as she was abused as well. Some are just scared to tell.

I think I explained there was a way to turn the chip on and off. i feel by the swat team coming that it would be safe to assume it'd been turned on. I didn't feel I needed to show the exact moment it was turned on.

It's fair to say David figured out the chip was in her arm. Maybe it's the latest thing everyone's talking about. perhaps I could have communicated that better.

I agree about the gratuitous part, although it wasn't gratuitous at all. I really wanted to show how sick David was, but I might have gone too far. That's understandable.

About Mary Kate being strong willed. That's the whole thing, she's not strong willed. Neither is her mother, hence the reason why they set the trap.

No poetic justice here. I wanted that. David is back in control, and he's pissed.

Hope this answers some of your questions. I wrote this a while ago, and people were confused back then as well.

Steve


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SAC
Posted: March 13th, 2019, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
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Little gratuitous bump here. A film student filmed this and just emailed to say it was complete and came out really well. That’s nice to hear. I’ll see if I can post it when it comes in. Funny, I’d forgotten that it was being made.


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Warren
Posted: March 13th, 2019, 7:25pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats, Steve.

I look forward to seeing it.



Revision History (1 edits)
Warren  -  March 14th, 2019, 3:24pm
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eldave1
Posted: March 14th, 2019, 10:12am Report to Moderator
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Look forward to it


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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SAC
Posted: March 14th, 2019, 3:22pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks, guys. I hope to see it at some point myself.


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