SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 19th, 2024, 12:15am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Fault Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Fault  (currently 4860 views)
Don
Posted: May 17th, 2015, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16369
Posts Per Day
1.94
Fault by Steven Clark - Short, Drama - In a time when emotional pain is a crime, a teen must decide the fate of a loved one. 9 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  May 18th, 2015, 9:03am
added page count
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Marcela
Posted: May 18th, 2015, 5:48am Report to Moderator
New


Location
Nottingham, UK
Posts
153
Posts Per Day
0.05
Hey Steven, I love the logline - very intriguing. The whole script written in very intriguing way, kept me on my toes! And then I got completely lost, didn't understand the ending, so I read it again, and I'm still not sure why they took the daughter away instead of the father?


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 40
SAC
Posted: May 18th, 2015, 6:54am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Hi Marcela,

Thanks for reading and welcome to the boards!

I sent this one to three people before posting and they all had the same issues -- they didn't understand it. I tidied it up and tried to add a bit more clarity but not sure if I succeeded. I'll wait and see if more peeps have the same thoughts as you before responding.

Thanks again!

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 40
TonyDionisio
Posted: May 18th, 2015, 8:48am Report to Moderator
Been Around


Damnit, get to the point!

Location
Tennessee
Posts
768
Posts Per Day
0.20
Steven,

Solid and deep stuff. In regards to the logline and why it works:

"In a time when emotional pain is a crime, a teen must decide the fate of a loved one."

You have set the genre, sci-fi type. Set a new rule of crime that everyone has committed at some point.

You have a protagonist and an absolute goal. Your stakes are a loved one.

So, it works well.

The writing is great, as usual. Very descriptive.

Only thing I change is the resolve stopeed a bit short of the outcome. Now I know people love to force the audience into using their imagination but I like a little more since you did say the Protag had a major involvement with the fate of a loved one.

Otherwise, GL with the script

Tony
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 3 - 40
Dreamscale
Posted: May 18th, 2015, 10:24am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Very dark with little redeeming qualities, in terms of the material.

This didn't work for me, as written, but I can see why others may be intrigued.

Everything here is based on the Flashback, and once it's shown, the end will go 1 of a few ways - the way it does go, does not seem to make sense, based on the setup.

I detest asides, so the end was tough for me to get through without groaning out loud, but I'm sure others will not have any problem with them.

Writing-wise, it's not for me, either, but no serious issues.  Slugs are extremely bland.  Writing comes off a bit bland to me, even though you've actually overdid it with many completely unnecessary details.

On the positive side, you have painted a picture here that's both memorable and somewhat unique.  I definitely feel for little Mary Kate and loath both her parents.

Biggest issue I have is the ending, as it doesn't deliver the power, your setup promised, and for me, that's always going to be a death blow.

Interesting short, though, Steven.  Good work.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 4 - 40
stevemiles
Posted: May 18th, 2015, 10:57am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
745
Posts Per Day
0.16
Steve,

Minor niggle -- not sure about the ‘Where’s the victim…’ line -- wouldn’t the tech. pinpoint the victim?  I mean they made it this far -- thought that would be the point of the device.  

Anyways, gave this a second read to see what I missed the first time.  Have to say, I’m lost as to the intention.  What was with the second red mark on Mary Kate’s neck when they took her out?  David causes her emotional distress yet she's the one they take away?  Think the concept needs more exploring as I don't really understand the 'rules' governing the implant.

Is the point to rescue her from him/the environment she’s in?  Or is David seen as the victim here with her being taken away?  I’m confused on this issue.  If you’re playing this straight then how would these ‘officers’ see her as the threat?

Feel like I’m missing something -- something very dark... Maybe I need more coffee...  


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 5 - 40
RichardR
Posted: May 18th, 2015, 3:15pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Posts
889
Posts Per Day
0.26
Steve,

Cryptic comments are often the best...or is it the worst?  Carry on.

I think I understand this a bit.  The dad is a predator who beats his wife and rapes his daughter.  Mom and daughter manage to implant a chip in daughter that trips some sort of alarm the brings the police who will take her away.  Seems a bit contrived, but if it's the only way, I'll buy it. Of course, that leaves mom at home to face the music, and it won't be all boogey.  

I think you can flesh this out by showing a bit of their efforts up to this point.  I mean, in a future society, dad would have been found out early, right?  I mean if mom is willing to get beat up for her daughter, what stops mom from calling the cops?  But she can't, so she has the daughter taken away.  Shouldn't her plan also account for dad?  

A bit more about the rules of the chip and the society would help explain the problems people have with this one.

Best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 40
SAC
Posted: May 19th, 2015, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Thanks for the reads Jeff, Steve, Tony & Richard! I'll try to get back to you individually with some of your points.

SPOILERS

The gist of the story was to show that Mary Kate was the one taken away strictly because she blamed herself for the situation. As she was carried out, she admitted as much to her mother, and I'm not quite sure why no one picked up on that. I can say it was my failing as a writer that I didn't find a way to make it clearer.

I knew that the key was the conversation between Abby and the doctor as he explained how the chip works and the implications of implanting it. Perhaps that could be clearer.

I know in some cases of abuse of this nature that the victim will sometimes blame themselves for the other's actions. That was the case here. So in effect, Mary Kate's emotions led the CMS to take her away because, as far as they knew, SHE was the guilty one because that's what she believed.

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 40
Iancou
Posted: May 19th, 2015, 8:09pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Southeastern United States
Posts
159
Posts Per Day
0.04
Steve,

Well written and strong character descriptions and dialogue. As for Mary Kate blaming herself, I got that in


Quoted Text
MARY KATE
(fading)
No... It was my fault, Mommy. It was
mine. I led him on. I...


It was an uncomfortable topic on a couple of levels, but you addressed some of the peculiar nuances of victim psychology here, both in the mother and daughter. You touched on some of the emotional responses in terms of physical reactions, which are filmable. The key will be getting actors that can really capture the emotions of the characters and show what is going on in their heads.

This script would be a low-budget requirement project that could be easily filmed, which definitely helps your chances. Hope it works out for you.

Ian


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 40
SAC
Posted: May 20th, 2015, 9:29am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Jeff,

Hey man. Thanks for reading!

I wanted to address two comments you made. One is the asides. I detest them, too. I used to use more, but I learned my lesson as they always came out sounding too cutesy-cute and didn't add anything. I do still use them, sparingly, when I think they may punctuate a certain moment or a feeling within the character. Basically, as a point I'm trying to get across. But it is a very fine line with asides. I understand.

Another thing, and I'm glad you picked up on it, is the bland comment. That was intentional so I feel now I have succeeded there. Yes, you're right -- the story is kinda dark. I wanted some descriptions to be bland because I felt it would add to the type of story I was trying to tell. What I didn't want, necessarily, was the slugs to be bland. Gotta work on that.

Thanks again.

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 40
LC
Posted: May 20th, 2015, 9:33am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7568
Posts Per Day
1.34
Steve, good to see this up. Did you alter much from the original draft? If you have I'll look forward to giving this a re-read after the OWC. Intrigued with what changes, if any, you have made to it.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 40
Dreamscale
Posted: May 20th, 2015, 10:10am Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from SAC
One is the asides. I detest them, too. I used to use more, but I learned my lesson as they always came out sounding too cutesy-cute and didn't add anything. I do still use them, sparingly, when I think they may punctuate a certain moment or a feeling within the character. Basically, as a point I'm trying to get across. But it is a very fine line with asides. I understand.


LOL...funny.  But, if you're being serious and actually do hate asides, stop using them completely.  Especially in a dark tale like this, as tehy really do completely take the reader out of the story...or maybe remind the reader that it is just a story.


Quoted from SAC
...and I'm glad you picked up on it, is the bland comment. That was intentional so I feel now I have succeeded there. Yes, you're right -- the story is kinda dark. I wanted some descriptions to be bland because I felt it would add to the type of story I was trying to tell.


Steven, I'm glad you said this, because I actually had a feeling it may have been intentional.  And it was effective, so this is a a good lesson writers can learn - try to match your writing to the tone of the piece you're writing.

Take care.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 11 - 40
DustinBowcot
Posted: May 20th, 2015, 10:39am Report to Moderator
Guest User



I don't understand what grounds the father had to blame the mother for anything? After raping his daughter, he has the audacity to blame the mother for the cause of their daughter being taken away... which is cool in a way, but then she accepts that blame. Which jarred with me. Surely she wouldn't be over him raping her daughter so soon that he could switch the tables and apply any level of guilt to her whatsoever.

I also don't understand why they took the daughter away? They should have at least taken both of them? You use subtext to intimate that something bad will happen once the perpetrator has been recognised but why is it the mother and daughter that are punished? She only wanted to help her daughter and yet they end up being victimised further.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 12 - 40
DanC
Posted: May 20th, 2015, 11:47am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1131
Posts Per Day
0.35
I read your script and I think I understand it.  After reading the comments, I might be the first.

First off, before I get to that, I don't understand this world.  So, emotions are bad, then sex would be bad.  Sex releases endorphins and that makes people happy.  

So, I think we need to know the rules.  I mean, are they on meds to keep them from "feeling"?  And how does one live life without feeling?  It's like trying to feel through a coat.  It's not really possible.

So, I didn't understand the world you created.  It isn't sustainable.

Now, as far as the ending goes.  It's a classic case of Stockholm Syndrome.  She's raped by her father, over and over, never-ending.  She starts to sympathize with him.  You even say she just accepts it.

So, emotionally, she's at the emotional stage where she's rationalized it and accepted blame.  Many women that are raped wrongly accept blame for the action.  They somehow deserved it is far too common.  The daughter clearly accepted blame for his actions, mixed in with Stockholm Syndrome b/c she was his prisoner.  Who knows when the abuse started.

But, in a way, I think she realized this was the only way out.  I don't think she's really sorry.  I think she wanted it to stop and in a moment of defiance, she decides she wants out.  So, she allows herself to feel, which is illegal, and that gets her out of the situation.

I think she hated her mom too.  Her mom didn't protect her.  Her mom didn't protect herself, so, how could she protect her?  So, she realized that the only way out is to escape via the chip.

If I was gonna go really deep, what if she's a psychopath that can control her emotional output and she orchestrated and manipulated her mom into getting the chip so that later on she could escape from him.  perhaps that's reading too deep, but, that'd be really cool if I figured that out.

It was good, I just needed more.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 40
Max
Posted: May 23rd, 2015, 1:12pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Ain't nobody write like that, bruh.

Location
UK
Posts
578
Posts Per Day
0.10

Quoted from DustinBowcot
I don't understand what grounds the father had to blame the mother for anything? After raping his daughter, he has the audacity to blame the mother for the cause of their daughter being taken away... which is cool in a way, but then she accepts that blame. Which jarred with me. Surely she wouldn't be over him raping her daughter so soon that he could switch the tables and apply any level of guilt to her whatsoever.

I also don't understand why they took the daughter away? They should have at least taken both of them? You use subtext to intimate that something bad will happen once the perpetrator has been recognised but why is it the mother and daughter that are punished? She only wanted to help her daughter and yet they end up being victimised further.


I just read the script.

Basically he has no grounds to blame anybody... I think that was the point. She accepts the blame because... as you saw in the flashback... she too had a bruise on her face, suggesting that he beats her up as well. As an abuse victim, she's submissive to him.

They took the wrong person away... why? Maybe has something to do with the technology not being 100% perfect, this is a world where maybe the innocent get punished and the guilty get away with it.

Good work I think, snappy little read.

Would like the writer to chime in again so I can ask him a few questions
Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 40
eldave1
Posted: May 23rd, 2015, 6:54pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Nice effort here - I enjoyed it. A couple of nits:


Quoted Text
Mark Kate shrugs.


Think you mean Mary.


Quoted Text
No... It was my fault, Mommy. It was
mine. I led him on. I...


Led him on didn't strike me as a line coming out of a 13 year old girl.

Very nice job.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts

Revision History (1 edits)
eldave1  -  May 24th, 2015, 9:16am
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 15 - 40
SAC
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 12:50am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79

Quoted from LC
Steve, good to see this up. Did you alter much from the original draft? If you have I'll look forward to giving this a re-read after the OWC. Intrigued with what changes, if any, you have made to it.


Hey Libby,

Thanks for checking in, also for reading this before anyone else did.

I did make a few changes, notably in the dialogue between Mary Kate and the doctor. Tried to add a bit more clarity but I still think it needs more. I wanted to stop short of literally spelling it out for the reader, so I'll see what else it may need in that scene the lends more understanding to the set up.

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 16 - 40
DanC
Posted: May 24th, 2015, 1:46am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1131
Posts Per Day
0.35

Quoted from SAC


Hey Libby,

Thanks for checking in, also for reading this before anyone else did.

I did make a few changes, notably in the dialogue between Mary Kate and the doctor. Tried to add a bit more clarity but I still think it needs more. I wanted to stop short of literally spelling it out for the reader, so I'll see what else it may need in that scene the lends more understanding to the set up.


Steve



Hey Steve, nice job with it.  Was I close with my interpretation of it?

It was an interesting read.  

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 17 - 40
Colkurtz8
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 1:33pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.31
Steve

“Mark Kate shrugs.”

- "Mark" should be "Mary"

DR. ADAMS
Right here. See? Learning, memory,
emotions... It's all broken down into
categories and sub-categories. Watch.
Mary Kate, try and think of something
happy. A happy thought.

- Are we in the future here or does this technology exist today?

DR. ADAMS
Are you sure? Because they will come
for whoever is causing her emotional
distress. The C.M.S. doesn't ask
questions. I've seen cases before
where--

- Oh, is she an android of some sort? Reading on...

“He gently caresses her cheek, offers a smile full of yellow
stained teeth.”

- Ah, never trust I guy with stained yellow teeth. I knew there was something off about him

Seriously though, I don’t mean to make light of what is an uncomfortable and troubling scene. I thought he just physically abused her and Abby (not that that's ok or anything of course) but the sexual element does add to the tragedy and depravity of the situation.

ABBY
No, no. You don't understand...
(to the men)
She doesn't understand! He's a
predator! He's a—

- I would leave out the word “predator”. Too on-the-nose and informal, like she's quoting a news article.

So I’m still unsure whether she is all android or just the chip, I’m going with the former. In either case we are in the future here as either technology hasn’t been developed yet, at least to my knowledge. I’m not saying this should be clarified up front, I understand its part of the surprise to find out what Mary Kate actually is, I’m just confirming it for myself.

In essence I think you’ve got the makings of a great story here. This couple adopts one of these androids, the husband is abusive so the wife takes measures to get rid of him by installing the chip to alert her manufactures of mistreatment of their product. However, in order for this ploy to work, it requires a sacrifice of the android’s dignity. Abby essentially takes away her daughter’s free will, encourages her, or at least stands by passively, while David does these horrible things to her, for what she sees is the greater good.

This is particularly resonant at the end when Mary Kate, with all the innocence of a child, blames herself for “leading him on”. She simply doesn’t understand what Abby was trying to do, as flawed a plan as it was.

While the ending is tragic and cruelly ironic in that not only is Mary Kate been taken away but David is not, I did wonder how this came to be.

DR. ADAMS
Are you sure? Because they will come
for whoever is causing her emotional
distress. The C.M.S. doesn't ask
questions. I've seen cases before
where—

Doesn’t Dr. Adams say here that C.M.S would come for the perpetrator, not the victim? That’s evidently how Abby interpreted it and I did too. So why would he (or should I say you, the writer) mislead Abby (and us) like that...other than to have the shocking ending we get? Also, even if Abby had misinterpreted Dr. Adams in some way, surely she would’ve read the fine print in regards putting in the chip before any steps were taken. It seems implausible that she would make such a grave mistake.

As a result, I did have a problem with the ending, it just doesn’t make much sense other then imply Dr. Adams is a liar or Abby was very foolish. I appreciate that you want to punish her for the decision she made in letting David have his way with Mary Kate but the whole thing left a bad impression on me for the reasons I stated above.

Of course I could be doing some misreading of my own and you could have a perfectly reasonable explanation for the way things transpire as they do.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 18 - 40
SAC
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Dan,

Thanks for reading, man. You were close, but in no way did I intend this script to be misleading, or start up a guessing game as to what's really going on here.

But you were right in stating that Mary Kate blames herself. An in that regard, if she's the one to blame and her mislead emotions are reading that way, then she would be the one taken away by the CMS. I actually forgot what the acronym means.

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 19 - 40
SAC
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 6:30pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79

Quoted from Max


I just read the script.

Basically he has no grounds to blame anybody... I think that was the point. She accepts the blame because... as you saw in the flashback... she too had a bruise on her face, suggesting that he beats her up as well. As an abuse victim, she's submissive to him.

They took the wrong person away... why? Maybe has something to do with the technology not being 100% perfect, this is a world where maybe the innocent get punished and the guilty get away with it.

Good work I think, snappy little read.

Would like the writer to chime in again so I can ask him a few questions


Max,

Thanks for checking this out. But they did take the right person away. Mary Kate blames herself, so her emotions would read, to the powers that be, that she is the guilty one.

I hope this clears up the confusion, and I also welcome any suggestions as to how I can clarify this even further. I don't think it's a big rewrite, maybe just a line or two of dialogue, I think.

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 20 - 40
Max
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 7:04pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Ain't nobody write like that, bruh.

Location
UK
Posts
578
Posts Per Day
0.10

Quoted from SAC


Max,

Thanks for checking this out. But they did take the right person away. Mary Kate blames herself, so her emotions would read, to the powers that be, that she is the guilty one.

I hope this clears up the confusion, and I also welcome any suggestions as to how I can clarify this even further. I don't think it's a big rewrite, maybe just a line or two of dialogue, I think.

Steve


Wow, okay, I get it.

It's a tricky premise to work with, because essentially what you're saying here is that everybody who blames themselves would get fucked over by this state of the art technology.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 21 - 40
SAC
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 7:33pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Well, right. I guess it is tricky. Abby's intentions were in the right place. She thought they'd take her abusive husband away, but it backfired. Anyway, that's the gist if it. No secret.

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 22 - 40
Max
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 8:19pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Ain't nobody write like that, bruh.

Location
UK
Posts
578
Posts Per Day
0.10
This is some Minority Report typa shit.

lol.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 23 - 40
LC
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 8:27pm Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7568
Posts Per Day
1.34

Quoted from Max
This is some Minority Report typa shit. lol.

SS review of the year. Steve, you should put this one of Fen's in your sig under the script title.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 24 - 40
Max
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 8:35pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Ain't nobody write like that, bruh.

Location
UK
Posts
578
Posts Per Day
0.10

Quoted from LC

SS review of the year. Steve, you should put this one of Fen's in your sig under the script title.



Haha, I'm just messing

Concepts like these are tricky to figure out. Plus, sometimes you have to put a bit of exposition in there to flesh things out for the reader, which can sometimes fall flat.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 25 - 40
SAC
Posted: June 20th, 2015, 8:29pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Eldave,

Thanks for reading and commenting. I'm glad that you liked it.

Col,

Thanks for reading. No, Mary Kate is not an android. She's all human. The chip that was implanted in her was meant to monitor her emotions, and lead the police, or CMS, to take into custody whoever was causing her emotional distress. The way it turns out, that person was her simply because she blamed herself for the abuse all along. But I can understand your confusion.

This still needs a bit of tweaking, I reckon, as its just not clear the way it's written. But it's really an easy fix, when I think about it.

Hope to see something of yours on the boards soon, Col!

Steve

BTW, a few people mentioned Minority Report after reading this. I think that's some cool shit, right there!


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 26 - 40
Colkurtz8
Posted: June 21st, 2015, 5:11am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
--> Over There
Posts
1731
Posts Per Day
0.31
Steve


Quoted from SAC
Thanks for reading. No, Mary Kate is not an android. She's all human.


- Oh dear, that's a major misinterpretation on my part then.


Quoted from SAC
The chip that was implanted in her was meant to monitor her emotions, and lead the police, or CMS, to take into custody whoever was causing her emotional distress.


- I got that part but thought the chip activation was just an extra precaution to protect these androids from mistreatment by their human owners. Since they have become so human-like they've been given human rights, so to speak.

Also, the fact that the authority was called C.M.S who I've never heard before (and sound privatized for some reason) gave me the impression that we were in the future. That this was some new organisation set up to monitor and police these androids. So you see, my mind went waaaay down the rabbit hole.


Quoted from SAC
The way it turns out, that person was her simply because she blamed herself for the abuse all along. But I can understand your confusion.


- This is a great concept actually which makes me see the ending in a whole new light. I should've picked up on it. However, one has to assume that it will only be a matter of time, after some questioning from C.M.S, for them to figure out what's going on and come back for David.

Still, in regards providing a ironic and tragic ending, it works. Good job with that.

Col.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 27 - 40
Mr.Z
Posted: July 3rd, 2015, 10:49am Report to Moderator
Been Around



Location
Buenos Aires - Argentina
Posts
743
Posts Per Day
0.11
Hi Steven,

Love sci-fi, so this was right up my alley. The family dynamics were pretty clear; the dad hits the wife and abuses the daughter. That worked well.

What was a bit of a head-scratcher was the deal with the chip and why the authorities take the daughter away. I gather that this world you created isn't like ours, that it functions differently; I think you need to explain the rules a little more so we know how this world works. That would allow for a deeper understanding of the story as it unfolds.

Very intriguing piece though. Good job.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 28 - 40
SAC
Posted: July 3rd, 2015, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Z,

Thanks for the read. I listed the genre as drama, but its really sci-fi, I suppose. Never tried sci-fi so this was a bit of a stretch for me. But drama is at the heart of this and that's where I'm comfortable.

I agree it needs fleshing out to get a better picture of this world. I don't see it as much different than ours, but its a little different. The doctor explained to Abby that the CMS will take away whoever is causing Mary Kate's emotional distress. Since Mary Kate blames herself, she is the one taken away, leaving the father as the "victim," so to speak. Now that I think of it, it's also a commentary on the state of the system, where they just kinda go "by the numbers." Not taking feelings and extenuating circumstances into consideration.

Thanks again for the read!

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 29 - 40
LC
Posted: July 4th, 2015, 3:33am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7568
Posts Per Day
1.34
Stevo!

Finally got around to checking out the changes you made, and I see it is a lot clearer than in the original draft. That said, to familiarize myself with what was going on I did have to read it twice.

These are the notes I wrote down as I read:

I don't understand the SLUG - HALLWAY
Abby talks to the doctor out there? Presumably Mary Kate is still in the doc's room? I'd think about reversing that. Minor nitpick.

DR. ADAMS
Are you sure? Because they will come
for whoever is causing her emotional
distress. The C.M.S. doesn't ask
questions. I've seen cases before
where--

Okay, here's where I have a problem re story. This dialogue (above) really points to the imperfection of the current 'system'. The doctor is warning the Mum effectively that things could go wrong (dialogue points to the fact they obviously have before - i.e., taken away the wrong person) which leads me to question why is 'Mum' being so obstinate and waving Doc's warning away. And what kind of system is it that this type of error can occur. Of course I get that this is the premise of the whole story but surely it'd be more dramatic if the doctor said nothing can go wrong - it's a system we've perfected etc.

Moving on:
I do not like this line of dialogue, sorry. Now, not only is the system imperfect but these guys also don't know who they're looking for. They need to appear at least that they know what they're doing, surely.

MAN #1
(to Abby)
Where's the victim? Where's the
victim?

How did the Swat mob finally work it out - from the device that's been attached to her?

I understand that Mary Kate ends up being the guilty party because she's the one causing herself emotional distress. Hence she's led away. As far as she's concerned she's to blame for her father violating her. The old 'She was wearing a very short skirt, your honour. She was asking for it'.  That about right?

However, I'm trying to imagine this played out on screen and imh you're expecting a heck of a lot from you audience in not just figuring all of this out but in also buying into a system that on the one hand is supposed to be rather evolved/futuristic/sophisticated, and yet so flawed. Victims of abuse are typically going to blame themselves in part for what's going on - it's commonplace - their emotions are going to register that. It's already been established Mary Kate is unable to register a happy thought.

You could argue all of this is the key to the story you're telling - to this world. I just think you need more examples of this flawed futuristic society for it to be effective.

Perhaps if Mary Kate were to have a conversation with one of her friends - or in therapy discuss her feelings of self-loathing.

I don't know I could be wrong - perhaps the dark nature of this is all that is needed for it to have the effect you want. It's definitely a very imaginative idea, but I think it needs the futuristic element ramped up at the very least - not 'flying cars and shiny robots' futuristic, but dark and bleak.

There's lots to like in the tone and sinister feel of this and despite my reservations with your story I really like this but I think you need to go further with it in terms of perhaps creating a futuristic society that has a lot of technological things going wrong.

Well written as usual. Asides didn't pull me out of the story or bother me either, btw.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 30 - 40
Warren
Posted: April 23rd, 2018, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.37
Hi Steven,

What a fantastic piece. Gave me chills.

I obviously don’t know what the original version looked like, but this is clear enough to get the gist of what’s going on. We obviously don’t understand it all, but it doesn’t impact the core of the story.

I can’t really fault it, but if I had to it would be a small nit. I'm really not a fan of characters being listed as #1, #2, and #3. Other that the fact that it looks god-awful in a script, I think they can be differentiated in a better way. Maybe a simple description then link that to the character, if you know what I mean. Probably a little harder to do with three guys all dressed in tactical gear.

Wouldn’t really matter if you didn’t change it though.

Great work!


Logged
Private Message Reply: 31 - 40
SAC
Posted: April 23rd, 2018, 8:54pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Warren,

Hey man. Thanks for digging this up. Had so many issues trying to get people to understand what was happening early on, so I'm happy you got it.

One of my darker scripts for sure. In regards to #1, 2 and 3. As you can see, this was last commented on three years ago. Today, perhaps, I might change the names, or did something different with it. Don't know, really. Been so long!

But thanks again for reading this. I've got a bunch of scripts on here, with only a small handful I consider good. This is one of them, imo.

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 32 - 40
Warren
Posted: April 23rd, 2018, 9:04pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.37
Totally agree, it's a really good script.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 33 - 40
SAC
Posted: April 23rd, 2018, 10:07pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79

Quoted from Warren
Totally agree, it's a really good script.


Thanks, Warren. I appreciate you saying that. Man, you on some kind of reading binge!


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 34 - 40
EricP
Posted: May 6th, 2018, 2:41pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
18
Posts Per Day
0.01

Quoted from Don
Fault by Steven Clark - Short, Drama - In a time when emotional pain is a crime, a teen must decide the fate of a loved one. 9 pages - pdf, format


Hi Steve,

thanks for sharing your script.

I had a bit of trouble getting into this one. The writing was polished, but I was confused in some parts.

Based on the log-line I expected the teen to be the protagonist. However in this story she was a passive character, not an active one. The story lacked a clear-cut protagonist, which left me a bit confused. The story contains quiet a few plot-holes.

Mary Kate communicated to the doctor that she was being abused. The blank screen  meant she was calling for help, but why didn't the mother already know this? If the doctor had to try and persuade Abby to call the C.M.S. this would imply that Abby knew what was happening to Mary Kate.

We also don't actually know when the chip was used. The C.M.S. came in like a swat team - which is a bit over the top - then arrested David while he was sexually abusing Mary Kate.  

David exclaims, "you put the God dam chip in her", but the story doesn't flush out how David knew about the chip in the first place.

Once again, why would the Doctor and Abby go to all the trouble in putting in the chip in Mary Kate, when they could have just called 9-1-1 at the doctors office?  

Also, I don't think Mary Kate would be wearing a gown if the procedure was to transplant a chip in her arm.

Also, one moment came across as gratuitous. On page 5, when we see David, spread "Mary Kates" legs to essentially sexually abuse her. It was very graphic to me. You don't need to show me this to communicate that "David" is a pedophile. You've already implied that before on page 2 when David adjusted his belt.

I would encourage you find another way to write this moment if you think it's necessary to convey David's pedophilia in a literal way.

The most important take away is if Mary Kate is the protagonist, she needs to become more active. Things shouldn't just happen to her, she must engage and show us how strong she really is. She is strong enough to do what her mother cannot; set a trap to catch her creep of a  father and lock him away.

That leads me to the last moment. The fact we focus on David's menacing eyes, implies that Abby and Mary Kate are still not safe. If that turns out to be the case it puts David back in control. Hence the ending would lack poetic-justice.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 35 - 40
SAC
Posted: May 15th, 2018, 10:16pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Eric,

Thanks for reading this. I'll try to answer your questions best I can.

The mother did know Mark Kate was being abused. By inserting the chip it meant she wouldn't have had to call CMS or the police. I feel Abby was scared to call the cops in the first place, as she was abused as well. Some are just scared to tell.

I think I explained there was a way to turn the chip on and off. i feel by the swat team coming that it would be safe to assume it'd been turned on. I didn't feel I needed to show the exact moment it was turned on.

It's fair to say David figured out the chip was in her arm. Maybe it's the latest thing everyone's talking about. perhaps I could have communicated that better.

I agree about the gratuitous part, although it wasn't gratuitous at all. I really wanted to show how sick David was, but I might have gone too far. That's understandable.

About Mary Kate being strong willed. That's the whole thing, she's not strong willed. Neither is her mother, hence the reason why they set the trap.

No poetic justice here. I wanted that. David is back in control, and he's pissed.

Hope this answers some of your questions. I wrote this a while ago, and people were confused back then as well.

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 36 - 40
SAC
Posted: March 13th, 2019, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Little gratuitous bump here. A film student filmed this and just emailed to say it was complete and came out really well. That’s nice to hear. I’ll see if I can post it when it comes in. Funny, I’d forgotten that it was being made.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 37 - 40
Warren
Posted: March 13th, 2019, 7:25pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.37
Congrats, Steve.

I look forward to seeing it.



Revision History (1 edits)
Warren  -  March 14th, 2019, 3:24pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 38 - 40
eldave1
Posted: March 14th, 2019, 10:12am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Southern California
Posts
6874
Posts Per Day
1.95
Look forward to it


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 39 - 40
SAC
Posted: March 14th, 2019, 3:22pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Thanks, guys. I hope to see it at some point myself.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 40 - 40
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006