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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Tell-Tale Bag Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Tell-Tale Bag  (currently 1170 views)
Don
Posted: June 7th, 2015, 10:47am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Tell-Tale Bag by Paul Nash - Short, Comedy - A 40s businessman’s tenuous grip on reality is snapped by his huge, creaking sports bag and the stress of the city around him. 5 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  January 17th, 2018, 5:46pm
revised draft
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 8th, 2015, 7:18am Report to Moderator
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Very interesting story. Nice work. Would make for a quirky little short.
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DanC
Posted: June 9th, 2015, 7:09am Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Hey Paul,
    I'm gonna give this a read.  Good luck.  Hope I like it...

1.  If everything is in the POV of the walker, how do we know what he looks like?  We need to see him looking in a mirror or something.

2.  It was a fast easy read.  don't take this wrong, but, Poe ,you are not.  This story doesn't have nearly the depth of the Tell-Tale Heart.

I think if you had more answers it might be cool, but, overall, you have a very unlikeable protag that we only see is POV for most of the film.  Not very exciting stuff.

I'd work on adding more depth to the characters and the dreaded phone call...

Good luck with it
Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Fausto
Posted: January 20th, 2018, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
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Paul, the basic story is there...but, it needs more depth and personality. Try to rewrite.
My best,
Fausto
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Paul Nash
Posted: January 23rd, 2018, 2:39pm Report to Moderator
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Cool, thanks for the very useful feedback.

Paul
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