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“A fruit machine silently flashes false promises.”
- Good prose.
Indeed. Good to hear from you, Col. Sorry for the delay. Had a lot on. I always enjoy your reviews. You're one of those who read properly and give good advice. There's not enough of that about.
“Terry checks a chair for dampness - not impressed.”
- How does one do this? Lick a finger and point it skyward? I sure hope so
Oh no. I had this image of him touching the chair with his hand. This is what I meant. I see now it's a bit more vague than intended. Like my lovemaking.
- "Trilby and a long coat" you say? Also, given that Will seemingly appeared out of thin air, I really hope he's not the devil or some mysterious omnipotent stranger we see all too much of.
Eh? I wear a long coat and a trilby. And I'm fairly sure I'm not the prince of darkness. To me it just looks like a middle aged bloke who's probably into music.
- I get Terry isn't the type to ask questions when free beer is at stake but this improbable offer should send the most deadened of alarm bells a jinglin'.
Often used to happen to me during my drinking days. Guys on their own often wanna play pool. They often buy a pint to get you to play.
- So is Will buying him a pint now too on top of the pool game offer? Just curious.
Yeah. This fella did that for me once. At the time I looked even more wonderful than ever, as I had very long hair. It was when he told me he wanted to massage me that I made my excuses and left.
- So did Terry really have no way of making it "more interesting"? If so, why bring it up? Was it just a lame attempt to talk tough and Will called his bluff?
He intends to win. I suppose he did call his bluff.
WILL So we installed some cameras in our bedrooms. Of course, you could have taken them somewhere else, a hotel, a car, or your own house.
- Wouldn't there have been a strong possibility of Terry recognizing Will if he was in his house screwing his wife? Seems a risky approach for he and Barman to take in executing this revenge plan.
I considered that. Even if he did then Terry would assume Will didn't know, so he wouldn't have worried about it.
“Will nods. Terry picks up his glass. Raises it to his mouth. But it slips from his grip before it gets there.”
- What a trooper! Or just a pisshead. Even when he's been poisoned and on death's door he still takes their word that it’s a clean drink just to get it down him.
Yes. I used to be a bit like that. Felt a bit ill on a night out about 8pm. Went in the loo, threw up, then came out and sank a pint.
“He opens them to reveal his phone on the chair still recording audio. He uses a knuckle to stop it.”
- Eh? How did he have the foreknowledge to record the conversation? Why would he have been suspicious of Will? Obviously he couldn't do after the poison has taken hold so he must have done it when Will when to get the drinks. Also, the word "still" suggests this was set up or referred to earlier but I didn't see any mention of Terry's phone before now.
I think I've mentioned this before but I've met a few types who record loads of conversations without other people knowing. Which suited me.
I wasn't of the idea that I needed to foreshadow the phone. I tried it, didn't like it so out it came,.
It also struck me as a rather filmy type thing that I'd get away with.
I really dug the first half of this. I loved how Will played Terry both on and off the pool table. That realization from the latter on page 4 that he felt as if he had given away the pint and 50 quid was amusing and understandable because of how the game went down, so close yet so far away. I liked that touch.
Given my initial suspicions that Will was some all knowing other worldly figure was reinforced by how he seemed so in control of the game and its outcome. His feathers were never ruffled even when staring defeat in the face, always calm, assured he would win.
Okay. I thought you were just about get dissapointed. Glad you haven't yet.
The story shifts in the second half where we get backstory shoehorned in for motive. Unfortunately, it felt crowded and purely expository, all delivered via dialogue. Then there’s this super poison concocted made by Will himself (so this guy wasn’t the devil, just a brilliant, vindictive chemist ) and the whole thing turns into a rather uninspired, by-the-numbers revenge tale...in a beer garden...with homemade poison...
It’s like Patricia Highsmith by way of Shane Meadows which sounds kinda great but here within an 8 page script I just didn't buy it. It all seemed overly elaborate and implausible. Why the whole pool and bet charade? Why not just get talking to Terry, go on rounds and spike his drink then? I dunno, is it working on some allegorical level there, pool and screwing people's wives? Also, the final twist of Terry having recorded the whole thing felt bolted on to give us an “ah ha” moment which didn’t make much sense to me for the reason I mentioned in the note above.
He wants to weigh up the guy who is shagging his wife. He's also waiting for his moment.
There's a bit of metaphor and allegory going on. But I doubt you'd be interested now.
As a big fan of pool, I would've been happy to watch the two men banter over another game. Not much of a story there I know but the script was at its best in those moments.
Me too. But I suspected it might have bored the arse of the majority.
Oh no. I had this image of him touching the chair with his hand. This is what I meant. I see now it's a bit more vague than intended. Like my lovemaking.
Sorry, my bad, I thought it was "air" not "chair", hence the "skyward" comment. Ignore.
Eh? I wear a long coat and a trilby. And I'm fairly sure I'm not the prince of darkness. To me it just looks like a middle aged bloke who's probably into music.
Yes but you know those sartorially hip gents that so often appear (predominately from nowhere) in films; silver tongued and effortlessly cool i.e. the devil!
Yeah. This fella did that for me once. At the time I looked even more wonderful than ever, as I had very long hair. It was when he told me he wanted to massage me that I made my excuses and left.
Yup, I draw the line at massages too...now if he says he's going to include oils, perhaps a hot stone or two, then I may reconsider.
I considered that. Even if he did then Terry would assume Will didn't know, so he wouldn't have worried about it.
It would've made Terry extra wary of him though. They way he turns up like this in the beer garden, offering to buy him drinks and play pool. Set up/trap ahoy!
I'll impress you with a script one day. Just don't hold your breath.
Oh you have, my pert posterior(ed) friend, I remember really liking "Green" from some time ago, the one about the art exhibition. "Sandwich" too had its moments. I'm sure there has been others that slip my mind right now.
Nice writing and good imagery especially at the beginning.
Thoughts...
# Seems to take a while for its length to get to the revenge thing
# The character as presented to us doesn't seem like a lothario - could we have an initial scene Where he tries and fails with a rough looking bird at the bar? Or is jealous of another couple showing he doesn't give a toss about other folks relationships
# to justify the completion of his back revenge I think it would be handy to show things weren't just on their side - ie they could have confronted him but choose not, or they have a medicine for it but won't give it....
Perhaps a final scene could be him behind the bar, possibly a new name to it, where has introduced couples night. Wink wink
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Yes but you know those sartorially hip gents that so often appear (predominately from nowhere) in films; silver tongued and effortlessly cool i.e. the devil!
I see what you're saying, and there's truth in that. But at the same time he didn't have horns and goats legs. Plus I could say it was a little misdirection on my part, but I'd doubt I'd get away with it.
Nah, we call people "fu?kers" all the time where I'm from, even virgins.
Well they do in land of black and tans too. But I'm sure there are quite a few out there who do use it literally. Much like people say fuck off when they don't believe you, or think you're exaggerating.
I used to have the habit that when someone at work told me to fuck off, I used to literally do so.
It would've made Terry extra wary of him though. They way he turns up like this in the beer garden, offering to buy him beer and play pool. Set up/trap ahoy!
Well yes, or maybe he got wise to it and wanted to see what they were gonna do. But just because someone offers to buy you a pint if you pool with them isn't always a trap.
Really? Ah come now, Ren, that's a bit too convenient don't you think? Obviously you don't since you said it suited you so I'll leave it at that.
Well, convenient is one way to look at it. But there's a few ways it can be viewed. As I said earlier, maybe he was getting wise to it and wanted to see what'd happen, hence the recording - just in case. Or, another way to look at this response is 'I'm backtracking and trying to cover my ever pert behind'.
Of course I am, that's why I asked? I'm always curious to understand a writer's intentions.
Alrighty then. I thought you'd have not been bothered as it seemed to fizzle out for you. Pool did seem to fit with the adultery business, men waving sticks around etc.
There's also the bit where Terry is checking the slots on machines for spare change, and he shouldn't be. The generousity of Will when Terry has already been helping himself. There's a few things like that.
Oh you have, my pert posterior(ed) friend, I remember really liking "Green" from some time ago, the one about the art exhibition. "Sandwich" too had its moments. I'm sure there has been other s that slip my mind right now.
Col.
Thanks, Col. I'd forgotten about Green myself. I must dig it out, freshen it up and stick it back up here.
Alright Reef. Every time I see your name I'm reminded of that fine band from Glastonbury. I can hear the riff to 'Naked' in my head. It's a good riff, and its title is merely coincidental, and in absolutely no way implies I want to see you naked. That would be too weird, even for me. Hmmm, I probably should have picked a different song...
# The character as presented to us doesn't seem like a lothario - could we have an initial scene Where he tries and fails with a rough looking bird at the bar?
No we couldn't.
He doesn't look like a lothario as I thought that might be too clichéd. He's not a looker as I thought that would be more insulting for Will and Barman. Plus, there's plenty of fellas with faces like bags of spanners who do alright.
Or is jealous of another couple showing he doesn't give a toss about other folks relationshipst to justify the completion of his back revenge I think it would be handy to show things weren't just on their side - ie they could have confronted him but choose not, or they have a medicine for it but won't give it....t
I see what you're saying. And it's an idea. I'll think about it.
Perhaps a final scene could be him behind the bar, possibly a new name to it, where has introduced couples night. Wink wink
All the best
I do quite like your final suggestion. I'll think on that one too. I like to leave things more open to interpretation, but that one's not bad. Which is my way saying good.
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