Steve,
     I write my comments as a virtual newcomer to this screenwriting world. With that said, you can take them coming from a naiveté point of view but with outsider reactions. By this I mean I found this to be a great read. It left me with the emotions that I was suppose to be feeling (I.e. fear for lives when David notices the gun and sadness when David is approached by Len). My rookie status also didn't read two parts like the others were mentioning; I'm not sure if that's even good or bad. I thought it flowed nicely. The only thing I did notice and maybe the others can correct me but it seemed to me that too many things were capitalized that didn't need to be. It distracted me a little but I'm just a baby screenwriter so maybe it's fine. All in all I thought it was well done. Good luck and Godspeed Steve.
  

Col,

I don't thinks its your heathen mindset, I have come to see that it's admittedly a bad way to end this story. Not bad really, just the wrong ending. And yes, I do try to find the positives. However, sometimes things need to take an even darker turn, which is what I have in mind for this one.

I very much appreciate the compliments on the first 4 pages from you and others. It's not lost on me. It serves to make me want to look at this again in a different light.

Steve

Quoted from SAC However, sometimes things need to take an even darker turn, which is what I have in mind for this one. It serves to make me want to look at this again in a different light.

I know you're not unequivocally saying this but I didn't necessarily mean it must to "go dark" or be depressing. You can still ultimately engender hope and positivity from this scenario, I just wanted to see more emotional depth and range that considered the events more realistically.

You can understand Leonard's naivete due to his age  but David, after some initial panic/fear, all too readily embraces this transition into the next life which I didn't quite buy. It just didn't seem to do justice to the tragedy that had befallen him. I wanted to see him go through a more staged  progression of fear, anger, denial, acceptance, etc. Perhaps that's too textbook but it would definitely make it more believable and humanizing.

I'm repeating myself now so I'll shut up, you get where I 'm coming from.

Col.

Hi Steven,

Wow. I was afraid of an unhappy ending, but didn't expect that after-life thing.

I get what you were trying to do here, but let me suggest a small change in the structure: Start with David standing in the dark - perhaps even shouting out his son's name. Then tell their sad story through flashbacks. That way, the reader / viewer would be more prepared for the introduction of the supernatural element and the transition to the final scene would be smoother. Just a thought.

Also, perhaps you could change the scene in the school a little bit, with David trying to find Leonard first and then deal with the shooter. What connects the two parts of the script is the idea of a father desperately looking for his son, so I would emphasize it.

You did most things right here – with a few changes this would work fine, IMO.

Manolis

Vinni,

Thank you for the read. I'm glad it worked for you for the most part as written. I don't think your status as a "noob" takes away from your view on the story. In fact, I think it's a good thing as it almost forces you to just think 'story' in a sense. Not too sure about the caps but I will have another look at it.

Thanks again and look forward to seeing some of your work posted soon. If I've missed it please on me and I'll give it a read.

Steve

Quoted from Colkurtz8 I know you're not unequivocally saying this but I didn't necessarily mean it must to "go dark" or be depressing. You can still ultimately engender hope and positivity from this scenario, I just wanted to see more emotional depth and range that considered the events more realistically. You can understand Leonard's naivete due to his age  but David, after some initial panic/fear, all too readily embraces this transition into the next life which I didn't quite buy. It just didn't seem to do justice to the tragedy that had befallen him. I wanted to see him go through a more staged  progression of fear, anger, denial, acceptance, etc. Perhaps that's too textbook but it would definitely make it more believable and humanizing. I'm repeating myself now so I'll shut up, you get where I 'm coming from. Col.

Heathen,

I get what you're saying here, and its an interesting point you make about humanizing it. My angle in the dark void was to suggest that well, since they're in Heaven, what came before is largely inconsequential now. I mean, what does it matter right? Hmm. I think you're right. I think it does matter and if I get to rewrite this ill seriously think about throwing that in there somehow. Thanks.

Steve

Hey Steven, this is my favourite of your scripts so far, I just love it. I think you need to make this into feature, concentrating on the gunman, exploring his motives, live experiences, etc. Something that doesn't show him purely as a monster. The issue is, where do you get this sensitive information, the inner thoughts of somebody who ends up shooting people?
One sentence made me laugh though:
Two bloody teeth CLINK as they hit the floor.
I seriously can't visualise teeth HITTING and CLINKING. They would most likely end up inside his mouth, still partially attached.

Manolis,

Thanks for the notes. Already trying to incorporate them into the next draft.

Steve