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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Ouija Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 21st, 2015, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Ouija by Anthony Cawood - Short, Comedy - A group of friends get more than they bargained for when the hook a Ouija board up to a 3D printer and encounter a presence from the other side. 8 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 13th, 2017, 10:21am
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eldave1
Posted: July 21st, 2015, 6:43pm Report to Moderator
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Anthony - love the premise here - the log line alone sells it. This is a well written script in terms of format, style, etc.

However, it is labeled as a comedy and I didn't find it part particularly funny. Maybe it's just me. I think the premise works better as a horror.  



My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dreamscale
Posted: July 21st, 2015, 7:27pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1
the log line alone sells it.


Uh...the logline has a glaring typo in it.
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Max
Posted: July 21st, 2015, 7:37pm Report to Moderator
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Ain't nobody write like that, bruh.

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Quoted from Dreamscale


Uh...the logline has a glaring typo in it.


I'm more concerned about Anthony's obsession with 3D printing.
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Dreamscale
Posted: July 21st, 2015, 7:46pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Max
I'm more concerned about Anthony's obsession with 3D printing.


I'm more corncerned with your obsession of Conor.  LOL!!

Hey, trust me, I love the guy too, but I prefer looking at your WWE babes compared to Conor's mug.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: July 22nd, 2015, 1:43am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Dave - glad you liked, and could easily work as straight horror but current guise (for me anyway) is comedy horror...

Dreamscale - goddam those typos!

Max - I do like where things like 3D printers can take us, fertile gorund for writers to play in.

Thanks

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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DustinBowcot
Posted: July 22nd, 2015, 4:47am Report to Moderator
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3D printing has been at the back of my mind for a while now. Never had any actual inspiration for a story yet though.

I like that it's 8 pages. The tiny typo in the logline is easy to get past.

Man, are you going to start every action block of every script with an orphan, like a protest? I noticed it in your last script about Father Time but didn't mention it. To see it again here makes it remarkable.

Code

KURT, late 20s, wraith thin, skinny jeans and fitted T,
tinkers with some wires sticking out of an upturned wooden
board.



It's not a big deal. It just would be to me. The thing with this one is that it would be very easy to get rid of. Simply change late 20s to a specific age like 28.

Code

KURT, 28, wraith thin, skinny jeans and fitted T, tinkers 
with some wires sticking out of an upturned wooden board.



It makes for a neater looking script, especially for your first page.

I would like to know the scale of this cabin being built, if you could incorporate that into the story somehow it would aid in clarification.

Code

Thunder rumbles in the night.



I don't think you need 'in the night'. Should really go without saying.

That was good. Very funny, unexpected ending. The build up is horror, but the end is definitely comedy, which actually serves to make it even funnier. At least, for me. It's also an original way to handle the whole ouija board thing... so top marks from me on this one.
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IamGlenn
Posted: July 22nd, 2015, 5:43am Report to Moderator
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:)

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You and this 3D printer, eh?

First thing I'm thinking as reading through is why, on the first page, is Dean constantly OS? He joins them at the table but is still OS, whilst everyone else is in the shot? Maybe I'm missing something..

This was nice. I definitely see this one as a comedy with horror elements. Nicely written, easy to read and the ending was funny. Good job.

Good luck with this.

Glenn.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: July 22nd, 2015, 10:36am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Dustin/Glenn - glad you mostly liked.

Dustin - orphans, I just don't worry about them... The professional reads I've had have never mentioned them, so I've not fixed em... I kinda like the idea of doing it on purpose though, a calling card maybe

Scale of the cabin, meant to be relatively small, will look to incorporate something.

In the night, true not needed, but a little more poetic, all will be reviewed in next draft so may come out.

Glenn, yep 3D printers have sparked a few ideas in my mind, of which a couple have coalesced into scripts so far... i think there's loads more possibilities still with this and other elements of new technology... I've started to refer to my stories that utilise current tech, or imminent tech in a slightly quirky way as NearFi... like SciFi but nearer

The second couple of Dean (O.S.) are an error on my part due to editing and submitting on my iPad... will fix in next iteration - thanks for spotting.

Thanks

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1

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AnthonyCawood  -  July 22nd, 2015, 3:35pm
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Stumpzian
Posted: July 22nd, 2015, 4:22pm Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

I have an orphan thing, too. I labor to rewrite whenever I see one in my own scripts. Probably due to my old newspaper jobs, where we especially didn't want one at the top of a column. We called them "widows."

However, I didn't notice your orphans, probably because I was enjoying the story. You hooked me in, then made me laugh. Props!



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RichardR
Posted: July 23rd, 2015, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

Comments can come from the nether world, no?

This one has all the elements needed but it just doesn't ring true.  Why these four?  Why this cabin?  Why this time?  I would be happier if there was a better setup.  The cabin has always housed voices.  The pink ouija board was used once, and she can't remember exactly what happened, but she thinks it was bad.  

Even better, it's storming and they're locked in, and they're bored to tears.  But he has a 3D printer, and they find the old pink board, and viola, they think it's a good idea.  

And then when the printer starts, where are the recriminations?  I would think there would be plenty of skepticism at this point.  Each accusing the other of sabotage.  And even when they pull the plug, it continues to print...damn.  Now, you have some scary stuff.  Although, someone is still going to scoff.  

In any case, it's good stuff.  A very fine modern idea.  Keep it up.

Best
Richard
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: July 23rd, 2015, 5:21pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Henry/Richard - appreciate the read and glad you liked...

Richard - The 'why' questions you pose... I don't like too much setup and/or explaining too much if I can avoid it, so here I'm coming in to the scene/script intentionally late.

I do like the idea of pulling the plug though, that'll work and be in the next version - many thanks.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Zombie Sean
Posted: August 7th, 2015, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

First off: where is the mention of the printer before it actually starts printing? I read through the first four pages about three times trying to find where the printer has been placed within the group but it's nowhere to be found. You mention wires coming from the board and connecting to some chair, but no mention of a printer or where it's located. The only time we see the printer is when it starts printing. Sorry, that ended up being a bigger peeve than I thought it would but since it's crucial to the story, I feel it should be mentioned somewhere before it starts to print. Even when they say they're ready to test it, we still aren't shown the printer.

As for the rest of the script, I didn't find it incredibly funny until the end because it ended up pretty goofy and I liked it, but otherwise it was just casual conversation. RichardR said it pretty well that you should probably give more background as to why the kids are in the cabin. I liked his idea of someone finding the ouija board, and then someone gets a crazy, drunken idea to attach wires from the board to a 3D printer they conveniently have! Now there's an even more intriguing reason as to why we're seeing what we're seeing.

I like the idea. I like the characters. Flesh out the story some more, and maybe try and throw in some more jokes and gags to emphasize on the 'comedy' portion of the script. My humor tends to be different with a lot of other people, so maybe it just went over my head for the most part, and I can't write comedy to save my life (it's pretty hard to do so in the first place anyway). Quite honestly, I thought that the printer was going to end up printing a 3D dick, but that's just where my head was at

Sean
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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 8th, 2015, 3:16am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Zombie Sean
... a 3D dick, but that's just where my head was at


Say no more, Sean. This is a family board.
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stevemiles
Posted: August 8th, 2015, 4:30am Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

Echoing others here to say I think you’ve got an interesting premise -- could it be better explored as a horror?  Perhaps, but as you say, not your thing.  

Amusing payoff; though the dialogue of the set-up felt a bit throwaway -- light banter to bring us to the actual printer gag.  Think you could inject more humour into the first half.

Richard makes a good point about pulling the plug.

To be honest, I was half expecting a 3D dick to appear as well…  

...just shows what I’d do with the idea.

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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