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Sean/Steve - thanks for the reads, appreciated as always...
Sean - printer is hidden initially so you don't know what the wires are connected to, it's mentioned in dialogue (Pg 2) and then revealed when it starts to print... not sure I gain much by physically showing it any earlier.
Steve - I have a feature idea for a horror version of this, but it's behind a bunch of other ideas in the queue.
Both - 3D dick... plese feel free to write your scripts for this idea and get them up here, sound er... interesting
The logline is a great idea. The payoff wasn't. I didn't laugh.
The characters, even though boys and girls having their own drink, sounded the same.
Is there a word that describes Kurt beyond what he wears, like emo used to be? I'd use that word.
The OS talk bugged me. I guess since I am in the kitchen I don't imagine anyone talking loud enough for someone in another room to hear yet they do and they joing the conversation from the other room then enter the kitchen. Felt unnatural. Most of the dialogue felt unnatural. The aside directions felt unnatural as well, folks shaking their head a few times and I couldn't figure out why and even then that is acting and responses as simple as shaking a head should be left to the actor. Everything they did and said, all the descriptions felt like filler to take up space until the ouija board fired up.
The key props for this are hard to imagine being present in a cabin. Maybe if it was Grace's parents cabin and she used to go every summer and now she's older and decided to invite some friends up and maybe Kurt had to finish his science project and just had to bring along the 3d printer. So they give him shit about it and about him being such a geek. Then they start talking about little things they used to do as Imogen is snooping about and she gets shit about always being a snoop but she opens a cabinet and pulls out this dusty, beat-up ouija board and Grace explains it and she gets shit about if from Dean because Dean thinks uoija is all b.s. Conflict. It then has your props in the cabin in a believable way and you spend time with that, revealing character, instead of empty banter. They don't even have to drink.
The rest, the printer working, even with it being unplugged is cool, but the execution, not so much.
I think this is a great idea, high concept, printing things from beyond, but you have to be careful because you could be caught up in something like selecting lottery numbers and we all saw Back to the Future 2, right?
Maybe one summer Grace's dad got pissed and tossed the game into the lake and the planchette broke and poor grace went in and salvaged her game and poorly glued the planchetter back together, she was sad that day, and Dean says she did a shitty job of gluing, but it's part of Grace's story and then...the printer spits out a new planchette.
Sean - printer is hidden initially so you don't know what the wires are connected to, it's mentioned in dialogue (Pg 2) and then revealed when it starts to print... not sure I gain much by physically showing it any earlier.
I got the idea that it was hidden initially with the wires, but I felt like when it's mentioned in the dialogue, it should be shown. That's my opinion on it, I guess I found it just a bit odd that even though we know there's a 3D printer, it's not shown on camera, according to your script, until it actually starts printing.
Clorox - I think lots of O.S. talking happens in real life and there's a little here... in fact my wife just asked me if I wanted a beer from O.S. to me limited use of it feels/seems more organic, less like a scene is part of a stage play with everyone present and on view - just mho.
Decent point re printer being in the cabin, will try and work something in that makes that a little more sensible. The board is implied I think by the fact that it's a Grace's board given to her when seven, makes you think it's potentially Grace's parents cabin without the need to reveal it via exposition.
Shame the rest didn't work for you, ces't la vie and each to their own.
Great opening descriptions and exchange, especially concerning Grace and Dean.
KURT (sarcastic) Oh yeah, it'll be fun, apparently.
- I'm not too familiar with 3D printers but it’s a cool idea that would intrigue the most apathetic/incredulous of us. Otherwise, it’s just your standard spin on the Ouija board. Thus, I'm surprised at Kurt's lack of interest but I get that you need to have at least one skeptic in the room.
“The printer whirs.”
- Where is the printer exactly? You haven't specified its location. Is it in the next room or nearby or what? A small thing I know but it would do no harm to include this detail as I presume you'll want to cut to it as it’s creating whatever image is generated by the Ouija board.
“The printer begins to create.”
- I appreciate this is fantastical but how (according to the script's internal logic) is it creating the image? I thought it would be connected to the movements of the planchette but that appears to be stationary.
“The planchette moves, takes them all by surprise.”
- Finally!
Once again your fascination with technology is front and center in your writing. As with a lot of your scripts there is a great concept at the heart of this in (assuming Ouija boards to have a tangible connection to the dead) wondering what would happen if you connected a 3D printer to said board in order to physically manifest the image its conveying.
Also, I have to give you credit for injecting such vibrancy into your characters within a so few pages, I enjoyed the skepticism of Kurt, indifference of Dean counteracted by the earnestness of Grace and the just-along-for-the-ride attitude of Imogen. There was some amusing back and forth because of these dynamics as you created a natural, enjoyable banter between the four.
So while I was engaged in the read, engrossed in the suspense of what the 3D printer was going to produce (even among the most un-superstitious of us, Ouija boards can give the chills) it unfortunately didn’t really amount to anything more than a joke. Witnessing the cabin take shape was effectively unsettling and ominous as was the unambiguous demand for the four occupants to get out, however, the jokey punchline and laugh didn’t do much for me. I don’t know what I was expecting or what you could do with it but undercutting the tension you had built with a gag fell felt for me but I get that is just my taste and this is what you were going for. Others will respond more favourably, i guess I would’ve preferred for it to go darker.
Again, really neat concept underpinning this, just not convinced by where you chose to take it.
Many thanks for the read and feedback and insights, they're always useful and appreciated.
Pleased you liked the concept and characterisation, totally understand your reaction to the ending - it does go for the jokey option, that's what was in my head when I started so I went with it. I do see this as potential for expansion and if/when I do get round to it then it will definitely play darker.
By weird co-incidence I optioned the script yesterday!
This is easily one of the best concepts I've seen on SS.
Most of what I feel has been touched upon by Clorox and Col.
You're of course entitled to take your idea where you want (!) but I feel you squandered it here. The first four pages was just too easy to skim read, because nothing is happening other than teenage chit-chat, which is fine with a throwaway piece, but when you have such a rich concept it seems inadvisable to misuse it. And then the climax just doesn't really hit the mark.
Seriously, I kind of want to grab you, shake you and tell you to rewrite this as something more meaty, more horrorific, and to take full advantage of your great idea.
Option or not, I'd start with a fresh script to make use of this idea. It's too good an idea for me to write some flimsy, sensitive comment. Hope you take that in the right way!
Hey Andrew, thanks for taking a look and please shake away
Glad that you like the concept at least, and you aren't alone in thinking I should take it someplace else, most people think darker too. But as stated, the script goes where I wanted it to for now.
When I expand it into a feature you may like it more as that will be darker, well probably.
But as I say, in its current form, it's not something I feel I could work with, plus I'm focusing on features having cut my teeth on a short of my own last year, Wedged.
My company, Synonym Films, is all about this kind of high concept idea mixed with a model meaning it can be filmed cheaply and can be put together with a minimum of locations, crew and cast. That's the slate I'm building going forward - set to that clear template. Blumhouse have been the inspiration with the successes they have had in the US. But I'm firmly of the belief that the UK has a disctinctive voice that can work outside the current wave of filmmaking here that encourages US studios to film at Pinewood and the likes for tax breaks. Same goes with BBC Films, Film Four and Working Title all working with a select group of I-scratch-your-back-you-scratch-mine types.
Please fee free to send on any feature version of this idea going forward to scripts (at) synonymfilms.com - and that goes for any other features that fit that mould.
Wedged sounds intriguing - is it available online?
I applaud your ambition, Blumhouse have a great model and I hope Synonym can follow suit, I look forward to seeing your first feature - fingers crossed you are our next Hammer.
When I get to the feature version of this I'll send it over, in the mean time I have one other feature that may fit your criteria... I'll send it over.