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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Green Moderators: bert
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: August 11th, 2015, 11:20am Report to Moderator
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Hi renza

Not sure why I've called you that other than most seem to have a cool nickname for you !

Typing on a phone so will keep this short. Now' there's a bonus.

Nicely handled, good dialogue and characterisation.

Downsides - could be trimmed without losing much ( I await your amusing take on that line ) and the end probably a little too subtle so it lets it down.

Quite like the idea of the toilet at the show with the critics words printed on the bog paper they have to use.

The relationship with the cabbie was touching. I could almost see a contained feature- like driving miss daisy - of the cabbie who drives the harsh critic

All the best

Ps green dwarves - every script should have one


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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rendevous
Posted: August 14th, 2015, 7:32am Report to Moderator
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My thanks to those who have read and commented. I'll respond to each in time, once I get my act together.


Quoted from RichardR
R,

Comments are rarely fine art.  Enjoy.


I'll try. My comments are poetry. Well, sometimes. Hmm, might be speaking too soon. We shall see.


Quoted from RichardR
The opening sequence seems overlong.


Steady now...


Quoted from RichardR
You might try making it a bit shorter and have Gilby a bit smarter when it comes to Art.   He hasn't gone to all those galleries for nothing.  Can he spout an opinion or informed insight that they can bandy about?


Ooh, I dunno about that. An informed taxi driver? Are you nuts? Besides, I can't imagine Gilby being very knowledgeable about art would add to their conversation.

I went to an art show once - listening to people who know a lot about art was not thrillingly exciting, quite the opposite. They sounded like pretentious wankers.  


Quoted from RichardR
the green motif works fine if over the top.  


Eh? Aw, couldn't you have left after the word 'fine'? Perhaps underlining it or bolding it, just to make sure.

I always wonder about 'over the top'. Didn't seem to bother the makers of Jaws, Fight Club or the Terminator movies, and they did all right.


Quoted from RichardR
It's not my style, but I'm no art maven.


What's a maven? Hang on, I'm gonna look it up.

Ooh, I like that word now. I thought it meant something along the lines of 'whore', but then I would do, I can be a bit daft. Lost my car yesterday, can't remember where I left it. And there's two raw fish in it. Oh dear.


Quoted from RichardR
Then, we get to showtime.  With the tables mostly empty, why the sudden hush.  Did I miss something.  Everyone is gone anyway.


I think you did miss something. They're not all gone. The story focuses on a few key characters at that point. I missed something today too. I was trying to hit a shoplifter with my shoe. He ducked.


Quoted from RichardR
And the final walk through the corridors of no color and out the door to the waiting Gilby.  A swift ride home and the final revelation.  OK, I buy it.  


Sold.


Quoted from RichardR
I think this would benefit from some conflict between Rosie and Fabien.  Some old scar, some new cut.  I'm not sure you need Jacob at all.


But I like Jacob. He's not absolutely necessary, but he's useful when Rosie arrives to show another side to her.


Quoted from RichardR
And if there was an old relationship between the artist and the four people called forward, I think that would be cool too.  Perhaps a revenge motive too?  Just a thought.

Best
Richard


I think that relationship would make this story movie length and I doubt it has the chops to succeed at length. But not a bad idea.

Many thanks, Richard. I enjoyed that, hope you do too.

R


Out Of Character - updated


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Green

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