SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 19th, 2024, 1:08am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Light at the End of the Tunnel Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 7 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    The Light at the End of the Tunnel  (currently 1711 views)
Don
Posted: August 9th, 2015, 9:24am Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16369
Posts Per Day
1.94
The Light at the End of the Tunnel by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) - Short, Horror - Rumor has it that at the end of this tunnel there will appear ghostly lights from a car accident that occurred two decades ago. When three teens attempt to prove the rumor true, they get more than they bargained for when something far more horrifying than a ghost story greets them on the other side. 13 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
RKeller
Posted: August 9th, 2015, 2:46pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
39
Posts Per Day
0.01
1. If others have died here in crashes, these ghost-chasing kids are the dumbest of the dumb.
2. Page 4. Taz is looking out his window but isn't it fogged back there too?
3. Would it make sense for two sets of kids/cars at opposite end of the tunnel performing the same stunt but we see from just one POV?
4. We have several light sources to keep track of: the star light, their blinking head lights, interior light, then blinding lights that come and go unexpectedly.  White light sprays out of the tunnel, so their car exited the tunnel?  The light oncoming "vehicle" had a single light.  If it's an alien or supernatural light, then fine, but if it's, say, a motorcycle, where's the wreckage from that vehicle?
5. Like the light, we have several sound sources to track.  They are fine, but they too seem to come and go without much purpose or source.
6. You have Bethany jumping in the front seat.  Perhaps she's hopping over to the driver's position. She's was in front already and Taz was in back, right?
7. Page 10. Consider a (CON'T) instead of (quietly; afraid).  She continues her dialogue, and we assume she's afraid. Quiet? Not so much, prolly.
8. Right after that, you have Bethany and the car rolling toward the tunnel.  They must've done a 180 or are going backwards
9. "Police asses the scene" Not sure assess is the right word.  The crash site wudda been assessed many minutes ago, and flares would be out before EMT arrives, one would suspect.

Overall, I want some resolution, a denouement of what acutally happen, rather than two high high school teens got killed drving a car.

Hope this helps

Revision History (1 edits)
RKeller  -  August 9th, 2015, 2:58pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 8
Zombie Sean
Posted: August 9th, 2015, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Colorado
Posts
1545
Posts Per Day
0.23

Quoted from RKeller
1. If others have died here in crashes, these ghost-chasing kids are the dumbest of the dumb.
2. Page 4. Taz is looking out his window but isn't it fogged back there too?
3. Would it make sense for two sets of kids/cars at opposite end of the tunnel performing the same stunt but we see from just one POV?
4. We have several light sources to keep track of: the star light, their blinking head lights, interior light, then blinding lights that come and go unexpectedly.  White light sprays out of the tunnel, so their car exited the tunnel?  The light oncoming "vehicle" had a single light.  If it's an alien or supernatural light, then fine, but if it's, say, a motorcycle, where's the wreckage from that vehicle?
5. Like the light, we have several sound sources to track.  They are fine, but they too seem to come and go without much purpose or source.
6. You have Bethany jumping in the front seat.  Perhaps she's hopping over to the driver's position. She's was in front already and Taz was in back, right?
7. Page 10. Consider a (CON'T) instead of (quietly; afraid).  She continues her dialogue, and we assume she's afraid. Quiet? Not so much, prolly.
8. Right after that, you have Bethany and the car rolling toward the tunnel.  They must've done a 180 or are going backwards
9. "Police asses the scene" Not sure assess is the right word.  The crash site wudda been assessed many minutes ago, and flares would be out before EMT arrives, one would suspect.

Overall, I want some resolution, a denouement of what acutally happen, rather than two high high school teens got killed drving a car.

Hope this helps


RKeller,

Thanks for the read and the comments! Let me see if I can clarify and work with what you've given me.

1. Yes, these are dumb teenagers, chasing a dumb ghost story, and they deserve to get themselves killed, or at least terrorized, so why not both!
2. Good point! I didn't think of that. How does this sound: maybe he cracks open the window because he gets hot, or maybe just because he feels like it. Can Bethany tell him to close the window so that he doesn't let the hot air out, after he mentions the line about aliens? Or should I just take out the part of him looking up at the sky and that it's just a pothead thought that came into his mind?
3. It would make sense, but that wasn't the purpose, or ending that I was going for. The light is supernatural, not another vehicle (so I will go ahead and skip #4 because it's not a motorcycle nor another vehicle).
5. The sound sources are just sounds that occur throughout the script; I've been told that any sound source should be in CAPS so that the audio tech knows what sound effects to be looking out for�not sure if that's a definite rule in screenwriting, but I like it either way because it helps emphasize the sounds in the script and, at least for me, helps paint a better picture. As for the TRUMPET HORN sound, I couldn't really find any other way to describe it, but that's really the main source of sound that the reader/director/audio tech/whoever needs to pay attention to (during the "intense" scenes at least).
6. Taz was in the back, correct. I guess maybe I skipped a detail, but I imagined Bethany having to at least crawl halfway into the backseat to lock the back passenger doors (or, the one diagonal from her seat), so that is why I said that she jumps into the driver seat afterward. I'll look into it.
7. I said 'quietly' because she should be so scared that she can barely speak. It almost squeaks out, I guess. Maybe I should write it that way? Or go with CON'T?
8. It says so in the script that when the car comes to a stop, it's facing the tunnel; that means that when they came to a stop, they swerved a 180 once they exited the tunnel.
9. Good point. I should take out the flares bit (or have them already in place), but I feel like assess would be the right word since it means to 'analyze' or 'evaluate' something; they're attempting to figure out how exactly the crash happened and whatnot. Just observing the accident scene and putting the pieces together.

Hopefully I got the point across that SPOILERS what Bethany sees at the end are actually aliens, hence the conversation from before about aliens putting life on earth...I was going for the idea that these beings are what created us, and are what take us away when one dies. The bright light people see in their 'tunnel vision' (pun intended), that one of the aliens writes "God" on the window, as the creator, ya know. END SPOILERS However I was unsure how much more obvious I could make it. I don't want the aliens to talk, but I feel as though explaining it blatantly would've been a little too much. I like to leave things open to the imagination, but I am not sure how much more resolved I could end the story unless I had a scene in the hospital with Bethany explaining what she saw, but I don't like that approach. That doesn't mean I'm not open to suggestions through! What kind of resolution were you expecting, or what is another ending that you would prefer seeing?

Thanks for the help!

Sean


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 8
coldsnap
Posted: August 9th, 2015, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
34
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hi Sean, I really liked this. I would not have guessed that the figures in the tunnel were aliens, I figured they were just dead people or something, but no matter. I think I would've preferred a more supernatural explanation than an extraterrestrial one, but I'm not nitpicky; as long as the writing and story grabs me, that's all that counts, and this did. I love stuff that leaves it open to the reader's interpretation, makes it all the more connective with the audience. Keep 'em coming.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 3 - 8
RKeller
Posted: August 9th, 2015, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
39
Posts Per Day
0.01
1. Yes, these are dumb teenagers, chasing a dumb ghost story, and they deserve to get themselves killed, or at least terrorized, so why not both!
[We're on the exact same page here]
2. Good point! I didn't think of that. How does this sound: maybe he cracks open the window because he gets hot, or maybe just because he feels like it. Can Bethany tell him to close the window so that he doesn't let the hot air out, after he mentions the line about aliens? Or should I just take out the part of him looking up at the sky and that it's just a pothead thought that came into his mind?
[I like the hallucination. Perhaps he imagines a spaceship or two among those stars?]
3. It would make sense, but that wasn't the purpose, or ending that I was going for. The light is supernatural, not another vehicle (so I will go ahead and skip #4 because it's not a motorcycle nor another vehicle).
[Hmmm. Sorry, maybe I read too quickly. Yes, I seen now you foreshadowed the aliens, but I never got that in the end (see below)]
5. The sound sources are just sounds that occur throughout the script; I've been told that any sound source should be in CAPS so that the audio tech knows what sound effects to be looking out for�not sure if that's a definite rule in screenwriting, but I like it either way because it helps emphasize the sounds in the script and, at least for me, helps paint a better picture. As for the TRUMPET HORN sound, I couldn't really find any other way to describe it, but that's really the main source of sound that the reader/director/audio tech/whoever needs to pay attention to (during the "intense" scenes at least).
[Again, on the same page.  My comment was more at what Tarantino said, that all sound must have a source (radio, TV, car horn, locomotive, etc).  Your noises are fine. IMHO it seems they needed a tad more focus or source or something. No biggie tho]
6. Taz was in the back, correct. I guess maybe I skipped a detail, but I imagined Bethany having to at least crawl halfway into the backseat to lock the back passenger doors (or, the one diagonal from her seat), so that is why I said that she jumps into the driver seat afterward. I'll look into it.
[And I imagined electric all-door locks clicking at once.  No biggie, just letting you know by changing a few verbs you could move her better thru the interior.  After all, you have our attention on a slutty girl who is confined in 50 cubic feet of panic. Like many of my detailed comments, you could fix this in seconds]
7. I said 'quietly' because she should be so scared that she can barely speak. It almost squeaks out, I guess. Maybe I should write it that way? Or go with CON'T?
[Why not have her SQUEEK?]
8. It says so in the script that when the car comes to a stop, it's facing the tunnel; that means that when they came to a stop, they swerved a 180 once they exited the tunnel.
[Oops, my mistake]
9. Good point. I should take out the flares bit (or have them already in place), but I feel like assess would be the right word since it means to 'analyze' or 'evaluate' something; they're attempting to figure out how exactly the crash happened and whatnot. Just observing the accident scene and putting the pieces together.
[I was also poking a bit of good-natured fun at your script’s misspelling of ASSES vs ASSESS. (Actually, now that I think about it, was that a commentary on the dirty coppers?) Anyway, my main point is sequence.  You do a good job of driving the plot forward, so when I gotta back up the movie in my mind even a few frames, it pops me out of your verisimilitude for a sec]

Alien ending, eh? Perhaps a couple of ending sentences like, "But the cops only have three fingers, and their eyes blink sideways."  That's swiped from MEN IN BLACK of course, but you get the notion.  I'd give two or more hints that the emergency people are a little surreal or ethereal or facades.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 8
RKeller
Posted: August 9th, 2015, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
39
Posts Per Day
0.01
Still thinking about your ending.  Perhaps you could frame your entire piece with a female NARRATOR?  The opening emphasizes the foolishiness of the trio, and the ending NARRATION points us to what clobbered them and their next steps.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 8
Zombie Sean
Posted: August 10th, 2015, 12:43am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Colorado
Posts
1545
Posts Per Day
0.23

Quoted from coldsnap
Hi Sean, I really liked this. I would not have guessed that the figures in the tunnel were aliens, I figured they were just dead people or something, but no matter. I think I would've preferred a more supernatural explanation than an extraterrestrial one, but I'm not nitpicky; as long as the writing and story grabs me, that's all that counts, and this did. I love stuff that leaves it open to the reader's interpretation, makes it all the more connective with the audience. Keep 'em coming.


I'm glad you enjoyed reading it! Dead people would've been pretty eerie too, but when this idea was essentially given to me (when I asked a friend and fellow SSer what I should write about, all he said was 'tunnel') I for some reason thought of aliens. Thanks for reading!


Quoted from RKeller
...
2. [I like the hallucination. Perhaps he imagines a spaceship or two among those stars?]
...
5. [Again, on the same page.  My comment was more at what Tarantino said, that all sound must have a source (radio, TV, car horn, locomotive, etc).  Your noises are fine. IMHO it seems they needed a tad more focus or source or something. No biggie tho]
6. [And I imagined electric all-door locks clicking at once.  No biggie, just letting you know by changing a few verbs you could move her better thru the interior.  After all, you have our attention on a slutty girl who is confined in 50 cubic feet of panic. Like many of my detailed comments, you could fix this in seconds]
7. [Why not have her SQUEEK?]
...
9. [I was also poking a bit of good-natured fun at your script�s misspelling of ASSES vs ASSESS. (Actually, now that I think about it, was that a commentary on the dirty coppers?) Anyway, my main point is sequence.  You do a good job of driving the plot forward, so when I gotta back up the movie in my mind even a few frames, it pops me out of your verisimilitude for a sec]

Alien ending, eh? Perhaps a couple of ending sentences like, "But the cops only have three fingers, and their eyes blink sideways."  That's swiped from MEN IN BLACK of course, but you get the notion.  I'd give two or more hints that the emergency people are a little surreal or ethereal or facades.

...

Still thinking about your ending.  Perhaps you could frame your entire piece with a female NARRATOR?  The opening emphasizes the foolishiness of the trio, and the ending NARRATION points us to what clobbered them and their next steps.


2. I wouldn't necessarily put in a hallucination, but I could probably have Taz lay down in a high stupor and just randomly come up with the conversation of aliens. Maybe have Victor ask where that thought came from or something. I'll work on it, 'cause you brought up a good point about him looking out the already-fogged windows.

5. I see where you're getting at with the sounds. If I wrote "The bright light emits a loud, low HORN" or something like that, would that be more clear? As opposed to "A HORN accompanies the light"?

6. I didn't think of electric all-door locks, but at the same time, the car is completely dead (the aliens' doing). Maybe she could try it considering that most cars with all-door locks have those locks on both the driver side and front passenger side (I think?? ), but when the doors don't lock (since the car is dead) she then scrambles around the vehicle and manually locks each door.

7. I'll have her SQUEAK her "Who are you?" out, that's a better description than what I have.

9. Oh my God, I am so embarrassed. I missed that typo in both my script and in your comment. Obviously my mind is somewhere else, but thanks for bringing that to my attention TWICE! Argh, damn me and my love for asses!

Unfortunately, the paramedics and cops are actually not the aliens but the beings that come out of the light once Taz and Victor go in are the aliens (the ones who write "God").

I'm thinking about your suggestion with the narration. I like narration in my scripts, and that's something I would consider working with. Let me see what I can do with that, I am sure I can come up with something good! Thanks!

Sean


Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 8
JordanB
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 3:59pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Australia
Posts
25
Posts Per Day
0.01

I really like this… The dialogue is natural with the use of sarcasm. I really like how Bethany is initially the non-believer in all this. And how you left some of it open to our imagination was great. You grabbed me early and I didn’t want to leave.  

You could stretch this out a little more when they flick their headlights three times. That was so suspenseful I would have milked it for all it was worth.

I had a bit of trouble with the whole Alien/God thing. But after reading it again, assume they were Alien due to the earlier conversation in the car. Maybe, and this is just an idea, have the Alien repeat Taz’s theory in Taz’s own voice? That would be eerie as hell and help the reader understand.  

And finally, just a small thing, but I would have liked the alien to write the word “GOD” on the foggy window.

But overall, I really liked it. Thanks for the early morning entertainment!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 8
Zombie Sean
Posted: March 20th, 2018, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Colorado
Posts
1545
Posts Per Day
0.23
Hey Jordan, thanks for reading this! This is one of my better shorts with better dialogue than my other scripts. I've been told to expand on this idea, so not only stretching it a couple of pages but maybe even turning it into a feature. Not sure how I would go about it, but I wouldn't mind exploring this idea and stretching it further.

I kind of like the idea of one of the aliens impersonating Taz, and maybe saying something along the lines of his line, "Do you believe in aliens?" And as much as I like the idea, I kind of don't want to put it out there for the reader/audience. I want them to wonder, are they aliens or are they angels/God? Or something completely different (demons, perhaps?). But in the end, they're aliens, and it plays on the idea that aliens put us here on Earth, or at least started life here on Earth.

And the alien does write GOD on the window


Quoted Text
BETHANY
(quietly; afraid)
Who are you?

The figure at the front passenger door slowly raises its
hand.

With its index finger, it writes one word. Even  backward and
reversed in Bethany’s POV, it’s legible: "GOD"


Glad you liked it! Thanks again for reading, and I'm happy to provide some early morning entertainment for ya!


Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 8
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006