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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Forever Red - Needs Your Help to Get Made! Moderators: bert
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  Author    Forever Red - Needs Your Help to Get Made!  (currently 1459 views)
Don
Posted: September 3rd, 2015, 10:18pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Forever Red by Steve Miles - Short, Thriller - Two former intelligence operatives are forced to confront a dark secret from their past. 10 pages - pdf, format

++++++++++
Grand Production Films | Baltimore Video Production Company plans on filming on Super 16 Film.  They are in fundraising mode.

Their goal is to shoot on Super 16 film and they've launched a crowd-funding campaign through Seed & Spark to help secure part of the financing.  Aside from donations, if the project can reach 500 followers then the production receives support in both equipment and distribution from Seed & Spark.  Signing up to follow is free and you can unsubscribe from the newsletter at any time.  Watch the pitch video below for an outline of the project and follow the link for further production details and to sign up to follow at SeedAndSpark.com/fund/Forever-Red.  Many thanks.






Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  October 1st, 2017, 10:44am
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: September 4th, 2015, 2:18am Report to Moderator
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where's my simply scripts thong?

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Hi Steve

I have to say the logline almost feels like a feature, or one with potential

Let's have a look.

SPOILERS

I really wish I could write with the smoothness you do. Always a joy to read.

Now, to story. This has a real mood to it. Good old fashioned Cold War espionage, dark and brooding, melancholic.

Ultimately it's a revenge story, a settling the store. Anne seeking to find an old love she believes was killed by barker, an east west agent killing, and as she's dying, wishes to make amends.

The dialogue is strong, but on occasions could be a little clearer. I was never quite sure, who acted for who, who was on what side - which is part of it I suppose - other than the dead guy was possibly soviet, and therefore perhaps Anne was as well. Barker was in the Falklands so we assume Brit and not turned.

One confusion I suppose is what Anne and barker were. Opposing sides, yet lovers once?

Theme - with a script like this I feel it should have one. She seeks revenge, wants to tie off a lose ends, find her bloke, see him off and takes out his killer. A parallel seems to appear in the death of the Soviet Union and the flag. Ironic as it trying to re merge, sort of.

Barker...seems resigned to it. As though life with catch up. As though he's  been waiting on that beach and the mud will take him.  He doesn't really fight it or try. He's given up.

A somber, brooding story. It left an impression.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
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IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: September 4th, 2015, 4:55am Report to Moderator
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Hi Steve,

I echo reef’s comments on the smoothness of this. It had artistic flair but not overly so. There was just enough without being too descriptive or specific and yet elements included that were not strictly needed (screeching of Gulls for example) yet really helped set the scene in my head without using too much white space.

Personally I think shorts need to be quicker in getting the hook in and be less mysterious, unless there is some compelling element which makes the audience stay for more. There isn’t as much time as a feature to get to know the characters or develop the story at a steady pace. For example, you could start with the flashback with the handcuffs and the hunched man.

As it was I had to work at this and try to understand what was going on. I did enjoy reading it and I think I knew what it was all about but I’m not sure, it was ambiguous in parts. Too many questions unanswered, too many lines that can be interpreted different ways. But that’s just me and my opinion, it was very well written and a nice read regardless.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Sandro
Posted: September 4th, 2015, 4:56am Report to Moderator
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Hey Steve,

Very cool script. The mood is killer, feels very much like a John le Carré story.

The dialogue is equally great. Your characters seem real and layered from the start. They really sound like tired, world weary ex-spies. A few examples of dialogue that stuck out for me:


Quoted Text
                    BARKER
          Little point in asking how you
          found me.

                    ANNE
          Everyone owes someone.


Clever, such a spy-ish reply.


Quoted Text
                    BARKER
          Sad to hear.

                    ANNE
          It's cheaper, and the pity ensures
          impeccable service.


Poignant and very true.

A few things that stuck out for me for other reasons:


Quoted Text
His rod rests against the rail, the line trailing out into
the water. He stares out to sea, waiting


As your script is nearly flawless in terms of spelling and grammar, I added that little niggle. A missing period at the end.

Are the first few lines between Barker and Anne spy code talk? At first I thought it is, but it's too much of a coincidence that the topic is fishing, while is he is actually fishing. If it's regular dialogue then it seems quite a stilted and odd exchange for two people who haven't seen each other in years.


Quoted Text
He steals a glance at her hand -- checking for a ring.

                    BARKER
          You ever, you know..?


The "checking for a ring" part sounds like an unfilmable, but an extreme close-up of her hand will take care of that. However, Anne doesn't see him looking at her hand, so I don't understand how she gets what he means from that unclear and unfinished line. It could mean anything.


Quoted Text
                    ANNE
          However did you find this place?

Barker shrugs.

                    BARKER
          Good at finding places.


Personally, I'd cut his line there. It's not particularly clever or funny, plus the shrug conveys the same but better.


Quoted Text
         ANNE
          It's a job, just a means to an end.

                    BARKER
          Who's?


Isn't that supposed to be "whose"? Anne's line was already a little confusing, coming out of nowhere like that, then came that part.

    
Quoted Text
                BARKER
          Was a quarry up the coast, barges
          used to float in here to unload.


                    BARKER
          Was offered a role as a security
          consultant, some emerging
          shit-hole, former soviet block of
          course.

                    BARKER
          Was true, about him.


You could chalk it up to a character trait but it sounded overly lax the way he kept leaving off "It" or "I" before "was".

On a final note; I agree with Reef Dreamer that the Soviet angle is a bit confusing and ultimately unnecessary. As I was reading, I liked how you made the big picture clear but left the details in the dark, it added to the espionage vibe. I had to really concentrate to understand what was happening in the final few scenes, and when the hammer and sickle made its appearance I was lost. If it was up to me, I'd drop it and change the title.

That's about it. You really have a gem on your hands here.


Sandro

Revision History (1 edits)
Sandro  -  September 4th, 2015, 6:07am
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stevemiles
Posted: September 6th, 2015, 4:24am Report to Moderator
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Thanks guys for taking a look.

This was originally an idea for a feature I was kicking about -- what a rainy week in Swanage will do…  Thought I’d test the waters and see if I could make it work as a short.  I wholly expected some head-scratching on this as it’s a lot of backstory to work into such a short space.  Thought I’d just post to get a consensus on what areas were working and what needed attention.  

Bill, glad you got the significance of the Falklands reference -- your notes were spot on in terms of motivation/plot etc. I’ll work on clearing up some of the more ambiguous areas.

Mark, fair point on the shorts and getting the hook in -- even when I go for a ‘quicker’ story I seem to end up with a slow pace.  Originally I wasn’t going to use flashbacks, but I felt this needed ‘something’ else to break from the talking heads dialogue.

Sandro, yeah I may have watched 'Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy' once too often…  

I don’t know about dropping the Soviet angle.  The hammer and sickle is really a final ‘fuck you’ to Barker -- Anne’s way of letting him know she was a double agent, sympathetic to the Soviets all along (I’ll work on making this clearer).  It’s also the moment Barker knows he’s been set-up -- standing in the crosshairs so to speak.  I think the Soviet angle is important as it provides justification/sanction for the original murder/assassination -- one which Anne can’t refute.  She’s forced to accept the death as a necessary part of the ‘job’ -- just not the method, as it was motivated by Barker’s jealousy.  I agree the title might go too far in giving it away -- bit cheesy to be fair.

Who’s?/Whose? -- good spot.

As for dropping words from the start of dialogue, I read somewhere it’s a useful technique in mimicking natural speech.  Might’ve gone too far in places here.  

Thought this one was a gamble when I posted, but so far pleasantly surprised --  anyone needs a read in return just let me know.

Steve


My short scripts can be found here:


http://www.sjmilesscripts.webs.com
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Sandro
Posted: September 6th, 2015, 8:33am Report to Moderator
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Forget what I said about the Soviet thing, it makes sense now. I thought Barker was the double agent, not Anne, and that she was letting him know that she knew, by way of the drawing.

Making that a little clearer should be all that's needed.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: September 6th, 2015, 10:44am Report to Moderator
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Reads like an ending to a larger story. Good, slow. The cancer thing is a real touch. People get it, even spies.
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TonyDionisio
Posted: September 6th, 2015, 10:59am Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Well written. Seemed part of a bigger story. Moved a bit slow for me.Liked the tie in at the end.
GJ
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eldave1
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What a well written script - very nice job here.

It works as a short but I certainly think it has the bones for a feature.

Only one hiccup for me.


Quoted Text
ANNE
Please, don’t insult me with
bullshit.


Very minor point here - but I just didn't see Anne as someone who curses. I think it is more consistent with her voice if it was something like - Please, don’t insult me with misdirection.

All in all - solid!!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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stevemiles
Posted: September 6th, 2015, 2:49pm Report to Moderator
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Clorox, Tony, Dave -- many thanks for reading.  Now I’ve just got to figure out the other 80+ pages…  PM me if there’s anything I can read in return.

Steve


My short scripts can be found here:


http://www.sjmilesscripts.webs.com
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eldave1
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Quoted from stevemiles

Clorox, Tony, Dave -- many thanks for reading.  Now I’ve just got to figure out the other 80+ pages…  PM me if there’s anything I can read in return.

Steve


My pleasure - best of luck with this


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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RichardR
Posted: September 8th, 2015, 12:34pm Report to Moderator
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Steve,

Well written.  Nice little back and forth.  Nicely understated as spies are wont to do.  Barker killed in order to protect her, and she's getting revenge.  Works for me.  Betrayal and betrayal and betrayal.  Good.

Only hiccup for me came at the end.  While suicide works and disappearance is preferred, we have Barker taking a bullet to the back.  I'm guessing we're supposed to believe the mud will take him, but the tide is in.  he'll float out with it, and if the body is found (likely), they'll know the truth.  Now, it may be that she doesn't care, but it might be more elegant if he dies in the mud which will take him.  Just a thought.

Good job.

best
Richard
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stevemiles
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Thanks Richard,

I didn't really think much beyond the bullet.  I thought about an alternative ending whereby Barker meets the same fate as the man he killed.  There is a certain poetic justice to it...  One to think on.

Appreciate the read.

Steve


My short scripts can be found here:


http://www.sjmilesscripts.webs.com
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Don
Posted: October 1st, 2017, 10:45am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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++++++++++
Grand Production Films | Baltimore Video Production Company plans on filming on Super 16 Film.  They are in fundraising mode.

Their goal is to shoot on Super 16 film and they've launched a crowd-funding campaign through Seed & Spark to help secure part of the financing.  Aside from donations, if the project can reach 500 followers then the production receives support in both equipment and distribution from Seed & Spark.  Signing up to follow is free and you can unsubscribe from the newsletter at any time.  Watch the pitch video below for an outline of the project and follow the link for further production details and to sign up to follow at SeedAndSpark.com/fund/Forever-Red.  Many thanks.







Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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eldave1
Posted: October 1st, 2017, 8:17pm Report to Moderator
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Done!

Best of luck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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