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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Better Times - Filmed and fucking amazing! Moderators: bert
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  Author    Better Times - Filmed and fucking amazing!  (currently 2327 views)
Don
Posted: November 14th, 2015, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Better Times by Steve Miles - Short, Drama, Sci Fi - A desperate young couple are faced with a stark choice in exchange for the promise of a better future.  10 pages - pdf, format

***********


BETTER TIMES from Better Times on Vimeo.



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

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Don  -  November 12th, 2017, 5:42pm
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: November 14th, 2015, 6:42pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Steve, a few thoughts, just my opinion of course and frequently known to be wrong ;-(

1) Not sure you'd have a gurney if a Drs Surgery... they are more Hospital type equipment. Maybe in the wheelchair already?
2) Took me a while to get into the rhythm of the timelines but worked well once I did.
3) Well written overall, characters all worked and dialogue good too.

The one thing that did remain an issue for me when I got to the end was the fact that QER are paying Eileen for storing Sebastian, this is the opposite to how Cryogenics currently works, as it stands I don't understand how the economics of this works - apols if I missed something but it's niggling.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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rendevous
Posted: November 14th, 2015, 6:43pm Report to Moderator
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Away

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Steve,

Not bad at all. You're obviously an experienced writer. It went where I was expecting it. Though I'm not sure that's such a bad thing.

I'd have preferred it if I felt more for the characters. Nevertheless, not bad.

R


Out Of Character - updated


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The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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StevenClark
Posted: November 15th, 2015, 9:54pm Report to Moderator
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Steve,

Great storytelling here. I enjoyed reading this very much. It builds and builds, and the last line stating their motto was a real zinger.

One thing I failed to get was the flickering of the lights. Was that the cryogenic chambers kicking into gear, or was there some kind of deeper meaning there I'm missing. I'll think on it a bit.

Another thing is what are they doing with the patients who are frozen for ten years? Conducting experiments? I don't think you addressed it. If you did and I missed it, my apologies. But if not I think it's something that needs to be clarified.

Also feel you could do away with the line "no celebration here," as we already get their mood from the previous line.

Other than that, great work.

Steve


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Dustin
Posted: November 16th, 2015, 3:06am Report to Moderator
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Wilhelm Steinitz

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Well written which means that I can concentrate on story. Like a breath of fresh air. 9 pages just breezed by, nice work. No OTN dialogue, no exposition... just quality writing. To be honest, this is the very least I expect, but this writing is good, pro level, IMO. Better than some of the pros, in fact.

I really liked this. Great story, exceptionally well told. I have seen gurneys in doctor surgeries... but, this is set in the future anyway and you can have whatever you like.

What I got from it, re the reason they go into cryogenics to be frozen for 10 years, is that the 'powers that be' are testing cryogenic freezing and its effects. These people that are being frozen are simply the first people to try this out, hence they being poor and desperate. They get paid for being frozen, then, when, if they make it out fine the other side, they and their family get to live a relatively normal life.

I think everything is there already. Nothing needs adding or taking away. Excellent, excellent story. Nice job.
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stevemiles
Posted: November 16th, 2015, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks to all for taking a look, always grateful for the feedback.

Dustin picked up on exactly what I was aiming for story-wise -- itís a medical trial (as companies would with new drugs etc.); those signing up are drawn from poverty with the promise of financial reward and a better future.

I lean towards a Ďsoftí approach to exposition if I can help it -- the background here is not overtly stated, more in the details.  Iím torn on whether itís enough or not -- just have to draw from feedback and work from there.

Steven, the power outages were to give an impression of the world outside -- i.e. itís hard/uncertain times.  As to the experiment I didnít want to get too tied into the science bit -- more just the human element/Sebastianís sacrifice.    

Ren, Iíd have preferred it if youíd felt more for the characters too -- Iíll hold your biscuits over, in Tupperware if youíre lucky...  

Guess it depends on experience but as a kid I remember a gurney/íbed on wheelsí at my local doctors.  Save them a bit of time if someone shuffled off there and then I guess...

Thanks again for taking the time, if anyone needs a read in return just let me know.

Steve


My short scripts can be found here:


http://www.sjmilesscripts.webs.com
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Dustin
Posted: November 17th, 2015, 3:20am Report to Moderator
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Wilhelm Steinitz

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Quoted from stevemiles

I lean towards a Ďsoftí approach to exposition if I can help it -- the background here is not overtly stated, more in the details.


That's exactly how it is supposed to be done. If anyone misses it then that doesn't make it your fault, it is their fault for not reading properly. Sometimes things need to be read twice or more to fully appreciate everything a writer has put into the work.

Don't make your exposition more overt just to please one or two people that either can't be bothered to read properly or don't have the capacity to understand in the first place.
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EvanD
Posted: November 17th, 2015, 7:45am Report to Moderator
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Steve, I really enjoyed this.  I actually read this twice in one sitting to get the full effect.  Someone above said they didn't feel much for the characters, during my first read that's kind of how I felt too, until I got to the end.  The second read was when I really felt for the characters, because it's the ending that gives us the full weight of the decision being made, it's also when the tear rolling down his cheek at the calendar makes perfect sense.  Anyways I really enjoyed this.  I'm learning the art of screen writing, so I'm afraid I don't have much to comment on that front, seems well done to me.  But story-wise very engaging.  I plan on checking out your website to see your other scripts.

If you have some time I'd love to get some feedback on my script(s).  Like I said I'm just learning so some quality feedback from experienced people is always appreciated.  Thanks a bunch!


Evan

If there is anything that I am, I am teachable.

I'd appreciate any feedback you're willing to offer on my scripts:

A Valediction - 24 pages
The Dungeon - 9 pages
The Undone - 17 pages
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RichardR
Posted: November 17th, 2015, 12:19pm Report to Moderator
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Steve,

Comments can be soooo cold.

This one is a fairly simple tale told in an interesting way.  We jump from vetting process in the past to the present where the 'volunteer' goes in for a decade long sleep.  Works as far as it goes, but seems too bleak, too one-sided.  It's understood that economic circumstances has reduced this couple to this last straw, and it's traumatic, but can't there be a moment of cheerful expectation?  

And it's straightforward, no twists or turns.  Some flickering light but no body bags being wheeled out because of system failure.  No stats on success vs. failure.  No previous volunteers to be interviewed and evaluated?  I'd like this to be more of a rollercoaster in the dark, a twisting turning ride that keeps me locked on the screen.  

Otherwise, this one reads fine.  

Best
Richard
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stevemiles
Posted: November 17th, 2015, 5:46pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Richard -- yeah, this version of the futureís pretty bleak (arenít they all?)  I donít know about cheerful expectation but Iíd hope Sebastianís actions imply a sense of hope, something noble if nothing else.    

Evan, thanks for that.  I saw The Dungeon posted, Iíll check it out soon as I get some time to read.

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here:


http://www.sjmilesscripts.webs.com
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Dustin
Posted: November 17th, 2015, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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It's not bleak... as with all good dystopian future type stories they actually relate very well to the current times. At least, they do if you do it properly, IMO. There's employment crisis in the western world. Too many people, not enough jobs. So, for many, they have to resort to things other people don't have to. Like medical trials. Are those medical trials bad? Aren't they for drugs that will end up helping people? It's the same with cryogenics... if people don't test it out, how will we know it's safe? Once people have tested it and it's OK... then imagine how much good that will do. We could travel long distances through space for example.

That's why this story is so good. I wish I'd written it. Simple but effective.
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stevemiles
Posted: November 17th, 2015, 7:57pm Report to Moderator
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Dustin,

This was written in large part as a response to current times -- layoffs, growing poverty etc.  Thereís no limit to what people will do to earn money or survive.

I donít think itís such a stretch to imagine; cryogenics is already a reality to a certain degree.  I came across an article online a while back (New Scientist perhaps?), where they were trialling a medical procedure in Pittsburgh for serious trauma victims that replaces the patientís blood with saline solution; cooling the body to help it recover -- it gives surgeons a small window to repair the damage.  Thereís a wealth of material out there in this kind of thing.    


My short scripts can be found here:


http://www.sjmilesscripts.webs.com
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eldave1
Posted: November 18th, 2015, 11:44am Report to Moderator
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Steve: well done, Sir. It flew by. Just  one nit:

INT. DR. PURCELLíS SURGERY Ė DAY

Maybe it's just me - but I think the scene heading should be DR. PURCELL'S SURGERY ROOM - DAY

I really liked the way this built up.  I really cared about your two protags and felt for the decision that they were forced to make.

This really has the bones for a feature - several individuals/couples facing the same situation - kind of the Love Actually for cryogenics.

Anyway - you smashed this. Noice!!!!!!!!!  


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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stevemiles
Posted: November 19th, 2015, 1:59pm Report to Moderator
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Love Actually for cryogenics...  I do like the prospect of freezing Hugh Grant for a decade and seeing how it works out...

Thanks for the read Dave.


My short scripts can be found here:


http://www.sjmilesscripts.webs.com
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eldave1
Posted: November 19th, 2015, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevemiles


Love Actually for cryogenics...  I do like the prospect of freezing Hugh Grant for a decade and seeing how it works out...

Thanks for the read Dave.


You're more than welcome (you may have to recast Hugh though, he kind of always looks frozen)


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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