He'd be fine for the frozen bits. Just get a stunt man in to do the real acting.

One of those stories where conflict is not shown through action but interpreted through dialogue and world building. Well done. That last sentence was like a kick in the gut!

Well told. Didn't have to reread anything to follow. At first I thought he was sick but then my blinders came off and I understood he (and his family) couldn't afford to live, along with lots of other folks. I certainly felt the desperation and hesitation about the decision. God forbid we ever see that day.

Logan, Clorox, thanks for the reads, much appreciated.

SPOILERS

Page 3: The tear is too much for me, personally. You're nailing the atmosphere already -- it's one of tension, and a tear is a release that we don't need yet, I think.

***

So the tear is Sebastian's only human moment of release, really. Personally, I'd vote for ditching the single tear and putting a more externalized expression of emotion on the bottom of page 7, saying goodbye to Eileen. There's really only room for one emotional climax here -- I'd put it all together in that scene, which i think would keep us in the right mood until the end.

Yeah enjoyed this one. I think you can probably cut some dialogue -- the main purpose of a lot of it is to establish the financial necessity of personal sacrifice, and while it's all good dialogue, I'd argue that some of it is redundant in terms of the piece at large -- and that might leave room for more cool medical visuals, which I think this could use. The visuals are, right now, a partially missed opportunity, I think: how does the medical world of this future approach, specifically, the poor person's body? I think there's room for more visuals of medical invasiveness and, perhaps most importantly, medical routine-ness -- Sebastian literally means nothing but his body to these people, and some more imaginative/less familiar visuals could support that nicely.

Solid writing, no comments on that at all. An enjoyable and timely piece.

Heretic (Chris?)

Thanks for reading -- great notes, the detail I’d never considered.  Like the idea of pushing the medical visuals a little further -- more clinical, more dehumanizing to the subject.  I’ll think some on that aspect.

Thanks again,

Steve

Hey Steve

I really liked this. The grim and depressing backdrop of the future worked well.

There's a lot of flashbacks but it was easy enough to follow.  I wasn't sure what the reveal was going to be and it was a nice surprise.

Good work.

Nice script, was fun reading it. I agree it's well written, very pointed action lines but still clear so I'm not struggling to get it. I was waiting (and hoping) for some evil twist, like the cryo company using the bodies for something else, organ trading or whatever. With this end, the story seemed a little bit flat.

Quoted from Equinox I was waiting (and hoping) for some evil twist, like the cryo company using the bodies for something else, organ trading or whatever. With this end, the story seemed a little bit flat.

Me, too, but more along the lines of Soilent Green.

Alffy, Equinox, thanks, I appreciate the reads.

Sorry, no evil twist to this time round.

Let me know if I can return the reads.

Hi Steve

Been meaning to read this.

As expected a nice flow, crisp writing a real sense of mood.

Now, it may be just me, but I missed this was a medical trial. I went back to see why and it was the 'attorney' and 'trial' part of that key dialogue that took me to another place, something legal. So at the end I was wondering what was happening.

I suppose this was reinforced by the poster which makes it sound like its real service, something available, and not being tested. But if you felt this needed a tweak it would really be minor, eg saying medical trial, or on the poster.

As to the concept, a desperate future - why is the future always desperate??? - and a couple in a difficult place forced through necessity into being a guinea pig. Powerless.

Sound basis.

Having read the comments above,  it seems to me you have two ways to show the build up. First, a more inhuman, invasive approach etc or, and this may be worth a thought, an upbeat process, which is at odds with the down beat couple. The suggestion of the fake world that they inhabit. Almost like the hunger games heirachy and the downtrodden populous.

All the best

Setting things in the near future is a writer's trick so that they can say what they really feel about the present without it being obvious. George Orwell did it with 1984, he was actually referring to how he felt back in 1948 (at the time of writing). Notice anything about the date? It is said that Orwell originally wanted to call it 1948, but the publishers felt this would be too controversial. Not sure what the truth is in that, but it makes sense to me. He wasn't writing about the future, but how he really felt about the present.

The same is visible here. It's not far enough in the future to be a real sci-fi. There are no flying cars, spaceships, etc. This story is a reflection of the troubling, desperate times we are in now. Yet, there is also hope of a better future. It's very cleverly done, IMO. It's nice to be able to sit back and dwell on a story's implications. Like fine art, we all get something from it, it just may not be the same thing. I doubt the artist cares though, so long as it is appreciated.

Well said, Dustin.  Although it's not a stretch for me to envisage this as SciFi, notwithstanding the future's not that far off, and no flying cars, techno gizmos etc. I think I relate to it more because of its grim and unadorned reality. I had the same feeling with  1984, (the novel and film) Code 46, and Children Of Men - devoid of fantasy elements they can appear more real, believable and scary.

Steve, I won't say too much more on this particular forum (will leave it for that other one  ) except to say this is a terrifically bleak story, great vibe, smooth writing, and I love the unexpected cryogenic angle.

I will say, I don't think the script's title does the story justice - perhaps something with the word 'cold' in it: Cold Storage, Cold Comfort, nah, I'll keep thinking...Perhaps someone else might come up with something more inspired, or maybe not. Great job regardless.

Minor typo: grandmothers needs an apostrophe.  

Bill, thanks for the notes -- how’s the revised draft of the 7WC going?

I’d echo Dustin on the Sci-fi aspect -- in most cases depictions of the future are used to magnify social issues/problems of the present, hence that tendency towards dystopia (even more-so for certain classes).

Children of Men is a personal favourite (film that is, though I should probably read the book) -- great script to learn from too.  Such a brilliant premise.

Thanks Libby -- I did think about hinting more with the title, thought it might be giving the game away too soon..?

Definitely grateful for all the feedback -- budget-wise I doubt this would be within the reach of most short film makers, given the number of extras and certain visuals; but glad people can take something from the story all the same.

Steve

So it's been a long process (though very little effort on my end beyond the script) but Better Times (or Bessere Zeiten) gets its premiere at the FilmFest Bremen in Germany (today) under the Short & Good category.  

I've been far removed from the production process but I know Nico Sanff, the director, has spent close to 2 years putting this together, with a fair proportion of that in post production handling the SFX.

Not sure of the current timeframe or commitments regarding the festival, but I hope to get a finished version I can post here very soon.

Steve