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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Cock Man Moderators: bert
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  Author    Cock Man  (currently 5065 views)
Don
Posted: December 6th, 2015, 8:58am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cock Man by Tony Dionisio - Short, Comedy, Superhero - A naked superhero helps people by flashing his member. Can his powers stay stiff or will he wither after a confrontation with the evil, Ugly Vagina Lady? Stroke the pages and find out. 9 pages - pdf, format

Cock Man 2 - Die Hard-on Die by Tony Dionisio - Short, Comedy, Superhero - The continued adventures of a libertine superhero who fights crime by flashing his giant member. 8 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work




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Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  December 3rd, 2016, 9:32am
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SAC
Posted: December 6th, 2015, 8:45pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Tony,

I liked this. A couple tweaks here and there might be in order, but overall I thought it funny and entertaining. Sort of an introduction piece to our hero. But what does come next? Something? Anything? You're a good writer and I'd like to see where you could take this if you provide Cock Man with a real, cohesive story to navigate.

Right now, just an intro. Lets see what ya got!

Steve


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Grandma Bear
Posted: December 6th, 2015, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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I hate to say this, but this one fell a little short of expectations.

I like the way you write and found a lot of it funny. I did laugh good several times. Both at descriptions, actions and dialogue.

I was turned off by the ugly vagina and sort of lost interest there.

I agree with Steven that this is more of an intro to Cock Man rather than a complete story. I did enjoy your writing though, so, well done.  


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LC
Posted: December 6th, 2015, 11:41pm Report to Moderator
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Is your objective to alienate all females?

Ugly vagina turned me off too, and interesting you went the lesbian route on top of that. I think a lot could be read into your choices here, but that might be reading more into it than there is: Just a bit of idle entertainment. I suspect you cracked yourself up writing it.

I ditto the fact the actual writing is not bad.

P.S. You may well have to target the alt industry for casting, given the attributes of the lead.


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TonyDionisio
Posted: December 7th, 2015, 8:52am Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Thx for the post and the reviews. If you got a laugh or two, I'm happy.

Your comments about liking my writing are awesome. Really appreciate them. Honored.

"Is your objective to alienate all females?"

No, I love women. My objective was to offend everyone -- in a comical way of course

You all didn't like the ugly vagina? That's the extreme opposite to a beautiful cock, isn't it? I thought it was the perfect villain to cock man. Oh well. Some are beautiful, but, I mean come on, have you seen how bad looking some vag's are? Just stare at some of em -- I can swear they stare back. This may be the worlds biggest kept secret/epidemic.

"I suspect you cracked yourself up writing it."

You have no idea how much I did.

"P.S. You may well have to target the alt industry for casting, given the attributes of the lead."

Actually, I figured a giant prosthetic dick -- you know, inflatable/let the air out, and then there would be no true nudity in the whole thing.

At very least, in life, I can say... "from the creator of Cock-Man..."

Lol,

Thx again.
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khamanna
Posted: December 8th, 2015, 5:21am Report to Moderator
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Hey Tony,

This was quite funny, I liked it.  
I dont think you need the scene with two girls. I think about page three the story should pick up - may be you could intriduce an obsticle and let the cock man deal with it.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: December 8th, 2015, 8:16am Report to Moderator
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Had a quick look...so to speak.

This character cries out for the bumbling, well meaning idiot. Whilst in parts this was the case, I actually found him annoying (how many time does he have to say cock?).

If you have ever seen a British comedy called Blackadder, he reminded me of a character called Flashard, who dips into the series once.

A few thoughts...

As above, Too many uses of the word cock...I would mix this up and have fun with the words and discreet references

I would almost have him want to be a normal super hero that everyone loves for his character but actually no one can take there eyes of his jeroboam... Boom boom. Perhaps he could have renamed himself earth man - for example - but everyone calls him cock

Ugly vag - this didn't work for me. Bit too sexist and a touch hurtful. Provocative can be good but something felt off about this one. How about about the antagonist being the black dominatrix, someone that makes him feel small with the black adding to the sinister

Look, I like slapstick and crass, but for me this doesn't quote hit the mark, but it does have something.

All the best


My scripts  HERE

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Gum
Posted: December 8th, 2015, 10:48am Report to Moderator
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Tony,

This is definitely an ambitious attempt at the absurd and, it actually had quite a few LMAO moments. Truthfully, this would play out awesome if it was coupled with a retro Saul Bass title sequence and a Dragnet caricature stance for the public eye on the scene… hell, even swap out Cock Man’s ugly nemeses with Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy’s enemy – ‘ Kelp Thing’, lol.


Quoted from LC
P.S. You may well have to target the alt industry for casting, given the attributes of the lead.


Ya, it would definitely be a challenge to find the right lead(s) but, I think ‘Down Under’ might have a better turn out at a casting call than anywhere else, lol. I haven’t seen it myself but this travelling freak show’s been around for quite some time now… (about the 4:30 mark is where it gets seriously f’d up)

http://www.frequency.com/video/puppetry-of-penis-interview/139643783

These dudes’s could definitely take this script to a new level of bizarre. Send it to em’…  ya never know!
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TonyDionisio
Posted: December 8th, 2015, 11:23am Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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"This is definitely an ambitious attempt at the absurd and, it actually had quite a few LMAO moments."

Thx. I spent about 8 hours over a couple of weeks with this. Absurdity comes natural to me. As long as you had a laugh, I'm happy.

"Truthfully, this would play out awesome if it was coupled with a retro Saul Bass title sequence and a Dragnet caricature stance for the public eye on the scene… hell, even swap out Cock Man’s ugly nemeses with Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy’s enemy – ‘ Kelp Thing’, lol."

^I have no clue what you are talking about.^

I told you guys already, a prosthetic is all you need. No nudity needed at all in this. Just do a lower leg shot when Vagina Lady rips off her skirt. It's all about the reactions of everyone. The more cheesy the other special effects are, the better.

This could be a great way for someone to get really noticed/controversy wise. Somebody make this so I can keep LOL'n.
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: December 8th, 2015, 12:50pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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I disagree with everyone else about the ugly vagina. That was the best part.
Pretty funny.
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Erica
Posted: December 9th, 2015, 10:28am Report to Moderator
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Well I though the writing was a little stiff...

Not really my kind of humor, but I'm sure you would get a big rise out of the college folks.

On a serious note the writing was solid as well as format.

Funny part is, I just saw this yesterday and thought of this script. lol

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5tPqu-diV_U


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TonyDionisio
Posted: December 10th, 2015, 10:47am Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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CJ, you seem to be passionate about the craft and active, so how about a truce? I mean, you beat me down, you got me -- I'm broken. Let's e-hug it out. Agree to disagree. Be pals. Have a brewski. You did take the time to review my shit, so let's see what you came up with...


Quoted from CJ Walley
Okay, well Tony seems to really want people to read this as I was encouraged to take a gander by him in another post. Well, duhh. Of course I want people to read/comment on my work so I can get better at it. Doesn't most everyone?

A bit of fun. I found it funny. Very nicely presented, although THE END jumping onto it's own page after FADE OUT shows a lack of attention to detail. I only spotted one typo Happy you found it funny. Well, what's the typo so I can fix it??? Ya, well it's linear so, I really don't plan where the last line winds up or on what page, although it would be easy to fix. Do I really need to?

Seems very much like a throwaway type affair. Make a few dick jokes. Would work well as a regular piece in a sketch show. Kinda reminded me of Powdered Toast Man in a Ren & Stimpy Episode. I agree about the Lord Flasheart comparison - my favourite character in Blackadder. Never heard of this Flash or Black guy.

However, as a standalone short, it's devoid of actual story, there's no scene dynamic, there doesn't seem to be any form of message (other than a worryingly chauvinistic one). It's a short that says "to be continued" Did you not see that part?

Cock Man foils a robbery and hostage by showing everyone his cock.
Cock Man helps save a marriage by showing them his cock.
Cock Man converts two lesbians into heterosexuals by showing them his cock.
Cock Man uncovers political corruption by showing everyone his cock.
Cock Man is confronted by a woman behind the corruption, who has a vagina so ugly it renders him impotent.
The End.

Wow, I did all that in only 8 pages? I'm patting myself on the back ;P

So basically what little story dynamic there is repeats itself four times and then, when the protagonist finally comes into some challenging conflict, the story falls limp and withers away. That was funny. Good job with a dick joke. It's a short that says "to be continued" Did you not see that part?

Do some reading into story structure, even just basic reading, it still applies over 6 pages. Try to put some acts into this. Personally I feel Ugly Vagina lady should be showing up and establishing herself as the antagonist on page 2 and, after a struggle, have Cock Man withered away by page 4. Look at character development and think about how to show Cock Man is affected by his impotence and weakness. What does this cause him to realise and how does he then change to go on and defeat his enemy? Also think about what the solution says in terms of being life affirming. For example, maybe Cock Man needs to reflect on the words of a wise masturbation mentor and delve deep into his own imagination, which could say something about fantasizing being the way to be physically be better. Maybe Cock Man turns to chemistry and fuses a tanker full of RedBull with some cement to create a hybrid super viagra, suggesting performance enhancing drugs are legitimate and should not be stigmatised. Maybe he sits on his hand until it's numb and engages for the first time in a mysterious stranger technique, unsure if it will work, only to find it results in a climax so triumphant it's a veritable riot cannon of ejaculate that plasters the evil doer to the wall. Just think about what you want to say about life - other than cocks fix everything, unless women's vaginas are too ugly - 'cause that's kind of a dick move.

Holy fux-stix, Did your Return/Enter key break? I gotta parse through this massive paragraph just to get your feed? I hope you don't use large paragraphs like this in your scripts -- some may frown on it, like grammar issues. ;P Sorry, couldn't resist.

Also look at scene dynamic if you can, even if it's just basic goal, turnaround, and new goal. You can't just have the protag turn up, fix everything, and leave, magnificent cock or not. Look at PASTO. Look at Dan Harmon's circles. Look at finale structures too. Uhh, story stops with the protagonist apparently beaten/down. But I get what you're saying, he should do more. Having a big dick and showing it off won't get you places in life.

Remember, trying to get noticed for being controversial isn't really admirable, certainly not as admirable as getting noticed for craft. Awe, poo. I'll try to remember that/work on it. Controversy recognition is not admirable -- check.


Thx for the review. Appreciate it large

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cloroxmartini
Posted: December 11th, 2015, 6:26am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Erica
Well I though the writing was a little stiff...

Not really my kind of humor, but I'm sure you would get a big rise out of the college folks.

On a serious note the writing was solid as well as format.

Funny part is, I just saw this yesterday and thought of this script. lol

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5tPqu-diV_U


Apart from the obvious question as to how one stumbles across this video; it's hilarious!

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DustinBowcot
Posted: December 11th, 2015, 1:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hi mate, not sure what your aim is with this script. I suspect simply to have fun. A little like my Antisocial Emissions script. It's nice to kick back and write an absurd story now and again.

There were a couple of LOL moments for me. I do have trouble with his nemesis being an Ugly Vagina though as it suddenly becomes too manly. Like man, manly. Not that there's anything wrong with that for anyone else.

What seems prevalent in this story is the thread where Cock Man can't get any sexual action for himself. I think that's a decent thread and worth following. Instead of he having a nemesis, maybe what he needs is a good woman. His poor balls must be bursting and maybe it's killing him, or something. He needs a woman to get his powers back, but not just any woman. Something like that.

Anyway, it's a nice start, but there is still some work to do here, IMO.
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Marcela
Posted: December 29th, 2015, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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LOL, OMG, LOL, OMG.
Okay, this must be some kind of Superman parody. I'm not sure about the ending, it kinda should be stronger and more funny.


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TonyDionisio
Posted: October 25th, 2016, 5:12pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Thanks for the revision update, Don.

I played around with this a bit and took some of your guy's suggestions.

Thanks everyone!

Tony.
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Nomad
Posted: October 25th, 2016, 9:16pm Report to Moderator
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I found this hard to get through.

I had to whip out my dictionary a few times.

Unfortunately it limped along and never came to fruition.

It's not your fault.  It happens to a lot of writers.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
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TonyDionisio
Posted: October 25th, 2016, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Quoted from Nomad
I found this hard to get through.

I had to whip out my dictionary a few times.

Unfortunately it limped along and never came to fruition.

It's not your fault.  It happens to a lot of writers.

Jordan


Lol, that makes me just want to wilt away.
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TonyDionisio
Posted: January 3rd, 2017, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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If you guys are interested,

Cock Man 2 - Die Hard-on Die

can be found here...

https://www.scriptrevolution.com/scripts/cock-man-2-die-hard-on-die

until Don can 'get it up' on this site.

Tony.
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Don
Posted: January 3rd, 2017, 11:15pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Quoted from TonyDionisio
If you guys are interested,

Cock Man 2 - Die Hard-on Die

can be found here...

https://www.scriptrevolution.com/scripts/cock-man-2-die-hard-on-die

until Don can 'get it up' on this site.

Tony.


Hi Tony,

On 12/3 I posted an updated version of "Cock Man 2 - Die Hard-on Die "  that you originally submitted in October. Is this a different version?  Did I miss an updated version?  If so, could I trouble you to resubmit. My apologies for the oversight.

- Don



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Cameron
Posted: July 1st, 2017, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
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So, I came late to the party on this one.

Yep, that's some right old offensive stuff on the page. Rude, surreal and offensive, and I liked most of it. The lesbians ain't gonna fly in the current political climate, not that they really should, I think that was possibly the most offensive bit.

The technical stuff all seemed pretty on the money, and I can't deny the creativity. Basically it kept reminding me of Balls Out, by the Robotard 3000 (this one here, not the crappy looking teen movie - http://www.therobotard8000.com/BALLS%20OUT_WEB.pdf). The lads who wrote Balls Out nailed the formatting, and produced a work of offensive greatness, but they had a better crafted story line than Cock Man.

So then. A bit up and down, I see there's a sequel so I shall venture onwards and explore.

Cam

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Tyler King
Posted: July 2nd, 2017, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
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I can't even begin to tell you how much I laughed my damn ass off reading these, the descriptions alone had me in tears. But good luck getting it filmed! lol
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ajr
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Ummmm....

It's not satirizing anything.  And even if we accept the premise of a large-membered superhero, it's not logical that said member could have healing powers.

So it's double entendre and dick jokes for the sake of it, with offensive descriptions like carpet munchers, lesbos and ugly.

And the note to self line was the only one I chuckled at.

Sorry, not for me, but if people are laughing at it and talking about it, more (dick) power to you I guess...


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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