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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Belief Moderators: bert
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  Author    Belief  (currently 3953 views)
Don
Posted: December 6th, 2015, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Belief by Richard Russell - Short, Dramedy - A first-year coed experiences the vagaries of a new social order. 6 - pdf, format


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: December 6th, 2015, 5:24pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Rich, a few thoughts, just my opinion of course

1) Why are Finn and Carl 6 years apart? Is this normal for US Universitys?
2) I'm guessing this is an alternate reality setting? But it was a little difficult to work out, as there's dialogue about 'ancient constructs of ownership' but later the secret meeting talks about capitalism... so the timeline seemed unclear to me.
3) Perhaps the alternate reality could be shown more. maybe Finn walks into Engels building, Carl taps on his Leninpad, that sort of thing.
4) CARL
I can’t wear those.
Is that meant to be Finn speaking?

Anyway, just some picky bits... overall I liked this.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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RichardR
Posted: December 6th, 2015, 6:54pm Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

In American schools, undergrad and grad students are mixed.  In fact, you might find 30 year olds among the students.  At this point, in America we have gender neutral restrooms and indeed locker rooms. Personal property will soon be gone. Without personal property capitalism is dead. Hence, the mention.  

Carl's comment refers to her underwear.  He gives back because it won't fit.

Thanks for the read

Best
Richard
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SAC
Posted: December 6th, 2015, 7:57pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Richard,

Overall I liked this. Most of what you were going for you cleared up in your last post here.

Good storytelling, especially liked the end where the door was cracked with Finn trying to get a bead on what was inside. Can't say I'm a fan of the social commentary thing unless it goes a bit deeper. This was pretty straightforward, but a good read and tightly written.

Steve


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Logan McDonald
Posted: December 7th, 2015, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Richard,
I liked the first half the script. We’ve all had horrible roommates and Carl takes the cake. It was over top but that is where the funnies came from.

I didn’t understand the last two pages. It seemed like a complete tonal shift and left me confused as to who Finn was talking to and why. It felt like the beginning of a second script. Finn messing with Carl’s things because of the “no personal ownership” philosophy felt like a good ending.

Anyway, it was short sweet and to the point.
Nice work!
Logan.


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alffy
Posted: December 7th, 2015, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
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This is not a script to my liking; not that it's bad but the theme is something I'm not really interested in lol.

Anyway, it's pretty well written and has good comedic moments.

A decent short, well done.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

You can find my scripts here
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RichardR
Posted: December 28th, 2015, 11:17am Report to Moderator
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Folks,

thanks for the read and the comments.  I certainly agree that the topic is not for everyone.  It's meant as a commentary on the modern, American campus.  I'm not sure it works, but it was fun to write.  I don't do a lot of comedy, even on political subjects, so thanks much.

Richard

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eldave1
Posted: December 30th, 2015, 9:43pm Report to Moderator
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A very good knack for dialogue - rang true for the most part.

The ending left me a little wanting more. I would have liked to see Finn compare and contrast communal vs. capitalistic living. i.e., once she goes through that door - is it better? worse?

Oh well - that's it - nicely crafted.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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RichardR
Posted: January 15th, 2016, 11:37am Report to Moderator
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Eldave1

thanks for the read and the comments.  Unfortunately, I don't have any story going forward.  Have to think about that.

Best
Richard
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DustinBowcot
Posted: January 15th, 2016, 11:47am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RichardR
Without personal property capitalism is dead. Hence, the mention.  


Personal property is a fallacy. You don't own your car, your house or your children. You merely care for those things on behalf of your government. When you buy a car, you are only buying the right to drive it and the responsibility of keeping it taxed, licensed or whatever. If your government chose to, they could take back their car, house or even children. Nobody actually owns anything.

I'm not sure how you can jump from mixed bathrooms to a loss of personal property. Sounds like right wing paranoia to me. Not that I'm left. I know there are many Americans that believe there are only two sides to everything.
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RichardR
Posted: January 15th, 2016, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
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At the risk of starting something, the logic goes like this.

You own yourself.  You own all the things about you--ideas, speech, life, etc.

If you can own yourself, then you can own other things.

Personal ownership is not granted by government--at least according to US standards.  You are endowed with personal rights that are yours irrespective of any government.  Among those rights, are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.  And no, in the US, the government may not take your car or child without reason and due process.  Is tyranny right around the corner?  Perhaps, but it does not negate the inalienable rights of the individual.  

You can buy a car and never license it or even drive it, simply add it to your collection.  It's your car.

When you write a screenplay, it's yours.  You own it--at least so far.

best
Richard


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DustinBowcot
Posted: January 15th, 2016, 12:22pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RichardR


You own yourself.  You own all the things about you--ideas, speech, life, etc.

If you can own yourself, then you can own other things.



You don't own yourself either. Your government owns you and can send you to war or force you into labour at any time they see fit. If you say no, you can always say no... then they can shoot you in the head.

I don't own my car, the DVLA does. If I wanted to buy a car to add to a collection I could do that too, but when all is said and done, the car will still belong to the DVLA, which is a governmental body. There will be something similar in your country.
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Gum
Posted: January 15th, 2016, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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I agree Dustin…

I agree to the extent that there was a deception put in place many generations ago to ensure the state could legally control a person outside of universal justification… some call it the ‘Strawman”

Your identification shows proof of this, meaning: on all government issued ID your entire name is in uppercase, making you a corporation of the state. You’re bound to the state as a corporation, not as a person, that is how they impose regulation on your existence.

Your corporate name is bound to a land title if you own a home, however, Try NOT paying your property taxes for just one year… you’ll find out soon enough who actually owns your home.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: January 15th, 2016, 2:26pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah these laws were originally put in place to 'protect us from foreign enemies'. It needs to be easy for the government to commandeer land and vehicles in the case of war. Makes sense to people thrown into the chaos of a world war.

Also, people and children are owned by the government they have citizenship with. If you say no to their demands, even if those demands are that you run over the top of a bunker into machine gun fire, you have to do it. If you don't, they have the legal right to shoot you in the head.

This is what I mean by North Korea having nothing on the west in the brainwashing stakes. People, hypnotised by the shit the TV pumps into them, are everywhere. When a big event occurs, it's often akin to walking amidst zombies. It's amazing, but also very scary that people can be so easily manipulated.
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MiguelP
Posted: October 5th, 2017, 12:00pm Report to Moderator
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I really enjoyed this script quite a bit, the dynamic set immediately between Finn and Carl is awesome, and the ending is very well written. Huge props!
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