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Tattooji by Anthony Cawood - Short, Drama - Tempers quickly fray when an inconsiderate boyfriend wastes their money on yet another useless gadget and she takes issue with his childish spending. - pdf, format
To start off, the writing flowed real well. An easy read for sure.
The story is where I'm on the fence. (Spoilers)
I actually didn't see that this was a drama before I started reading this and, from the first half of the story, thought it was a comedy. It only started shifting tone with the bathroom fight scene. Honestly, I see this as more of a comedy than a drama if only for the fact that a tattoo which seems to be a dead giveaway for Ben's true feelings and motives could be more of a curse than a blessing. I mean, imagine Ben trying to lie to Kaitlin about how fat her ass looks in a pair of jeans and all she had to do was look at that tattoo. lol.
The tattoo as a catalyst to this argument isn't terribly necessary as well. I mean, Ben could have bought any number of ridiculous things and the story would have played out the same more or less. I guess I feel that the idea that this tattoo reveals his real thoughts is an idea that seems a bit wasted and was only really skimmed over in this story.
Just a thought but I would rework this one into a comedy. I think a guy with a s*** emoji on his arm while getting caught up in a s*** situation is golden. Good job in any case.
Good job. I like the idea, although I think it's too easy. The tattoo is too passive. It's a tattoo equivalent of a mood ring. You might consider ramping it up. Take it from a reflection of his emotions and moods to the impetus for his moods. From there, you can take your story anywhere.
The pacing is good, and the characters are believeable. Push the envelope on the tattoo, and you take us on a wild ride.
John/Richard - thanks for the reads and comments, greatly appreciated...
John - straight comedy, hmm one to ruminate on... can see what you mean. and yes the Tattoo is a Mcguffin, but I think a very visual one ;-
Richrd - yep mood ring was on my mind, and as above essentially a Mcguffin... making it change his moods... interesting and another one on my ideas pad... though I'm pretty sure it was done on X Files (old series)... will have a ponder.
Nicely written as always. I don't have any thoughts to share, I've just noticed that you like to add current tech/social elements into your scripts. I remember you had one about a 3D printer
Reading it I just wished you used it in another direction, perhaps not outright comedy but definitely dramedy. Your opener does have a great light and breezy vibe with the character, but then it takes a dark turn via the domestic violence, which honestly didn't really rock my boat. If you do decide to use the tattoo emoji in a different direction might I suggest more of a Twilight Zone/Liar Liar hybrid I.e., perhaps he's cheating on his wife and the tattoo reveals each time contrary to what he says, his deception - perhaps likewise with his lover and he gets in a whole lot of mess trying to juggle the two situations. Whole different story, I know...
Like I said, love the premise but too grim for me and I do think it's ripe for some comic elements at least.
This was a cool read. I learn so much from quality written scripts.
*WARNING: FEEDBACK FROM A NEWBIE*
I got the comedy element in this all the emoji's, but like LC, it was a bit like oil and water to me with the DV undertone. Dark and light. It seemed to clash a bit. But saying that the story kept me enthralled throughout.
I almost had the urge to write these notes in emojis -- but outside of smiley face/sad face I’ve no idea where to start. It’s like hieroglyphics for teenagers...
This definitely didn’t go where I expected it to, with the opening scenes (and the concept itself) more suggestive of comedy -- and this despite being clearly labelled drama in the log…
I like the idea of a Tattooji -- the 'wearer' essentially unable to hide their emotions. Nothing wrong with what you’ve got, but it felt to me like the story quickly escalated to the extreme with the tattooji simply being used to represent Ben’s off-screen emotions. Payoff wise it left me wanting. The concept offers a lot of potential and I have to wonder where else you could take it.
All the best,
Steve
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
I did wonder if I would feel the same as everyone else and I'm afraid that I do. This is a great idea, the execution is off.
If she's so scared of him, why would she argue so vehemently? She also goes to work...
The thing with work is that when she goes there, she is outside of his control. Domestic violence usually starts through one party wishing to control the other. They separate the victim from their friends and family, then set to work totally demoralising them, make the victim feel worthless until they are totally reliant on the abuser.
That's why this doesn't work... the shift in tone is too great. She goes from being confident in his presence to utterly terrified in a heartbeat.
Not sure if you should make it a comedy, but you should certainly get the tone right.
It is a great idea though and worthy of some extra effort.
This is some of your most streamlined writing I've seen. Read very well, fast and to the point. I could go on! But what is the gist of the story here? I think I got everything fine, but I can't figure out what it really meant. Only thing I can think of is that this is the start of something bigger because, as is, it needs fleshing out. So the emoji changes faces and such with his moods, but... I don't know. I just really didn't get it as a whole, or so the bigger picture here.
Sorry if I might have repeated anything. Didn't read any comments on this.
page 1 - I actually thought Ben was ENTERING the tatoo parlour, until the new paragraph clarified he was leaving. I love the 'scrawny runt' description. page 2 - I got completely lost again - I thought for a while Ben had bought a new tablet or something and is showing it to her! I really enjoyed reading it, I guess it's a chunk of something bigger, because it's pretty hopeless as it stands. I dare disagree with Dustin's theory, very often both parties of a relationship are equally bad and they can't help themselves but attack one another.
This one was nicely written. Very concise and very clean. But somehow there's a juxtaposition in it. Was this intentionally? The Tattoji, seems like it would come off very cartoony on screen, the changes of faces, yet there's domestic violence going on at the same time.