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So, I liked the concept, though the constant cuts to the emoji expressions during their discussion seem a bit forced, at least to me, thinking about it visually.
The tone seemed a tad off... I really thought this was a comedy at first and then it got really dark all of a sudden. I would try to make Ben a little more unlikable from the jump. His ignorance at the beginning is silly and kind of endearing. Then to have him go off the rails like that out of nowhere...
Part of the problem is that Kaitlin is very unlikable in contrast... nobody likes a nag, even if she does have a valid point. I would make her less confrontational. Maybe show some past due bills or something like that. Maybe Ben blames her for not working enough, etc. She explains that she works a ton of hours, hasn't gotten her hair done in months and then -- she spots the fresh tattoo on his arm. He proudly shows it off and THEN she asks how much it cost. When he finally admits that it was 400, she almost cries. Threatens to leave him. And maybe THAT is what sets him off.
Not sure if that's the best way, but I'd definitely try to ease my way into the violence a little bit. Maybe she has a black eye or something.
The script was written well enough and concept was neat. Just thought the tone was off. With some tweaking of the characters, I think it's an easy fix.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Nice to have things you're proud of in your portfolio. I'm hoping that once I have two or three decent shorts that I can show people without any embarrassment, that this will improve my chances of features being picked up. Not sure if it's the correct logic, but it seems pretty sound.
Not sure it's the right logic either Dustin, but I completely agree.
I want to be able to say I'm a produced screenwriter without having to caveat it in some way... so each one that gets optioned I hope that 1) they make it and 2) they make it well...
I'm sure others have said the same. The description narrative was so good, the speed, the action. It was a quick and enjoyable read. The scene rose in the stakes as the two characters battled it out. Also, nice little "hook" with the "emoji tattoo."
BLB
Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
Anthony, Insight required! So I watched TATOOJI , split screen with the intent of reading along with the script. Lot's of changes to the script? Did you work with the producer/director or did they have free rein to make changes? Oh, I enjoyed the final result.
I've entered into discussions with a potential producer and have made a few minor changes to my script. (I liked the suggestions made; thought they enhanced the flow of the story).
How much re-writing did you do? Were the changes agreed to verbally only?
I know you're probably busy so a word or two will more than suffice.