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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Anything For You Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 15th, 2016, 4:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Anything For You by Warren Duncan - Short, Horror - A deranged killer will do anything for the one he loves. - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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eldave1
Posted: July 15th, 2016, 5:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, Warren:

Horror is not really my cup of tea but thought this was solidly written for the most part.

I would lose all of the (CONT'Ds) - they really are not needed and are a distraction.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
Posted: July 15th, 2016, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Thanks, eldave, for the read and compliment on the writing.

The CONT'S are automatically generated by FD. Will have a look.


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eldave1
Posted: July 15th, 2016, 5:37pm Report to Moderator
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In FD:

Click on the "Document" tab at the middle top of the screen.

Scroll down to "Mores and Cont'ds"

That'll open a dialogue box with some options - uncheck the box marked "Automatic Character Cont'ds"

That will disable the feature


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Warren
Posted: July 15th, 2016, 6:04pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Cheers.


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DaveTroop
Posted: July 15th, 2016, 6:28pm Report to Moderator
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Warren,

Very good job.  

We don't get to know too much about Emmett's background.  All we know is he hears and obeys voices in his head.  I liked the etching of ONE MORE on his arm.  Real or imagined, not sure, but a cool visual.

I would have liked the reveal that Emmett stole the letter opener happen in the psychiatrist's office seconds before her death, rather than in his cell.  Have her rummaging through the desk looking for it, then hear him mumbling.

Also, the ending image of the psychiatrist, although totally legit in this story, seems to steal some impact from your twist.  I loved how the orderlies started to follow Emmett as their master, and feel this is how the script should end.  Maybe have an orderly stumble upon the crime scene before Emmett takes the orderly's hand.

Just some suggestions.

Some minor typos.
EMMITT should be in all caps when introduced on page 1.
A babies cry should be a baby's cry on page 1.
The Orderly's dialogue Quite in there should be Quiet in there on page 4,

Overall, a  very good read.  Formatting was very good.  The CONTD's  really slow down the read, so just remove them.

Thanks for submitting and good luck.

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Warren
Posted: July 15th, 2016, 6:45pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Thanks for the read and good review, Dave.

I have tidied up the typos, cant believe I missed them. I am usually so careful. Really don't know how I missed EMMETT, rookie mistake.

CONTD'S removed, thanks again, eldave.

I struggled to decide when to reveal the letter opener, and finally chose to do it in the room.

I wont make any story changes for the moment, will see what the overall consensus is then decide what to do.

Thanks again, much appreciated.



Revision History (1 edits)
Warren  -  July 15th, 2016, 7:09pm
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MarkItZero
Posted: July 15th, 2016, 9:52pm Report to Moderator
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Warren (aka The Machine) -- Think you did a better job avoiding the list tendencies. You changed perspectives more which I think helped. It was more visual, less of "he does this then he does that...", overall just more efficient writing. Nice job.

One issue for me was the therapist giving up on the session. Her saying things like "Screw it. I give up" and "You're a lost cause" rang untrue for me. That would be very unprofessional behavior. Pretty sure you were implying from her character description she's a bit unprofessional... but still it's too far. And more importantly, having them sitting there in silence makes for a tension-less scene.

Think you missed a opportunity here to reveal a little something about the forces controlling Emmet. Obviously you don't wanna give too much. But maybe she's a bit more clever and finds a way to get him talking and asking him stuff like "Anything for who, Emmet? Who told you to do what you did?", maybe they even talk about the voices he hears and she chalks it up to psychosis. And the moment she starts getting close to something, they get interrupted or a timer goes off for the session ending.

Also, how long before this gets optioned? Ten minutes?



That rug really tied the room together.
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Warren
Posted: July 15th, 2016, 10:05pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Thanks for the read, James.

Glad the change in writing was noticed, I'm really working on it.

Was definitely going for an unprofessional psych.

I still write with the intent of keeping as much hidden as possible and maybe I still struggle with the line between too little and too much.

I would love this one to get picked up. It's my personal favorite.


READ ME:

There is now a slightly modified draft on here.



Revision History (1 edits)
Warren  -  July 16th, 2016, 8:46pm
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DustinBowcot
Posted: July 17th, 2016, 4:37am Report to Moderator
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I didn't understand why the orderlies started following. At first I thought that perhaps he had passed on some type of curse, but then the other orderlies began following too. So it must be some type of demon, capable of possessing/mind controlling several people at once.

Why didn't the psychiatrist tag along instead of becoming a victim? Everyone else began following after the first orderly was killed and this, I assume, fed the demonic entity sufficiently enough to possess these other people. So wouldn't she have been possessed too?

Aside from that, very atmospheric, solid writing. Plenty of blood, plenty of creep factor. Nice job.
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Warren
Posted: July 17th, 2016, 4:57am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Thanks for the read and positive comments, Dustin.

SPOILERS:

Was just the one orderly, the rest were patients following. I used the CLICK to try indicate the locks opening and PATIENT 1 and 2 are clearly written.

Power given through the souls of innocent babies (common satanic sacrifice), the pregnant psych being the last victim, the "ONE MORE". She had to die.

Indication of pregnancy being her phone call.

All hidden in there somewhere.

Thanks again, always appreciate your feedback.



Revision History (1 edits)
Warren  -  July 17th, 2016, 5:11am
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DustinBowcot
Posted: July 17th, 2016, 5:51am Report to Moderator
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Code

PSYCHIATRIST
Hey.
(listens)
Thank you, we’re so happy.
(listens)
Four months.
(listens)
We -- 



This could mean anything. It's also not just babies that are killed so it's impossible to figure that out with what you have here.
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Warren
Posted: July 17th, 2016, 6:13am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Agreed, but in this context, the 2 original babies, the ONE MORE (baby), the gutted woman, I thought it would be enough to piece it togeather. Wasn't just relying on the phone call. More like a puzzle, you need all the pieces to see the complete picture

Will see how others feel before I make it more direct, but I do commonly get picked up for leaving too much out so it is something I try keep in mind.

You think this one is vague, my next script has so much going on it confused me half the time. I think I tied up in the end though.

Thanks.


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DustinBowcot
Posted: July 17th, 2016, 6:21am Report to Moderator
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I presumed that the 'one more' referred to one more random victim. Could just be me. Probably smoking too much again.
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Warren
Posted: July 17th, 2016, 6:26am Report to Moderator
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Haha

Hopefully!


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