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You've been pretty active on the boards so I thought I'd take a look.
A couple things. I would just describe Paul right off the bat. He's introduced immediately after the mention so a cut of the middleman would be best IMO.
I'm not sure but you may want to include the slug after the flashback just in case.
The amnesia angle is fine but one thing I doubt could be lost for a vampire is that thirst for blood and she has a pack hanging right above her without so much as a second glance. To me that seemed like a wasted opportunity. Her memories may be jumbled but the suppression of her primal vampire instinct would probably make its way through the haziness rather quickly or so I would assume. It would be rather interesting to picture a vampire who didn't know they were a vampire puzzled as to why blood has a sudden effect on them.
The driver's reaction to Mike's intervention seemed a bit off as well. While rereading the short, I would have expected him to react a bit more hysterically, perhaps a screeching of his tires to drive the point home.
That's all I've got. It's a decent story and the writing grooves rather well.
A read for a read makes the whole world...better at reading.††PM me for a read.
Quick and easy read. I liked it. The ending was good, although, when it comes to vampires, I feel like the sunlight hits them the very second they step into it. Which would mean she wouldn't have ran so far out, but that's just me.
Anyway, I've enjoyed all of your stories and this one fits right in. As a new, and ameturis writer, I can read your writing and learn.
I agree about the sunlight, she really doesn't get that far though. the slug is front yard and there is literally one line of action before she starts to feel the effect. It should all happen quite fast, that's why she doesn't have enough time to get back inside either.
This is a cool idea and you did a good job putting it together. Definitely something I'd watch if it got filmed. My only suggestion, storywise, is to maybeÖ
Ö give some more information about Paul and Kate's relationship and explain how Kate turned to a vampire (which seems to have happened recently, since she's 25 and Paul is also 25 in the flashback). This is the last thing Kate remembers, so it could be of some importance. (What e.g. if her transformation took place that particular day? Did Mike and Jeff have anything to do with it? And what happened to Paul?)
A formatting thing: When it comes to sounds, "OFF SCREEN" is implied Ė you don't need to mention it. For example, it's SIRENS because we can only hear the approaching ambulances or police cars, and it's FOOTSTEPS because we can only hear someone walking.
Finally, I'm not a native English speaker, but is this correct?
Blurred and almost indistinguishable, Kate watches MIKE help her to her feet.
Kate watches MIKE, blurred and almost indistinguishable, help her to her feet.
Enough with the nitpicking, though. This is a good story and I hope it gets made. Good luck with it!
I'm not sure this one conforms to the canon. Do vampires bleed? And aren't they pretty much indestructible? So, I had a hard time accepting that she could be damaged by a car. Also, with amnesia, wouldn't she ask who she is? How could she offer money from a family she can't remember? And can a vampire even get amnesia? Don't know.
Those questions aside, this one works in some senses. I like the idea that she somehow either can't remember or no longer believes she's a vampire. Fine with me.
Nice job. Your writing is mint and makes for a fast-paced, easy read. Massive bonus.
Although, not my kind of flick, I can appreciate what you've done here.
A suggestion: Top of page 2. Instead of hearing Mike and Driver talking over black, have a P.O.V from Kate's perspective. Show us blurry silhouettes of the fella's arguing and then one pissing off in a car.
The "HISS" reminded me of a cat. I hate cats. My girlfriend has a cat and it's a cunt.
Who is Paul? I get he must have been an ex of some sort, but maybe involve him in the story somehow. He's just kind of random at the moment. Or just give him the boot and have a subtle flashback of her being bit by something (vampire.) Give us a taste, but not the whole thing. Just yet.
Get rid of the flashback in the slug.
And this is damn nit-picky of me, but the names suck. You have a cool, creative little story going with the most unimaginative names in Kate, Paul, Mike and Jeff. Easy fix.
Or you could just tell me to jam it, and that you like those names because your best friends dad is called Jeff and uncle Jeff is a fucking legend. In that case.. I like the name, Jeff. Jeff rocks.
I looked up what noise a vampire makes and people reckon it's a hiss so that's what I went with.
Paul is literally just a prop, yes probably an ex, lets us see Kate in the daylight not being a vampire. It's ment as an early redirection.
I'm an unimaginative name kinda guy. I can't really explain why. It's the same in everything I write.
Will never tell you to jam it and I love nitpicky, I'm the same in most of my reviews, suger coating serves no purpose. I want to know what my shortfalls are and how I can make them better. Obviously won't always take the advise but that doesn't mean I don't want it told the way it is.
This was decent. I knew vampire the moment you mentioned her skin though. Maybe change it to "porcelain" skin and describe her as kind of geeky so we're not wondering why you mentioned her skin. And don't mention the men's skin. Also don't mention the windows are boarded up until she runs out of the basement, because most people assume basements are dark and again you're giving away your twist.
I wish there was more of a story to this other than the twist. I get that you implied she was kidnapped, but I would have liked more.
We hear Mike but we don't see Mike until she thinks he's a kidnapper. That's nice, but I don't think you should call him Mike while he's on the phone. Let us be just as surprised as your protagonist is when she's "captured".
Jeff shouldn't snicker either when she asks about to hospital. For th last time, it gives your twist away. Just have Mike and Jeff stare at each other. And make their actions more threatening. I knew the whole time the girl was doing a disservice to herself. You should make the audience believe that she's in real danger.
I wasnít trying to hide a twist from the readers in the way you are implying, Iíd be more interested in hiding it from a viewer if this were to be filmed, but even then that wouldnít necessarily be my aim. Things like the colour of their skin, the boarded up house, Jeffís snicker would have to be present (well maybe not the snicker, but I like it). With out these things it would take away from the fact that itís a vampire story at all and wouldnít make much sense.
This isnít a mystery with a big reveal. There are lots of points where the reader/viewer can figure it out. Itís really only a mystery to Kate. We should have figured it out before she steps outside, wanting her not to do it.
Not sure there is much more of a story to tell, I mean, how long could you hide the fact that a vampire is a vampire? I never implied she was kidnapped at any point. She is the only one that thinks that. We know Mike is a friend from the very start.
Mike and Jeff arenít threatening and to us they arenít meant to be, they are her friends and Kate is never in real danger, her friends are trying to keep her safe.
So although I completely understand all the things you have suggested, they are not in line the story I set out to tell.
This was submitted as a supernatural drama, the drama part didnít show up next to the logline for some reason. It wasnít meant to be your typical horrific, thrilling, gory vampire flick. I feel the whole vampire thing has been done to death and I told myself I would never write anything with vampires unless I could do something a little different. I was going for friends trying to look out for a friend who happens to be a vampire. My angle being a vampire who canít remember sheís a vampire. As far as Iím aware that hasnít been done before.
Thanks again for your thoughts, always appreciated.
To any new readers there has been a few name changes.
Kate - Eve Mike - Mika Jeff - Remy
After thinking about a suggestion by Brandon, I decided to give these a go.