SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is October 23rd, 2017, 1:59pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship
The October 2017 OWC Scripts Are Live!

phobia - An extreme or irrational fear of or aversion to something

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  A Day To Remember Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    A Day To Remember  (currently 2260 views)
Don
Posted: July 31st, 2016, 12:11pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
11509
Posts Per Day
1.88
A Day To Remember by Warren Duncan - Short, Supernatural - A young woman with amnesia must escape her captors to discover the truth about herself. - pdf, format


Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
Warren
Posted: July 31st, 2016, 6:18pm Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
928
Posts Per Day
1.82
Love a few reads please, I'm always good for a return.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 42
RegularJohn
Posted: July 31st, 2016, 9:41pm Report to Moderator
Purple


The bar has JUST been lowered

Location
sky valley
Posts
314
Posts Per Day
0.17
Hey Warren.

You've been pretty active on the boards so I thought I'd take a look.

A couple things.  I would just describe Paul right off the bat.  He's introduced immediately after the mention so a cut of the middleman would be best IMO.

I'm not sure but you may want to include the slug after the flashback just in case.

SPOILERS

The amnesia angle is fine but one thing I doubt could be lost for a vampire is that thirst for blood and she has a pack hanging right above her without so much as a second glance.  To me that seemed like a wasted opportunity.  Her memories may be jumbled but the suppression of her primal vampire instinct would probably make its way through the haziness rather quickly or so I would assume.  It would be rather interesting to picture a vampire who didn't know they were a vampire puzzled as to why blood has a sudden effect on them.

The driver's reaction to Mike's intervention seemed a bit off as well.  While rereading the short, I would have expected him to react a bit more hysterically, perhaps a screeching of his tires to drive the point home.

That's all I've got.  It's a decent story and the writing grooves rather well.

-Johnny


A read for a read makes the whole world...better at reading.††PM me for a read.

Ring Finger
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 42
Warren
Posted: July 31st, 2016, 9:54pm Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
928
Posts Per Day
1.82
Thanks for the read, Johnny.

Definitely some things I will take another look at tonight. I think you're right, I need to do something with the blood.

Thanks for the suggestions, much appreciated.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 42
Tor
Posted: July 31st, 2016, 11:51pm Report to Moderator
Red


Posts
3
Posts Per Day
0.00
Hey Warren,

Quick and easy read. I liked it. The ending was good, although, when it comes to vampires, I feel like the sunlight hits them the very second they step into it. Which would mean she wouldn't have ran so far out, but that's just me.

Anyway, I've enjoyed all of your stories and this one fits right in. As a new, and ameturis writer, I can read your writing and learn.

Thanks
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 42
Warren
Posted: August 1st, 2016, 12:34am Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
928
Posts Per Day
1.82
Thanks for the read and comments, Tor.

Glad you liked it and thanks for the compliment.

I agree about the sunlight, she really doesn't get that far though. the slug is front yard and there is literally one line of action before she starts to feel the effect. It should all happen quite fast, that's why she doesn't have enough time to get back inside either.

Hope that clears that up.

Thanks again.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb
Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 42
Athenian
Posted: August 1st, 2016, 3:03am Report to Moderator
Purple



Posts
207
Posts Per Day
0.17
Hi Warren,

This is a cool idea and you did a good job putting it together. Definitely something I'd watch if it got filmed. My only suggestion, storywise, is to maybeÖ

[SPOILER]

Ö give some more information about Paul and Kate's relationship and explain how Kate turned to a vampire (which seems to have happened recently, since she's 25 and Paul is also 25 in the flashback). This is the last thing Kate remembers, so it could be of some importance. (What e.g. if her transformation took place that particular day? Did Mike and Jeff have anything to do with it? And what happened to Paul?)

A formatting thing: When it comes to sounds, "OFF SCREEN" is implied Ė you don't need to mention it. For example, it's SIRENS because we can only hear the approaching ambulances or police cars, and it's FOOTSTEPS because we can only hear someone walking.

Finally, I'm not a native English speaker, but is this correct?


Quoted Text
Blurred and almost indistinguishable, Kate watches MIKE help her to her feet.


I'd expect:


Quoted Text
Kate watches MIKE, blurred and almost indistinguishable, help her to her feet.


Enough with the nitpicking, though. This is a good story and I hope it gets made. Good luck with it!

Manolis
Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 42
Warren
Posted: August 1st, 2016, 3:08am Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
928
Posts Per Day
1.82
Thanks for the read, Manolis.

Always feel free to nitpick away. I appreciate all and any feedback.

I will have another read of the script and look at the suggestions you have made.

Really glad you enjoyed it.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 42
RichardR
Posted: August 1st, 2016, 1:16pm Report to Moderator
Green


Posts
938
Posts Per Day
0.86
Warren,

Some notes.

I'm not sure this one conforms to the canon.  Do vampires bleed?  And aren't they pretty much indestructible?  So, I had a hard time accepting that she could be damaged by a car.  Also, with amnesia, wouldn't she ask who she is?  How could she offer money from a family she can't remember?  And can a vampire even get amnesia?  Don't know.

Those questions aside, this one works  in some senses.  I like the idea that she somehow either can't remember or no longer believes she's a vampire.  Fine with me.  

Best
Richard
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 42
Warren
Posted: August 1st, 2016, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
928
Posts Per Day
1.82
Thanks for the read, Richard.

I realise I strayed from the norm a bit but I was okay with that.

The world's biggest vampire franchise to date not only had vampires that bleed, but ones that could walk outside and had skin that sparkled.

She can remember her family, the memories that she lost were of being a vampire, not of being normal or who she was. That's my whole premise.

Glad it worked on some level.

Appreciate your thoughts.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb
Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 42
BSaunders
Posted: August 2nd, 2016, 4:37am Report to Moderator
Purple



Location
Gold Coast
Posts
300
Posts Per Day
0.40
What's going on Waz-Dog!

Nice job. Your writing is mint and makes for a fast-paced, easy read. Massive bonus.

Although, not my kind of flick, I can appreciate what you've done here.

A suggestion: Top of page 2. Instead of hearing Mike and Driver talking over black, have a P.O.V from Kate's perspective. Show us blurry silhouettes of the fella's arguing and then one pissing off in a car.

The "HISS" reminded me of a cat. I hate cats. My girlfriend has a cat and it's a cunt.

Anyway...

Who is Paul? I get he must have been an ex of some sort, but maybe involve him in the story somehow. He's just kind of random at the moment. Or just give him the boot and have a subtle flashback of her being bit by something (vampire.) Give us a taste, but not the whole thing. Just yet.

Get rid of the flashback in the slug.

And this is damn nit-picky of me, but the names suck. You have a cool, creative little story going with the most unimaginative names in Kate, Paul, Mike and Jeff. Easy fix.

Or you could just tell me to jam it, and that you like those names because your best friends dad is called Jeff and uncle Jeff is a fucking legend. In that case.. I like the name, Jeff. Jeff rocks.

Hope this helps.


Who dis nigger up on that ney?
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 42
Warren
Posted: August 2nd, 2016, 5:05am Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
928
Posts Per Day
1.82
Thanks for the read and thoughts, Brandon.

Always like the positive comments.

I looked up what noise a vampire makes and people reckon it's a hiss so that's what I went with.

Paul is literally just a prop, yes probably an ex, lets us see Kate in the daylight not being a vampire. It's ment as an early redirection.

I'm an unimaginative name kinda guy. I can't really explain why. It's the same in everything I write.

Will never tell you to jam it and I love nitpicky, I'm the same in most of my reviews, suger coating serves no purpose. I want to know what my shortfalls are and how I can make them better. Obviously won't always take the advise but that doesn't mean I don't want it told the way it is.

Thanks again for the feedback.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb
Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 42
Jean-Pierre Chapoteau
Posted: August 2nd, 2016, 11:11am Report to Moderator
Purple


I write.

Location
Atlanta, GA
Posts
108
Posts Per Day
0.04
This was decent.  I knew vampire the moment you mentioned her skin though. Maybe change it to "porcelain" skin and describe her as kind of geeky so we're not wondering why you mentioned her skin. And don't mention the men's skin. Also don't mention the windows are boarded up until she runs out of the basement, because most people assume basements are dark and again you're giving away your twist.

I wish there was more of a story to this other than the twist. I get that you implied she was kidnapped, but I would have liked more.

We hear Mike but we don't see Mike until she thinks he's a kidnapper. That's nice, but I don't think you should call him Mike while he's on the phone. Let us be just as surprised as your protagonist is when she's "captured".

Jeff shouldn't snicker either when she asks about to hospital. For th last time, it gives your twist away. Just have Mike and Jeff stare at each other. And make their actions more threatening.  I knew the whole time the girl was doing a disservice to herself. You should make the audience believe that she's in real danger.


I DON'T READ REVIEWS BEFORE I REVIEW!!
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 12 - 42
Warren
Posted: August 2nd, 2016, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
928
Posts Per Day
1.82
Thanks for the read, Jean-Pierre

I wasnít trying to hide a twist from the readers in the way you are implying, Iíd be more interested in hiding it from a viewer if this were to be filmed, but even then that wouldnít necessarily be my aim. Things like the colour of their skin, the boarded up house, Jeffís snicker would have to be present (well maybe not the snicker, but I like it). With out these things it would take away from the fact that itís a vampire story at all and wouldnít make much sense.

This isnít a mystery with a big reveal. There are lots of points where the reader/viewer can figure it out. Itís really only a mystery to Kate. We should have figured it out before she steps outside, wanting her not to do it.

Not sure there is much more of a story to tell, I mean, how long could you hide the fact that a vampire is a vampire? I never implied she was kidnapped at any point. She is the only one that thinks that. We know Mike is a friend from the very start.

Mike and Jeff arenít threatening and to us they arenít meant to be, they are her friends and Kate is never in real danger, her friends are trying to keep her safe.

So although I completely understand all the things you have suggested, they are not in line the story I set out to tell.

This was submitted as a supernatural drama, the drama part didnít show up next to the logline for some reason. It wasnít meant to be your typical horrific, thrilling, gory vampire flick. I feel the whole vampire thing has been done to death and I told myself I would never write anything with vampires unless I could do something a little different. I was going for friends trying to look out for a friend who happens to be a vampire. My angle being a vampire who canít remember sheís a vampire. As far as Iím aware that hasnít been done before.

Thanks again for your thoughts, always appreciated.

EDIT:

To any new readers there has been a few name changes.

Kate - Eve
Mike - Mika
Jeff - Remy

After thinking about a suggestion by Brandon, I decided to give these a go.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb

Revision History (1 edits)
Warren  -  August 3rd, 2016, 1:36pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 42
Dustin
Posted: August 4th, 2016, 11:16am Report to Moderator
Blue


Wilhelm Steinitz

Posts
4289
Posts Per Day
2.76
Code

Shear agony...



Is the above an American thing or have you really got the wrong type of sheer? Here in the UK you shear a sheep or suffer sheer agony.

The idea is down and I do think that the story could do with some added misdirection so that the viewer is surprised when she burns up.

But, a producer will figure out how they want it to go. It's our job to get the bare bones down and you've done that. Good luck with it.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 42
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Short Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006