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Dustin, this will be the last post I ever address you in. It is your right as a member on this site to have your say and your opinions. I don't like you, I don't like the way you think, I don't like the way you treat people or the way you talk other people down.
Not sure why you crawled back out of the hole you went into but I think it's a shame for the site as a whole to have you back. Most of us remember (two m's) how you left with your tail between your legs.
I won't comment on anything you write. Feel free to comment on my stuff, but like I said you will get no acknowledgment from me.
I don't like the way you treat people or the way you talk other people down.
What people? There are plenty of people that I imagine would say, I'm very, very nice. I also agree that there are certain people I can't get along with. People I consider to be fraudulent or dishonest in some way. Those locked within a specific mindset, that can't see outside the box they are in, I just don't have any time for.
Not sure why you crawled back out of the hole you went into but I think it's a shame for the site as a whole to have you back. Most of us remember (two m's) how you left with your tail between your legs.
Two m's?
I didn't crawl into a hole, I just left the site. I left the site because I felt that [Redacted] bullshit stood better than my blunt honesty. I left because I felt that people prefer bullshit. Which, generally speaking, we do.
I’m at Mike’s “Just leave, now!” line on page 2 and already I’m going out on a limb and predicting they are vampires...reading on...
Yep, so they were and yes, I’m being that know it all a?shole, apologies but due to the saturation of vampires in entertainment it’s hard not to go there. The “Are you hungry?” line on page one was a giveaway and, believe me, I’m usually slow on the uptake in regards, reveals, twists, etc. I wonder could you make that more oblique because combined with Mika’s line above sent up red flags straight away.
Along with the house’s bordered up windows and Eve’s lack of injuries post crash confirmed suspicions.
However, that aside, your writing moves along at a nice pace, the prose is clean and terse.
Regardless of what I’ve said, story wise, I think you got something interesting here, perhaps it wouldn’t be a so obvious on screen, that’s sometimes hard to tell. When reading, we can stop and take stock and often rumble a story before the writer wants us to.
This is a cool concept as we’re not sure of who to trust and what the character motivations are. Why didn’t they wait for the ambulance and why not bring her to a hospital? Once we know though, I have to wonder why they wouldn’t be up front with Eve from the beginning. They’re going to have to tell her at some point why delay it and risk her trying to escape, which is what she does and look what happened? Yes, that’s easy to say in hindsight but is there some obstacle or reasoning you can put in their way as to why they don’t just tell her right off the bat?
As it stands, they are keeping her here without explanation, thus it gets us thinking why, which leads us to vampires (at least for me anyway) No wonder Eve doesn’t trust them and seeks escape. True, the amnesia doesn’t help their case but if you could work in some concrete logical reason as to why they’ve haven’t brought her straight to hospital like an normal person would it might lead us away from the script’s real intentions.
Instead they are debating whether to tell her something or not which is again too much of a hint, too revealing.
This may be a bad example but think of 10 Cloverfield Lane. Only for the stated, real or otherwise, threat of some alien/chemical warfare threat outside, John Goodman’s character would be immediately deemed a flat out lunatic who is not to be trusted but because we don’t know what’s actually out there, he could be telling the truth. That tension and mystery makes the premise work. Obviously here you can’t use the same device but Mika and Remy have no bargaining chip to convince Eve they have her best interests at heart which brings me full circle as to questioning why they don’t just tell her what she is. I appreciate the story doesn’t work then but you catch my drift, it’s a plot mechanic that falls down under scrutiny, in my opinion.
Ok, I’m talking in roundabouts now, decent effort but needs more to keep the cat from exiting the bag too soon.
I think I mentioned it in a previous post, but it's not an issue for me if you know they're vampires, the only person who isn’t supposed to know is Eve. Its wasn’t too much of a secret.
Thanks for the kind words on the script.
Unfortunately this was one of those scripts where it was filmed, I saw some production photos and a rough scene edit. They also made a film poster, albeit with a typo, then I got an email from the producer saying they weren’t going to finish it, but did I want to collaborate on writing a feature? WTF. So that was that.