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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Cold Smoke Moderators: bert
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  Author    Cold Smoke  (currently 1499 views)
Don
Posted: September 23rd, 2016, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Cold Smoke - VR by John Staats - Short, Action, Adventure, Virtual Reality - Powder skiing and the lure of cold smoke is an irresistible temptation. It pays to listen to the professionals. 13 pages - pdf, format

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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  February 22nd, 2018, 10:08am
revised draft
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RichardR
Posted: September 24th, 2016, 8:54am Report to Moderator
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Some notes.

I like the setting for this one.  The cold, the snow, the danger, fine with me.  I think you might explain 'cold smoke'.  While we're told to not listen to its lure, I'm not sure exactly what it is.  You might have the rookie ask, and the other guys answer.  I'm not a skier, and I profess ignorance.

The writing works for me.  The dialogue sounds authentic enough, although I'm no expert of avalanche detectors.  I like that you start with the trapped guy and then backtrack.  

Best
Richard
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JakeJon
Posted: September 29th, 2016, 3:16pm Report to Moderator
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Brownie, Squat and Buckster?  Wow!  Loved their names.  Not a skier so I enjoyed reading along and found it interestingly educational?   I also liked the respectful connection you established between the group.  The ending left me a bit cold in a good way.   I'm betting this was a "close to home"  experience.  Nice read.
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JEStaats
Posted: October 1st, 2016, 4:05pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Thanks for the comments - yes, I am 'Squat' (sounds funny saying it that way) and this is based on an event back in Nov 1992 that is as vivid in my mind as yesterday. Very near and dear experience to say the least.

I did realize after posting that maybe only a few would know the slang term 'Cold Smoke' as super low density powder snow. Snow that's so light (duck feathers) that you hardly feel it while skiing except for the billowing cold clouds that hit your face as you bob in and out of the steep and deep. Ahhh...those were the days.

Yep, no sh*t, there I was....
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JEStaats
Posted: February 22nd, 2018, 10:22am Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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I took a giant leap of faith on rewriting this in a VR format. It's more of a shooting script with direction, which it needs to be, yet would still give the Director the flexibility they desire.

Would love feedback as this style of formatting is totally new to me. Anybody out there experienced writing for VR? It was a challenge thinking 360 - I recommend it. Let's go cross-eyed and painless together!
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