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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  First Kiss - Filmed Moderators: bert
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  Author    First Kiss - Filmed  (currently 5456 views)
Don
Posted: September 24th, 2016, 8:09am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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First Kiss by Anthony Cawood - Short, Horror, Drama - YouTube is a great place to find all sorts of training videos, but not everyone wants to learn news things.  2 pages - pdf, format




First Kiss - A Short Film from Justin Stearns on Vimeo.



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (6 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  March 12th, 2017, 11:18pm
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RichardR
Posted: September 24th, 2016, 9:03am Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

Some notes.

This one races to the macabre.  I like it, and I wish there was a bit more--perhaps turning the computer for her to watch with him.  

The ending works for me, although you might consider setting up the scarf in some fashion.  perhaps by a video.

in any case, good job.  

Best
Richard
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Jeremiah Johnson
Posted: September 24th, 2016, 9:25am Report to Moderator
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Anthony,
Ok, guess I wasn't ready for that!  Writing is good and not bad for a one pager.  Easy to film.  Wonder if this was for an assignment?  Going to film it yourself?  If so, easy to do except for getting some kid to off his sis!😀

Your logline has a mistake.  Think you meant "new" not "news"

Good luck with this.  Should get made.


My Scripts:
SHORTS
Bed Bugs
I Got The Shaft
No Clowning Around
Fool's Gold
Five Days for Redemption

TELEVISION
Father, Forgive Me
Sheriff of Nowhere
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Warren
Posted: September 24th, 2016, 4:20pm Report to Moderator
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Just my sort of thing. I liked it, made me think of Dead Girl.

I see no reason why this won't get made.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: September 24th, 2016, 5:34pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Don for getting this up so quickly!

This was written for a 1 page challenge sort of thing, ultimately didn't enter it as I thought it was a bit too dark for the brief. So thought I'd post and get some opinions from my fellow SS writers...

Richard - glad you liked, like the idea of him turning the computer for her to watch, will include that in a revision.

Jeremiah - Damn loglines! (glad you liked!)

Warren - Tx, loved Dead Girl, saw it at a film fest knowing nothing about it and was like WTF!

Anthony



Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Nolan
Posted: September 24th, 2016, 7:57pm Report to Moderator
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This was really horrible.... in a good way!!!  

Nolan
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LC
Posted: September 24th, 2016, 8:37pm Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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No offense Anthony, but I think it's really horrible in an ewww way.

Which is mission accomplished, I suppose.


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MarkItZero
Posted: September 24th, 2016, 9:30pm Report to Moderator
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For a one-pager, this was great. So many crazy reveals in so little time. Nice job.

Was the original contest for a family friendly teen drama? Cuz if so you should've submitted this just for the chance at giving someone a stroke.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Warren
Posted: September 24th, 2016, 9:52pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
Was the original contest for a family friendly teen drama?



Hahaha


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb
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BSaunders
Posted: September 25th, 2016, 2:27am Report to Moderator
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C'mon sis!

The fuuuuuuuck!?!


Who dis nigger up on that ney?
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: September 25th, 2016, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
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Nolan - many thanks

Libby - exactly, thanks

Mark - thanks, and no, but that would have been funny!

Brandon - thanks, I think


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Stumpzian
Posted: September 25th, 2016, 5:37pm Report to Moderator
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Anthony,
Perfectly set up, followed by TWO nasty punches, then out. That's how you knock 'em dead in one round. In this case, one page. Kudos.
Henry



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JakeJon
Posted: September 25th, 2016, 7:20pm Report to Moderator
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Wow!  I'm getting old.  Readably creepy.

When should the audience come to the realization that poor Cassie is dead?  The first time we see her staring back dispassionately or at the end with the scarf and blue lips.

I hate to admit that I'd like more info. on this kid.
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BSaunders
Posted: September 25th, 2016, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from AnthonyCawood

Brandon - thanks, I think

You thought right. I was shocked, but I loved it!


Who dis nigger up on that ney?
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stevemiles
Posted: September 26th, 2016, 1:20pm Report to Moderator
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Anthony,

First time round I thought there was more of a connection between the videos and the asphyxiation which threw me for a moment - like perhaps a ‘game’ had gone wrong and he just didn’t know any better.  Well, like AlsoBen’s short it’s dark - one for shock value I suppose and probably effective.  The use of google lends it an interesting angle, maybe underused even..?  This is what happens round here when the nights start to draw in - guess we’ll have to wait till Xmas for some happy endings...

All the best,

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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