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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  First Kiss - Filmed Moderators: bert
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  Author    First Kiss - Filmed  (currently 8226 views)
Reef Dreamer
Posted: September 26th, 2016, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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Excellent - one page. I love those!

Back to script...

This will be filmed, many times in years to come I suspect. Some of which you will approve

Overall, this is an excellent one pager.

Best of luck


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Fausto
Posted: September 26th, 2016, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
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Anthony, good job ...really horrific and sick. However, I would improve the drama by inserting a longer conversation with the cadaver. Did he kill his sis? Why? To practice kissing? This can be explained with another page of dialogue. Maybe, he can also caress her body for added impact.
Good job.
Fausto
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: September 26th, 2016, 6:40pm Report to Moderator
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Stump - many thanks, glad you liked.

Jake - You are supposed to get a clure from the staring but confirmation at the end.

Steve - 89 days to go, then again there's Halloween in the way, could get darker first

Bill - thanks, glad you liked it, hopefully they'll ask me before filming it

Fausto - Glad you liked, after I decided not to enter the one page challenge I did think of expanding it, but decided against it can kept it nice and lean, see if anyone picks it up.

Thanks all

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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khamanna
Posted: September 27th, 2016, 2:44am Report to Moderator
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Woah. I just read another one about the mother covering up the abuse of her son... and woah, I get this one right after. The shorts are getting darker...
And I just heard of Pazolini and his Salo or 120 Days of Sodom. It's a dark streak for me or something.

Well yours is certainly mind-bending and kind of gross. Will someone let his child participate in the shoot though - I don't know. I wouldn't.
Well, you have a very strong reaction from me to this so I'm thinking that's what you wanted and therefore you excelled with the short.
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Fausto
Posted: September 27th, 2016, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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Anthony, just a quick question...did the brother asphyxiate his sister and then kissed her?
Thank you and good luck.
Fausto
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spesh2k
Posted: September 27th, 2016, 2:37pm Report to Moderator
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Good God, this was dark as fuck. Nice work. Very creepy. As if the sister angle was bad enough. I could see this as a gut-punch of an opening scene for a serial killer feature.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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AnthonyCawood
Posted: September 27th, 2016, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
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khamanna - Many thanks, if someone will allow their children to be in it... good question, guess only time will tell, here's hoping.

Fausto - we enter the story late, he's already tried to kiss his sister, she's reacted, he's killed her and then gone to the internet to prove he was right about the tongues... he is after all both a child and mad!

Michael - Thank you very much ... and yep could be a great opening scene, would certainly set a tone!

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Fausto
Posted: September 28th, 2016, 10:47am Report to Moderator
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Anthony,
absolutely genial! An insane child killing his sis for a kiss.  If a producer is looking for a horror short, THIS IS IT!
My best,
Fausto
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: September 29th, 2016, 4:10pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Fausto - hopefully a producer will agree with you!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Demento
Posted: September 29th, 2016, 9:30pm Report to Moderator
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I hope to see this filmed. But I would imagine, producers, filmmakers might have a problem in getting this one done as it involves kids. And that means it will involve parents who will have to agree to have their kids on film doing this. Which would later be seen by family, friends and so on.
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James McClung
Posted: September 29th, 2016, 9:56pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Anthony,

I'm split on this one. I didn't find it nearly as dark as others. Everything felt calculated so as to shock/gross out an audience with no deeper context (I'm using the phrase lightly here, not looking for a "meaning" or anything), which I think would've made it more sinister (as of now, I find it sorta campy). At the same time, as shock/gross out, it is entirely effective, and perhaps the simplicity of it makes it more aberrant.

I'm also split on the ending. A part of me wants more detail when it comes to the scarf. You've provided some in your response to Fausto, but it's not entirely clear in the script itself. I suppose you could argue that it's inferred, but the fact that it's a garment in question and not, say, an electrical chord, it could also be inferred that it's an accident, Ewan's perverse behavior notwithstanding. But similar to my previous comment, the ambiguity might work in the script's favor.

Like I said. Split. What I'm not split on is you do a lot with one page. That can't possibly be a bad thing.

In regards to child actors, I thought about Todd Solondz' films. He works with children a lot and gets away with a lot doing so, clearly with the blessing of the parents. However, it is 2016. Surely, you can't get away with as much these days.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: September 30th, 2016, 8:45am Report to Moderator
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Hey James - thanks for taking a look...

The scarf... hmm, you could be right... I have an idea about an alternative, may try and re-work...

Shock... yep that's the intention

Cheers

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Gum
Posted: September 30th, 2016, 10:47am Report to Moderator
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Not sure why you would want this produced IMO… strictly shock value, perhaps.

I’m noticing a celebration of death, or ‘hurt’ culture floating about this board lately, involving kids too. I’m not sure where it all stems from either. Outside of a select few entries it (pedophilia, murder, incest, slasher themes, home invasion, etc) appears to be the flavor of the month… so weird. Maybe cause Halloween is just around the corner?

I don’t know. Tie a ‘Hogwarts’ scarf around her neck and prop her up against ‘The Hunt of the Unicorn’ tapestry.  Art for art’s sake… that whole chestnut.
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AlsoBen
Posted: September 30th, 2016, 11:02am Report to Moderator
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Hi Anthony,

What I found unsatisfying about this is that it's shocking, without a buildup. It's like porn with only the last three seconds.

At the moment, it's like a youtube sketch due to it's length.

A few things:

"EWAN, 10, scrawny with bad skin" - a 10 year old with acne? He's REALLY unlucky.

"He taps away on his tablet, solely intent on the screen.
INSERT: Laptop screen"

Laptop or tablet? It's a little thing but you can't distract a reader with only one page.

Although there is oppurtunity here, if filmed, for a director or actors (child actors!) to show skills, it's hard to convince a crew to put in a good effort with less than a minute of film time. If this were produced, I imagine the team doig so would ask you to expand on it anyway (or else they're not in a position to produce anything longer than a minute in which case the film will be of a low quality).

Just some thoughts.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: September 30th, 2016, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
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Canis/Ben - thanks for taking a read, appreciated.

Canis - I tend to write darker fare all year round (check out Stuffed), and wrote this a couple of months ago before putting it up, so not a Halloween thing. But it's certainly not a celebration of his actions, hurting kids or anything else... but sometimes what we write reflects life, and life can be shocking.

Ben - It was written for a 1 page competition, have expanded ever so slightly but it's length came from that originally. I quite like trying to get a story into 1 page, it's a little like writing a haiku, imho of course. So I feel this works as a micro-short - but some may not and that's fine too.
My daughter developed bad skin when she was 9, a few dermatologist visits later and all fine, but it's not that unusual apparently. Laptop screen, good catch, agree and will change.
1 minute films being low quality... don't think I agree... not sure how length is an indicator of quality - unless we're back to porn analogies
(My other 1 page script, Flowers, was filmed and subsequently won an award).

Just on the subject of the scripts themes... The idea for this came from the proliferation of YouTube instruction videos and me wondering what harm could such videos do in the wrong hands... and there's thousands of them on how to kiss 'properly'.

Anthony


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1

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AnthonyCawood  -  September 30th, 2016, 3:37pm
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